When Nick opened the door to his bus and saw Alex there, he started to tell him he didn't want company, but Alex pushed his way in before he could get a word out.

After Alex was on the bus and had closed the door behind him, he looked up at Nick and said, "Listen, I know you're pissed at me right now because of last night, but I really want to get things straight with you. Can you give me a few minutes? Please?"

Nick stared at him for a long minute before replying. "The busses are about to take off."

Alex could see a wall up between them and it scared him. He did not want to loose Nick's friendship. "I already told Frank that if I wasn't back by the time yours left it meant I'd be riding with you."

Nick arched his eyebrows. "Sure of yourself, aren't you?"

Alex shook his head and replied, "No, just determined not to let our friendship fall apart."

Nick let go of his irritation. He didn't want that either. "Oh."

After a heartbeat of awkward silence, Alex asked, "Well?"

Nick sighed, then motioned to the little table just to his left and Alex's right. "Ok. Sit, talk."

After they were seated, Alex cleared his throat and decided to get right to the point. "Howie told me you were crying this morning. Why?"

Nick tensed, the irritation coming back. "He had no business going to you about it."

Alex waved his hand to indicate that wasn't the point. "He did, it's done. Now, why?"

Nick's voice rose a little. "Shit Bone, I really don't want to talk about it, okay? I was just having a bad morning." Alex stayed calm, unwilling to just let it slide. "But why?"

Nick felt trapped. Alex wasn't going to give up. "Why does it matter?"

"I'm your best friend. It matters. Why?"

Nick blurted, "Because I saw you leaving Kevin's room, okay? Happy now?"

Alex sat back taking in what Nick had just said. He thought he'd gotten back to his room without being seen. He stared at Nick, while Nick looked down at his hands as if they were the most interesting thing in the room.

After a moment of silence, he stated more than asked, "You have feelings for me don't you?"

Nick sighed, his shoulders slumping. What the hell, he'd come this far. Looking back up at Alex, he answered, "Yeah, I do. I know you don't feel that way for me, so don't worry about it. I'll get over it. I got over Brian and I'll get over this."

"You didn't sleep with Brian," Alex said bluntly.

Nick looked out the window at the passing scenery. Funny, he hadn't felt the bus start moving. "No, I didn't."

Alex rubbed his hands over his thighs nervously. He was at a loss. "Nick, I don't know what to do here. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm so not ready for a commitment. Besides, with the way I feel about Kevin, it just wouldn't be fair."

Nick's eyes shot to Alex's. He said sharply, "I'm not asking you for a relationship, Bone. You're the one who came here, remember? I didn't want to talk about this. I just wanted to deal with it alone, like I did before. You pushed it. I just answered your questions."

Alex ran a hand through his hair. The conversation wasn't going the way he'd hoped. "I know, I know. But I couldn't just let you deal with it alone. Brian wouldn't have either if he'd known. We both know that."

Nick nodded. "Which is why I never told him."

Alex was determined to make his point. Nick wanted something with him and he had to admit it before they'd get anywhere. "Why did you tell me then? You could have denied it."

"Because," Nick started as he stood and paced in the small area between the table and the kitchenette. "Because," he repeated, pacing it's length once again. Finally he turned back to Alex and threw his hands up in the air. "Fuck if I know."

Alex pressed on. "Because you were hoping there could be something with us, right?"

Nick slumped back down in the seat, defeated. There was no point in denying it. Alex knew him too well and had figured it out. "Yeah, I guess."

They both sat there for a while, trying to figure out what to do now. Nick spoke first.

"Do, ah, do you feel anything for me?"

Alex wasn't sure how to answer that. "Well, I love you, you're my best friend. I'm obviously attracted to you, I think I proved that the other night and I do feel something beyond friendship for you, it's just…"

"You're in love with Kevin." Nick spat.

He was so sick of hearing that. It always came back to Kevin. He'd been understanding up until this point, but damn, how many times did he need it thrown in his face?

Alex was taken aback by his reaction at first, then he stopped to think about it. He had talked about it a lot and Nick had feelings for him the whole time. He supposed he could understand his reaction.

"Shit, Nick, I'm sorry. I won't talk about it anymore. I just...I was just trying to answer your question. I'll call Frank and have our busses stop so I can get off yours. I didn't come here to make you any more upset and that's all I seem to be doing."

Alex pulled his cell out of his pocket and started to dial. Nick watched him, waging an inner battle. Part of him wanted Alex to go, to leave him alone, but another part told him that if he let him do that before they worked this out, he'd regret it. He made his decision.

Alex stopped mid-punch as Nick suddenly reached out and grabbed his phone out of his hand, flipping it shut and tossing it down on the table. "Nick, what the…"

"Stay."

Alex had it in his head that Nick didn't want him there, so it took a minute for him to switch gears. "Huh?"

"Stay here. Don't go back to your bus. I want to work this out too."

Alex stared at him for a moment longer then asked, "Where do we start?"

"By me being the friend I'm supposed to be to you. What happened between you two last night?" Nick asked, his gut twisting as his imagination ran wild.

"Nick, I don't think you want to hear this…"

"I know I don't, but you need to talk about it, so talk."

Alex sighed. "Are you sure?"

"Bone, just tell me already. I can see it's bothering you. I'd rather have you talk to me about it then go do something stupid to forget it." They both knew he meant start drinking again.

Alex wondered vaguely when Nick had gotten so in tune with him. Ever since he'd kissed Kevin on the bus, he'd been craving a drink again. He'd just been doing his best to ignore it while he'd been trying to work things out with Nick.

"I'm that obvious?"

"To a close friend."

They both had the odd sense of deja vu, then they remembered…the conversation they'd had in the van the day Alex had decided to check himself into rehab. It broke the tension a little and they smiled at each other. Then Alex's face turned serious.

"Well, nothing happened until this morning. Last night I helped him to bed and he got sick and I helped him with that, then got him back to bed, then…" Alex's voice trailed off and he stared at a point on the wall past Nick's shoulder.

Nick prompted, "Then what?"

Alex brought his eyes back to Nick's. "He asked me to stay there with him, in his bed. I did."

Nick swallowed. There was more. He could see it in his eyes. "And this morning?"

Alex's gaze dropped to his shirt and he started playing with the edge of it. "We made out."

"Oh." Nick had expected more. He thought they had had sex. He was surprised they hadn't.

Alex looked out the window, not really seeing anything. He was lost in the feelings he'd had that morning after the phone had rang. "Then Kristin called."

Nick thought he was getting the picture now. Kristin had interrupted. "So, you stopped because of Kristin?"

Alex nodded, "I can't keep doing this, Nick. I don't know why it keeps happening. Boston, the hotel, my bus..."

"Whoa, wait. Your bus? Today?"

"Yeah. I was on my way to see you and literally ran right into him. He grabbed my arms to keep me from falling, and we were so close…I kissed him and he kissed me back."

"But you're here instead of there. Why?"

Alex shrugged. "Well, Howie told me some stuff..." He told him about Kevin and the guy out back of the club.

Nick was shocked. "Damn. He's cheating on Kristin left and right."

Alex nodded. "Yeah. And I don't want to be a part of that. I want to move on. I just don't have a clue how."

Nick stared at him. "With me."

"What?" Alex had thought he'd made it clear he couldn't do that with him any more.

"Move on with me."

"Nick…"

Nick put his hand up to stop him. "Hear me out. I'm not talking serious relationship or anything. I'm just talking about hanging out with me. We'll stick together and make sure you're not in a position to be alone with him. If you're not alone with him, you can't keep making out with him….and possibly more."

Alex swallowed. "He'll think we're involved."

"So? Maybe that's a good thing. If he thinks that, maybe he'll back off. It's not all you, you know. He's kissing you back along with everything else. Maybe if he thinks we're together, he'll leave you alone too."

Alex thought about it for a minute. "But, this is going to be hard on you isn't it? Being around me all the time?"

Nick laughed. He knew Alex wasn't being arrogant, he was truly concerned, but it came off like he was God's gift to men. He couldn't help but tease him for it. "Maybe it will. Maybe I'll OD on you, get sick of you and stop liking you."

Alex laughed too. "Gee, thanks."

"No problem," Nick smirked.

After a minute Alex's smile faded and he sat staring at Nick. "Are you sure about this? Because for it to work, we'll be together a lot."

Nick nodded. "I'm sure. And I was half serious. Maybe it will help me get over you too. I'm not in love with you Alex, it's an infatuation, yes, but not love. Maybe being around you twenty-four/seven will, I don't know, give me what I need and then I can move on too."

Early that afternoon, the busses pulled up to the hotel they'd be staying at that night. As Kevin stepped off his bus, he vaguely heard his driver mention something about Cincinnati, but all he cared about was that they had three more concerts, including that night's, until they got a day off. He wasn't complaining about performing, just having to perform with Alex and Nick. He didn't want to be anywhere near them, especially if what he thought was going on between them was.

Moments later, his suspicions were all but confirmed when he saw them exit Nick's bus, giggling and flirting. So much for Alex not being ready for a relationship, Kevin thought. It was pretty apparent to him that he and Nick were in one. He turned away before they noticed him and headed for the lobby of the hotel.

Alex was laughing at something Nick had said when his eyes lit on Kevin. The smile left his face. His heart felt heavy. He had the overwhelming sense that he'd just fucked something up big time. But what? It wasn't like Kevin was free to be with him.

He shook his head of the thoughts. He didn't want to think about him anymore. The familiar feeling he always dreaded started to creep up on him. The urge to drink to forget his problems. He wondered if he had enough time to find a meeting before sound check. Even if he didn't have time, he'd make time. He needed to go to one. It had been a couple days and technically he was supposed to be going nightly for a while yet.

Unwanted thoughts of the last time he'd went to a meeting entered his head. Kevin had taken him. Even though it had only been a couple days ago, it seemed like a lifetime. He and Kevin had really connected that night and the night before when he'd shown him the bus. Why were they so distant now? He decided to do something to fix the problem. He just didn't know what yet.

Nick watched Alex watch Kevin's retreating form. He felt a moment of jealousy, but then reminded himself that Alex had been honest with him about his feelings. And they weren't together anyway, just pretending.

In the lobby, they were bombarded with fans that had found out the way only BsB's fans could, where they were staying. Alex always found this amusing, because rarely did he know himself where they were staying before they got there. The fans though? They seemed to know every move they would make, months in advance.

By now all the guys busses had arrived and they'd all moved to different parts of the lobby to sign autographs and take pictures. Kevin forgot about Alex for a little while as he immersed himself in the fans enthusiasm. He laughed and joked and signed and posed for pictures.

Across the room, Alex was doing the same, along with thanking the fans who gave him encouragement over his sobriety. He really did love them. They had really come through for him. He'd been so afraid they would turn their backs on him, on the group, after what he was going through came out, but they hadn't. They'd sent cards and gifts and just every damn thing to show their support. It had awed him.

After fifteen minutes or so, Kevin had worked his way toward the elevators. He was mere feet away when he backed into someone. He turned to say he was sorry and came face to face with Alex.

Alex sucked in his breath as he came face to face with Kevin. He hadn't been paying attention to where he was walking as he signed yet another autograph.

With a serious expression on his face, he said, "Sorry."

"Yeah, me too." Kevin answered just as seriously.

They both knew they were talking about more than just bumping into each other.

Impulsively, Alex asked, "Listen. Can we talk? I'm sorry I brushed you off earlier. I shouldn't have done that."

Kevin shrugged, not wanting how much that had hurt to show. He thought about doing the same thing in return, but as he stared into Alex's expressive brown eyes, he found himself saying yes instead.

"Cool, ten minutes? Your room?" Shit. He wasn't supposed to be alone with him. One more time wouldn't hurt though, he told himself. He just wanted to get things straight with him, the way he had with Nick earlier. That was it.

"Sure." Kevin answered, startling him out of his thoughts.

Then they were both engulfed by fans again, trying to make their way to the elevators. Eight minutes later, Nick, Alex and Kevin stumbled out of the elevator, onto their floor. Kevin immediately headed toward his room, not saying a word to them. He couldn't. Watching them together hurt.

Nick watched him leave, wondering what that was about. Turning to Alex, he threw his arm around his shoulders and asked, "Wanna play a video game or something?"

Alex took a deep breath and said, "I, uh, can't right now. I have to go have a talk with Kevin."

Nick's arm dropped away from Alex and he said, "Oh."

"I know I'm not supposed to be alone around him, but I just need to get things straightened out with him, Nick. I can't just shove what happened under the carpet like I used to."

Nick stared at him for a long minute, then finally smiled. "You don't have to answer to me you know, but thanks for explaining. Want to get together after you're done?"

"I have to find a meeting. I'm supposed to be going every day and I missed yesterday."

Nick nodded and said, "Ok, I'll see you at sound check then I guess."

"Yeah, see you then."

Nick watched as Alex turned and walked away from him. He was worried about him being alone with Kevin, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. It was his life.

Alex walked into Kevin's open doorway and closed it behind him. He didn't think they should talk with the door wide open for anyone to hear.

"Kevin?" He called, not seeing him in the sitting room.

Kevin stood in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror, clutching the counter top in front of it. He was trying to psyche himself up for this talk with Alex. He did not want him seeing how much all of this bothered him, or for that matter, how much he loved him. When he heard Alex call his name from the other room, he took a deep breath and turned from the mirror.

"Hey." He said, stepping out of the bathroom.

"Hey." Alex returned and an awkward silence fell over the room.

Kevin moved to the couch and sat down. "Sit down, Alex."

He watched as Alex contemplated where to sit, finally deciding on a nearby chair.

Alex's fingers played with the hem of his shirt, showing his nervousness. He did not want to have this conversation, but he knew it was necessary. "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for coming on to you this morning and then again in the bus. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking."

"Listen, Alex…" Kevin started, intending to clear the air about him and Kristin.

Alex held up a hand. "No, let me get this out, please. I guess I just let old feelings take over. I know you're married and not that you'd leave her for me, but even if you would, I wouldn't want you to. I wouldn't want to be responsible for breaking up your marriage. Besides, I'm sorta with someone now."

Kevin digested all this and changed his mind about telling him about Kristin, going back to his original decision about it. He didn't want Alex feeling responsible for his failed marriage. He decided to wait a few weeks then tell everyone. That way he could come up with something that made sense and wouldn't make Alex suspicious.

The other part of what Alex had said hit him then. Of course he'd pretty much known already that they were together, but hearing it just solidified it.

Just to make sure it was who he thought it was, he said, "Nick."

Alex nodded. He hated lying to him, but he didn't see any other way. This thing with Kevin had to stop. "Yeah."

Kevin studied Alex's face. Something didn't seem right. "Should I be happy about that?"

Alex was taken off guard by the question. "What do you mean?"

Kevin shrugged. "You tell me. You don't seem overly enthusiastic about it."

Alex sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He understood what Kevin meant, he just didn't want to get into the what's and why's with him. That would lead to too many questions.

"Shit, Kev, what do you want? Me to do back flips? I'm happy. I want to be with Nick. We make sense together. He's fun to be around, I laugh when I'm with him, we understand each other."

"I see." Kevin said, not at all convinced. It was killing him to hear Alex talk about Nick like this, but at the same time, he sensed the younger man wasn't as sure about all this as he pretended to be. He didn't want to see this blow up in Alex or Nick's faces. For the moment, his big brother role superseded the feelings he had for Alex.

"You see what?" Alex asked, getting a little irritated.

Big bro Kev was back in full force and it bugged the hell out of him. He didn't know what he'd expected when he told him about him and Nick, but it hadn't been that. If he was honest with himself, he'd been hoping against hope that Kevin would get jealous and proclaim his love for him and tell him he wanted to be with him. That was a fantasy though. No way in hell that was going to actually happen.

Kevin crossed his ankles and leaned back in the couch, resting an arm across the back of it. "Do you love him?"

Alex watched his movements and felt an almost overwhelming urge to get up, walk over and straddle his lap. Instead he answered, "I care a lot about him. And before you ask, yes, he knows what my feelings are for him. He's willing to wait for more."

Kevin nodded, ignoring the way he was dying inside. If this was what Alex wanted, he'd be there for him, even if it killed him. "Good."

Alex was surprised by his response, having expected more questions. "Good?"

Kevin sat back up and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. "Of course. Alex, above all else, I just want you to be happy. If Nick does that, then I'm behind the both of you."

Alex felt bad. He'd lied and Kevin had bought it. He didn't know what to say. Especially with him staring so intently at him that way, and his hair, which was loose and falling over his shoulders, was just begging for him to reach out and brush it back. He sat on his hands instead.

"Thanks Kev."

"No problem."

"Kevin?"

"Yeah?"

"Is what happened between us going to make things weird now? I don't want it too. I really like how close we were getting. I don't want to loose that."

Kevin had no idea how he could be that close to him, emotionally, without somehow letting his feelings slip out at some point, but looking at Alex as he stared back at him, the fear of rejection evident in his eyes, he couldn't bring himself to tell him he needed some space to work things out in his head.

"I hope not. I don't want it to either. I like how close we've gotten. I don't want to loose that." And he didn't, he just didn't want to loose what they'd shared that morning either. He had no choice on that one though.

"Good. On that note, I have something else to ask you."

"Shoot."

Alex cleared his throat before asking, "Why did you get so wasted last night?"

Kevin sat back again and closed his eyes for a second. He'd gotten drunk to forget that guy from the club and to forget his feelings for the man sitting across from him right now. He couldn't say that though, so he just shrugged.

"Fuck if I know. I'm sorry about doing that though and showing up at the hotel that way. It was disrespectful to what you're going through. I won't let it happen again."

Alex let out a long breath. It wasn't completely the answer he'd been looking for, but he could tell it was all Kevin was willing to give. "I didn't like seeing you that way."

"Thanks for taking care of me. I didn't deserve it."

"Oh Kev, you do. You deserve that and so much more. You saved me. The least I could do is take care of you for one night." The words were out of his mouth before he had time to think about them. He couldn't believe he just said that. He only hoped Kevin didn't read into it.

Kevin was struck hard by Alex's statement, but he tried not to show it. He betrayed his emotions a second later though, when he stood suddenly and pulled Alex up and into his arms for a hug.

Alex's eyes widened when he found himself in Kevin's arms. The feeling of him surrounding him like that quickly took over though and he closed his eyes and brought his arms up around Kevin, holding him close for a long minute.

After they separated, Alex stared at his mouth for a second before willing himself to turn and go. At the door, he turned back and said, "I may be late for sound check tonight. Don't freak out though, I've just got an AA meeting to go to. I missed it yesterday."

Kevin nodded. "Got you covered. Your meetings are more important than any of this other stuff."

Alex nodded and turned again to leave. Kevin crossed to his bedroom after he was gone. He walked numbly to the bed and fell onto it, grabbing a pillow and hugging it, wishing to God he was hugging Alex instead.


Chapter Nine
MAKING AMENDS, MENDING LOVE Contents