Alex pushed his way past yet another grinding couple. He had started to calm down slightly the further away from Kevin and the girl he got and now he was starting to feel slightly stupid. He'd completely overreacted. It wasn't like Kevin had been kissing her back. He'd been trying to get away. She'd just leached right onto him. They'd all been through that. He knew it didn't mean anything.

"Fuck!" He yelled out to no one in particular. No one heard him anyway over the loud music booming from a speaker nearby.

Turning around, he headed back the way he'd just come, back to Kevin. As he got closer to where he'd left him, he started looking around for him, hoping he was still there. Breaking through a knot of dancing people, he came to a sudden stop, freezing in place at the sight in front of him, only a few feet away.

There was Kevin and standing in front of him was Kristin. They were just standing there staring at each other. His heart stopped and his stomach dropped out. Logically he knew that they weren't together, but after all he'd been through watching them together over the years and all the pain it had caused him, he just couldn't be logical about it. And then there was the way they were both just standing there, staring at each other. Alex would have given anything at that moment to be able to get inside Kevin's head and find out what he was thinking.

After a few seconds of complete paralysis, Alex forced himself to move, turning back around again and heading as far from the two of them as he could get. A minute later he bumped into someone. He'd been trying to get to the door leading outside, but kept getting grabbed by people who wanted to talk to him. He didn't see who he'd run into at first, but as he turned back to make sure the person was all right, he stopped short.

"Hey, J."

Alex froze for the second time that night, then found his voice, saying, "Hi Preston."

"You're in a hurry."

Alex played with his shirt nervously. "Yeah, well, I needed some air."

Preston eyed him carefully. "You look like you need something else more."

Alex knew exactly what 'something else' Preston meant. His brain screamed no, but every other part of him wanted to say yes. He glanced back in the direction of Kevin and Kristin. They were no longer where he'd left them. As he turned back to Preston though, he caught site of them in an out of the way corner talking intently. His brain stopped screaming no and he locked gazes with Preston.

"Lead the way."

Preston smiled knowing he'd just hit the jackpot for the night. There was nothing like a recovering addict to clean a guy out of his stash…and for a hefty price.

Kevin and Kristin moved off the dance floor after several tense minutes of staring at each other not knowing what to say. When they found themselves in an out of the way corner, Kevin couldn't hold back the question at the forefront of his mind anymore.

"What are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too."

Kevin had the good grace to look embarrassed. "Sorry, I'm just…surprised to see you here. I thought you were out in LA still."

"I got a job out here. Nothing major, just a little three day video shoot."

"Oh."

"I'm here with one of the other dancers from the shoot."

"Oh." Kevin said again, and an awkward silence fell between them that the music in the room couldn't even penetrate.

After a minute, Kevin asked, "How have you been?"

Kristin shrugged. "As good as I can be I guess, considering my husband left me for another man."

Kevin almost fell over. "Wh…what?"

Kristin shot him a knowing look. "Kevin, I know, ok? I may not have all the details, but I know you have feelings for Alex and Alex has been in love with you ever since the two of you met."

"My God, Kristin…how?"

"Well, as far as the Alex part, let's just say a woman knows when someone's lusting after her husband. As far as you, that became apparent when I was with you the last time. Before that I was just blind to it because I didn't want to see it. You calling his name out in you're sleep was kind of hard to ignore though."

"I did what?" Kevin's mind was still reeling from the knowledge that she'd known all this time.

"That's why I left Kevin. I'd finally had enough. Hearing you talk about him all the time, watching him watch you when you weren't looking, watching you watch him when he wasn't looking…that was hard enough. But laying beside you, with your erection pressing into me, then hearing you moan his name…that was the last straw. I had to get away from you."

"Oh my God, Kristin, I'm so sorry." Kevin felt awful that she'd found out that way. The look in her eyes was a testament to how much it had hurt her.

Kristin gave him a small smile. "I know you didn't mean for it to happen Kevin. I'm not mad…just hurt still."

"But you never said anything. We spent an entire month together in LA while he was in rehab and not once did you mention any of this." Kevin was still trying to wrap his mind around everything she'd just told him.

"Kevin, my God. You were my husband. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about your feelings for someone else while our marriage was falling apart around us. I…I just couldn't. I tried a couple of times, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words."

Kevin didn't know what to say, so he just said, "I'm sorry," again.

Kristin took a deep breath and changed the subject. "So…where is he anyway?"

"Alex?"

"Yeah."

Kevin looked around, the weirdness of seeing Kristin again and finding out she knew about them suddenly forgotten as he started to get worried. "I don't know. One minute he was dancing with this girl, the next he was just…gone."

"Probably because he saw that girl you were dancing with kiss you."

"But…"

"Kevin, it doesn't matter if you kissed her back or not. Just watching that hurts. I know, I've been there. I recognized that look in his eyes immediately as he watched the two of you. I'm guessing he's never had to deal with watching his significant other get kissed like that before."

"I never said he and I were together." Kevin said carefully, not sure he wanted her to know that much.

Kristin rolled her eyes. "You didn't have to. It was obvious. I've seen you two together a few times tonight before I finally decided to come over and talk to you."

Kevin swallowed. "It's obvious?"

"Don't worry. Probably not to an outsider. I just know the both of you, and especially you, too well not to see it."

"Oh."

Kevin started to look around again, his mind racing. Alex had seen the girl kiss him and it had hurt his feelings. Add that to the fact that he'd been way more upset by what Jamie Foxx had done earlier than he let on and the fact that he hadn't been to a meeting in days and even worse, they were at a party where there were most likely drugs everywhere, not to mention the alcohol flowing freely and suddenly Kevin was more than worried. He was downright scared.

Turning back to Kristin, he said, "Kris, I've got to go find him. I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you hanging, but I've got a bad feeling."

Kristin smiled in understanding. "It's all right. Go. I'll see you around sometime, ok?"

Kevin pulled her in for a quick hug. "Yeah, see you around. Thanks."

Kristin watched him go, taking a deep breath and sighing. She had her answer. She'd come to the party in the hopes of seeing him, to make sure they'd made the right decision to call it quits. Watching Alex and Kevin together and then talking to Kevin and the way Kevin's whole world had become suddenly focused on Alex the minute he found out he was upset had given her the answer she was seeking. It really was over. Kevin and Alex were in love and she needed to move on.

Alex followed Preston through the crowd of people, his stomach churning at what he was about to do. He knew he should just turn and run, get the hell out of there, as far away from temptation as possible, but another part, the part that was in control at the moment argued that it was just a little coke, just a quick escape from the pain of seeing Kevin with that girl and then Kristin. It didn't mean he was going to fall off the wagon. He was an alcoholic, not a drug addict. His conscious argued that he had an all around addictive personality and doing drugs would send him spiraling downwards into addiction again. He firmly told his conscience to shut the fuck up as he followed Preston into the first open room, which happened to be a bathroom.

Alex locked the door behind them as Preston turned to him and smiled. "So, what can I do you for? The usual? Or are you looking for something different? Ecstasy? Or maybe you want to give shooting up a try?"

Alex swallowed. "No, nothing new. Just the usual."

Preston nodded and pulled a packet of white powder out of a secret pocket in the liner of his jacket. "Usual price. Need some extra in case it's a while til I run into you again?"

Alex hesitated then shook his head. "No, I'm not starting up again. Just need something tonight. One time deal."

Preston smiled knowingly. "Sure. I understand." Yeah, one time thing. Right. It was never a one time thing. Must be the first time he was falling off the wagon. He'd learn soon enough that it was never a one time thing.

After he'd handed Alex the drugs and Alex had paid him, Alex realized he had nothing to cut the coke with. "Um, dude, you have anything to ah…"

Preston held up a hand. "Say no more." Reaching inside his jacket, he pulled out a little bag with all the paraphernalia Alex needed inside.

"Thanks."

"No problem. On the house. Just call me when you need some more."

"I won't…"

Preston held up a hand to stop him. "I know, I know. You won't be needing any more. But here's my card anyway…in case you got rid of the other one."

Alex stared at it for a minute, then reached out with a shaky hand and took it.

Preston hid a smile. He had him…hook, line and sinker. He knew that look on his face. He'd be calling him…and soon. "Well, I'll leave you alone now. Enjoy."

Alex mumbled something incoherent as Preston unlocked the door and walked out. Alex turned and locked it behind him again, then turned back and stared at the counter where he'd set the drugs. He just stood there for a while, willing himself to turn and walk away. He couldn't. He didn't make a move towards it, but he didn't walk away either. He just stood there, praying for something to stop him from making what he knew was about to be a huge mistake.

The longer Kevin searched the crowded party for Alex with no success, the more worried he got. His gut was telling him he needed to find him and fast, he just didn't know how he was supposed to do that in a place that huge, with that many people moving around constantly.

Brushing past groups of people talking, he decided to check the bathroom and the back rooms to see if maybe Alex had went there to get away for a few minutes. Happening across Puffy, he reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Hey, man. Have you seen Alex?"

"What? AJ? Yeah. Went to the bathroom. That way."

Kevin nearly kissed him in relief. He didn't though, figuring Puffy probably wouldn't like that much. Instead he shouted a word of thanks as he headed in the direction he had pointed.

He found the bathroom easily enough, along with a line outside it. He pushed past the people waiting and knocked on the door.

Inside the bathroom, Alex jumped. "Someone's in here!" He yelled.

"Alex? Is that you?" Kevin asked, not completely able to tell over the loud music pounding around him.

Alex's heartbeat quickened. Oh shit, what was he going to do now? "Kevin?"

"Let me in!" Kevin called back.

"Just a sec!" Alex answered.

He looked around frantically for someplace to stash the drugs, finally settling on a pocket on the inside of his jacket. He thought about the garbage, but one quick look told him it was nearly empty. All Kevin would have to do was look down in it and he'd see the drugs.

Kevin pounded on the door again. What was taking him so long to answer? "Alex, let me in!"

Alex shoved the drugs in an inside pocket of his jacket and yanked the door open, staring up into Kevin's face. "What? You need to go that bad?"

Kevin shook his head, pulling Alex out of the doorway and to the side so the person next in line could get in. "No, I was just worried about you. I got this really bad feeling that something was wrong."

"Oh." 'If only you knew, Kev,' Alex added to himself.

Kevin watched Alex fidget for a moment, then asked, "Is something wrong?"

Alex nearly jumped out of his skin. The drugs in his pocket were stressing him out. He kept imagining all kinds of insane things, from Kevin suddenly reaching inside his jacket and into his pocket for no apparent reason, to the drugs spontaneously jumping out of his pocket and into plain view of Kevin. "What? No, why would there be?"

Kevin studied him for a moment longer, then decided whatever it was could wait until they were alone at the hotel. "Just asking. You seem…distracted."

Alex shrugged, trying to pretend he wasn't about to throw up from the way his stomach was twisting in knots, or pull all of his hair out of his head. "Just getting tired. Want to get out of here?"

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, I do."

"Good. Let's go."

The ride to the hotel was quiet. Even though Kevin and Alex sat right next to each other holding hands on the seat between them, they felt like there was a huge ocean separating them, mainly because of the secrets they were both keeping.

Alex kept waiting for Kevin to tell him about seeing Kristin, but Kevin didn't say a word, which only served to feed Alex's insecurities…and his need for the drugs still in his jacket pocket.

Kevin in turn, kept waiting for Alex to tell him about the dealer he'd walked into the bathroom with. After they'd decided to leave, Alex had been pulled to the side by someone else wanting to talk to him and a mutual friend if he and Alex's, Cassy, had pulled Kevin aside at the same time out of concern for Alex to tell Kevin that he'd seen Alex enter the bathroom with a dealer and that the dealer had left a few minutes before Kevin had shown up and knocked on the door.

Part of Kevin wanted to grab a hold of Alex and force him to tell him if he'd bought any drugs off the guy, and if so, what he'd done with them, but the other part wanted Alex to volunteer the information and prove to Kevin that he could trust him.

In the end, neither of them said anything, just felt the distance between them grow with each passing minute, until they both bolted from the car once it stopped in front of the hotel. Stopping to sign a few autographs, they made their way to the elevators and up to their suite.

Once in their room, Kevin shut the door behind them and locked it, then turned back and stood watching Alex fidget. Alex walked further into the room and stood there, watching Kevin watch him and feeling more and more like he was being examined the longer Kevin watched him.

Kevin was lost in thought, trying to remember a time he'd seen Alex high so he could gauge his behavior against what he was seeing now. He desperately needed to know if he was high or not.

Suddenly a day from three months ago popped in his head. The day he'd knocked on Alex's door to apologize for butting his nose into his and Sara's relationship. He'd known there was something weird going on with Alex when he answered the door. Alex had looked strange. Not drunk, but definitely not himself either. Then he'd kissed him on the mouth and told him he was happy enough to dance on a table. He'd been high. Kevin suddenly knew that as sure as he knew he the sun was going to rise in the morning like it did every day.

Before he could stop to think about what he was saying, he asked, "You were high, weren't you?"

Alex nearly jumped out of his skin. "Wh…what?"

"That day. The day I came to your room to apologize for butting my nose into you and Sara's relationship. You told me you were so happy you could dance on a table, then you kissed me."

Alex looked away, still ashamed of what he'd done that day and what he'd almost done to Sara. "Yeah, I was. Didn't have any damn alcohol around and room service was taking too long to get there. I was stressed out about the fight with you and about how I was using Sara and I just…needed something to take the edge off."

"So you got high?" Kevin really didn't understand Alex's need for chemicals in his system to make him feel better, but he was trying his damnedest.

Alex nodded, still not looking at Kevin. "Yeah. When I got high, the hurt went away. Alcohol could do that to a certain extent, but the coke, shit. The coke did it so well. I just didn't care about a damn thing when I was high. Hell I almost…" Alex trailed off, his gut suddenly clenching as he realized what he'd been about to admit to Kevin. He prayed Kevin didn't pick up on it, but he knew that was too much to ask.

"You almost what Alex?" Kevin knew whatever it was, it was bad, because Alex looked like he was about ready to throw up just thinking about it.

Alex lifted his eyes to meet Kevin's, for some reason needing him to know everything suddenly and needing to get it off his chest finally. He hadn't told anyone about what he'd almost done to Sara that day, not even his shrink. "I almost raped Sara."

Kevin was sure he'd heard wrong. In a strangled voice, he asked, "What?"

"You heard right. I was in the bathroom just finishing snorting my second line and she walked in with nothing on but this shirt of mine. By that time the coke had already started to go to work and right and wrong went out the window with it. I got horny, she told me no and I started to go after her."

"What stopped you?" Kevin asked, still having a hard time processing that Alex would do something like that. He'd always had an underlying respect for women, even when he was out whoring around. He'd only picked women for one night stands that he knew were looking for no more than he was. The thought of him forcing himself on someone was just hard for Kevin to accept.

"You knocked on the door. She ran for the bedroom and I guess got dressed as fast as she could."

Kevin suddenly remembered her leaving in a hurry and how angry she was when she did. "Holy fuck, Alex."

Alex's eyes teared up as he continued to stand still in the middle of the room. He couldn't stand the look of disbelief on Kevin's face, but dreaded the look of horror and disgust that he knew was soon to follow even more. He didn't know what had possessed him to admit all that to Kevin and part of him wished he hadn't, but the other part was glad he had. He'd been carrying it around too long. Sara had forgiven him, but he still hadn't forgiven himself.

Suddenly he wanted no part of the coke still in his pocket. He couldn't believe he'd actually considered even thinking about using it. Without a word, he turned on his heel and headed for his bedroom, not stopping until he was in his bathroom, in front of the toilet, looking down into the bowl.

With determined movements, he reached in his pocket and pulled out the coke. He stood there staring at it for a minute, unable to believe how something so innocent looking could be so destructive. Reaching out, he slowly tilted his hand, watching the white powder spill out and into the toilet. Once it was all gone, he reached down and flushed, then grabbed the rest of what Preston had given him, the mirror and the razor to cut the coke with, and tossed it in the trash can.

Turning, he stopped short at finding Kevin standing in the doorway, watching him. Somehow he'd forgotten he was there. He'd been so focused on getting rid of the coke, everything else flew out of his mind. Standing still, he waited to see Kevin's reaction.

Kevin was caught between anger that Alex had bought coke off that dealer at the party after all and relief that he'd come to his senses on his own and gotten rid of it before using it.

He could see by the nervous look in Alex's eyes that he was waiting for him to say something. "Why?"

Alex swallowed, looking down at the floor, unable to meet Kevin's eyes. "I…it's just been building for days now. I fucked up, Kev. I haven't been to a meeting in nearly a week, life…living life in general has just been stressing me out and tonight, it was just too much temptation I guess. You were right. The party wasn't a good idea. I was just too stubborn to see it. I guess I wanted to prove to you and myself that I was strong enough to handle it. All I proved was how weak I am."

Kevin crossed the room in two strides, coming to stand before Alex. Reaching out, he cupped Alex's face in his hands and forced him to look up into his eyes. "You're not weak, Alex. What you just did proves that. You didn't have to. You didn't even know I knew about the drugs. You could have just held onto it, but you didn't. You did the right thing and that takes strength."

Alex blinked back tears. "You…you knew?"

"Cassy saw you go into the bathroom with a guy she knew was a dealer. She was worried about you, so she pulled me aside on our way out and told me." Kevin admitted.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I wanted to wait and see what you would do. I needed to know if I could trust you."

Alex hesitated for a heartbeat, unsure if he wanted to ask his next question or not. In the end, needing to know got the better of him. "And can you?"

Kevin stared down into the eyes of the man he loved with all his heart and answered honestly, "Yeah. Yes, I think I can. I'm mad as hell that you bought it in the first place, but at least you didn't use it."

Alex reached up and put his hands over Kevin's which were still holding his face. "Kev, hold me…please."

Kevin swallowed hard and let go of Alex's face, pulling him into his arms. He closed his eyes and held him close, thanking God that Alex had made the right decision in the end. He didn't know what he would have done if Alex had used those drugs.


Chapter Fourteen
LIVING LOVE Contents