A traveler stops in an unfamilar
city at the first tavern that he
happens past. He stops in for a
drink and happens to notice that he is
the only male in the place...
He see two rather beautiful young
women together and decides to send
them both over a drink...
One of the pair comes up to him shortly
thereafter and says in a sultry
voice, "Would you like to smell
my girlfriend's pussy?"
"Sure!" the man replies.
"Here...." as she blows into his face.
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.
He asks, "Ladies, would you mind
telling me how you know if you've had a
good night out?"
The first replies, "I come home,
get into bed and if I lay there and
tingle all over, I know that I had
a good night."
The second one replies, "I come home,
have a shower and a glass of wine,
get into bed, and if I tingle all
over, I know it was a good night."
The third one turns around and says,
"If I get home, rip off me
knickers, throw them against the
wall, and they stick, then I know it
was a good night!"
Jane was a first time contestant
on the $65,000 quiz show, where you
have to answer questions to win
the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor,
as Jane had a gained substantial lead
over her opponents. She even managed
to win the game but, unfortunately,
time had run out before the show's
host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return
the following day. Jane was
nervous and fidgety as her husband
drove them home. "I've just gotta win
tomorrow. I wish I knew what the
answers are. You know I'm not going to
sleep at all tonight. I will probably
look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home,
Roger grabbed the car keys and
started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run.
I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's
return. After an agonizing 3 hour
absence, Roger returned, sporting
a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I
managed to get tomorrow's question
and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the
three main parts of the male
anatomy?' And the answer is 'The
head, the heart, and the penis.' "
Shortly after that, the couple went
to sleep with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting
into a deep and restful slumber. At
3:30 in the morning, however, Jane
was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis,"
Jane replied groggily before returning
to sleep. And Roger asked her
again in the morning, this time
as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once
again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again
on the set of the quiz show. Even
though she knew the question and
answer, she could feel the butterflies
conquering her stomach and nervousness
running through her veins. The
cameras began running and the host,
after reminding the audience of the
previous days events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the
main parts of the male anatomy? You
have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband
drilled it into me last night and I
had it on the tip of my tongue this
morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
88 year old Vern and 82 year old
Mildred became very close to each other
at their nursing home.
Although they didn't have sex, every
night Mildred would go to Vern's
room and they would lie in bed and
watch TV while she held his privates.
One night Mildred went into Vern's
room and found another resident of
the nursing home, Edith, in Vern's
bed, watching TV and holding his
privates.
"Vern", Mildred cried, "Is she prettier than me?"
Vern replied, "NO!"
"Does she have a better personality?"
Vern replied, "NO!"
"Then please tell me what does Edith have that I don't?"
"Parkinsons," Vern replied.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank,
and lines up at the first available
teller. Just at that moment the
bank gets robbed and she is shot three
times in the stomach. She was rushed
to the hospital where she was fixed
up. As she leaves she asks the doctor
about her baby. The doctor says,
"Oh! You're going to have triplets.
They're fine but each one has a
bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't
worry though the bullets will pass
through their system through normal
metabolism."
As time goes on the woman has three
children, two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls
comes up to her mother and says
"Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asks her what happened
and her daughter replies, "I passed a
bullet into the toilet." The woman
comforts her and explains all about
the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter
comes up to her with tears
streaming from her eyes. "Mommy,
I've done a very bad thing!" The mother
says, "Let me guess. You passed
a bullet into the toilet, right?"
The daughter looks up from her teary
eyes and says, "Yes, how did you
know?"
The mother comforts her child and
explains about the incident at the
bank.
A month later the boy comes up and
says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad
thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes
out to chop some wood. When he gets
back, he says, "Honey, my hands
are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between
my thighs and that will warm them
up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop
some more wood and comes back and
says again, "Man! my hands are really
freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here
between my thighs and warm them
up." He does, and again that warms
him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more
time to chop some wood to get them
through the night. When he returns,
he says again, "Honey, my hands are
really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying
out loud, don't your ears ever
get cold?"
A man was walking along the street
when he saw a ladder going into the
clouds. As any of us would do, he
climbed the ladder. He reached a
cloud, upon which sat a rather plump
and very ugly woman. "Screw me or
climb the ladder to success," she
said.
No contest, thought the man, so he
climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner
woman, slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard, or climb the ladder
to success," she said. "Well,"
thought the man, "might as well
carry
on."
On the next cloud was an even more
attractive lady who, this time, was
actually quite desirable. "Screw
me now or climb the ladder to success"
she said. As he turned her down
and went on up the ladder, the man
thought to himself that this was
getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute
beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Love me hard and long or climb
the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting,
and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again. When he
reached the next cloud, there was a 400
pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing,
flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "My name's Cess!"
A Martian couple and an Earthling
couple meet and are talking about all
sorts of things. Finally, the subject
of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the
couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weeny member--about half an inch
long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds
to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead,
his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive,
but it's still pretty
narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts
pulling his ears. With each pull his
member grows wider and wider until
the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims as they fall
into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin
their normal partners and go their
separate ways.
As they walk along, the Earth male
asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I
hate to say it," she says, "but
it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was OK," he replies, "but a little
weird. The whole time she was
slapping my forehead and pulling
my ears."
A woman, getting married for the
fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and
asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds
the sales clerk, "You've been married
three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!",
says the bride. "Impossible", says the
sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained.
"My first husband was a
psychologist. All he wanted to do
was talk about it. My second husband
was a gynecologist. All he wanted
to do was look at it. My third husband
was a stamp collector.... God I
miss him"
A mangy redneck youth walks into
the kitchen where his mom is fixing
that night's dinner.
"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger.
Can I have a glass of cider?" asks
the slack-jawed youth.
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
"Well sure," responds the youth's
mother and gives her boy the cider and
watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later the boy
returns to the kitchen and again
asks his mother for a glass of cider.
His mother, not wanting to
question his reasoning, gives him
another glass and again watches him
leave happy.
Ten minutes later the boy returns
once again asks for a glass of cider.
The mother complies with her son's
wishes again, but her curiosity has
been piqued to the point where she
can't resist knowing why any longer.
So she wanders into the family room
and sees her son sitting in front of
the TV with his finger in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger
in that glass?" asks the boy's
mother.
"Well Mom, I heard Sis on the phone
say that whenever she had a prick in
her hand, she couldn't wait to get
it in cider."
Little Red Riding Hood was getting
ready to go and visit her grandmother
in the forest and her mother said,
"You'd better not go out tonight
Little Red Riding Hood because the
big bad wolf's out and you know what
he'll do; he'll lift up your little
red dress, pull down your little red
panties and fuck your little red
socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled
out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry
Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest
when she came across the three
little pigs. One of them ran out
of the brick house and said "You
shouldn't be out tonight Little
Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out
and you know what he'll do if he
catches you. He'll lift up your little
red dress, pull down your little
red panties and fuck your little red
socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and
said, "Don't worry boys. Got it
covered!"
As she continued through the forest
she came across the big bad wolf and
he said, "You shouldn't have come
out tonight Little Red Riding Hood
because you know what I'm going
to do? I'm going to lift up your little
red dress, pull down your little
red panties and fuck your little red
socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress,
pulled down her little red
panties, lay down on her back with
her legs apart, pointed the shotgun
at him and said...
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."
