Lost in the Woods
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
This is [supposedly] an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining.
Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position
to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a
year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target
for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30
p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS
THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think
the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS
OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest Prize
Draw.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set
on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING
IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super
model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS
TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare
you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra
rising
Wisdom for the Ages, Comebacks for all Occasions
1. Well, this day was a total waste
of makeup.
2. Sorry I missed church. I was
busy practicing witchcraft & becoming a lesbian.
3. Well, aren't we just a ray of
fucking sunshine?
4. Make yourself at home! Clean
my kitchen.
5. Who are these kids and why are
they calling me Mom?
6. Not the brightest crayon in the
box now, are we?
7. A hard-on doesn't count as personal
growth.
8. Don't bother me. I'm living happily
ever after.
9. Do I look like a fucking people
person?
10. This isn't an office. It's Hell
with fluorescent lighting.
11. I started out with nothing &
still have most of it left.
12. I pretend to work. They pretend
to pay me.
13. I've found Jesus. He was behind
the sofa the whole time.
14. If I throw a stick, will you
leave?
15. You! Off my planet!
16. Therapy is expensive, poppin'
bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
17. Practice random acts of intelligence
& senseless acts of self-control.
18. Bottomless pit of needs &
wants.
19. I like cats too. Let's exchange
recipes.
20. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks
for keeping me that way!
21. If I want to hear the pitter
patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
22. Does your train of thought have
a caboose?
23. The Bible was written by the
same people who said the Earth was flat.
24. Did the aliens forget to remove
your anal probe?
25. I wish for a world of peace,
harmony, & nakedness.
26. Errors have been made. Others
will be blamed.
27. God was my co-pilot, but we
crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
28. Let me show you how the guards
used to do it.
29. And just how may I fuck you
over today?
30. Does this condom make me look
fat?
31. And your crybaby whiny-assed
opinion would be...?
32. I'm not crazy, I've just been
in a very bad mood for 30 years.
33. If only you'd use your powers
for good instead of evil...
34. See no evil, hear no evil, date
no evil.
35. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
36. Yeah, right! Like I'm going
to put that icky thing in my mouth.
37. Allow me to introduce my selves.
38. Sarcasm is just one more service
we offer.
39. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll
buy it for you."
40. Better living through denial.
41. Whatever kind of look you were
going for, you missed.
42. Suburbia: where they tear out
the trees & then name streets after them.
43. Adult child of alien invaders.
44. Do they ever shut up on your
planet?
45. I'm just working here till a
good fast-food job opens up.
46. Are those your eyeballs? I found
them in my cleavage.
47. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
48. I'm trying to imagine you with
a personality.
49. A cubicle is just a padded cell
without a door.
50. Stress is when you wake up screaming
& you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
51. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers
right off your credit cards.
52. After I cook the vegetables,
what do I do with the wheelchairs?
53. Here I am! Now what are your
other two wishes?
54. Back off! You're standing in
my aura.
55. I can't remember if I'm the
good twin or the evil one.
56. Don't worry. I forgot your name,
too!
57. Adults are just kids who owe
money.
58. One of us is thinking about
sex... OK, it's me.
59. How many times do I have to
flush before you go away?
60. Faster, faster, please the master!
61. I have a computer, a vibrator,
& pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
62. I just want revenge. Is that
so wrong?
63. It's sick the way you people
keep having sex without me.
64. I work 40 hours a week to be
this poor.
65. You say I'm a bitch like it's
a bad thing.
66. Can I trade this job for what's
behind door #2?
67. Okay, okay, I take it back!
UnFuck you!
68. Macho Law forbids me from admitting
I'm wrong.
69. Nice perfume. Must you marinate
in it?
70. Not all men are annoying. Some
are dead.
71. Too many freaks, not enough
circuses.
72. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
73. Chaos, panic, & disorder
- my work here is done.
74. Damn tootin' I've been naughty!
Now spank my evil butt!
75. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be
a neurotic bitch just like you.
76. A woman's favorite position
is CEO.
77. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
78. You look like shit. Is that
the style now?
79. Lick your forehead & I might
let you be my friend.
80. This is a mean, fucking cruel
world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
81. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic,
except for my friends deep inside the earth.
82. Earth is full. Go home.
83. Is it time for your medication
or mine?
84. Aw, did I step on your poor
little bitty ego?
85. Did I mention the kick in the
groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
86. I plead contemporary insanity.
87. And which dwarf are you?
88. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
89. I thought I wanted a career,
turns out I just wanted paychecks.
90. Everything I need to know about
life I learned by killing smart people & eating their brains.
91. How do I set a laser printer
to stun?
92. It ain't the size, it's... no,
it's the size.
93. Meandering to a different drummer.
94. I'm not tense, just terribly,
terribly alert.
95. I majored in liberal arts. Will
that be for here or to go?
96. Gene Police!!! Get out of the
pool!!
97. When I want your opinion, I'll
give it to you.
While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.
Bill takes the capsules for a week,
and damn the red ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor and
asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub
this on every day for a week, and let me know.
Bill goes back in a week and says,
"Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful!
What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover"
A young businessman had just started
his own firm. He'd rented beautiful
office and had it furnished with
antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come
into the outer office. Wishing to
appear the hot shot, the businessman
picked up the phone and started
to pretend he had a big deal working. He
threw huge figures around and made
giant commitments. Finally he hung up
and asked the visitor, "Can I help
you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to
activate your phone lines."
