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Research Team
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.
In simple English what does this translate to??
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water jack fell down
and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
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Interview Question
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer."Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant.
"It means I don't get the job."
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Name That Baby
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations.
One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it,
too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's
another boy we're going to call it quits!!"
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Glacier Work
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?""The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked.
"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for
more rocks."
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Mistakes
If a barber makes a mistake,It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......
But let an employee makes a mistake,
And it's a "MISTAKE"
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Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat
Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
Catfood dish replaced with a trough.
Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
Has more chins than lives.
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Lumberjack
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"
The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."
The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"
"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."
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Hearing Aid
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from an old transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt."How does that help your hearing?" I asked.
"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."
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Seconds First
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive.Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back for my follow-up!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very
good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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Dressing The Kids
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby."When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them
alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
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Phone Calls
Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.
Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water.
Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.
Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes.
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Birthday Heart Attack
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a young teenaged boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully.
Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud,
"Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."
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14 Letters
Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test.Both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of *Superintendent*."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down
Horticulturist."
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Battery Life
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier."Listen", the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry", apologized the garage owner.
"I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
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Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric!
If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
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Fishy Dinner
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
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Meeting With Teacher
Miss Smith and Little Johnny's father were having a parent teacher conference.Miss Smith said to Little Johnny's father, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."
Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?"
"With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."
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Lawyer Choice
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
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Daddy's Trick
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
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Athletics Anonymous
These days, with all the emphasis on one's physical fitness, a new organization has sprung up called "Athletics Anonymous."When you get the urge to play golf, tennis, go power-walking or bicycle riding (or anything else involving a type of physical activity), they send someone over to watch TV with you until the urge passes.
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Understanding Art
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
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Medical Alert
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know. I don't eat cats."
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Favorite Flower
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
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Military Computer
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"
The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."
The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"
The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"
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Pregnant Stamp
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
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A Great Job
A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!""That's great," his wife said.
"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."
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Impressions
A man commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.
Returning the photograph Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
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