Top Bumper Sticker's seen around the world!
1.Constipated people don't give a crap.
2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man
has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him.
He is standing next to an
exceptionally
down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes
walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right
by the local man.
He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
The Drunk and the Attorney
An attorney
went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking
drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer
while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well,
it looks plastic."
Then he rolled
it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."
Hit or Miss
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget
it, man-you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"
Some things men can say when getting caught looking at another woman:
- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
- Isn't that
the actress from the movie Delicatessen?
(Chances
are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you,
but
you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will
be
just obtuse enough to distract her
- I think that's
the girl I knew from high school who eventually
joined
a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to
be
a real nut case
- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
- Hey that's
the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I
glad
I ever got away from her. What a moron.
- I know you're
probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman,
but
to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks
good,
but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you
sick.
She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the
end
here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).
- I was just
thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never
hold
a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its
worth
a try).
- Do you think
she's prettier than me?
(Give
her a taste of her own medicine)
Three Things You Need To Survive
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then
one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy,
what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked
the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well,
Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up
behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Princess Ryubet
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'
The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!'
What's in a name?
A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Don't
forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape:
Net'n'Yahoo.
It didn't work out because they were afraid they would
have to relocate
the headquarters to Tel Aviv.
Others in the
works:
3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
