The next morning, Kevin lay staring up at his ceiling, still unable to believe what had happened between he and Alex the night before. Even more disturbing, if there could be anything more disturbing to him at that point in time, was the dream he’d just woken up from. In it, he and Alex had been naked in his bed. He’d been the one giving Alex a blow job, instead of that other guy in the limo. He’d woken up hard as a rock and without thinking much about it, had gotten himself off with memories of the dream flooding his head.

Thank God Kristin had been in the shower all ready when he’d woken up. He just knew if she’d been there with him he’d have never been able to have an orgasm. And he’d needed one desperately. He hadn’t been able to hold a hard-on in almost a month now, his sex life with his wife becoming non-existent, but one make-out session with Alex and he was good to go. He didn’t know what to make of that, or Kristin.

When he’d gotten back to the room last night, he’d found out why she’d been impatient and called him. She’d set up a whole romantic evening for them. Candles, wine, fresh fruit and her in a skimpy little negligee. He hadn’t been able to do anything about it. Regardless of the fact that he’d been hard as a rock moments earlier, he was unable to get it back up for her.

His thoughts drifted back to Alex and he wondered if he ever got off thinking about him. The images that thought gave him had him hardening all over again. With a groan of frustration, he rolled off the bed and headed for the shower, which he heard just turning off. Good. Kristin was done. Maybe she’d leave and go do something with Leighanne so he could get himself off again.

He passed her as she exited the bathroom. She barely looked his way. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Turning, he followed Kristin into the bedroom, watching her as she dressed. "Baby…" He started to say, but she interrupted him.

"I called my agent earlier. He has some work for me out on the coast. I’m flying out later this afternoon." She pulled out her suitcase and started packing, not even glancing his way to see his reaction.

She felt sad, broken inside. Kevin didn’t want her anymore. He wanted Alex. She’d woken that morning feeling his erection pressed against her backside. For a moment her heart had soared. She’d thought there was hope.

Then he moaned…Alex’s name. It had been the last straw. She had to face reality. No matter what she did nothing had gotten any better. Her efforts to throw Nick and Alex together hadn’t worked. She had managed to drive a wedge between Alex and Kevin, but apparently not a big enough one. She was sick of it all. She needed time and space to think, to decide if this marriage was worth staying in or not.

"Are you sure?" Inside, Kevin was secretly overjoyed she would soon be far away. He needed space to think.

"I am. I’ve put things on hold long enough. This is a good part, a good opportunity. I’m not going to turn that down. Besides, it might be a good idea for us to spend some time apart, you know?"

Kevin watched as she shut her suitcase and turned to him. His heart ached at the tears in her eyes. "I’m sorry." His voice broke on the words.

Kristin looked away, walking over to the window to stare out at the Boston skyline. "Don’t be. It’s not your fault. You can’t," she paused to take a deep breath. "You can’t control how you feel."

"How I feel?" Panic flashed in his eyes. How could she know what he was feeling for Alex?

"You don’t love me anymore." She responded flatly.

His shoulders slumped, partly in relief, partly from the knowledge that she might be right. Still, he felt he should at least deny it. She was his wife after all. "That’s not true."

She turned back to him and shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not. I’ve still got to go. I need space, and like I said, the work’s good."

Fifteen minutes later he was in the shower trying his damnedest to get off on fantasies of his wife, a last ditch effort to prove her wrong, to prove to himself that he did still love her. No luck. Then a wiry, brown-eyed guy with funky facial hair and about a million tattoo's popped unbidden into his head for the hundredth time and he gave up trying to fight the image, cumming within seconds. He leaned his head against the wet tiles of the shower wall and caught his breath as his heartbeat slowed back down to normal.

Fuck. What was he going to do? How could this be happening? When had he fallen out of love with his wife and started having feelings for Alex? If he was honest with himself though, something had always been there between them. The first time he’d met Alex he’d had a hard time looking anywhere but at the boy’s expressive brown eyes. He’d told himself back then that it was just because those eyes were so unusual, but now he wondered if he’d felt a pull toward him even then.

There had been other little things over the years, including what he could now be honest with himself and admit was jealousy over the younger man’s various girlfriends. He never liked any of them. Sure, some of them had been fame mongers and some had been money grubbers, but there had been a couple that had been sweet and good to him, only that hadn’t mattered. Kevin hated them all. None of them had been good enough for his Alex.

What the fuck? His Alex? Where had that come from? Had he always thought of him that way? The answer was yes, he’d just been too far in denial to admit it to himself. Suddenly he wondered how Alex felt about Kristin. Actually, he didn’t have to wonder. He knew. Alex didn’t like her. He’d known that too of course, just another thing he’d been in denial about, it appeared.

Kristin. Oh hell. Where did this thing, this whatever-the-hell-it-was with Alex leave him and Kristin? He slammed his fist into the wall, welcoming the pain it caused before turning the shower off. The answer was...well, he had no answer. He didn’t know what the fuck to do.

Fifteen minutes later, he, Brian, Howie and Nick were outside Alex's door trying to get him to open it up. Nick had shared a suite with Howie the night before, having finally declared the night before last that he’d had enough of Alex’s partying and screwing, so he didn’t have a pass key.

Kevin paced the hallway while Nick knocked, still not knowing what to do about what had happened between them last night. He only knew that he was confused. He didn't even know if last night had meant a damn thing to Alex. For all he knew he'd just kissed him and felt him up for the hell of it. Alex did a lot of things just for the hell of it when he was drunk. He decided not to analyze it too much until he talked to him about it...if he ever got up enough nerve to talk to him about it, that is.

Inside the hotel suite, Alex woke to the sound of knocking. "Go the fuck away!" He winced, regretting yelling immediately. His head felt like it was going to explode.

"Get your lazy ass up Bone, you're late. We're supposed to be at the ball field in half an hour." Nick yelled at the door.

"Fuck that, it's my day off. Go without me." Alex yelled back before burying his head under the pillow, trying to shut out any further noise.

Damn. That coke was some good shit, but coming down off it, along with a hangover was a bitch. No way was he getting up and going anywhere. Besides, he'd been told the baseball thing was optional and he was opting out. He heard a loud sound outside the door, but after that, nothing. He assumed Nick had given up and left. Alex's body relaxed at the assumption and he drifted back off to the blessed escape of sleep.

Out in the hall, Nick swore when he heard Alex’s muffled reply. He slammed his fist into the wall, immediately regretting it when a blinding pain shot up through his knuckles to his wrist and arm. He’d hit a stud in the wall…just his fucking luck. The day was starting out great. Brian leapt forward, grabbing his hand carefully after Nick pulled it out of the hole he’d just punched in the wall.

"Damn, Nick, why’d you do that?"

"I’m just sick of his shit. Ouch!" He yelled when Brian tried to rotate his wrist. He looked down and immediately regretted it. His knuckles were all bloody, and his hand and wrist were swelling at an alarming rate.

Howie peaked over Brian’s shoulder to look at Nick’s hand. "You really did a number on this Kaos. I think you broke it."

Kevin swore, stopping his pacing to get a look himself. "Shit. You need to get that looked at Nick."

"I’ll take him," Brian said.

"Ok, you take him. Howie, you go to the ball field and hold things down until we can all get there."

Howie nodded. "What about Aje?"

"You let me worry about him. He’ll be there. Just get going."

They all nodded and headed down the hall to the elevator.

Kevin started pacing again, his anger building with each step. He refused to acknowledge that some of it stemmed from what had happened between them the night before and from the fact that Kristin had packed up and left, possibly for good. No, last night had nothing to do with it. It was one hundred percent because Alex was a drunk, pure and simple.

Over the last month since they'd discovered he was still drinking, things in the group had gone from bad to worse. All of them were worried about him. Kevin’s stomach knotted up every time the phone rang and he didn't know where Alex was. He was sure one of these times it would be the police or the hospital and he'd be in jail or hurt or...dead. All that aside, Alex was missing group meetings and the ones he did attend, he usually stormed out of early, pissed off about something or other.

Now this. Now he was leaving them in the lurch. Sure, it had been optional, but since when did any of them opt out? Kevin stopped and glared at Alex's door. The answer was never. None of them had ever opted out and he'd be damned if one of them would start now. On a mission, he headed down to the front desk.

Ten minutes later he was back in front of Alex's door, pass key in hand. He knocked one more time and when he didn't get a response, he slid the card through the scanner. Hearing the click, he turned the knob and pushed, but the door only gave a few inches before stopping. Kevin swore realizing Alex had thrown the steel security lock.

Pounding on the partly open door, he yelled, "Alex, get over here and open this door NOW!"

"Go fuck yourself Kev," came the muffled response.

The last year of hurt, anger and watching someone he loved self-destruct welled up inside Kevin and he snapped. Stepping back from the door, he brought his foot up and kicked it. The door gave a little and he kicked it again. The door came loose in the hinges, rattling slightly. With a growl of anger, he kicked one more time. The door gave in with a splintered protest and a dull thud as it hit the floor of the hotel room.

Inside the room, Alex bolted upright in bed at the sound of the first kick. He jumped out of the bed at the sound of the second kick, running out of the bedroom and into the sitting area trying to figure out what was going on. He stopped in his tracks at the sound of a third kick and splintering wood. His eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped as he was suddenly faced with an enraged Kevin, the broken door at his feet.

He opened and closed his mouth several times before his voice finally worked. "What the fuck are you doing? Have you lost your goddamn mind?"

With his hands fisted at his sides and his still wet hair from his shower coming loose from his ponytail, Kevin advanced into the room toward him, stepping right over the door he'd just knocked down. Through clenched teeth he ordered, "Get dressed and get downstairs now."

Alex froze, truly afraid of the larger man. His eyes darted toward the doorway, praying for Howie or Brian, or hell, even Nick to come bursting in and talk some sense into Kevin.

As if reading his mind, Kevin sneered, "They're already gone. Took the first van. It's just you and me."

Alex swallowed. "Wha, what are you gonna do if I don't?"

Kevin stopped a foot away from him. "I'm going to beat the hell out of you then dress you myself and drag your sorry hungover ass to that baseball field anyway."

Alex started to shake with fear and anger. He didn't deal well with fear, tending to act out when he should just keep his damn mouth shut. This was one of those times. "Fuck you!"

Kevin's hands clamped down on his arms. Alex tried to jerk free, but Kevin was stronger and it was no use. In the next instant, he found himself being dragged back to the bedroom, and thrown onto the bed. He was too shocked to move at first and by the time he got himself back together, Kevin had grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt and tossed them at him.

"You're fuckin' outta your mind." Alex spat.

Kevin's voice was low and controlled, completely at odds with the intimidating snarl on his face. "I'm not going to say it again. Get dressed."

Alex was good and pissed now, his fear forgotten. Kevin was treating him like a child. Standing, he threw the clothes on the floor and stared up into the other man's green eyes. "I'm not a little kid who needs to be told what to do."

Kevin leaned in so they were nose to nose. "Then stop acting like one."

Alex had the strong sense of deja vu. They'd had this conversation before. Oh yeah, at the venue the first night back on tour, just before Kevin had thrown his JD at the wall. Alex snapped. He didn't know what possessed him to do it, but before he could think it through and stop himself, he punched Kevin hard in the gut.

Kevin stumbled back, letting out a whoosh of air. His face contorted in anger and he dived at Alex, knocking them both to the bed. Alex started swinging and kicking, knowing his only advantage at that point was his speed. They rolled back and forth, each getting in a few good punches, trying to get the advantage. Alex pulled back for another punch, but Kevin grabbed his wrist. Alex readied his other hand, but again Kevin managed to get a hold of that wrist too. He held his hands above his head and rolled on top of him to keep him from kicking.

Alex sucked in a breath as he realized he was helpless, at Kevin's mercy now. His dark brown eyes flashed with desire as he became instantly hard with the knowledge. He moaned when in the next instant, Kevin's arousal became evident against his inner thigh.

Alex licked his lips and smiled seductively at the man of his fantasies. "Feel something you like Kev?" He asked, grinding his erection up into the other man's.

Kevin didn't answer, just stared down at his mouth. Alex took it upon himself to make the next move and leaned up to kiss him. He couldn't reach his mouth though, so he made due with his jaw-line and neck.

Kevin shuddered as his lips and tongue danced over his skin. With a groan he gave in and started grinding against him. Alex’s mouth was igniting fires everywhere his lips touched. He closed his eyes, his breathing becoming ragged as Alex licked and nipped and bit his way down one side of his neck and up the other.

Alex was in heaven. Kevin there, on top of him, grinding his erection into him, letting him taste his hot skin. He couldn’t think of a more perfect moment in his twenty-three years of existence. He wanted more.

He pulled his wrists out of Kevin’s now relaxed grasp and slid them under his shirt and up his back, caressing his rock hard muscles. Alex continued working his way up until he was able to pull Kevin’s shirt over his head and off. Once that was done, Alex squirmed his way down the bed underneath him until his face was lined up with Kevin’s chest. He leaned up and licked a nipple, feeling a surge of desire rush through him at Kevin’s groan. He licked again, then sucked the small hard bud in his mouth, nibbling at it gently.

Kevin started rubbing against Alex’s stomach, needing relief for his erection. He felt Alex’s hand slide between them and grip his cock through his pants. He moaned his name, unable to believe this was happening. He’d never been this hard this fast for anyone in his life. He needed to taste him.

He slid down the bed until they were again face to face. Kevin dipped his head and kissed his way from Alex’s shoulder to the hollow of his neck, sucking gently on the skin there. He found the vein that constantly popped out of Alex’s neck when he sang and licked it, then sucked it too, earning a strangled groan from Alex. He kissed his way up the side of his neck to his jaw line, then across his cheek until his mouth hovered over Alex’s.

Their eyes locked as he lowered his mouth to his, pressing his lips against his. Alex opened his mouth, allowing Kevin’s probing tongue in. The instant that happened, Kevin’s taste buds were assaulted with stale alcohol. It was as effective as a bucket of cold water at killing his desire.

Alex was lost in the kiss, lost in Kevin, when suddenly Kevin was gone and cool air was hitting his body. "What the...," he started.

"You taste like the inside of a bar." Kevin explained, sitting next to him, the anger of a few minutes earlier gone. What was left was hurt and sadness for how his friend was ending up. He ran his hand through his now loose hair. He’d lost his ponytail somewhere along the way.

His words stun, but Alex wasn't going to let him know that. Turning away to grab for his jeans on the floor, he muttered, "Fuck you."

He realized how similar this was to his nightmare. Kevin on top of him, getting him hard, then suddenly pulling away and insulting him. Sure, he wasn’t laughing at him, but Alex was sure if he gave him enough time, he would be.

Kevin grabbed his arm to stop him, then grabbed his chin with his other hand, forcing Alex to look over at him. "Alex, tell me what's happening with you. Why do you drink like this? What's wrong? Maybe if I knew I could fix it."

Alex was lost in the green depths of his eyes. This wasn’t like the dream. This was real. Kevin looked like he actually gave a damn. Maybe, just maybe what he’d been saying all this time was the truth. Maybe he did care.

He sighed, dropping his jeans and burying his face in his hands. He was sick of it all. The drinking, the partying, fucking women and men right and left, but mostly he was sick of lying to Kevin, pretending he was just his friend when in reality he wanted so much more from him.

He looked back up, meeting Kevin’s green eyes. "You can't fix this one, Kev. I'm in love with someone who'll never feel the same way about me."

Kevin released Alex's arm, not sure he wanted the answer to the next question he was about to ask, but needing to ask it anyway He remembered who Howie thought it was that Alex was in love with. He also remembered last night when he’d asked him if he and Nick were fucking and Alex had avoided the question. "Who?"

Alex looked him straight in the eye and brought his hand to his chiseled cheek. "You."

Kevin sucked in a breath, his heart suddenly thumping against his chest. He hadn’t expected that. It sent a rush of desire straight through his system. At the same time, he knew it couldn’t be, not the way things were right now with Alex, and besides, he did have a wife, even if their marriage was falling apart.

He reached up and pulled Alex's hand away from his face to hold it between his. "I can't return those feelings, Alex. You know I can't." He said, referring to his marriage. "Even if I could, I wouldn't. You're just a shell right now. You drink and party and judging by the stuff on your night stand, you're doing drugs now too. How could I love you that way when you don't even love yourself?" He hated himself for being so blunt, so harsh, but he didn't know any other way to get through to him. He’d already tried everything else.

Alex fought off tears. His worst nightmare had just come true. He'd told him he loved him and he'd been rejected. He yanked his hand out of Kevin's and scooted away from him.

"Get out. Leave me alone." He said, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice.

Kevin heard the quiver in his voice though and wished he could take all his pain away...but he couldn't. Only Alex could do that now. Standing, he crossed the room to the bedroom door still naked from the waist up, his shirt in one hand. He paused and turned back to see Alex hugging his knees to his chest, eyes shut tight. He wanted desperately to go to him and hold him close and kiss away all his pain. Instead he stayed where he was.

"We were supposed to go to the field early to practice and do the press thing. That’s out the window though because Nick put his hand through the wall outside your door earlier and broke his wrist. The game itself doesn't start for another couple hours. I'm hoping we'll see you there...sober."

After he left, Alex rolled onto his side, curling up into the fetal position, tears slipping silently down his cheeks as his heart shattered. He stayed like that for nearly an hour, feeling sorry for himself and wishing the world would just end. He wanted –make that needed – a drink and for once that scared him.

Kevin was right. He was just a shell and he didn't love himself. He hated himself. But he did love Kevin. He started going over what had happened between them last night and this morning. Kevin had rejected him, but he also wanted him. The evidence of that couldn't be denied. Kevin wasn’t one to be unfaithful either, and even though they hadn’t went all the way, he knew Kevin would consider what they had done cheating on Kristin…and he’d done it anyway, twice.

A seed of hope took root inside him. Maybe everything wasn't pointless. He sat up. He was going to show Kevin he could be more than just a shell, he could be a man again. Even if it could never be between them, he could at least make Kevin proud of him. Maybe that would be enough. He reached for the phone to call his mom. He had arrangements to make.


Chapter Sixteen
BROKEN LOVE Contents