JOKES

A guy met a girl who was working at a carnival, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, So...how was I? Well, she said, You can take anything from the bottom shelf.

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers. =============

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.' When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?' The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!' A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD' , because quality is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?' Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is Secret.' Now give me my beer.' The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look and asks, 'Why secret?' The customer says 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !

    A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it,"she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,"he explains. She looked satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

 GEORGE, THE MAILMAN It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.'   The breakfast was my idea." (thechong)

A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! and please pack my new blue silk pajamas. The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, Yes! lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? The wife replies; I did, they were in your tacklebox.