Deaf Geanie
A man walks into a bar and sees a
guy with a really big
lighter. He asks the man,"Where
did you get such a big lighter?"
The man replies,"See that man playing
piano over there?
He's a genie and he'll grant you
one wish." So the guy walks
over to the genie and says,"I wish
for a million bucks." All of a
sudden the room fills up with a
million ducks. The man walks
over to the guy with the lighter
and says,"That genie is a little
hard of hearing isn't he." The guy
replies, "Yeah. You think I
asked for a 14 inch bic?"
A rabbit one day managed to break
free from the laboratory where he had
been born and brought up. As he
scurried away from the fencing of the
compound, he felt grass under his
little feet and saw the dawn breaking for
the first time in his life. "Wow,
this is great," he thought. It wasn't
long before he came to a hedge and,
after squeezing under it he saw a
wonderful sight lots of other bunny
rabbits, all free and nibbling at the
lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from
the laboratory and I've just escaped.
Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and
started eating the grass. It tasted so
good. "What else do you wild rabbits
do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see
that field there? It's got carrots
growing in it. We dig them up and
eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent
the next hour eating the most
succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What
else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got
lettuce growing in it. We eat them as
well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and
he returned a while later completely
full. "Is there anything else you
guys do?" he asked. One of the other
rabbits came a bit closer to him
and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must
try. You see those rabbits there," he
said, pointing to the far corner
of the field. "They're girls. We shag
them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of
the morning screwing his little heart
out until, completely knackered,
he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him,
a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you
liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But
I must get back to the laboratory. I'm
dying for a cigarette."
On the first day of college, the
Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules: "The female
dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students and the male dormitory
to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be finded $20 the first time." He
continued, "Anybody caught breaking
this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third
time will cost you a fine of $180. Are
there any questions ?"
At this point, a male student in
the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass ?"
Ways to Reject Pickup Lines
1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the
receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my
place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't
know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into
your pants."
Woman: "No thanks.
There's already one asshole in there."
4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me,
thank God somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's
your number?"
Woman: "It's in the
phone book."
Man: "But I don't know
your name."
Woman: "That's in the
phone book too.
6. Man: "So what do you do for a
living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
7. Man: "How do you like your eggs
in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized,
go away!"
8. A graying man in his 60's approaches
a twenty-something with
"Where have you been
all my life?" She took one glance at him and
said, "For the first
half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
9. Two young dudes are striding down
the street and and one glances
at a girl who has just
walked by. She turns around and sneers at
him, "What are you
looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He
thought you were
good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Man: "Hey, come on, we're
both here at this bar for the same
reason!"
Woman: "Yeah!
Let's pick up some chicks!"
Things to Ponder
1) Why do you park in a driveway
and drive in a parkway?
2) Why do you have a hot-water heater
when you dont need to heat hot
water?
3) Why is an orange an orange and
an apple not a red?
4) Why is a pear called a pear when
there is only one?
5) What do they pack styrofoam in?
6) Why did God give men nipples?
7) If buttered toast always lands
butter-side down, and a cat always
lands on its feet, what would happen
if you tied a piece of buttered toast on
the back of a cat?
8) Is grass really greener on the
other side?
9) Do boxer shorts box?
10) Why do you wear a pair of panties
and only one bra?
11) If Corn Oil comes from Corn,
what does Baby Oil come from?
12) If nothing sticks to Teflon,
how do you get Teflon to stick to a
pan?
13) Why do you need a driver's license
to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
14) Why isn't phonetic spelled the
way it sounds?
15) Why are there interstate highways
in Hawaii?
16) Why are there floatation devices
under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
17) Why are cigarettes sold in gas
stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
18) Do you need a silencer if you
are going to shoot a mime?
19) Have you ever imagined a world
with no hypothetical situations?
20) How does the guy who drives
the snowplow get to work?
21) If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day,
365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
22) If a cow laughs, does milk come
out it's nose?
23) If you are driving at the speed
of light and you turn on you
headlights, what happens?
24) You know how most packages say
"Open here." What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere
else?"
25) Why do they put Braille dots
on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
26) Why is it that when you transport
something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport
something by ship it's called cargo?
27) You know that little indestructible
black box that is used on
planes, why can't they make
the whole plane out of the same substance?
28) Why is it that when you are
driving and looking for an address, you
turn the radio down?
29) Why don't sheep shrink when
it rains?
30) Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
