freakingthefuckout

well well, long time no write. i think we are moving to oakland. ryan just got offored a job there today, a good one w/ benefits. i don't know though, we had a bad experience there last weekend....
so last weekend we got a sitter for 2 days and went up to oakland/berkeley(5 hour drive) to look at apartments and visit some peeps and go to a cool burningman-related costume party where i was a sluty catholic school girl w/ thigh highs and high heels and a short plaid skirt and a white blouse w/ 1 button buttoned and a nasty push up bra...you get the picture i am sure......all was well til sunday around 2pm, we were at a park in oakland and going for like a 15-20 minute walk, we return to find our car broken into. we lost our new stereo, speakers, 200 cd's, a disposable camera in the glove box full of burning man pics and pics of our daughter and a few of the golden gate bridge from sat night (the first time i had ever seen it) also lost was my purse, which i had stupidly left under the seat, no cash, but my checks, credit cards, lots of makeup that was quite pricy, ryan's set of keys with his work keys that will cost $125 to replace, pics of our baby girl and my datebook w/ import work and personal info.......
police came, i was hysterically looking for my shit in the woods (never found anything) they got fingerprints off the windows... (window was open on passenger side 1/2 and inch and they pried it down) it sucks. we have minimal coverage on that car too......at least we were not hurt, and maybe, maybe, some kind soull will find my purse and send it. what sucked bad was it was the aniversary of the day we met (2 years ago)
so we are actually returning to the area this weekend and bringing the baby this time b/c i have a job interview saturday for the company i used to work for last year in connecticut. (crabtree & Evelyn) we will *Hopefully* find an apartment and a nanny this weekend, and if all goes well, we have like 6 days to pack or shit and move.....talk about stress. not to mention my work will not be too stoked about me giving 1 week notice and in fact i bet the apartment manager will be a bit upset, we are on a month to month and supposed to give 1 month notice.
how the hell can i pack a whole 2 bedroom apartment in 1 week, finish working and possibly train a new person at my work, find a new pediatrician and other baby related dr's, get a rental truck thats cheap, figure out the train system from oakland to san fran all in 1 week??? i am losing my mind

trivial persuit.....
this job is trivial...
i love burning man people, why aren't there more of them near where i live....
linda thinks i am in a cult....
kirk thinks i am crazy (we'll that's not new)....
james, who is staying w/ us for the whole month of september is seriously close to a slashing....
i want a snicker's bar but am denying myself b/c i am 23 pounds from my ultimate goal weight.......
i want to move already......
uggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

we r back
we are back. it was amazing. trying to explain how burning man was to someone is like trying to explain a color to someone who is blind. it was euphoric, magical, wonderful. i found out so much about myself and about ryan. we were alone for the first time in ages. we got married, in front of the giant "man" temple on friday afternoon, surrounded by loving strangers who gave us well wishes and gifts too! i got the most beautiful amethyst bracelet and this silverish medallion necklace. someone took pictures then gave us the disposable camera. it was so awesome! i am having a hard time being back in reality after it,,,,,we are going back next year for 10 days this time!

oh my god
leaving tonight for burning man! i slept litterally 1 hour last night i am so scared/nervous/excited!!! i will be full of stories when i return monday late.........peace

decisions decisions......
ok. i think we are moving in september to oakland!!!! we have a friend there who needs a roomate so we'll have a place to temporarily stay, and there is a college there called mills college, that i am super excited about. it is pretty expensive and hard to get in to, and an all girls school, but they have great night programs for working adults like me, or i could just go back full time during the day who knows!!! i really want to get back into school now. a few more semesters and i am done (god how many years have i been repeating that sentence) but i am excited! it'll mean leaving my job at the end of september, but we both strongly believe that there is a better job market and much more opportunities up in the san francisco bay area!! nothing is set in stone of course. anywho, my doula stuff is going well, going to classes every thursday night. i will miss next weeks b/c of burningman, but they will let me make the class up so its cool! i am also reading a lot about aromatherapy, and will hopefully take this 1 day class w/ this famous aromatherapist here in san luis obispo on sept 17! i think my english/anthro degree will fit nicely w/ me being a doula w/ aromatherapy training. a lot of the birthing process is tied in w/ anthropology. i think i may write a book on birthing customs someday, maybe go visit strange places and write this crazy book. well, i need more coffee...kirky, since u r the only reader i have yet established, i missed u! i want to see the grand canyon too someday!!!

slacker
yes i am a slacker. i have been swamped w/ my daughter being sick, my boyfriend being an ass, and work being in-fucking-sane. i cannot wait to go on vacation on the 27th. 12 days and counting baby! where the hell is kirk? in idaho or arizona or somewhere gay like that......i am bored and i want to read your new blogs u jerk. come home! ok i am sick of writing....time for my fifth cup of coffee.

babies
so last night after work, from 6 til 8 i was at a birthing class.....no i am not pregnant again.....i am studying to become a doula, or a birthing assistant. i have to read alot and go to not only this 15 hour birthing series as an observer/note taker, but also a 2 day weekend course on becoming a doula, then i have to write all kinds of papers and reports and have 3 clients that i provide services for for no pay, and i have to get positive reviews from them, thier dr's or midwives, and the attending nurses. after i get certified, which will take at least the next 6 months, i am thinking of getting my nursing degree and either becoming a labor RN or going to grad school and becoming a certified nurse midwife. this is pretty crazy stuff, considering that i have been going to school on and off since the fall of 1997 to be an English/ sometimes journalism/sometimes anthropology Major..... i have like a ton...well not a ton like 80 credits in those fields.....but i could use most of them towards this...............but then again, maybe i'll be a doula and then get an english/anthro degree and do something w/ all 3.....i love to write and want to teach, but its like ever since i had my daughter i have this crazy pull towards dealing w/ women and babies and the whole amazing birthing process......last night i was actaully jealous a little, of all these pregnant women. they are so scared and excited and its such a crazy feeling. the high i got from seeing and holding my baby that first time, and even now, is indescribable. i mean, our bodies actually create these little perfect people who are so damn cute. the crying gets a bit much, and the constant screaming for food, but besides that it is so cool! i don't know,,,i just want to touch people's lives. pregnancy is such a roller coaster ride of emotions, and i feel like i have been there, and i had a very tough situation. i wasn't with the father, shit i hardly ever saw him all those months, i had to pull out of school, regretfully, to work full time til the very end of my pregnancy. i didn't have the "husband" who touched my belly to feel the baby kick, or who went out at night to get me ice cream or to go to my lamaze course, or even to be there when the life we created was brought into this world. had i not had a strong woman to depend on, my best friend linda, to step in and do all these things and more, i don't even know if i could have gone thru it. and the transition from crazy party girl and miss irresponsible to becoming resonsible for another person, was very difficult at first because u almost try to fight it, to hold on to that last shread of life as u know it. but, all i know is it changed me. it changed the very essence of who i am and who i want to be. it adjusted my priorities and this was really a good thing. an unexpected but great thing actually. someday, when i find the right man and the right time, i want to have another baby.

sheer boredom
jesus gog i am bored. either we are swamped at work or sooooooooooooo bored. i want a snack. kirk bring me a snack. and be naked. and hurry up!!

searching..
i have been trying to do some soul searching lately....what do i want to do w/ my life? why am i so not happy w/ where i am, who i am? it's all so confusing really. i mean, i truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that i am at the point i am in b/c of all my choices....but sometimes , just somethimes, i wonder how this could all be different had i made better/worse/different choices.

burning man
we (ryan and i) are definitely going to burning man next month! i got aug 28th and 29th off so we are leaving wed night the 27th, and will return mon the 1st. we have a reliable babysitter those 5 days who will be staying at our house, and we will be kid-free! i have never been to "the man" before, ryan went in 2001. we both got cheap tix by applying for these scholarships. $95 is a lot better than $250! i am kinda nervous, its in the middle of the desert and there is no vending...u bring what u will eat /drink for the whole time u r there. it is like 45 min from a town, go to www.burningman.com and see. i am excited. we have tents and sleeping bags and flashlights and goggles for the dust storms. just gotta get food and water and first aid/ sunburn stuff. oh, its a 10 or 11 hr drive from here which suuuucks. well, gota run k walk, (u r prob the only reader since no one else knows about this)