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Bulk Emails that
make you Tremor!
Okay, I got an e-mail today from a company called "Tremor".
The e-mail read:
Corporate America thinks they know what Teens like to hear. Here's your
chance to tell them the real deal about music.
Start by taking our quick survey (it's only 8 questions), and you could be
a part of the Tremor team, an exclusive panel of teens that influences products,
services and ideas. (Only one in 5 teens get in.)
Interested? Here's a few pointers:
* You must be a U.S. citizen, between the
ages of 13 - 18.
* You must also take our short survey.
* Be honest with your answers and if you make the cut,
we'll let you know.
If you want in, click here to get started. You could win an Xbox™ Prize Pack!
As a Tremor member, you'll get:
* Exclusive access to new music
* A new song to review each month
* An opportunity to tell the music label if the song rocks
or not
* The results on how the music label responded
-- Jamie and the Tremor team
Emphasis mine.
Little problem here... I AM NOT A US CITIZEN!!!
E-mails like this seriously, seriously ****es me off!
I'm not sure where they got my e-mail from. The fact that I was getting e-mails
like this before I ever gave my address out sort of hints that it was Microsoft.
The fact that there is an advertisement within an advertisement for X-Box
sort of hints that it was Microsoft. The fact that this is a piece of market
research, and during the Napster trial, while the RIAA resalised that it's
good the public are too stupid to realise the net frees them from commerical
crap, Microsoft saw a "me too!" opportunity to jump at and started kissing
the RIAA's butt sort of hints at it too.
Little problem: I'm already
no fan of Microsoft.
And I would not do Microsoft's market research and see them get their inevitable
kickback for signing up, even if they gave me an XBox.
Actually, let me clarify that further. I wouldn't take an XBox if I were
paid to, and if you want me to listen to the shallow, sappy excuse for music
that Microsoft and the RIAA - sorry, "Tremor" - are serving up, you damn
sure better come up with something better than
a chance to win an
XBox. Like I would expect counselling and ccovering the cost of medication
after listening to that crap to be
at least the minimum. But that's
beside the point...
EVEN IF I WANTED TO I COULDN'T BECAUSE I'M NOT AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!
However, I'm not going to miss out on my orportunity to slag on marketoids,
Microsoft, and record companies. And hey, since they wasted my time asking
for it, I'll take the opportunity to respond.
What they say and what they mean
Corporate America thinks they know what Teens like
to hear. Here's your chance to tell them the real deal about music.
We're a bunch of slick, pony tailed marketers with no taste in music. We're
representing a bunch of bean counters in a record company with no taste in
music. The past few years our b(r)ands haven't sold much, and people have
been saying that they are untalented hacks put together because of looks.
Of course, we know better, that's why we've been blaming Napster. Well, we
sued Napster out of existance, then bought and buried the corpse while still
being presumption ***holes who loved pretending we could make any untalented
bum a star (instead of... i dunno... pushing artists with TALENT!).
Of course, instead of getting on the phone to Marty Freidman or MuslimGause
(or giving Countdown to Extinction and Rust in Peace some airplay 10 years
too late), and pushing them to the moon, we'll do some market research instead!
And we'll dress it all up like it's some big anti-corporate message [I'll
get my anti-corporate messages from the Green Left Weekly thanks!]. I mean
hey, the
level 3 morons who buy our "music" are
treating a 30 year old record company executive named Fred Durst like some
anti-authority figure; why not dress up a survey on how record companies
should hock more stuff to stupid kids as some act of rebellion.
Start by taking our quick survey (it's only 8 questions), and you could
be a part of the Tremor team, an exclusive panel of teens that influences
products, services and ideas. (Only one in 5 teens get in.)
Take a quick survey so we can find out if you're shallow and stupid enough
to fit in. Being on of the cool kids is a bonus, but hey we'll accept hippies
and goths too [Just because you wear white makeup and black clothes, don't
delude yourself your 'lifestyle' is anything more than a marketing demographic].
As long as you don't think for yourself you should get in.
Interested? Here's a few pointers:
* You must be a U.S. citizen, between the
ages of 13 - 18.
* You must also take our short survey.
* Be honest with your answers and if you make the cut,
we'll let you know.
Move to America and do our little shallowness test. Even if we should know
you won't, we'll e-mail you anyway!
You could win an Xbox™ Prize Pack!
We're giving an X-Box Prize Pack as a Christmas present
to the executive's children. We're so out of touch with young people that
we had to ask what Bill Gates thought was cool, and he said XBox [LOL!].
* Exclusive access to new music
[I have that already. It's called my friend's garage!
And it's more original features more talent than half the crap you come up
with!]
* A new song to review each month
In blatant violation of most labor laws, we'll make you work and won't pay
you squat. And then make is sound like we're doing you the favour!
* An opportunity to tell the music label if the song
rocks or not
[Uhh... shouldn't reaction on community radio and to live gigs, plus underground
record sales, sort of indicate that? Or perhaps the fact that music is an
art, not a product!]
* The results on how the music label responded
Those grey suits you're rebelling against respond to projections on how many
albums we think we'll sell!
[I can't buy your product even if I wanted to!]
"Ahh well, I'll bulk e-mail you anyway!" *BANG*
Go Home!
