God is With Us,
Even when you think he is not!
Thursday, January 27th
2000 is a day I will look back on when I doubt GOD is with me. I woke up feeling OK, knowing I had to go to court and
testify I thought I’d better run a few miles.
During my run, I was filled with words that I wanted to write to the
driver. I thought of how I was
going to word my letter, Forgiveness for the person BUT not for her careless
actions that killed my daughter and friend.
As I returned home, I was overwhelmed with Grief…The uncontrollable
crying type. I tried to write but
anger was in me, I found myself in my room with all my pictures of Rebecca lying
on the bed…I prayed hard for composure, I just could not stop my pain.
I decided to write to the driver,
instead about “Who Becca was” I wanted her to know what she took from our
lives. I started with Rebecca’s
intelligence, she always had wonderful grades, she was presidential award
recipient, and she wanted to continue learning Spanish; she had come to know
quite well from living in Panama. I
moved to her activities we shared—Tae kwon Do, baseball, basketball,
cheerleading, gymnastics, ballet and Girl Scouts. I wrote about how before our family trips into the interior,
Becca and Alex would gather all their toys and we would take them to the village
children.--that made her very happy and me very proud—We taught Sunday school
together at church and helped with
Vacation Bible School during summer.
Rebecca
was a parents dream, the “Perfect Child”. I closed the letter by
telling her that regardless of what happens in court, she and God know if it was
a result of speeding or not and He is the final judge.
I also told her that I have been imprisoned within my mind and heart from
the defining silence that Rebecca used to fill. Where I used to hold a loving daughter, I now hold her
Ashes that resemble our dreams. At
least now she had a glimpse of who Becca was!
I headed
to the courthouse, I was alone since Max was out of town, my best friend had
previous appointment and the man from Max’s unit that normally rides with me
to interpret for us had car trouble and was going to meet me there.
I cried all the way, blasting my Christian Rock and praying loudly to
God, trying to change my attitude. To
no avail—I arrived still in the pitiful condition.
I sat a few minutes cleaned my face and said, “OK Jesus, let’s go”.
I walked towards the building, there I saw, her and her 3 lawyers.
Feeling so very alone I could only squeeze out a “Hello, having a bad day and
I don’t want to do this” I sat alone in the court room, and then she
approached me, “Why are you alone” A
very good question I
explained and she offered to sit with me…
I apologized for my condition (crying) then reached into my purse and
pulled out the letter and Poem (I had written for Becca before Christmas) I
handed them to her. She looked
surprised and opened them. I
scanned a picture of Becca onto the poem as well as a picture of the Roadside
Cross I had placed on Highway 3 where the accident occurred.
She asked if she could keep them, of course I brought them for her! She continued to read and engage me in conversation, such as;
what was Rebecca’s favorite cartoon character?
When is her Birthday? I was
beginning to calm down. We were
talking; she was a person, a very sorry person. She shared her grief and sorrow for what had happened with me
and we connected. She told me that
it didn’t matter if she goes to jail or what people say about her; all she
needs is our forgiveness.
I expressed my desire to leave the
island and then it came--- She promised me to take care of the Roadside Cross
after I left the Island. Tears
flowed freely as we discussed “God’s Plan” that we would never know this
side of eternity.
OF COURSE- I never did get to
testify since the court appointed translator did not show up. She said, “That’s
OK you didn’t feel up to it anyway, see how God works in mysterious ways” As
of now we have dropped the case, ( after a year with no end in site) it is too
painful and my family must move on…There is no good outcome for a bereaved
parent! Nothing will bring Becca
and Misty back, we can only live here until we go there to see them!
I drove away feeling a sense of relief, GOD arranged for me to go there
“ALONE” and in that awful condition to give me the time and opportunity to
HEAL.
God
was the King of my Glory when life was good, before the accident
And
now
He
is My Prince of Peace during my journey through grief!
Tina
Beidler, 2000
