The Dating Dictionary
note: I didn't make these up someone else did, i just think they are funny
ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do anything
IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
[Bak up toP]
THE GIFT
Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual."
Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."
[Bak up toP]
THE ELEPHANT AND THE CHICKEN
An elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden, he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance, a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Don't worry, I am going to save you." The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*.
He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause). So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking through the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts, "Don't worry chicken I will save you." So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas, this also is too small.
As a last desperate effort, the elephant throws in his penis. Success! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety. Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."
[Bak up toP]
YET ANOTHER LITTLE JOHNNY
The Little Johnny was 8 years old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her, but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.
She suggested that he call his mother and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.
She said, "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that."
He replied, "Well I told my mother how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then."
[Bak up toP]
THE NOT SO FRIENDLY SKIES
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.
"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world."
With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on earth.
Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is, he's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all. The worse news is he's mad and is going to end the world in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix Windows '98."
[Bak up toP]
A FARMER AND HIS PIGS
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
[Bak up toP]
MAFIA BALLS
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf-mute person for this job because if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up over $40,000 and got greedy and decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realized that their collection was late and sent some of their gangsters after the deaf collector. When the gangsters found the deaf collector and asked him where the money was, the deaf collector couldn't communicate with them. So the mafia guys took the guy to a sign language interpreter.
The mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about".
The gangster pulled out a gun and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW, ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signed back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes lit up and said to the gangster, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
[Bak up toP]
FAITH
A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island.
"Come on, man, get in!" said the boatman.
"No," said the guy on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chest, another boat appeared.
"Get in the boat, or you're going to drown!" said the boatman.
Again, the guy said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chin, a third boat appeared.
"Get in, this is your last chance!"
"No, Jesus will save me!"
So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus.
"Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown! I don't believe it!"
"YOU? don't believe it?" Jesus said, "I sent three fucking boats to save you!!"
[Bak up toP]
IF MEN GOT PREGGIE
Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay
There'd be a cure for stretch marks
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute
Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm
Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags
They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him."
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree
Women would rule the world!
[Bak up toP]