JOKES

HERE YOU WILL FIND SOME

OF MY FAVORITE JOKES

THAT PEOPLE HAVE

SENT TO ME.

WARNING:

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!" The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language." Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next tohim for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords.Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser"?

Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal would be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Joe sits down for dinner and it is just as she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. Few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mom is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH  ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F...... DISHES!!

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Paula, a pretty college student doing a graduate paper on American Indians, was interviewing various members of a tribe.She approached a brave with a feather in his hair. "Why do you wear a feather in your hair?" she asked.

"Me screw one maiden in tribe."

Paua noticed another brave with two feathers in his hair and asked him why.

"Me screw two Indian madiens," he answered.

Just then the elderly, slightly deaf chief emerged from his teepee wearing his full length headdress. Paula approached him and asked, "What do all those feathers in your headdress mean?"

"Me screw all maidens and squaws in tribe."

The girl gasped, "That's hostile!"

"Horsestyle, dogstyle, me do everything," bragged the hard of hearing chief.

"Oh, dear!" cried Paula.

"No, deer!" said chief. "Hole too high--run too fast!"

What is the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky--- you use a feather.

Perverted---you use the whole chicken.

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a bed, I don't care where."        "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."    "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.       "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"        "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's backside and say, 'How about it?' .... and she's always sound asleep."

THE   DOCTOR   SAID!! A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says... 'You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?' She says, 'I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.'She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, 'Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?' She says, 'Well, your name never came up.'

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?'          Adams said he didn't have anyone to talk to.     God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.          Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"     God said, "An arm and a leg"        Adam said, " What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.........

  Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."   One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."   The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."   Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.   When they landed, the pilot turned to Stumpy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.

FINDING THE LORD A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.  The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No I didn't!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the man again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in???" (Donna)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". (James)