Some definitions
CANNIBAL:
Someone
who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The
only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
GOSSIP:
A person
who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold
Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting
money in half without damaging the paper.
SECRET:
Something
you tell to one person at a time.
YAWN:
An honest
opinion openly expressed.
TOMORROW:
One
of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Bill Gates goes to the Pearly Gates
Bill Gates dies and goes to the pearly gates where god meets him and says ' you are a great man I will let you choose where you go ' heaven or hell? Bill says ok lets take a look at them, lets start with hell. So they hop into a elevator and after an hour of going down they stop the doors open and Bill looks out. He sees a bunch of beautiful women in bikini's running around on a beach. the weather is perfect and everybody is happy. Bill says ok if this is hell lets see heaven so they get back in the elevator and stop at heaven. Bill looks out and sees a bunch of boring old angels flying around so Bill says ok I will take hell. 6 months later God decides to check up on Bill. But when he looks out of the elevator, Bill is hanging by a rope above a pit of fire. Bill says: what the !@## happened to the beautiful women and the perfect weather and the beach?? God says, "Ohh that was the demo."
Heaven
Betty &
Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding.
When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them. They asked
if they could still be married in Heaven. 'Well, let me find out
if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.'
Six months passed and finally Peter returned. 'Yes, we can do this
for you.'
The couple
replied, 'Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your
answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possiblity
that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?'
To this St
Peter answered, 'It took me six months to find a priest up here... how
long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!'
Pig!
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
There's warnings on cigarette packets; how about these warnings for bottles of alcohol:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you, rather than AT you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
