Here we go, something that has been brewing for a while now in my depraved head... Bit of an opus this one, but no matter.
1. Irritating ads.
I can remember clearly what really hooked me into listening to Ufm in the first place. It was an ad for the Big Day Out made by Dean Bellinger, and it featured a character called Hurry-up Harry shouting those immortal words that can now be heard all over Hamilton: “Hurry up ow!” It was brilliant. Now all we get is old ads voiced by Laff (a DJ, left 3 months ago) or Debbie (a DJ, left 1 year+ ago), and horribly unfunny Pizza Hut ads (“Sweet as, Baz”? Please).
2. No electronic music
Where has all the dance music gone? The b-net has traditionally been a haven for electronic music, and bfm in particular has thrived on it. There is a complete lack of any music that could be construed as electronic (except perhaps Radiohead) being played on ufm.
This didn’t use to be the case, however. Thanks to one DJ who will remain unnamed, there was once a lot of dance music. One night he slipped some drum’n’bass (Concord Dawn) into the play list, and almost got fired for it. It immediately made number 1 on the top 13 (back when it wasn’t a farce). Exactly the same happened with Roni Size and Outkast. Who says no one likes electronic music?
3. The extreme plagiarism
If you’ve ever heard the music news on ufm, you might have thought it sounds like they are reading it for the first time off a bit of paper. They are. Almost all music related news is taken directly from nme.com. I really don’t see the point in this. My advice: Don’t bother with the radio, go straight to the site. It’s a lot more interesting.
4. Total lack of Hamilton music
Apart from the Datsuns, and the odd Inspector Moog/Tweeter track every 3 months, I can’t think of a single Hamilton band that ufm plays. Dogs On Prozac won last year’s Battle of the Bands – a ufm sponsored event – and have not received any airplay on ufm. Hamilton hip hop crew Four Corners last year gained the number 1 spot on bfm for a number of consecutive weeks. They have not had airplay. Mama Said, another Hamilton band, won the national Battle of the Bands and have not received airplay. What more do these bands have to do?
Once upon a time ufm helped Hamilton bands to become successful (Datsuns, Handsome Geoffrey etc) and as a result accumulated a lot of credibility and respect. This has all siminished. Ufm needs to realise that the best music does not necessarily come from America – some of it is right under our noses.
5. ‘Gameshow’
If you have never heard this festering turd of on-air ejactulation, it is on every Friday morning. And it couldn’t be more irratating. For starters, they take Nathan, possibly the most annoying and least witty breakfast host in history, give him an excruciating American accent, and force him to talk to the first munter that rings in. For like an hour. I don’t know the exact details of the game – I can’t stand to listen to it – but I do know there is a co-host called Anna Rexic (you can laugh now) and they give away something no one wants every week (like a pubic hair, used pencil, Linkin Park CD etc).
Please do yourself a favour. If you ever hear this pathetic attempt at ‘entertainment’, immediately smash your radio and live out the rest of your days as a hermit in the hills, safe in the knowledge that you will never have to hear ‘Gameshow’ again.
6. Their uncanny ability to thrash the shit out of a track
“Supergyration” by the Datsuns. “Black Jesus” by Everlast. “Idioteque/Optimistic” by Radiohead. “Mr. E’s Beautiful Blues” by the Eels. Anything by Fur Patrol. I could go on.
When I hear any of these once-great songs I shudder, thanks to the fact that I have heard them on high rotation for months on ufm. This is horrible. Now I am forced to skip songs on otherwise great albums because I can’t stand them. My Eels album should be my most prized possession. It is ruined by “Mr E…”. I have to skip approximately half the Fur Patrol album now. I now have to skip parts of Kid A. Fuck you ufm! Fuck you for making me skip Radiohead!
7. They’ve turned munter
That’s right. Ufm, once drawing in every weird listener in Hamilton (and there were a lot of them) is now trying its best to become mainstream. Apparently their new target audience is male 20-30 year olds because “they aren’t being catered for”. I wonder what the Rock and Hauraki have been doing all these years if they haven’t been catering for this audience. It is blatently obvious to the average listener which direction ufm are taking. Where they were playing Underworld, they’re now playing Linkin Park. They did play Concord Dawn, now it’s Crazytown (more on that later). They are also giving away Ralph magazines now, which is the perfect accompanyment to the Green-man and a couple o dozen Waikato’s.
I have to question the logic of ufm here. With this move they are obviously trying to go head-to-head with the Rock. Why? Picture this: You’re a munter (not a big leap for some of you, I know). You’ve listened to Nick and Rog since intermediate. Suddenly, you hear ufm’s playing exactly the same music now. Do you; (a) stay listening to the same station you always have; or (b) suddenly switch to a new one that features boring DJs (more on them), unfunny ads and less extravagant prizes? Face it, with its big budget, huge loyal fan-base and a pool of talent, the Rock is always going to win over ufm.
Why not get yourself a niche again by focussing on indie and electronic music? Bfm’s been doing that for about 7 years, and is now one of the most successful stations in Auckland. It arguably now has the most ‘cred’ and respect from the music industry than any other radio station in New Zealand. Ufm could have that, too.
8. Horrible DJs with no personality
My family used to hassle me for listening to ufm because “the DJs all sound the same” and “they’re so boring”. Those DJs had nothing on the new batch. With the exception of one breakfast DJ, I don’t think I have heard anyone on ufm say anything (intentionally) funny all year. The typical voice break goes something like this:
*Insert monotone/irratatingly cheesy voice here*
“You’re listening to ufm and that was Linkin Park by Crawling. It’s a great album that, it’s superglued in my CD player. *insert cheesy nic/rog laugh here* You’re listening to ufm. Coming up, we’ve got that awesome Aussie band Tadpole with a song called Number 1. Great track, the video’s got a guy with a dickies hoodie on. I love Dickies, don’t you? Anyway, you’re listening to ufm and here are some ads. Ufm”
*Presses wrong button and plays the song that just finished*
With the exception of one weekend DJ, everyone at ufm sounds like this. They say a lot, but they have nothing to say. And the worst culprit of this –for some reason – was given the job of training new DJs. The future doesn’t look bright, kids. I think Blur said it best when they sang;
“And yet he tries so hard to please
He’s just so keen for you to listen
But no one is listening
And when you put it all together
There’s the model of a charmless man”
9. DJs don’t pick their own tracks
The track list is made up entirely by the computer and the DJ has no say in it. This means their only function is to do voice breaks (usually pre-recorded) and press the right button (unfortunately they get this wrong most of the time). It also means that they can’t play requests that aren’t on the play list, so forget about asking for that Massive Attack/Coal Chamber track. They won’t even know what you are talking about.
Which brings me to another spin-off of this system. None of the DJs have any music knowledge whatsoever. Case in point: For at least a month whenever a certain DJ played “Dirty Beats” by Roni Size/Reprazent, she announced it as “Reprazent” by Roni Size. Other blunders by this DJ include mispronouncing almost every album title she ever attempted. Tip: When the band is Rammstein, you pronounce “Mutter” in the same way a German would. This lack of musical general knowledge is appalling. If the DJs aren’t employed for their knowledge, what is it? It ain’t their wit or competence, that’s for sure. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I could do better, but then I’m not desperately sucking cock trying to get on radio, am I?
10. Absence of any specialist shows
Click here or here. Go on, do it. Go to their program listing. Notice how many specialist shows there are? There are shows for every conceivable minority genre you could be interested in. And what does ufm have? The Punk and Hardcore show and the Noisyland music show where Kerry repeats everything at least 3 times. These shows are great, but about 4 hours a week of specialist shows is just not enough.
11. Crazytown
As I was writing that last paragraph, Crazytown came on the radio. My, how I laughed. Until the shock wore off, anyway. Crazytown? On ufm?! Yup, it’s true. If you thought my hatred for Linkin Park was strong (and believe me, it is), it’s not a patch on the pure concentrated evil that is Crazytown.
Why do I hate Crazytown? Where to start. They are the worst bunch of white rappers I have heard since the Beastie Boys. Their lyrics are horrible. They rhyme “lady” with “baby” twice, and that’s just the chorus. They looped a Red Hot Chili Peppers riff and then made like they were playing it. Their DJ (whatever his name is, DJ Brown Love or something probably) sucks. They imported a black drummer into the band in a blatent attempt to get ‘cred’. Their name is Crazytown! What the hell is that?! They are a disgrace to nu-metal, which in turn is a disgrace to rock. Jon Davis is rolling in his grave (what’s that? Aren’t Korn dead yet?).
