A train hits a bus load of nuns and they
all perish. They are all in heaven
trying to enter the pearly gates past
St.Peter. He asks the first nun Sister
Karen, "have you ever had any contact
with a penis???" The nun giggles and
replies, "Well, once I touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger." St
Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your
finger in the holy water and pass
through the gate." St Peter asks the
next nun the same question Sister
Elizabeth have you ever had any contact
with a penis? The nun is a little
reluctant but reply's, "Well I once
fondled and stroked one." St Peter says,
"OK, dip your hand in the holy water and
pass through the gate." All of a sudden
there is a lot of commotion in the line
of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to
the front of the line. When she reaches
the front of the line St Peter says,
"Sister, Sister what seems to be the
rush???" The nun replies, "If I'm
going
to
have to gargle that holy water, I want
to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass
in it!!
A five year old and a four year old are
upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the five year old,
"I think it's about time we start
swearing.
The four year old nods his head in
approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm
gonna say
"hell" and you say "ass" OK?"
"OK," the four year old agrees with
enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and
asks
the five year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flew out of his chair,
tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up and ran upstairs
crying his eyes out.
She looked at the four year old
and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers,
"But you can bet your ass it won't be
Cheerios."
A Blind
guy on a bar stool shouts to the
bartender "Wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke,
you
should know something. Our bartender is
blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I'm a
6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy
sitting next to me is 6' 2, weighs
225
and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and
he's a wrestler. Each one of us is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. You
still
wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm
gonna have to explain it five
times".
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
An eight year old boy and his Father were walking through a drug store when the boy noticed the condom display. He said, "daddy, what are those?"
His father replied, "those are condoms son and they are used for safe sex".
The boy said,"oh, ok, I've heard of that in school".
He noticed the three pack and said to his father, "daddy, who uses those".
His father replied, "those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday"
Then the boy looked at the six pack and said, "daddy, who uses those". His father replied, "son, those are for college boys. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two
for Sunday".
"Oh" the boy says.
Then the boy looks at a big twelve pack and says, "and daddy, who uses these".
His father looks at him one last time and says, "son, those are for married men, One for Jan, one for Feb, one for march.......
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