Days later they were in Raleigh. Kevin was on top of Kristin in their hotel room, inside her, trying to get into it. It just wasn’t working and his fading erection was proof. Damn. He couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t even going to be able to finish. Going still, he leaned down, resting his forehead on her shoulder.

"I’m sorry baby. I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with me." He mumbled.

Kristin lay there staring up at the ceiling as he slid out and rolled off her. She couldn’t believe it. Never in her life had something like that happened before. After a minute she pulled herself together and rolled on her side, facing him.

Reaching out, she traced a finger over his hard abs and asked in a shaky voice, "Aren’t you attracted to me any more? Is it something I did? Said? What?"

Kevin covered her hand with his, stilling the motion of her fingers on his stomach. For some reason, her caresses were making his skin crawl. He didn’t know what to make of that. "No baby, it’s not you. You’re perfect, like usual. Just as sexy as ever. It’s just…stress…I guess."

"What kind of stress could be that bad? You’ve always had stress, it never affected you like this before."

Kevin closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady the tremor he knew would be in his voice with the next words out of his mouth. "The group’s falling apart Kris. I can feel it. It’s not going to last much longer if something doesn’t change."

"Don’t be silly. You guys will be fine. You’ve had problems before and made it through. This latest thing is no exception."

"Yes it is. It’s different. This is attacking us from the inside out. All the other shit was external. Lou, the Wrights, the critics, my and Brian’s marriages, hell, even Brian’s heart surgery. We all banded together and pushed our way through it all. This...this thing with Alex, it’s pulling us apart from the inside out."

Kristin was at a loss. She hadn’t looked at it that way. She was afraid he might be right. "I don’t know what to say."

"There’s nothing to say. Even the critics have picked up on it. I read a review yesterday and you know what it said? That we looked like we had guns to our heads out there. That we were just going through the motions because we had to."

"Since when do you listen to the critics? You’ve always blown them off in the past."

"They’ve always been wrong in the past. Slamming our music, our talent. This time they got it right. That’s how I feel. Like I’m forced to go out on that stage."

Kristin swallowed hard at the lump in her throat. Kevin sounded so lost, so dejected. "God, I didn’t know."

"I didn’t either until I read that damn article. Then it all fit into place. Now I just have to figure out what to do about it, I guess. If there is anything. I just don’t know."

In the next suite over, Alex was in the throws of his recurring Kevin nightmare. Kevin had just left him hard and desperate, sneering at him to go get a woman to fix his problem. He thrashed on the bed, crying in his sleep, saying no over and over.

Nick hurried into the room at the pained sound of Alex’s voice. They’d been sharing a two bedroom suite in the last few hotels they’d stayed in. This was the second time he’d heard Alex having this nightmare. The first time he’d refused to talk about it. Nick decided that he would make him this time as soon as he got him woken up. This wasn't good. He needed to talk about it.

Nick sat on the bed and lightly shook Alex, trying to pull him out of it. "Alex, wake up. Come on Alex, it’s just a nightmare. Wake up, man."

Alex struggled back to reality, sitting up with a start. He looked at Nick blankly for a moment, the memories of the nightmare washing over him, clouding his thoughts. Suddenly he grabbed Nick and jerked him down on the bed crawling on top of him and straddling him. His mouth came down hard on him and he kissed him roughly, almost cruelly.

Nick tried half-heartedly to push Alex off, but his muscles were quickly turning to mush under Alex’s assault on his mouth. He moaned into the kiss as Alex started grinding his ass into his rapidly rising erection. Alex’s hands wandered down Nick’s chest pinching his nipples hard, causing Nick to yelp in both pain and pleasure.

Alex’s eyes were closed. He was still lost in that place between dreams and reality and in his foggy state it wasn’t Nick he was doing this to, it was Kevin. Leaning down, he whispered against his ear. "So, I’m sick, huh? This is disgusting, huh? You don’t feel too disgusted to me." Alex ground his ass against Nick’s erection again as he said the last part.

Warning bells went off in Nick’s head. Alex wasn’t talking to him. He knew it. He was talking to whoever had been in his nightmare. Getting his strength back in a rush of adrenaline, Nick bucked up and turned to the side in one fluid movement, jarring Alex loose from his position.

Nick shook him again and said in a commanding voice, "Alex, wake up now, damnit!"

Alex finally pulled himself the rest of the way back to reality and stared at Nick dumbfounded. "Nick...I...you...shit. What just happened."

"You tried to rape me." Nick deadpanned propping his head on up on his hand, his elbow in the mattress.

Alex shot him a funny look. "Yeah right. Me rape you. You’ve got like four or five inches on me height wise and what? Fifty pounds?"

Nick was slightly hurt by the weight comment but didn’t let it show. He knew Alex didn’t mean it that way. "Didn’t stop you. Before I knew it you had me flat on my back and harder than a rock."

It started coming back to Alex. He’d thought he was Kevin. He remembered wanting to teach Kevin a lesson. "Shit, Nick. I’m sorry. I was stuck in that damn nightmare. I didn’t even know who you were."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Tell me."

"I can’t."

"You need to."

Alex sighed, closing his eyes as he gave in and told Nick every last humiliating detail.

Nick listened, his heart going out to him. Alex was carrying around so much guilt and pain over his feelings. He wished there was some way he could take it all away for him, but there wasn’t. There was only one man who could do that and right now he was in the next suite over, probably screwing his wife at that very minute.

"I wish there was something I could do to fix all this for you."

"There isn’t. It’ll never get fixed. Even now, with what he did, I still can’t stop loving him. It’s just my fate I guess."

"That can’t be all there is for you. You just have to look harder. There’s more to life than pain and misery."

Alex rolled out of bed and stood, looking around. "No, Nick. Maybe for other people. But not me. This is it for me."

Nick frowned. "What are you looking for?"

"My goddamn JD. I know I didn’t drink it all. Where the fuck is it?"

"Got me." Nick paused, not sure if he should say what was on his mind or not. "Uh, Alex? Can I make an observation?"

"Sure Nicky, observe away." Alex was now down on his hands and knees looking under the bed. "There it is. Must have kicked it under there accidentally."

Nick leaned over the side of the bed and stared down at his tattooed friend as he wiggled his way under the bed to get the bottle. "I’ve just noticed you’ve been drinking more and more lately. Maybe it would be a good idea if you laid off for a while, you think?"

Alex’s body stilled, tensed, only for a fraction of a second, but Nick didn’t miss it. He watched apprehensively as Alex wiggled his way back out from under the bed, bottle in hand. "I know I didn’t just hear what I thought I heard, right?"

Nick couldn’t back down now. Whether Alex hated him or not, he needed to say what he needed to say. He couldn’t stand by any longer and watch him self-destruct. "Alex, I’m just worried about you. Look at you. It’s what, eight in the morning? And here you are, crawling under a hotel room bed for a mostly empty bottle of alcohol, just to get a bad dream out of your head."

Alex defiantly took a long pull on the fifth before answering. "It was more than just a bad dream, Nick. It was a fucking nightmare. I can never face him sober after I have that nightmare."

"I know it was bad, but people deal with nightmares every damn day without needing alcohol. Why can’t you?" His voice held a note of desperation for his friend.

Alex stared at the wall, unable to look him in the eye. "I don’t know. I just can’t."

"Have you tried?" He asked, his voice faltering.

Alex pulled his gaze away from the wall and looked at Nick. "What?"

"You know, just tried not taking a drink. Just tried dealing with this shit sober."

"You want me to stop drinking?" Alex asked in a strangled voice. Why did that sound so horrible?

Nick nodded. "Yeah, I guess I do."

Alex snapped. He already had pressure coming down on him from the rest of the guys. He didn’t need this shit from Nick too. He thought Nick was the one person who would just be there for him, not judge him. Apparently he’d thought wrong. "Well, fuck you. It ain’t gonna happen."

"Alex…"

Alex glared at him. "Don’t Alex me in that patronizing tone. That’s just how Kevin sounded the other day. I don’t need that shit."

Nick stood, getting irritated. "I wasn’t patronizing you. I’m worried about you, that’s all."

Alex sneered. "Isn’t everyone? Just don’t, ok? I don’t need your concern. I’m fine on my own. Go worry about someone else."

Nick was too pissed now to be tactful. "No one else I know is drinking themselves into an early grave. Just you."

Alex shook with rage. "Get the fuck out. I don’t need this shit. I don’t need you!"

Nick stood his ground stubbornly. "I don’t want to leave. I want to help you."

Alex drank down the last of the fifth and cursed, realizing he was out and not even buzzing yet. He threw the bottle against the wall, narrowly missing Nick’s head and screamed, "I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT. NOW!"

Nick flinched as the bottle whizzed by his head. Tears sprang to his eyes. "Fine. I’m gone."

Kevin heard the loud crash in the next room and flew out his door, knocking on Alex and Nick’s door. He’d heard the raised voices and had stood in his sitting room, staring at the wall separating him from them, trying to make out what they were saying. The only thing that had come through clearly was Alex’s raspy voice screaming for someone, Kevin assumed Nick, to get the fuck out, and then the crash.

Kevin knocked again, ready to break down the door if he didn’t get an answer soon. Then suddenly it was opened and Nick was standing there in nothing but his boxers staring at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"I heard a crash."

Nick nodded, but didn’t say anything. He just turned and walked back to the couch, leaving the door open behind him. Kevin followed him in, looking around the room for Alex. He was nowhere in sight and his door was shut.

"Where’s Alex, Nick."

"Who the fuck cares. He’s an asshole."

"Nick, where is he?" Kevin asked again. His gut clenched, worrying something had happened to him. Nick was acting strange.

Nick sighed. "In his bedroom."

Just then Alex threw his door open and stomped out, fully dressed, only to stop in his tracks at the sight of Kevin. The nightmare slammed back into his head and he fought the urge to run from the room. "Oh, ain’t this just fucking perfect. Come to gloat, train?"

Kevin tensed. He didn’t like that nickname coming from Alex because he only used it when he was trying to piss him off. "Gloat about what?"

Alex pointed accusingly at Nick. "Turning Nick here against me. You did a good job. All sneaky like. What did you do? Pull him aside for some private meeting? Shove all kinds of bullshit down his throat?"

Nick stood and glared at Alex. "Fuck you! He didn’t say anything to me. I’m not some air-head that can’t think for himself. You were crawling under a fucking bed, Alex. With dust and dirt and God knows what else, just for a few drinks of your precious JD. You’re fucked up. You need help!"

Kevin hadn’t seen this one coming a mile away. The two of them had been tight until just now. What the hell? He looked at Alex. He looked like he was ready to pounce on him. He wished Howie was here. Howie was the peacemaker, not him. He wasn’t good at this shit.

"Guys, calm down. Lets just sit and talk about this, ok?"

Nick turned his glare on him. "Talk? You want to talk? I don’t think so. He threw a fucking bottle at my head. In my opinion, there ain’t a damn thing to talk about."

Kevin turned to Alex in shock. That was what that crash was? "You didn’t."

Alex ignored him and advanced on Nick, his fists clenched at his sides his voice low and eerily calm. "If I’d been aiming at your head, I wouldn’t have missed."

Nick’s own fists clenched, ready to swing if he needed too. "Your a fucking drunk. You couldn’t hit a fucking building if you tried."

Alex dove at him, but Kevin was faster. He’d seen it coming and had quietly walked up behind him. He grabbed him and pulled him back against him, holding his arms at his sides with his own arms wrapped around him like a vice.

Alex struggled against him in vain, letting out a stream of curses that would have shocked a sailor. He was so angry he was seeing red. He was so mad he didn’t notice the hard-on Kevin was suddenly sporting as his ass rubbed against him. After a few minutes, Alex gave up and relaxed in Kevin’s arms.

Kevin leaned his chin on the top of Alex’s head for a moment, trying to get his equilibrium back. He was careful to keep his crotch safely away from any part of Alex’s body. He didn’t need him feeling that.

Nick took the scene in with something just short of wonder. He was still mad at Alex, hell, he was furious with him. But as he’d watched Alex and Kevin struggle, he couldn’t help but notice the look on Kevin’s face. He looked like he was being tortured by Alex’s nearness. And the look in his face right then, as he leaned his chin on his head with his eyes closed, spoke of someone trying to get themselves under control. He was turned on. Nick wished he could take a picture and show Alex. Maybe then he’d realize his life didn’t have to be as miserable as he was making it.

In a low voice that sent shivers through Alex’s body, Kevin asked, "If I let you go, are you going to attack him again?"

Alex shook his head. He needed to get away. Kevin holding him like this was going to be the death of him. "No. I’m calm now."

"Thank God." Kevin whispered in a strangled voice.

Alex heard and stepped away as he was released, looking up at him curiously. What the hell did he mean by that?

"Should I get a room change for tonight? Alex, would you rather stay with Howie?"

Alex looked down at the ground. He felt like shit for what he'd done. "That’s up to Nick."

Kevin looked at Nick. He shrugged, knowing it was the closest thing he was going to get to an apology from him right then. "Don’t matter to me. I’m locking my door though."

Kevin couldn’t help the smirk that crossed his face. Nick afraid of Alex. That was rich. "Ok."

Alex turned and mumbled something about air, grabbed his jacket and took off. Nick sank back down into the couch and Kevin walked over to sit next to him.

"I fucked up Kev. I was the only one Alex trusted and I fucked up. Now he has no one."

"You didn’t fuck up. You did what you had to. You care about him too much to just sit by and watch him do this to himself. We all do."

Nick shook his head. "You should have seen it. He was crawling around on the floor looking for a bottle that was three quarters empty. It was unbelievable. I just tried to talk to him. Get him to see what he was doing. He flipped. I didn’t even see the bottle coming before it flew right by my head."

Kevin looked at him, concerned. "Maybe it would be better if you did switch."

Nick shook his head. "No. He’s mad at me, but he’s more mad at you guys. Sticking him in a room with Howie would not be good. I’ll stay."

"It’s up to you. Just remember I’m right next door."

"Thanks."

Kevin patted him on the shoulder as he stood to leave. "No problem."


Chapter Fourteen
BROKEN LOVE Contents