A day later they were in Milwaukee, WI for the first night of the make-up dates for their tour. Alex paced back and forth across his dressing room, looking like a caged lion. Nick watched from the couch, trying to figure out what to do. He'd already tried everything he could think of, from jokes to video games, but nothing worked to take Alex's mind off his stage fright.

Alex looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. Suddenly an idea popped into Nick's head. He hopped off the couch and headed out the door. He called to Alex over his shoulder as he went, letting him know he'd be right back. Alex didn't even break stride.

Alex vaguely heard Nick mention something about being right back, but at that moment he could have cared less. He was sweating and shaking and his stomach felt like it was going to turn inside out any minute. He was about to do his first show in nearly a year completely stone cold sober. Show time was ten minutes away and he was scared shitless. He needed a drink.

"Alex."

That one word, spoken by that one voice stopped Alex dead in his tracks. He didn't look back at him though, just stood stock still, body tense, trying to take deep breaths.

Kevin stared at his back, fully expecting Alex to explode into a million pieces right where he stood. He was so tense he was shaking. No, more like vibrating. Without stopping to think about it, he crossed the dressing room to him and placed his hands on his shoulders, kneading the strained muscles beneath.

Alex sighed, his head dropping back on Kevin's shoulder. His hands were working miracles on him. Before he could stop himself he blurted, "I can't do this Kev. I can't go out there and face all of them."

Kevin's hands stilled, then turned him around forcefully. Reaching up and cupping his face, he waited until Alex lifted his eyes to him. The haunted look was back. Kevin knew he was craving a drink.

In a stern voice he said, "You can and you will. You're not a coward, Alex. You live for performing and your fans love you. You can do this."

Alex reached up and circled Kevin's wrists with his hands holding on for dear life. "I am a coward. That's what the drinking was all about Kev, me being too much of a coward to face my problems."

Kevin nodded. "True, it was cowardly to try to drink your problems away, but Alex, don't you see? You stopped doing that. All on your own. You pulled yourself back up on your feet and walked away from it. That was not the acts of a coward. That was the actions of a strong person. A person I'm proud to know and have in my life."

Alex's grip on his wrists tightened, afraid to trust what he was saying, but knowing Kevin wouldn't say those things if he didn't mean it. "You think so? You think I'm strong? Because right now I just don't see it. I don't feel strong, I feel week. I'm scared shitless to go out there and all I want to do is find the nearest liquor store."

Kevin ran a thumb over Alex's cheek, down to the corner of his mouth and back, both of them too wrapped up in their emotions to notice how intimate of an action that was. "I know. But you're not going to go anywhere. You're going to stay right here and face that crowd because you made a promise. Remember? The other day in the locker room? You said you'd put the group first. I'm holding you to that."

Alex took a deep breath and dropped his hands back to his sides. "You're right. I will. I'll do this. For you guys and for the fans."

Kevin pulled him into his arms for a quick hug before releasing him. "Ok. Now it's time. We'd better find the others so we can do our thing. Are you still feeling up to going onstage alone to give your speech that you planned?"

Alex nodded. They had set aside a special time in the show near the beginning for him to talk to the fans alone, let them know how much their support had meant to him and the guys through all this. He figured if he was going to go this far, he might as well go all the way. He'd do it. He followed Kevin out of the room and down the hall, never seeing Nick a few short feet away.

After they walked by, Nick stepped out of the shadows and followed them, a sad look on his face. Alex still loved him. Of course, he'd known that. He'd just hoped it had faded a little after their night together. He was falling for Alex and he'd hoped Alex felt a little of that too. But Kevin had just done in a matter of moments what Nick himself had been trying unsuccessfully to do for the last hour. Calm him down and help him find his self-confidence.

On top of that, he'd watched how he'd done it from the doorway. He'd seen the back rub, the way Kevin held Alex's face between his hands. They'd both looked like there was no where else they'd rather be.

The kicker had been when Kevin caressed Alex's cheek with his thumb. A man didn't do that to another man he considered just a friend. Alex was wrong, so wrong. Kevin did have feelings for him. Strong ones. It was evident in the way he looked at him, the way he touched him, the way he talked to him. Part of Nick wanted to clue Alex in, the way he'd tried to before back in June, so he could go to him and be happy, but another part of him, the selfish part, the part that was in love with Alex, screamed at him to keep his mouth shut. He was at a loss. He didn't know what to do.

The concert went great. Alex was pumped up as he walked off stage. He'd done it. He'd went out there and sang his heart out. He'd given his speech and the fans had been amazing. So supportive. They really did have the best fans in the world.

As he took his shower in the backstage shower room, he realized he didn't know what to do with himself now. He would have went to his bus and worked on some songs, but the bus had been having some sort of mechanical problem on the way up and although it had made it, the driver had taken it someplace local for repairs. It wouldn't be back until just before they left for the next city tomorrow morning. He thought about it, frowning as he walked back into the changing room and started to dress.

"What's the matter, Bone?" Nick asked, catching the frown.

Alex shrugged. "Nothing. Just thinking about stuff." Then an idea hit him. "Hey, do you want to come over tonight? Hang out in my hotel room for a while?"

Nick looked away, unsure what he was asking. He wanted nothing more than to be alone with Alex, but the scene in the dressing room between him and Kevin earlier still was fresh in his mind.

"I don't know…"

Alex assumed the look of uncertainty on Nick's face was because he was worried that he meant something other than just hanging out. "Not for that. I just wanted to hang out with you. Maybe watch a movie or play a video game or something."

"What about Kevin? You two seem pretty tight lately." Nick tried to keep the edge out of his voice, he really did, but he had a feeling by the look on Alex's face that he'd failed miserably.

Alex frowned. Was that jealousy? He wasn't sure, but he thought so. "Kevin and Howie are going out to a club or something. Besides, I want to hang with you. That's why I asked. But hey, if you've got better things to do, forget I asked."

Alex pulled on the last of his clothes and picked up his backpack, heading for the door.

Nick watched him go, conflicted over what to do. Finally he came to a decision. He just hoped he wouldn't regret it.

"Bone, wait."

Alex stopped and turned back to him expectantly. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out what you want from me I guess."

Alex's shoulders slumped a little. This had been what he was afraid of. They'd gotten out of control for one night and now everything they said to each other seemed to be up for close scrutiny as to its meaning.

"I just want to hang out. I swear. I haven't seen you much since….that night at your house. You're my best friend. Hell we talked, I mean really talked, to each other more in one day when I was in Arizona and you were on tour with Aaron than we have the last few days since we've been back in the same places together."

They had talked on the phone daily, for long stretches of time while Alex had been away. Nick knew what he meant. He'd been missing that too. "Sure. I'd like that."

Alex's face brightened. "Cool. I'll go wait in the van."

Kevin sat at the bar in the third, or maybe fourth club they'd hit that night. Howie was off dancing with a couple girls, fans, and Kevin was well on his way to having a solid buzz going. He hadn't been drinking in a while. The whole situation with Alex had turned him off to it. But sometimes, a guy just needed to go out and party, have some fun. Especially when that guy was having thoughts he shouldn't be.

Talking to Alex in that dressing room before the show had unnerved him. The way Alex had laid his head back on his chest while he'd massaged his shoulders, the way he'd held Alex's face in his hands and traced his cheekbone with his thumb, and damn, the hug. He liked Alex in his arms entirely too much.

He ordered another shot from the bartender and surveyed the room. Howie was still out on the floor dancing. Kevin sensed someone behind him. He turned to find himself face to face with a good-looking dark-haired guy.

"Hey, can I buy you a drink?"

Kevin stared at him for a moment, finding himself attracted to him. He gave himself a mental shake, chalking it up to the alcohol buzzing through his system. Still, he nodded his head before he could stop himself and the guy sat down on the bar stool next to him and motioned to the bartender for another round. When the drinks were set in front of them, he lifted his eyes to Kevin and said, "Name's Ray, you?"

Kevin lifted his shot glass as well. "Kevin."

Ray tossed his shot back and grinned, setting the empty glass on the bar. "Nice to meet you, Kevin."

They spent the next fifteen minutes or so talking, drinking and flirting. Kevin didn't know why the hell he was flirting with this guy. He'd never done anything like this before, but he didn't have any particular urge to stop either. He was enjoying it. Suddenly, Ray stood up and put his hand on his shoulder as he walked past him.

Leaning in he said, "Back of the club, five minutes, if you're interested."

After he left, Kevin just sat there stunned. What the hell should he do? He had to admit he was curious. Was Alex the only guy that turned him on? Or was he possibly bi too? He wrestled around with the idea of going out to meet the guy for four of the five minutes he'd been allotted. Finally he stood, threw some money at the bartender and headed toward the back of the club. Curiosity had won out.

He stepped out into the fresh night air and took a deep breath. He tensed as he felt arms come around him from behind and warm breath on his ear. "You came. Wasn't sure you would."

Kevin realized it was Ray and relaxed, leaning back into him. Ray was about his height and build. He turned in the man's arms and looked into his eyes. "Well, I did."

Ray's lips curled up into a smile. "Come here."

He turned them so Kevin's back was against the wall, slightly in the shadows of the building. A second later his mouth was covering Kevin's and Kevin was responding. He liked the kiss. When Ray pressed the beginnings of an erection against his own rising member, he decided he liked that even more. Reaching out, he circled Ray's waist with his hands and reached down, grabbing his ass. He ground his hips against him, causing them both to moan. The kiss quickly deepened, tongues tangling, hips grinding, hands searching, touching, grabbing.

Kevin was lost in the moment, the sensations. He wondered somewhere in the back of his mind if this is what it was like for Alex when he picked guys up. If half the turn on was the forbidden nature of it.

Shit. Fuck. Alex. He'd popped into his head and he'd just lost all desire for the man standing in front of him grinding on him. Kevin pushed him away and ran a hand through his long loose hair.

"I'm sorry, man. I can't do this. I'm sorry."

Before Ray could respond, Kevin had moved away from the wall and through the door back into the club. Ray stood there for a minute longer, cursed, kicked at the wall, then walked back into the club himself.

Howie stepped out of the shadows on the opposite side of the doorway and stood staring at the now empty spot Kevin and the man had just occupied, making out. He was in a state of shock. The girl he'd come out here with tried to put her arm around him but he brushed her off.

He'd come out here to get a quick blow job, her offer, but not two minutes after they'd stepped outside, the door had opened and a stranger had stepped out alone. Howie hadn't wanted to be seen, leery that the guy might be from some paper or magazine somewhere. That had happened to him before, getting walked in on by someone from the media, so he was extra careful now. He'd backed him and the girl into the shadows and out of sight silently and waited for the man to go away. He hadn't.

Instead, the door had opened and Kevin had stepped through. When the guy had come up behind Kevin, Howie had started forward, thinking he was trying to attack him or something. He'd backed up once again though when he'd seen Kevin lean back into the guy like he'd been expecting him.

What he'd seen next had blown his mind. He hadn't known Kevin was into guys. More shocking that even that was that he was cheating on Kristin. Howie hadn't pictured Kevin as the type to cheat. He was at a loss as to what to think about what he'd just witnessed. As the girl tried once again to shove her hand down his pants, Howie realized his chances of getting that blow job were shot to hell because he was no longer interested. He had too much on his mind.

Inside the club, Kevin looked around for Howie. He wanted to get the hell out of there. He couldn't find him anywhere, so he headed back over to the bar, ordering a double. He needed to get wasted and he needed to now.

A few minutes later, that was where Howie found him. On his third set of double shots. That, combined with the shots he'd had prior to his make out session with Ray, had him fairly wasted.

Howie tapped him on the shoulder. "You ready to get out of here?"

"Hell yeah." Kevin responded.

Howie motioned over to their bodyguards at a nearby table that they were ready.

As the nameless movie of the moment finished up, Alex and Nick were sitting on the couch, sharing a bag of chips that Nick had brought with him when he'd come over a couple hours earlier.

"Well, that was…interesting." Alex said, being generous. The movie, whatever it was called, had been a bust.

"Uh, yeah." Nick answered.

They both reached into the bag of chips at the same time, their fingers touching. Both felt an electric jolt and their eyes shot over to the others'. Alex pulled back first, watching Nick's mouth intently as he licked his lips.

"Alex."

Alex's groin responded to Nick's voice. The only time Nick called him Alex seemed to be when he wanted him.

"Nicky, I really didn't ask you over here for this."

Nick almost groaned. The only time Alex called him Nicky was when he wanted him. "I know."

Neither was sure who moved first. One minute they were staring at each other, the next they were standing and in each other's arms pulling at each other's clothes. Neither thought about the door being open as was usual when they'd rented the whole floor.

When they stepped off the elevator, Howie looked over at Kevin who was swaying slightly on his feet. "You okay to get back to your room, Kev?"

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, I'll be fine. See you in the morning D."

"Night." Howie couldn't get to his room fast enough. He wanted to be alone, to think through what he'd seen tonight. The image of Kevin and that guy making out was burned in his head.

Kevin headed down the hall toward his room. As he passed Alex's room, he chanced a glance in, hoping to get a peak of him. What he saw stopped his heart.

"Well, Isn't this cozy." Alex and Nick froze, their mouths on each other's, their hands touching various body parts, as Kevin's slurred voice made its way to them.

Slowly they unfroze and broke apart. Somehow in that short amount of time, they'd gotten rid of all their clothing down to their boxers. Alex had never wished to be clothed more than he did at that moment. He had no way to hide the tent in the front of his boxers.

"Uh, hi Kev." Alex said, looking everywhere but at Kevin.

"Thought it was a one time thing, Alex. Thought you said you weren't ready for more." Kevin advanced into the room as he talked, unsteady on his feet.

Nick whispered harshly. "You told him?"

Alex looked at him over his shoulder. "No, he guessed."

Kevin stepped closer yet. "So, you lied to me?"

Alex shook his head. "I didn't lie Kev. It was a one time thing, I'm not ready for more. Nick and I, we just…got carried away."

Kevin continued forward until he was only inches away. He looked down into Alex's face. "Carried away huh? I can understand that. We got real carried away back in Boston didn't we?"

Nick stepped around Alex as jealousy flared inside him. He didn't like being reminded of what Alex and Kev had shared in Boston. He'd heard Alex gush about it enough for ten lifetimes in the first two weeks he'd been in rehab.

Nick glared at Kevin as he stepped in between the two men. "Kevin, go to bed. You're drunk and you're being an ass."

Kevin pulled his gaze from Alex and glared at Nick, his voice getting louder. "You gonna make me, Nicky boy?"

Every muscle in Nick's body tensed. His fists clenched at his sides. His voice rose too. "Fuck yeah I'm going to make you. You shouldn't be anywhere near Alex drunk off your ass like this."

"Don't you tell me what I should or shouldn't do." Kevin shouted at him, his own fists clenching.

Alex watched all of this at a loss for what to do. But, he knew he had to do something, fists were about to fly. He put a hand on Nick's shoulder and urged him to look back at him. After a long, silent, tense moment, Nick did.

"Nick, let me handle this. It's okay. I'll just go help him get to his room and then I'll be right back. Okay?"

Nick looked at him as if he'd grown another head. "He gets wasted off his ass and walks in here like he owns the place, grilling the both of us, especially you, and you want to help tuck him in? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nick…" Alex started, only to be interrupted.

"Fine, help him get to bed. Fuck, stay the night with him for all I care." Nick jerked free of Alex's grip on his arm and stormed toward the door. Before he disappeared around the corner, he threw back over his shoulder, "I'm outta here. Night guys, sweet dreams."

"Nick!" Alex called, but Nick was already out of sight.

Alex turned back to Kevin, who was suddenly looking a bit on the green side. He didn't drink heavily all that often and his body was protesting.

"Come on, let's get you to your room."

"I can do it myself." Kevin said, turning and heading for the door.

He only made it a few steps before loosing his balance. Alex was right beside him in a flash, somehow holding up his larger frame with his smaller one. Kevin didn't protest the rest of the way.

When they got to his room, Alex guided him to his bed and let go, watching as Kevin fell unceremoniously to the bed. He went to work getting as much off Kevin as he could. First his shoes and socks, then his jacket and shirt. When he got to Kevin's jeans he stared for a minute, his fingers itching to pull them off.

He had no intention of molesting his drunken older friend though, which was sure to happen if he let his hands get anywhere near his button and zipper, so he refrained. "Uh, Kev, if you want these off, you're going to have to do that yourself."

Kevin mumbled something incoherently and brought his hands to the front of his jeans to undo them. Alex watched, transfixed as Kevin fumbled to get the button open and the zipper down. Then he was lifting his hips to slide them down over his ass and halfway down his thighs.

Alex's erection that had all but disappeared minutes earlier made a reappearance. He swallowed hard and thanked God that Kevin seemed to be too drunk to notice. After a minute, Alex realized that Kevin wasn't going to pull them off the rest of the way, so he reached out and grabbed at the waistband, his fingers brushing the firm muscles of his thighs in the process. Quickly, he pulled them down and off. He sucked in a breath at the sight of Kevin's muscled thighs. The room suddenly felt too hot. He had to get out of there.

"Kev, I'm gonna go now. I'll see you tomorrow, k?"

Kevin started to respond, but all that came out of his mouth was a strangled, "Oh God," and he was suddenly up and running past Alex headed for the bathroom, his earlier unsteadiness gone.

Alex frowned. He knew all too well what Kevin was going through. He made a mental note to find out what had caused his bender. Kevin just did not do shit like this for no reason. Instead of leaving like he'd planned, he went to check on Kevin. He found him kneeling in front of the porcelain toilet, bent over and clutching it as he spilled the contents of his stomach.

Alex went over to the sink, wet down a wash cloth and filled a plastic glass left by the hotel with water. He waited until Kevin was done retching before walking over to him.

"Here, swish this around in your mouth and spit."

Kevin took the offered glass and did as instructed, then handed it back to him, flushing the toilet at the same time. He did a half turn and sat on his butt, knees drawn up in front of him, back to the wall, head bent with his eyes squeezed shut. He felt like hell.

What had possessed him to drink so much? Before he could fathom an answer, he jumped at the feeling of cool wetness wiping at his face. He sighed in relief a moment later when what he figured was a washcloth was held to his forehead. It felt so good against his hot, damp skin. He lifted his head and opened his eyes slowly, blinking against the glare of the overhead light and stared into Alex's concerned face.

Oh yeah. Alex was the reason he'd went on that drinking binge. He frowned. No, no, that wasn't it. It was that Ray guy. He caused him to start tossing doubles back like they were water. His frown deepened still as he realized it was his own stupidity that had caused this. He had no one to blame but himself.

In a dry scratchy voice he said, "I'm sorry, Alex. I…"

Alex put a finger to his lips and said, "Shhh. Not right now Kev. We'll talk about it in the morning."

Kevin nodded almost imperceptibly. "I gotta brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like shit."

"I'll get it ready for you."

Alex waited until Kevin took over holding the washcloth to his head, then he stood and walked back to the sink. After he had found Kevin's toothbrush and toothpaste and gotten everything ready, he turned back to Kevin.

"Can you stand?"

Kevin tried, made it halfway up the wall in fact, then collapsed back down to the floor. "Fuck no."

Alex crossed back to him, squatting down, one leg in between Kevin's and put his hands under Kevin's arms. "Work with me here Kev, try to stand again."

Kevin did and this time made it with Alex's help. Suddenly, they found themselves in an awkward position. Alex flush against the front of him, one leg trapped between Kevin's. They both stood still for a moment, staring into each other's eyes, trying to catch a hint of what the other was feeling, then Alex moved to his side and pulled one of Kevin's arms over his shoulders. Together they made their way to the sink and Kevin brushed his teeth with his arm still around Alex for support. Truth be told, he could have held himself up by bracing a hand against the counter, but he liked having his arm around Alex, so he didn't.

After he was through, they moved to the bedroom. Kevin leaned heavily on Alex, in the back of his head wondering how the hell he was managing to hold him up, thanking God that he somehow could. When they reached the bed, Kevin pulled his arm from around Alex, standing on shaky legs for a second while Alex pulled back the covers for him. Kevin sighed in relief as he climbed in and laid his head on one of the soft pillows. Alex pulled the covers up and over him.

"Night Kev. I'll be on your couch in case you need me."

"You don't have to do that."

"Kev, you're so fucked up you can't even walk from the bathroom to the bedroom by yourself. I'm not leaving you."

"Then climb in bed. There's room for two."

Alex looked at the bed. That was an understatement. It was a king sized bed. It could have been a bed big enough for the jolly green giant though and it would have been too small for him to lay in with Kevin and even consider getting a decent night's sleep.

"Kev, I don't think…"

"I don't want you to sleep on the couch because I'm a dumbass." Kevin mumbled into his pillow, his eyes shut against the glare of the bedside lamp.

Alex wanted to climb in that bed so badly and lay next to Kevin, but at the same time, he knew it would be torture laying next to him and not being able to do anything more. "It's fine really. The couch is big, I'm not so big,…"

"Please?"

Alex had never heard him sound like this. He sounded scared, lonely. Alex couldn't deny him. He shut off the lamp and climbed in. Who the hell needed a decent night's sleep anyway?

Being careful not to touch Kevin in any way, he pulled the blankets up to his chin and tried to relax. In the next instant though, Kevin rolled over and threw an arm over his midsection.

Alex sucked in a breath. He couldn't do this. He turned, trying to get up, to get away, but Kevin, apparently unaware of what he was trying to do, scooted closer and spooned him, his arm tightening around him.

"Thank you Alex." Kevin said in a deep, husky voice.

Alex closed his eyes and swallowed, trying to ignore the erection inside his boxers. "Welcome Kev. Go to sleep."

"K, baby."

Alex's eyes shot open. Did he just call him baby? Maybe he thought he was Kristin. He was drunk enough, it was possible. A voice in the back of his head reminded him that he'd just called him Alex not a minute earlier, that he'd known exactly who he was and called him baby anyway. If he hadn't known it before that moment, he was sure as hell aware of the fact now that there was no way he was going to get a damn bit of sleep that night.


Chapter Six
MAKING AMENDS, MENDING LOVE Contents