Well... I read Brandon's journal, and I figured I'd start one of my own. He said he'd make me one, but since I was indecisive because I didn't want to bother him too much, I doubt he will... maybe some other time after this lame thing is seen.
Well, everyone having fun reading about my issues and private life yet? Yea... there's something truely facinating about doing that.
"So why the title?" you ask. I can explain that, I suppose. I don't know how many other ladies out there have this problem, but I work, and I get hit on... a lot. Obscenely. More than I do at school. It's crazy. The sad thing is, I'm required to wear more clothes for my Togos uniform than I usually do at school. (And for record, I'm not a skank. I don't wear tube tops and mini skirts... ever. I consist of Dickies, sometimes a decently lengthed skirt, and a shirt that MAYBE shows a LITTLE cleavage. It's hard to avoid!!! I can't help that these shirts were all made for people that are 5'6'' and flat. Sheesh. Being short and large buxomed isn't all it's cracked up to be) Anyway, I'm there in a shirt that fits so illy, the 'short' sleeve hang down to my elbows, and it has a polo collar. I have to wear my hair all up, and a baseball cap that matches the shirt. A khaki pair of Dickies, and an apron at all times.... and I still have people hitting on me. I'm deeply wounded that Brandon would think I'm calling this upon myself. I was offered $200 by some creep to have sex with him in the back alley when I was bussing tables. I didn't even make eye-contact with the guy! Barely knew he was there, other than I knew not to wipe that table down... so how did I bring that upon myself?.. Another person that same day gave me a $2 tip (which you usually don't do at a sandwitch shop) for cleaning his table. He was some old gross greasy balding mechanic. Why would I even look twice? He was staring at my boobs every time I would walk by doing my job. How is that my fault? Brandon's made me feel terrible about the body. Everyone does. I can ignore assholes and creeps that want it, but my boyfriend practically telling me it's MY OWN FAULT when people look at me and offer me gross propositions? It's like a stab in the heart.
Another thing about Brandon. He may say he loves me... and I still believe him... I just don't feel it when he says it anymore. There was something different there. When he said it before, I knew it was right from the heart. Now, I think it's only to keep me from getting upset. I remember when we used to talk about how much we hated when people just tossed the word around like it was nothing... and that's just what he's doing... at least it feels like it. He can't feel a little sorry for me when my eye gets permenantly scarred... even if it was my own damn fault. Not that my own disabilities didn't give me a bit of a handicap. I don't see depth like a normal person does, so I can never tell how far something is from me... it can't be helped.
No matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter how I act, I can never help him. He won't let me help. That knife he stabbed into my heart? This is just him twisting it around a little. Even if I don't feel like he loves me... or even cares about me... nearly as much as he used to, I still care very much for him, if not more than ever... but I can't do anything to help him, as hard as I try. I just want him to be happy with the pathetic life we live. If we have to be around, we might as well make the best of it. But it doesn't matter what I say or do, he won't let me help. Not even a little. I understand if you're fighting your own demons, but everyone needs a helping hand, or even a girlfriend to make them feel better when they need it. Batman has Robbin, Peter Parker has Mary Jane, I mean, even the Incredeble Hulk had the She-Hulk. Every needs a little help, no matter how tough, or how great you are. If that wern't true, there wouldn't be the Superfriends, the Justice Leauge, or the Leauge of Extrodinary Gentleman, would there?
I may act tough... but I'm certainly a little pussycat underneath it all. I'm tough on the outside because I have to be. I learned that if I'm not, people take advantage of me, because I'm usually pretty nice, even to people I hate. But, when I'm tough, it's hard to keep up. It runs me ragged, and sometimes I just want to be treated a little more tender. I really like being more... the man in my relationship. I enjoy buying the movie ticket for Brandon, I enjoy paying for his lunch or whatever, I enjoy playing for his arcade game tokens, and I enjoied shelling out my own money to buy him the more expensive gifts... like the wah, the clothes, the ring, etc. I just... need a little Christin Love and Appreciation Time once and awhile, that's all.
Just thinking about a little something Brandon said earlier... if some married couples only have sex three times a year, I wonder what our honeymoon is going to be like...
I'm not sure which would be worse... being the way I am and having everybody look at me and want to freaking molest me, or being ugly and having nobody ever be attracted to me. Brandon says something like he doesn't like it when other people look, but not that he doesn't trust me. Maybe he should be glad I'm so attractive? I dunno. I just don't know what to make out of any of it.
All we do is fight lately anyway. Before I left to go light fireworks with my family, he asked me if I wanted to break up with him because I told him that I didn't feel like there was as much between us as there once was. I'm not sure how much of this is my fault, but I just can't feel loved by someone if they don't even want to live practically, no matter how hard I try. But that twisting knife in my heart... he just kinda pulled my heart out with it and took a bite out of it, I think. I can't do anything if he doesn't want me to... how am I supposed to endure this... and how am I supposed to feel?..
I'm glad I live in America. If I didn't, I wouldn't be as happy as I am generally, and I wouldn't have my Brandon... I just wish we saw things eye to eye.
Anyway, this post is getting long, and I just hope I've said everything that was on my mind. It helps to get it all out to someone who can't fight back. (that's you who's reading this) I hope Brandon read this, so he knows how I feel... and that I still love him more than the day we started going out. I would never abandon him... the only way I would ever leave him is if he beat me to DEATH (cause even if he beat me, I still could find it in my to forgive him... because I love him that much), or if he himself left me. Even then, I think he'd have some stalker problems, as I would not leave his side until the day I die, no matter how bad things get. I love him to death. Literally. I will die before I stop loving that little darling. I don't care what anybody else says about him... I love him dearly... and I always will. If anything was left out, whatever. Too tired to go on. Brandon?... I love you.