Kevin sank down on the bed on his bus a couple hours later. The interview had been hell. Being in the same room with Alex and Nick had been hell. They'd pulled it off, because ultimately, no matter what was going on with them personally, as a group, things couldn't be better. They were a unit again. Whole, and damn appreciative of that.

Personally though, sitting there listening to the raspy timber of Alex's voice as he answered question after question about his sobriety and it's effect on the band, he'd wanted to reach out and touch him so badly it hurt, only he couldn't. Besides the fact that they had been in public, Alex had someone else. Kevin knew he had to accept that, he just didn't have a clue how.

He closed his eyes as thoughts of last night and this morning flooded through him. He'd told Alex spending time with him last night had been a mistake. He didn't feel that way though, not even after the harsh reminder this morning that Alex and Nick were together.

Last night had been special to him, as were all the other times they'd spent together, but last night especially. They'd connected and it had felt so right. Being there with him, just talking, creating music, watching a movie together, just…all of it. It had felt right. Like he'd been exactly where he was meant to be. This morning had felt the same way. He'd opened his eyes and hadn't felt a moment of awkwardness. He'd felt like he was home. Like anywhere with Alex was his home.

Now though that was all gone. He had no right to feel this way and he had to get himself under control before he did something really stupid and told Alex how he felt. That would not be good. He decided the best way to fix that was to stay away from him. If he wasn't alone with him, he wouldn't be tempted to kiss and touch him. Well, that wasn't exactly true, he admitted to himself. He'd still be tempted, he just wouldn't act on it.

Luckily, they had that night off from the tour. Kevin decided he was going to stay locked in his bus the whole time. He'd already given the driver orders not to let anyone on, not even the guys. He just wanted to be alone with his thoughts. Tomorrow would be soon enough to deal with the outside world.

When they hit their second stop, Nick stepped off his bus and made a b-line for Kevin's. He had to fix this. He had still been contemplating whether to do or say anything when they'd hit their first stop, but now he'd thought it all through and had decided to go with his gut.

It had been a while before Alex had finally calmed down earlier, but even then, when Nick had looked in his eyes, the sadness had been back. The sadness he'd seen there before all the drinking and drugging had started.

It scared him. He knew Alex was committed to his sobriety, but part of him still didn't trust that fully. That was going to take time. In the meantime, he wanted to do everything in his power to help him be happy, to get rid of the loneliness. Kevin could do that. Kevin could make Alex happy.

Five minutes later, Nick was fuming. Kevin had given orders to his driver to keep everyone off his bus. He'd actually specified that included the guys. He couldn't believe it. Even after he'd strong armed the driver into going on the bus and telling him who was there and that it was extremely important, Kevin had refused to see him.

Then Nick had gotten an idea. He'd pulled out his cell and called him. He'd almost given up, figuring Kevin had shut his off, but then he heard it pick up. He'd opened his mouth to say something, but didn't even get a word out before he heard it click off again. He'd fucking hung up on him, knowing who it was since he had caller id.

Fine. Kevin wanted to be an asshole, fine. He didn't deserve Alex anyway. Nick headed over to Alex's bus. He'd just have to be there for him, even if it was killing him inside. He wouldn't leave Alex's side, wouldn't give him a chance to be tempted to drink and self-destruct again.

Alex sat looking out his window, a cigarette in hand. He watched Nick go over to Kevin's bus, wondering what he was doing. He watched him argue with the driver and the driver disappear inside, only to reappear a moment later shaking his head. He watched as Nick pulled his phone out of his pocket and stared daggers at the bus as he punched something into it and held it to his ear. He continued to watch as Nick slammed his phone shut and tucked it away. Then Nick turned toward his bus.

Alex stopped watching and closed his eyes taking another drag on his cigarette. He'd been chain smoking since the interview that morning. He was on his second pack in less than an hour. He'd cut back slightly while in rehab and since, but right now he needed the vise to calm himself down, to keep him from doing something really stupid.

He opened his eyes and looked out the window again. Nick was nowhere in site. He took another drag on the cigarette and sighed as he exhaled. He knew his friend meant well, but all he wanted was to be alone. Alone with his misery. It had felt good that morning when Nick had held him, but not as good as Kevin. Nowhere near as good. Hell, it wasn't even in the same ball park as the feelings that rushed through him when he was in Kevin's arms.

He turned his eyes back to the inside of the bus and focused his tortured gaze on the table in front of him. On what was on the table, more specifically. Jack Daniels. His old friend, or his old enemy, depending on how you looked at it. At that minute, it looked like a friend to him. He'd gotten it earlier, at their first stop. When he had went to pay the cashier, his heart had been pounding in his ears. He'd been sure any second one of the guys would walk in to the little convenience store and catch him, but they hadn't, so now here he was, staring at the as yet unopened bottle, fighting the battle of his life. He stubbed out the cigarette and lit another one, taking a long drag off it. He was loosing.

Just as he was about to reach for it, someone knocked. Nick. Shit. His mind had been so wrapped around that bottle of Jack he had forgotten he'd looked like he was on his way over. He glanced quickly at the door and sighed in relief when he saw it was locked. Good. Now he just had to wait him out so he'd go away.

Nick knocked again. He was getting good and pissed now. First Kevin, now Alex. He wondered if any of the guys would let him on their bus, or if he was banned from all of them.

"Alex, open up! I saw you in there. I know you aren't in your recording studio. Let me in damnit!"

Alex sat and stared at the bottle, tuning Nick out. His mouth was watering. He could almost taste the alcohol sliding down his throat. It would taste so good and it would make all the demons go away. All he had to do was open it and he'd be on his way to bliss.

He ignored the voice in the back of his head that told him it was only temporary and that the hell that would come afterwards wasn't worth it. He didn't care about afterwards. He only cared about right then…about getting rid of the pain, the hollow ache in his gut.

Nick lost it. He slammed his fist into the door and kicked at it. He had a bad feeling. "Alex, let me in now or I'm going to kick this door in!" When he didn't get an answer, he started to do just that.

Alex jumped, his eyes getting huge. Not again. First Kevin, now Nick? Who was going to kick his door down next? Brian? Howie? If he hadn't been so depressed right then, he would have laughed at that image.

Stubbing his cigarette out in the ashtray, he stood quickly, found a hiding place for his JD and walked toward the door. He jerked it open just as Nick was gearing up to kick again. They stared at each other for a long moment, then Alex simply turned and walked away, grabbing a new pack of cigarettes on the way to the back recesses of his bus, leaving the door open for Nick to follow if he wanted.

Nick stood there for a moment longer, stunned by the emptiness in his friend's eyes. Finally he pulled himself out of it and climbed on the bus, nearly gagging at all the smoke hanging in the air. He glanced at the table and saw about twenty cigarette butts sitting in it. Those hadn't been there when he and Alex had left for the interview earlier.

He turned his attention back to the matter at hand and set off after Alex. He found him laying on his bed, staring blankly at the wall, lit cigarette in hand. He hesitated, not sure what to do, then sat on the bed next to him, deciding not to beat around the bush.

"Who should I call? Do you have some kind of emergency number for your sponsor or something?"

Alex didn't answer at first, but after a moment, sighed and said, "Yeah, I do, but don't call. I just…" His voice trailed off.

When he didn't continue, Nick prompted, "You just what, Alex? Tell me. I can't help if you don't tell me."

"I just want to be alone. Just leave me alone."

"No way in hell. Until you pull out of this, I'm going to be stuck to you like glue, Alex."

Alex looked up at him and something sparked inside him. Where a minute ago he'd just not cared about a damn thing, he now felt something…he felt guilt. He knew he was being selfish, knew what he'd been about to do a minute earlier would have meant breaking his promise to the guys. Tears pooled in his eyes and he put the half smoked cigarette out in the bedside ashtray as he got up, suddenly frantically searching for the piece of paper he carried everywhere. No way in hell was he going to break that promise. He was not going down that road again.

"What are you looking for?" Nick asked, confusion scrunching his brows together.

"My list. I need my goddamn list and I can't find it." Alex said, throwing clothes around the room as he searched for it desperately.

Nick watched him, wide-eyed at his friend's sudden change in moods. "What list? Why's it so important?"

"It's my list of AA meetings. I need to go to one. I need the damn list though so I know where the hell one is." Alex was starting to freak out. That list was his life line. He didn't even know where to begin looking for a meeting without it.

Nick got up and helped him look, slightly calmer than Alex at that moment. After a few minutes, he found a piece of paper that looked about right in the pocket of one of the pairs of jeans Alex had already searched frantically and tossed aside.

Holding it up, he asked, "This it, Bone?"

Alex whipped around and eyed it for a second before diving at Nick, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him full on the lips.

Nick stood there in shock for a split second before responding, bringing his arms around him and kissing him back. After a minute, his brain kicked into gear again and he let go of him, stepping back and turning away to catch his breath.

Alex watched him, feeling like crap for doing that. "Shit, Nick, I'm sorry. That was thoughtless. I was just so happy you found it, I...fuck, I don't know what I was thinking."

Nick turned back around, a sad smile on his face. "It's ok. Don't apologize. I'm just glad I could help."

"Oh, you did. You don't know how close I was just now to…well, lets just say you did and leave it at that." Alex answered, trying to forget about the alcohol sitting hidden and waiting for him in the next room.

He knew he should get rid of it, but he didn't want Nick to see it, to know how weak he was. He made a vow to himself to dump it down the drain the minute he was alone again.

Just then Frank called from the front of the bus, "Two minutes 'til we leave, AJ!"

"K, Frank! Thanks!"

Turning back to Nick he asked, "Don't suppose you're going to head back to your bus alone, huh?"

Nick shook his head. "Don't suppose so."

Alex wanted to get out of there anyway, away from the alcohol, away from memories of Kevin on his bus. "Want some company?"

Nick smiled. "Sure. Come on."

Alex smiled back. He was still aching inside for Kevin, but for the moment anyway, he was all right. He'd just spend the day with Nick and go to his meeting when they hit the town they'd be staying in and everything would be all right.

Over the next few days, Alex and Kevin avoided each other like the plague. The only time they'd interacted at all was at the concerts the last couple nights. Other than that, they made a point of not being alone together, of not even making eye contact. Only Nick knew what was going on and he was torn about what to do.

Brian and Howie sensed something was wrong though and when they found themselves alone in one of the back rooms before sound check, had discussed it. Brian had wanted to stay out of it, but Howie had convinced him to talk to Nick at least. Nick wasn't acting like his normal self either, and they both figured he had an idea of what was going on.

So, there he was, knocking on Nick's bus door, a couple hours before the Dallas show, just after sound check. After a minute Nick answered, not looking his best. He looked tired and drawn, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

"Can I come in for a minute? We need to talk."

"Bri, man, I'm all talked out. Can we do this later?"

Brian shook his head. "Uh, I don't think so. It's kind of important."

Nick sighed and stepped out of the doorway, motioning for him to enter. "Fine. Come in."

After they sat, Nick asked, "What's this about?"

"You and AJ and Kevin. What is going on between the three of you?"

Nick laughed humorlessly, running his fingers through his hair. "Absolutely nothing."

"What do you mean by that?"

Nick proceeded to tell him about what had happened a few days ago and what had been happening since. "Man, Bri, I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to Alex till I'm blue in the face. He won't listen. He insists Kevin feels nothing for him. And Kevin? I've tried talking to him too. He won't let me near him. Just keeps apologizing and swearing he'll stay away from him. He won't let me get a word in edgewise. This whole thing is like some bad soap opera."

Brian listened, feeling bad that he hadn't tracked Nick down to talk sooner. It was obvious Nick blamed himself for everything and wanted desperately to fix it.

"Well, if I know my cousin like I think I do, even if you told him the two of you aren't together, it wouldn't matter. He is the most stubborn, bullheaded man I know. He's got it in his head by now that Alex is off limits and no amount of talking you do is going to fix that."

Nick's shoulders dropped. "Great. So the whole situation if fucked. The two of them are going to be miserable forever."

Brian shook his head. "I didn't say that. There is one person who could get through to Kevin."

Nick's eyes widened with hope as he looked over at his friend. "Would you? God Bri, that would be great. I know you probably don't want to get involved in all this, but…."

Brian held up his hands. "Wait a minute. I didn't say me. Kevin and I may be blood, but since when does that mean I've ever been able to get past that stubborn streak of his?"

Nick's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. "Then who…"

"Alex."

Nick almost laughed. "Yeah right. Fat chance of that. He's just as stubborn and convinced Kevin feels nothing for him."

Brian leaned forward, his face deadly serious. "Then change his mind."

"How?"

Brian sat back again and shrugged. "That's your department. You're his best friend."

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Nick looked away and then back. "Brian, about that. I've always considered you my best friend, always will, you know that right? Yeah Alex and I have become close, so I guess I have two best friends now, but that doesn't mean you're any less important to me."

Brian reached out his hand and covered Nick's with it. "I know, Nick. I'll always consider you my best friend too. Sure we don't spend as much time together as we used to, but when we do, we still connect just like back then. That'll never change. You'll always be my Frack."

Nick smiled at the old nickname. They hardly ever called each other frick and frack anymore. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time. It felt good. "Thanks, Bri...frick." After a short pause, he sighed. "God, I'm really at a loss here. I've already tried everything I can think of to make Alex see how Kevin feels."

"Oh come on. Please. Is this the same Nick Carter who has always been able to charm anyone into almost anything? Give me a break. There's gotta be a way. You just haven't thought of it yet."

Nick smiled. Brian was right. Since when did he give up? All of a sudden an idea popped in his head. "Brian, I think I just figured it out. But I need your help. You free for a while?"

Brian nodded. "Definitely. Just tell me what you need."

"Follow me." Nick said, standing and heading back to his bedroom.

Brian followed him and watched him from the doorway as Nick started rummaging through his drawers. "What are you looking for?"

"We. I need you to help to. A fan gave it to me. A guy, actually. I didn't know he was a fan, but he was and after we, well, you know, he pulled something out of his pocket and told me he thought me and Alex were star crossed lovers and that would prove it."

"What? And what does that have to do with Alex and Kevin?"

Nick proceeded to tell him and Brian's eyes widened in understanding. "You're right, that just might do it."

It took them close to an hour to find what they were looking for, along with several disgusting discoveries of food that had been knocked to the floor and kicked under things…he hadn't been nicknamed Kaos for no reason, Brian thought to himself for the hundredth time.

"Nick, is this it?" Brian asked.

Nick's eyes lit up as he jumped up from his spot on the floor near the bottom of his closet and whooped with happiness. He grabbed Brian and lifted him off the floor, swinging him around in the small space.

Brian laughed at Nick's enthusiasm. "I'll take that as a yes, now would you mind putting me down?"

Nick chuckled as he set him down. "What?" He asked at the shake of Brian's head and the bemused look on his face.

"Just wondering when you grew up on me. It doesn't seem like so long ago when you were as short as me, skin and bones, homesick and wanting to do nothing but play video games. Now you're all grown up with grown up problems and you're big enough to pick me up without any effort."

Nick's eyes misted. "Shit. Don't get all sentimental on me, ok? I'm still the same guy, just….bigger."

"Yeah, in some ways, but in others, you're all grown up. Now get out of here. You don't have much time before the show. I don't know if he's still there, but I saw Alex get on his bus when I was on my way over here."

"K, thanks Bri. For everything."

"Anytime. Now go. Fix this mess."


Chapter Thirteen
MAKING AMENDS, MENDING LOVE Contents