Grace Within Tragedy

It is impossible to describe how much it hurts to loose a loved one to anyone who has not experienced it.  I would like to share my experiences with you concerning bereavement, faith, and Gods Grace.  I was in an accident that took my daughter, Rebecca straight to Heaven.  She was 10years, 10months, and 28 days old.  We are a military family and had just moved to Puerto Rico. The day after we arrived, we were in an accident.  My friend Misty was driving, we were hit by a truck that had crossed four lanes as well as the meridian.  The results of the accident were catastrophic to my life.  Rebecca was killed instantly and Misty a few hours later. I was the only survivor in our car.

 Faith is hard to keep when a tragedy like this happens to you!  Let me begin by saying, about four years ago Rebecca persuaded me to attend church.  We soon found ourselves involved in the congregation and learning about Jesus and our heavenly father.  It was easy to be a “good Christian” when life was going our way. I believe now, God was trying to prepare me for this loss.  Soon after the accident, I questioned if I even had faith; maybe it was just wishful thinking.  I got very angry with God and questioned how he could take such a wonderful part of my life away.   Eventually, I picked up the Bible and prayed for the strength and faith to accept God's comfort.  I reached out for the hand of God that was always extended out for me even though I could not see.  

A brief outline of my stages on bereavement for the first three months were as follows; the first month, I just stayed doped up; painkillers and alcohol.  The reality of the situation was incomprehensible.  The second month, I stayed drunk, but was out of prescribed painkillers.  I began to realize Rebecca and Misty were not coming back, this was the gut wrenching reality. At times I would forget for a second  that she was gone and then it would hit me again!  I decided that I had to be strong for my family members still living.  I had my husband, Max, and son, Alex, they  needed me to be here more than just physically. The third month, I stopped drinking, on a daily basis at least, and decided it was time to start the new chapter in our lives.  Reality is I cannot live this life waiting and wanting to die so that I can be with her. I need to keep in mind that  she is in Heaven and will be when I get home, so that I can focus on living life now.  We have all cried and mourned openly as a family and continue to talk of the good old days with Becca.  Not to say that tears don't still flow on a daily basis, they are just less constant. 

 I am finding small (tiny) graces (miracles) throughout the tragedy.  The first two happened on impact, Rebecca was asleep and taken instantly.  She never looked up and asked for help!  I would have never forgiven myself if she had and I could not help her.   The third one, which doesn't always seem like a grace, I am still alive!  Why, is a question I ask myself often?  I can only guess that I am here because God knew that Max and Alex could not handle both of us going. I have God for support, in turn, Max and Alex have me to show them God's love through my testimony of being able to live a productive joyous life with them. Which brings me to grace number four: My relationship with God and my thirst for knowledge of the Bible especially Heaven.  I know Becca is waiting for us, our "Beautiful Angel" to welcome us “HOME”! 

 May God Bless us all on our quest to rebuild joy in our lives, 

Tina Beidler

 Update Note:  I wrote this message to myself as a record of what was happening.  Since then, I would like to add that our family has good days together.  We are healing and strive to be joyous and thankful for what and who we still have.  Life is series of changes and choices.  We have made the choice to be thankful for the time we had Rebecca to enrich our lives, and very thankful that we still have each other.      Although perception of life has changed it may be for the better; once you have been through the worst that could happen, the little things don't matter anymore. I will continue to search for answers and enlightenment of the truth, on my journey to find true Inner Peace. ~ Tina