A man came home from the Social Security
Office. "Honey," he said to his
wife, "I finally convinced them
that I'm old enough to collect Social
Security."
How?" his wife asked. "Since the
department of records in the small town
you were born in was flooded, you
can't get a copy of your birth
certificate."
"I know," the man replied, "I just
unbuttoned my shirt and showed them
all the gray hairs on my chest.
That convinced them that I'm old
enough."
His wife retorted, "Then while you
were at it, why didn't you whip out
your dick and get disability, too?!"
One day, a recently married man goes
to the attic of his new home to put
a few things in storage. While he
is there, he notices a large steamer
trunk sitting in the corner. When
he tries to open it, he finds it is
locked.
Puzzled and curious, he calls his
new bride up to the attic and asks her
about the trunk.
She tells him that it is hers and
that it only contains some personal
things. He accepts her answer and
eventually forgets all about the
matter.
Three years later when he is cleaning
out the attic, he runs across the
trunk and again asks his wife what's
in it. She again tells him that it
contains only personal things, but
this time he is more persistent. So
she sits him down and reminds him
that she makes him happy when he's
feeling down, that she keeps the
house meticulously clean, that she
cooks him fantastic meals 7 days
a week, and that she gives him all the
sex he wants, anytime he wants it.
Then she tells him if he is happy
with all of those things, that he
should forget about the trunk because
she will not talk about it.
"Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary,
he pulls the trunk down the stairs,
into the middle of the living room
floor, and calls to his wife.
"Honey," he says, "we've been married
for 25 years and I think it's time
we had a heart-to-heart talk. What
the hell is in that trunk?"
The wife immediately protests, reminding
him once again about the clean
house, the good food and the great
sex. "I don't care," he tells her.
"After 25 years we ought to be able
to talk about anything. Now open
this goddamn trunk!"
So, she takes a key from a chain
hanging around her neck and opens the
trunk. Inside is three ears of corn
and $34,000 dollars in cash.
"Jeez!" shouts the surprised husband.
"What's going on here? Where did
all of this come from?"
"Well, sweetie," replies the wife,
"you said we could talk, so I'll tell
you what you want to know. Over
the years, I tried to stay faithful to
you, but I wasn't always successful.
Every time that I cheated on you, I
put an ear of corn into the trunk."
The husband cannot believe the shocking
confession that he has just
heard, but after mulling it over
in his mind for a few moments he says
to his wife, "All right, I admit
I'm not too thrilled about this, but I
did say we should be honest with
each other, and I guess I can live with
three times of infidelity in 25
years. But where did all the money come
from?"
"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."
A nervous young bride became irritated
by her new husband's lusty
advances on their wedding night
and reprimanded him severely. "I demand
proper manners in bed," she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner
table."
Amused by his new wife's formality,
the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
and climbed quietly between the
sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with
a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the wife, " Much better! "
"Very good, darling," the husband
whispered. "Now would you be so kind
as to please pass the pussy?"
A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys:
* one tin of beans
* one bag of crisps
* one pack of burgers
* one tub of icecream
* one cake
* one yoghurt
* one pint of milk
He takes them over to the checkout,
and the girl looks at what he has
bought and asks if he is single.
The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"
The girl replies, "You're an ugly bastard."
Roger is buying his cousin's used
motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny!
It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time
it's about to rain, I coat the chrome
with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish.
In fact, I won't be needing this
any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going
to her parents' house for dinner for
the first time, so he goes to pick
her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind
him, she says, "Listen, I have to
tell you something. My family's
a little strange. You can't talk during
dinner. If you talk during dinner,
you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents'
house, not only in the kitchen, but in
the dining room, the living room,
on the stairs, the back porch,
everywhere, there are piles and
piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done
the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole
meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger
is getting a little horny, and he
figures nobody is going to say anything,
so he grabs his girlfriend, and
pops! her right there on the dining
room table.
Nobody says nothing.
He's still a little horny, and her
mother is kind of cute, so he
figures, "What the hell?" He throws
her mother up on the table and
starts to do her.
He's just about done with her, when
he looks out the window and sees
it's starting to rain on his motorcycle.
He reaches into his pocket and
takes out the tube of Vaseline.
Her father jumps up and says, "All
right, all right, I'll do the fucking
dishes."
Three guys and a girl are marooned
on a desert island. After one week,
the girl is so ashamed of what she's
doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are
so ashamed of what they're doing, they
bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed
of what they're doing, they dig
her up again.
The difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow
mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass
each other the woman leans out the
window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way,
and as the man rounds the next corner,
he crashes into a pig in the middle
of the road.
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm
bank with a shotgun. "Open the
fucking safe," he yells at the girl
behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank," she
replies. "We don't have any money, this
is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the fucking safe
or I'll blow your head off," says
the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened
the safe door the guy says, "Take out
one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it," he
says as he waves the shotgun in a
threatening manner.
She pries the cap off and gulps it
down. "Take out another one and drink
it too," he demands. She takes out
another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask
and to the woman's amazement it's
her husband.
"There," he says "It's not that fucking difficult, is it?"
A kid comes home from school and
says to his mom, "Mom I've got a
problem."
She says, "Tell me."
He tells her that the boys at school
are using two words he doesn't
understand. She asks him what are
they. He says "well, pussy and bitch."
She says, "Oh that's no big deal,
pussy is a cat like our little
Mittens, and bitch is a female dog
like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad
in the workshop in the basement. He
says to his dad, "Dad the boys at
school are using words I don't know
and I asked mom and I don't think
she told me the exact meaning."
Dad says, "Son, I told you never
to go to mom with these matters, she
can't handle them. What are the
words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy
down from the shelf, takes a marker
and circles the pubic area of the
centerfold and says, "Son, everything
inside this circle is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."
A young couple are on their way to
Vegas to get married. Before getting
there, the girl said to the guy
that she has a confession to make: the
reason that they have not been too
intimate is because she is very
flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel
the wedding, it's okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while,
and said he does not mind she is
flat, and sex is not the most important
thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the
guy turned to the girl and said that he
also wants to make a confession;
he said below his waist, it is just
like a baby. If the girl wants to
cancel the marriage, its okay with
him. The girl thought about it for
a while and said that she does not
mind, and she also believed there
are other things far more important
than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest
with each other. They went on to
Vegas and got married. On their
wedding night, the girl took off her
clothes, she was flat as a washboard.
Finally, the guy took off his
clothes. One glance at the guy's
naked body, the girl fainted and fell
to the floor.
After she became conscious the guy
asked: "I told you before we got
married, why did you still faint?"
The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".
The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".
Seems God was just about done creating
the universe, had a couple of left-over
things left in his bag of creations,
so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in
the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the
things he had to give away was the ability to
stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told
the couple who he found hanging around under
an apple tree. "I was wondering
if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork, jumped up and
begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be
able to do that! It seems the sort
of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh
please, oh please, let me have that
ability. It would be so great! When I'm
working in the garden or naming
the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so
cool. Oh please God let it be me
who you give that gift to, let me stand and
pee, oh please.........." On and
on he went like an excited little boy (who had
to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head
at the display. She told God that if Adam
really wanted it so badly, and it
sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would
make him happy, she really wouldn't
mind if Adam were the one given the ability
to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into
his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we
have left here? Oh yes, multiple
orgasms..."
