Howie knocked on Alex's bus door for the fifth time. He knew he was in there. Marcus had told him he was. It was fifteen minutes until the time they were supposed to depart and Howie was even more stressed out than before.

After his conversation with Nick, he'd went down to breakfast. Only Brian and Leighanne had shown up. Nick, Kevin and Alex were all MIA. Howie was worried. He'd heard bits and pieces of the argument between the three of them in Alex's room last night, although not enough to have a clue what it was about and then he'd found Nick crying this morning and none of them showing up for breakfast wasn't encouraging. He didn't know what was going on, but he hoped Alex would tell him. .

Just then Frank, Alex's bus driver showed up. "Hey Frank, can you let me in? AJ must be sleeping or something because he's not answering."

"Sure." Frank said, stepping forward to unlock the bus.

"J! J! Where are you?" Howie called after he stepped on and didn't see him anywhere.

He headed toward the bedroom, hoping to find him there. No Alex. Looking around his eyes lit on the door to the recording studio. Of course. No wonder he hadn't answered the door. He couldn't even hear it. Just as he started for the door, it popped open and Alex walked out.

Alex's eyes widened in surprise at finding Howie there, but quickly lit into a smile. "Hey D."

"Hi." Howie said, returning Alex's smile half-heartedly.

Sensing something was wrong, Alex asked, "What's up?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Huh?"

Howie decided to get right to the heart of the matter. They were down to ten minutes before it was time to leave. "Why weren't you at breakfast? Nick and Kevin didn't show up either."

"They didn't? Sorry man. Just wasn't hungry."

"I heard the argument in your room last night J."

That got Alex's attention. He'd heard? Did that mean he knew about him and Nick…and him and Kevin? "You…you did?"

Howie nodded. "Yeah. I couldn't make out what you guys were saying, but I know the three of you got into it and then I find Nick crying this morning and none of you show up for breakfast. What's going on?"

"D, it's nothing, really." Alex started, relieved that Howie didn't know what the fight was about. Then the other part of what Howie had said hit him. "Whoa, wait. Nick was crying? This morning?"

"Yeah. He didn't want to talk about it, but he had to be really upset to cry like that. I haven't seen him that upset since…" Howie's voice trailed off and he looked away.

Alex sensed there was something Howie was reluctant to tell him. "Since when, D?"

Howie sighed. The four of them hadn't exactly been trying to hide it from him, but it hadn't been anything any one of them wanted to discuss either…those first couple days after Alex went into rehab. "Since we made the announcement about you on TRL. He broke down and cried on camera, J."

Alex sank onto the bed. "Why didn't anyone tell me about this before now?"

Howie sat down next to him. "I don't know. It's not like it was one of our favorite times, you know. We were all hurting pretty badly inside. I guess we just didn't want to go back there. Kevin came close to breaking down too."

That shocked Alex. Kevin almost breaking down. Kevin was so good at hiding his emotions when he wanted to. He just couldn't picture that. The only time that happened was when he talked about his dad.

A thought came to mind then. Maybe, just maybe, Kevin returned his feelings. Maybe he cared about him too. It made a lot of sense after all. Kevin's cheating on Kristin with him three different times now, his remodeling the bus for him… Before his thoughts could get any further, Howie was talking again.

"There's something else I wanted to talk to you about. Something that happened last night. I know I shouldn't say anything because it's none of my business, but I can't get that image out of my head."

"D, spit it out. What are you talking about? Can't get what image out of your head?"

"When Kevin and I went clubbing, we, ah, we ended up at some club somewhere and I found this girl. She offered to…" Howie trailed off, not wanting to get into that, but having no other way to explain why he was behind that club at the same time Kevin was.

Alex bit back a chuckle. "D, I don't need a road map, I got the picture. What's the problem?"

"Well, we went out back of the club so she could, uh, yeah, well, anyway, we were off in the shadows and the door opened. Some guy walked out, so I stepped back into the shadows. Can't be too careful after that incident with the reporter a while back."

Alex remembered it well. Howie had been so embarrassed and Alex had to pay him off big time for the roll of film. "Go on."

"Okay, so then Kevin came out. The other guy stepped up behind him and put his arms around him from behind. I thought he was going to rob him or something. But, he wasn't."

Alex tensed. The blood pounded in his ears. He had a feeling he knew where this was going and he was having a hard time believing it. He didn't want to believe it.

In a quiet voice he asked, "What happened?"

"Kevin leaned back into his arms. He hadn't been surprised by him. Then he turned around so he was facing him and they kissed and…stuff. Not all the way or anything, but they were grinding and groping."

Alex felt like he was going to be sick. Kevin. Making out with some guy out back of a club. Some nameless guy. His head spun as he realized his earlier conclusion had been false. Kevin didn't have feelings for him. He just wanted to get laid. He wondered how long he'd been cheating on Kristin this way. How many guys had he fucked?

"J, say something. What do you think about all this?"

"I don't know what to think. I never thought he was the type to cheat on his wife."

Howie didn't miss the fact that Alex wasn't at all surprised to hear Kevin had made out with someone of the same sex. "I didn't either."

They sat there quietly for a few minutes. Howie finding relief in having talked to someone about what he'd seen, Alex reeling from what he'd just learned. He didn't know Kevin the way he thought he had.

"Well, anyway, I mostly came here to find out what happened between the three of you last night."

Alex shrugged. "Like I said, not really anything. Just stupid shit. Kevin was drunk, yelled at Nick, Nick got pissed at him. Not much to say."

"Kevin yelling at Nick is nothing new, J. Nick doesn't usually cry over it, let alone the next day. If you don't want to tell me, fine. But you and Nick are so close. Talk to him. Fix whatever's wrong, okay?"

Alex looked at a spot on the floor. "Yeah, I will."

"Good. You know, you and Nick are good together."

Alex's head snapped up, sure he'd heard him wrong, or at least misunderstood his meaning. "What?"

"I'm just saying I approve. Not that you need my approval or anything."

"What are you talking about, D?"

"Remember that day on the bus a couple years ago? You were having a nightmare…"

Alex remembered. He'd been having a nightmare about Kevin rejecting him. He'd woken up disoriented and had spilled his guts to Howie. Not all his guts, because he hadn't said Kevin's name, but enough to clue Howie in that he was in love with one of them. Howie must have assumed it was Nick.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, you just took me off guard."

"Not a big deal." Standing, Howie added, "You've only got five minutes before we leave. If you're planning on talking to him before hand, you'd better get moving. He's on his bus."

"Thanks."

Howie nodded and left.

Alex stared at the floor. Kevin cheated on Kristin…with men apparently. Nick had feelings for him. Of course he'd suspected that, but now it seemed his suspicions were confirmed by what Howie had just told him.

He jumped up off the bed, heading for the door and ran smack into Kevin halfway there. Kevin reached out and grabbed him to keep the smaller man from falling backwards. For a second, they stood there, neither moving, Kevin gripping Alex's arms, their bodies inches apart, memories of that morning flashing through both of their minds.

Alex moved first, reaching up and pulling Kevin to him. He was lost on his eyes, all thoughts of where he'd been headed gone. He needed to feel Kevin's lips on his, his body pressed against him.

Kevin lowered his head, his hands moving from his arms to circle his waist. When their lips met, heat spread through the both of them. He pressed his body to Alex's, letting him feel what he was doing to him.

Alex moaned into the kiss. Kevin was hard. Kevin was hard for him. Nothing else mattered. Not one damn thing, he told himself. He reached down and grabbed his ass, squeezing it as he ground against him.

Kevin tried to think, tried to remember why he was there. He knew it was important, but with Alex's hands on his ass and his erection rubbing against his own, he couldn't form a coherent thought let alone remember what it was he'd come over for. He pulled his mouth from Alex's and started trailing kisses down the side of his neck.

Alex tilted his head allowing Kevin better access. He closed his eyes, getting lost in the sensation, trying to ignore the voice in his head telling him he was forgetting something important.

"AJ! You ready?" Frank called from outside the bus.

Kevin and Alex jumped apart, realizing they'd almost gotten caught. Alex cleared his throat then called back, "Uh, give me a minute Frank!"

"Sure thing!"

Alex thought about asking Kevin to stay, to ride to the next town on his bus with him so they could finish what they'd started for a change. But there was Kristin and what Howie had told him about what he'd seen him doing behind that club. The mere thought of Kevin with someone else, especially another man made him sick. Besides, he had to talk to Nick. He'd hurt him and even though it had been unintentional, he wanted to make things right between them.

"Alex, can we talk?" Kevin asked, staring into his eyes.

Alex looked away, still trying to get his body back under control. "I can't right now. I've got something to do before we go."

"This is kind of important." Kevin said, trying to ignore the hurt he felt at Alex's sudden distance.

"So's this." Alex insisted, bringing his gaze back to the older man's.

Kevin stared into his eyes for a long moment. He didn't like what he saw there, or rather didn't see there. How could he kiss him with so much passion and need one minute, then be so cold and distant towards him the next. Maybe coming here to talk to him hadn't been such a good idea.

Stepping to the side, he said, "Ok, go. We'll talk later."

Alex stepped past him and muttered, "Fine. Later. Whatever."

Kevin stared at the empty doorway after Alex left. He had the feeling Alex had just put a mile high wall up between them. His heart sank. He'd just spent the last hour on his bus thinking things through. He'd finally come to the conclusion that he needed to tell Alex how he felt about him and that he and Kristin had filed for divorce. He had an idea that maybe Alex had told him he didn't love him anymore just because he thought he was still with Kristin and didn't want to come between them or cause problems in the group. Maybe he was wrong.

Kevin walked off the bus and froze. There was Alex, banging on Nick's door. A minute ago he'd been kissing him, now he was running to Nick. He watched the door open and Alex push his way in. Nick shut the door behind the both of them and Kevin was left to wonder what was going on. He had a feeling he didn't want to know.

He headed back for his bus. Once on it, he stared out his window, waiting to see Alex come off Nick's bus and hop back on his own, but he never did. Kevin leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window and watched as first Brian's bus, then Howie's, then Nick's took off...with Alex still inside. Alex's empty bus was next, then Kevin felt his own bus lurch forward. He squeezed his eyes shut. He'd lost him…not that he'd ever had him.


Chapter Eight
MAKING AMENDS, MENDING LOVE Contents