Boston. Alex wanted to talk about Boston.

Kevin opened his mouth to say something, but Alex cut him off. "Just let me say this, ok? Before you say anything. I need to get this all out before I loose my nerve."

At Kevin's nod, he continued. "Well, we both know I'm bi and so does Nick." He paused trying to figure out how to say the rest of what he needed to, missing the way Kevin tensed when he mentioned Nick.

A second later he went on. "I'll probably clue the other guys in at some point down the road, just not right now. I've got enough to deal with. Anyway, about the being in love with you thing. I'm sorry I dumped that on you. I know you're married and that you love your wife. I also wanted to thank you for respecting my wishes and staying away while I was in rehab. I really needed that time to get over you. And I am. Over you I mean. I guess it was just one of those things, you know, those 'safe' crushes. I knew you would never go for it, so you were a safe place to channel my emotions."

That's what the doctors had told him anyway. He didn't know if he quite believed it, especially sitting so close to him right now, all alone. His heart was pounding, his skin tingling and he wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss Kevin's lips. He didn't though. He just continued to sit there, waiting for Kevin's response, pretending he wasn't still in love with him. It had to be this way, he told himself again. He had to make him believe everything was all right now. He couldn't bear it if Kevin felt uncomfortable around him, or if it affected the group.

Kevin's heart sank. It was ridiculous really. He'd already decided they couldn't have anything between them right now anyway. He should be relieved. But he wasn't. He wanted nothing more than to pull Alex in his arms and kiss him long and hard with all the pent up emotions of the past six weeks. He didn't though. He just sat there, pretending his words brought him relief instead of heartache.

"I'm glad to hear that. That you've moved on, I mean. I'd hate to see you unhappy and know I was the cause of it. I already feel bad enough that I didn't see it back then, before you started drinking. Maybe if I had…"

Alex cut in. "If you had, what then? Would you have dropped Kristin and come running to me? Because at that point, that would have been the only thing that would have made a difference. Short of that, I was headed down the road I went, no matter what. Hell, who knows, maybe I would have headed that way anyway. It's just a journey I was meant to take and I'm not complaining because I'm in a very good place now. Emotionally I mean. I feel like more of a person than I have in a long time. My soul feels healed, I guess that's the best way to describe it. My obsession with you was only one part of my problem, Kev, a big part, but still not the whole picture."

"I'm so glad you got yourself together before something really bad happened to you, you know that? You're such a beautiful person Alex, and if you weren't around, this world would definitely be missing something." He didn't know where that had come from, but he meant every word.

Alex's eyes teared up for the umpteenth time that night. Wiping at them with the back of his hand, he said, "Shit, Kev, reduce a man to tears why don't you?" He smiled, letting Kevin know he was joking.

Kevin smiled back, his own eyes watery, then his expression turned serious again. "Sorry, I was just remembering what you'd said about being close to ending it. I'm so glad you didn't."

"So am I, Kev, so am I."

They stared in each other's eyes for a long moment before Alex stood and checked out the bus for a few more minutes. When he noticed the time, he swore under his breath and told Kevin he had to get going if he was going to get home at a decent time to sit down with Sara and talk things out. Once they were in the car, he noticed Kevin shooting him glances from time to time.

"What is it Kev?" He finally asked.

"What?" Kevin asked, startled out of his thoughts.

Alex stared at him intently as Kevin maneuvered through traffic on the highway. "I can tell you have something you want to say to me. Just say it."

Kevin didn't know if he should or not. "I don't want to butt in. I know you don't want me putting my nose in your personal life."

Alex knew he thought that because of the way he'd acted whenever Kevin mentioned Sara before rehab. He leaned back in his seat and stared out the window. He'd been told in rehab that even though he felt like an entirely different person, it was going to take some time for his friends and loved ones to get used to it and trust that things weren't going to revert back to the way they were. Obviously, this was one of those instances.

"Kevin, I was an asshole back then. Of course I want you to care about my personal life. You're like family. It's okay, tell me what's bugging you."

"You and Nick." There. He'd said it.

Alex's jaw dropped and he sat straight up in his seat and turned back to Kevin. "Me and Nick?"

"I know the two of you are….together."

"Uh, Kev," Alex started, but Kevin interrupted him.

"No, it's okay, really. You and Nick together isn't what's bothering me. It's that you're jumping into this so soon after rehab. I thought you weren't supposed to start relationships right away. That's all." Well, that was partly the truth anyway, but he wasn't about to tell him it did bother him that he was with Nick, not when Alex had just got done telling him he was over him.

Alex didn't know what to say. "How did you find out?"

Kevin shrugged, shooting him a glance before training his eyes back on the road. "I just saw the way you two kept looking at each other today. It wasn't hard to figure out, mainly because I know the both of you are bi, I suppose. I doubt the other guys noticed anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, the clincher was after Nick left the restaurant and you mentioned that you'd stayed with him last night. You stopped short and got this nervous look on your face, like you were afraid you'd just let something slip you shouldn't have."

"Shit."

"I'm just concerned about the timing. That's all."

Alex shook his head. "Don't worry Kev. Yes, something did happen between me and Nick last night, but it was just last night. We talked about it this morning and decided it had to stop there. You're right. I'm nowhere near ready for a relationship. Nick understands that."

"So, you aren't…together?" Kevin tried to ignore the little leap of hope in his stomach.

"No. Not right now at least. Maybe at some point in the future, but right now, we're just friends." Alex confirmed.

Kevin's stomach sank again. Maybe at some point in the future. Damn. "I'm glad. I just don't want to see you do anything that's going to jeopardize your sobriety."

A few minutes later, they pulled up in Alex's driveway. ""Are you sure you're up for this?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, it's time. I've put it off long enough. I'll see you tomorrow at practice, okay?"

"Sure. Night Alex."

"Night Kev."

Kevin watched as Alex climbed out and headed for the front door. He didn't back out of the driveway until he saw the door open. As he pulled out and headed down the street, he saw Sara engulf Alex in a hug. His grip on the steering wheel tightened. If seeing her hug him bothered him that much and he knew she was on the way out, then how the hell was he going to feel if Alex and Nick finally hooked up and he had to see them hug and worse, kiss? He just didn't know.

Inside Alex's house, Alex was trying hard to get a word in edgewise, but Sara wouldn't shut up. They had somehow made it into the living room and were sitting on the couch. She kept gushing about how good he looked and how happy she was that he was back and how much she missed him and just every damn thing. He knew why she was doing it. She was scared he was going to end it. He'd seen it in her eyes when Kevin had dropped him off, just before she'd crushed him against her in a hug.

"Sara…" He started when she stopped for air, but yet again she interrupted.

"God, Alex, did I mention how good you look? I love the hair color too." She reached out and ran a hand through his platinum hair, leaning close as she did it.

Alex knew where she was headed and opened his mouth to say something, but before he got a word out her lips were on his and she was pressing herself to him, pushing him back against the couch. With effort, he pushed her off and stood.

He looked at the wall, the floor, the chair across the room, anywhere but at her as he said what he'd been trying to say since he'd walked in the damned door. "Sara, this has to end. I'm sorry. I just, I can't be with you anymore."

"What?" Sara asked in a small voice.

"I'm sorry. I know you have feelings for me. I'm an ass for letting you think all this time I was in rehab that there was a chance. I was just a chicken shit. I was dealing with so much and just didn't want to add any more to it." He stopped looking all over the place and looked at her. Tears were running down her cheeks. He wanted to crawl under a rock.

"It's okay, I guess I knew. I just...I guess I just didn't want to face it. I know you never had feelings for me. Hell, that's not what we were about from the start, right?" She stopped and gave a short, unconvincing laugh before continuing, "It's my own fault for letting myself feel this way."

"Don't get me wrong, Sara. I do care about you. Just, as a friend, not anything more. I don't want to leave you high and dry though. I was thinking. That place we were in the process of buying in LA? Remember?"

At Sara's nod he continued. "Well, I never stopped the sale. It went through a couple weeks ago and the place is already ready to move into. I was thinking, since you wanted to move out there anyway, you could stay there for a while, until BsB's tour is done anyway, then find your own place."

"I don't know what to say, Alex, thanks."

"Just say you don't hate me for leading you on and we'll be fine."

She smiled through her teary eyes. "I don't hate you."

Alex smiled back as he thought to himself, 'One guilt trip down, fifty million to go.'

The next day he woke to sounds across the room. He sat up and saw Sara packing her suitcases. He got up and threw on a beater and some baggy jeans and walked over to her as she tried to close a suitcase on the couch that was against one wall. "You know, you don't have to leave instantly. I didn't kick you out or anything."

Sara jumped. She hadn't even known he was awake let alone out of bed and dressed. She'd been lost in her thoughts and memories about the two of them. "Sorry. Hope I didn't wake you."

"You did, but that's fine, I need to get to rehearsals anyway. You don't have to leave right this minute." He repeated.

Sara nodded. "I do. It hurts too much to be around you. Besides. There's no time like the present, right? I called already and got a plane ticket." She paused, then continued, unsure. "I had to put it on the credit card you keep in the drawer in the den. Mine's maxed right now. I'll pay you back though."

Alex shook his head. "Don't worry about it. And take the card with in case you need anything for the house. It's not my main one anyway."

Sara nodded, just as there was a beeping sound from downstairs. "That would be my cab."

"I could have driven you."

"No, this is better. Oh, and I don't have everything, but I already asked Julie to stop by later for the rest of it. I hope that's okay." Julie was Sara's best friend.

"Fine."

He followed her downstairs and out to the cab, carrying one of her suitcases for her. After she was loaded up, she turned back to him.

"I guess this is goodbye." She said sadly.

"Yeah, guess it is." He almost cringed at how lame that sounded.

"One last kiss?"

"Sure."

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her long and deep. For her it was the last kiss she'd ever get from the man she loved, for him it was a way to show her how much her friendship had meant to him through all this.

After they pulled apart, he stood in the driveway and watched her leave in the cab. Relief flooded through him. He thanked God that was over. One less thing to complicate his life.

His sponsor had shoved that down his throat often enough. He needed to simplify his life. As he turned back to the house and walked inside, he let out a quick laugh. Simplify. Yeah right. His life was so far from simple he doubted he'd even recognize simple if it came up and bit him on his nonexistent ass.

Rehearsals went good, Aaron had come with Nick, so Nick's focus had been on him, which was fine with Alex. He'd thought about what Kevin had said after he went to bed last night, about he and Nick sharing glances. He didn't want to deal with that. Didn't want to have to worry about the others noticing, didn't want to worry about Kevin noticing.

After rehearsals though, he was feeling the itch to go grab a drink. He was surprised. It hadn't bothered him much last night when he'd been with the guys. Last night's drama with Sara had set it off a little, but once she'd left earlier today, it had gone away for a while. He was feeling it now though. Watching Kevin dance and sing was fucking with his mind. He needed a meeting, and he needed it bad.

He was almost out the door when Kevin's voice stopped him. "Alex, hold up."

Alex sighed, his shoulders slumping as he turned back around and watched Kevin walk over to him. "What is it Kev?"

Kevin studied him closely. Alex had a strange look in his eyes. Almost…haunted. "What's wrong?"

Alex shifted from foot to foot and fidgeted with the hem of his oversized shirt. "Nothing. Look, is that all, cuz I really have to be somewhere in like, half an hour. I gotta go."

"Where Alex?" He was making him nervous. His eyes were darting all over the place and he couldn't stand still. He looked like he needed a fix.

"A fucking meeting, Kev. I'm going to a fucking meeting. Not out to drink or score some drugs if that's what you're thinking." Alex snapped out, his temper shortened by the craving he was having.

Kevin immediately felt like shit for assuming the worst. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just assumed….it's just that you don't look so good right now."

Alex closed his eyes and tried to calm down a little. There was the trust thing his counselors had warned him about. He had to earn it back. He couldn't just expect to get it back right away. Making amends they'd called it. He had to show them he was better day by day and eventually he'd earn their trust back.

He couldn't blame Kevin for what he thought. He'd fucked up but good and it was going to take time for the guys to get past that. He ran a hand through his hair and opened his eyes again.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. You had every right to worry. The truth is, I'm having a bad craving right now and if I don't get my ass to a meeting, I might do something stupid."

Alex's honesty floored Kevin. Once again, his heart swelled with pride. Alex was really taking this seriously and doing everything he could to stay sober.

"Do you want me to take you? You don't exactly look like you should be driving right now."

Alex looked up at him, relief evident in his eyes. "Would you? God, that'd be great."

"Sure, just let me go grab my stuff. Stay right here."

Alex nodded.

Fifteen minutes later they pulled up outside the building the meeting was in. "Kev, you don't have to wait. I can take a cab or something when it's over."

"No, that's fine. I'll wait. I've got a book in the back seat I can sit and read. Go, do what you need to. I'll be here when you get back."

Alex smiled his thanks before climbing out of the car and heading inside. Kevin watched him walk, yes, actually walk, not swagger, toward the building. He had to be bad off, Kevin thought. He was definitely in a hurry to get in that building. After he disappeared inside, Kevin turned, dug out the book he'd mentioned and settled in for a nice long read. He hadn't gotten to do that in ages.

After the meeting, Alex came back out and hopped in the car. Kevin was asleep, his head turned to the side, his long hair half covering his face, the book laying open on his lap. Alex smiled and reached over to brush his fingers over Kevin's cheek pushing his silky black hair off of his face.

Kevin's eyes fluttered open just as Alex's hand dropped away. Kevin's green gaze locked on Alex's brown one, studying him for a moment. Just when Alex was starting to feel a little unnerved by Kevin's close scrutiny, he spoke.

"The craving's gone?" He asked, although he already had the answer. The haunted look in Alex's eyes was gone. The light was back.

Alex smiled and nodded, then amended. "Well, actually, it's never completely gone, but it's manageable again."

"Good. I'm glad. You had me nervous earlier." Kevin said, continuing to look at him intently.

"Sorry." Alex's smile dropped away and he stared back at him.

Kevin smiled. "Don't be. You were honest with me and that's what counts. I'm proud of you, you know."

Alex's face lit up in a thousand watt smile. "Thank you. That means a lot to me."

Kevin's smile broadened as he straightened up in his seat, tossing the book back into the back of the car and starting the engine. After he'd pulled out into traffic, he glanced over at Alex. "So did you do it?"

"Do what?" Alex asked distractedly, thinking about something someone had said to him after the meeting.

A woman had walked up to him and introduced herself. She'd been in her mid to late forties. She'd told him she'd spent nearly twenty years drunk because she was afraid to be happy, afraid to live life, to take the good with the bad. She'd told him she could see that he was afraid of the same thing, and only by getting over that fear would he kick his addiction for good. He wondered if she was right.

"Tell Sara it was over last night."

"Oh, yeah."

"How'd she take it?"

Alex shrugged. "Better than I expected. She left this morning for LA. She's going to stay in that house I bought out there."

"For how long?"

"Uh, don't know. I told her she was welcome to it until the tour was over. But now I'm thinking maybe longer if she needs it. I can always stay down here afterwards. Nick and Howie are here, not to mention my mom and grandpa."

"Well, as long as you're sure about it."

"What do you mean?"

Kevin decided not to beat around the bush. "She's been living off you for a while now. Why would you let her keep doing it?"

"I feel bad. She's in love with me and I've known it for a while. I just didn't care. I used her. I just want to help her out now. Make up for it somehow. It's not like she's going to break me or anything." Alex said matter-of-factly.

Kevin nodded. "I understand." And he did. If there was one thing you could say about Alex, it was that when he was sober, he was generous to a fault.

Changing the subject, Alex asked, "So, are you all packed?"

Kevin shot him a sideways look that said it all. Even so, he answered. "We're leaving in three hours. What do you think?"

Alex laughed. "I think your anal ass was probably packed last night."

Kevin laughed too. "Then you're thinking right. I was. How sad is that?"

Alex smiled warmly at him. "Not sad at all. It's who you are Kev. I like you that way. Well, most of the time anyway, except when you start riding all our asses over schedules and time constraints and shit."

"Well someone has to. Didn't see anyone else volunteer." After a short pause, he asked. "Are you packed?"

Alex shot him the same sideways glance he'd received from him moments earlier, then repeated what he'd said. "We're leaving in three hours. What do you think?"

"Hell no!" Kevin said loudly. They both burst out laughing.


Chapter Five
MAKING AMENDS, MENDING LOVE Contents