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Chapter
Being pregnant was actually good for me. I felt wonderful! Every new
thing I discovered about being pregnant fascinated me. When I read
that
around the fourth month the baby has actual genitalia, I demanded an
ultrasound.
Around the fifth month of my pregnancy, when I was showing more, the
doctor
finally got tired of me yapping about it and ordered me an ultrasound.
They
found out the sex right away. It was a boy. He was pretty much
mooning the
screen. I was deliriously happy. The ultrasound was so cool! I laid
there
and watched the baby kick and move. Watching him move was almost as
cool as
the feel of him moving around inside me.
Until my seventh month, I didn’t go anywhere or see much of anyone. I
just
stayed home and wrote. I did my freelance stuff to pay the bills, but
I
never saw any of my old friends and I never went anywhere. I think I
felt
all hormonal. Because one minute I was happy as hell in my solitude.
And
the next I was so lonely I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
One day I was so lonely I finally made a few phone calls to some old
friends. But, I had been so distant I couldn’t pay anyone to see me.
So
then I spent about an hour having myself a pity party. Then I laughed
at
myself and grabbed my sneakers. I figured I’d just go for a walk in
the
nearby park.
At first I wondered how I was going to get my sneakers on. I had
gotten
pretty round up front. But then I realized that I was still quite
flexible
and managed to just barely set my ankle on my knee so I could tie my
shoes.
There was actually a bounce to my step as I walked out the door.
It was a beautiful August day. It was warm, bordering on hot, but a
slight
breeze cooled everything off. I was in a great mood as I made my way
deeper
into the park. I was actually making plans with myself to come back
here
when autumn came to turn all the leaves to gold.
I found a quiet bench near the children’s playground. I’d brought my
notebook with me. I began writing. Every once in awhile I would look
up
and smile at the children as they played. Then I would rub my
burgeoning
belly and smile to myself.
An unknown amount of time later, I ran my tongue over my lips and
grimaced. My tongue felt like sandpaper. I glanced around, looking for a
drinking
fountain, when I spotted a man pushing a cart full of ice cream. I
smiled
to myself. Even better! I thought.
As I approached the ice cream man, I saw a tall blond guy with three
tiny
pug dogs on leashes get there before me. I felt myself grin. I loved
dogs
and had been debating with myself if I wanted to get a puppy to keep me
company. When I reached the tall man, I bent and cooed at his puppies.
The
puppies jumped up and down, reveling in the attention I lavished on
them.
“Your puppies are so cute,” I said as I rose to my feet.
The blond man turned to face me just as he was biting into a nestle
crunch
bar. Oh boy, he wasn’t a man. Not quite, anyways. My smile fell as I
recognized him as Brian’s friend.
Apparently he recognized me as well because the bite he had taken out
of
his ice cream fell onto the sidewalk where the puppies gobbled it up
quickly.
“Lauren?” he said as his pink tongue snaked out to lick the ice cream
off
the corner of his mouth.
“You missed some,” I said evenly. I turned to walk away.
“No, wait a minute,” the blond called. I turned slowly to look at him
and
he flashed me a completely disarming smile. Made even more disarming
by the
bit of ice cream that still clung to the side of his mouth. “Let me
buy you
an ice cream or something.”
I felt my brows furrow. “I am perfectly capable of...”
“Please?” he asked before I could finish. His expression was
completely
puppy-doggish.
I sighed as I eyeballed what the vendor was selling. “How about a red
white and blue popscicle?”
The blond grinned. “You got it.”
Chapter 7
“My name’s Nick,” he said after a long moment.
“Nice to meet you,” I said. But that was a reflex. I wasn’t sure yet
if
it was a nice thing.
He was handsome, though. Young. Flaxen blond hair. Tall. Not thin,
not
fat, not muscular, not puny. Just right. Pretty sky blue eyes. And
the
smile that was so charming.
There was another long pause. I licked the blue ice off the stick.
The
blue was my favorite. Nick cleared his throat. Every time he moved I
tensed up. Like a wounded animal I wanted to bolt but couldn’t.
“I...I can’t tell you what’s going on,” Nick said. “I’m not allowed
to.”
“Look, Nick,” I said as I rose to my feet. “Thank-you for the
popscicle.
I really needed it. But I don’t give a shit anymore.”
Nick eyed my belly. “I think you do. How far along are you anyway?”
He gazed up at me innocently. I wanted to smack him. Immediately I
went
on the defensive.
“It’s not his,” I lied, covering my belly with my hands. I thought
that by
covering my belly I could stop Nick from looking at it. It didn’t
work.
He gazed at me steadily. “You don’t have to lie to me,” he said. “I
know all about you.”
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“Please,” he said, gesturing to the empty spot on the bench I had just
vacated. “Sit down.”
Instead of arguing with him I sat. But grudgingly. I knew I was
pouting
and I hated this young kid for making me feel so small.
I sighed. “Just what, exactly, do you know?”
“I know you’re not as tough as you’re acting right now,” he said not
unkindly. He smiled. “I’m not here to hurt you, Lauren. So please.
Just
relax. I’ll tell you what I can. But there are some things I’m not
allowed
to talk about.”
His voice was so kind. And he really was quite charming. Plus he
didn’t
do anything to me. And he bought me my favorite kind of popscicle. I
couldn’t stay mad.
“So talk,” I told him.
Chapter 8
“First I’ll tell you that I hired a private detective. You meeting me
here
today was not unplanned.”
I felt my eyes widen. “Excuse me?” I asked again. “You’ve had me
followed?”
“I’m very sorry,” he replied. “But yes. I did. I felt I had to, you
see.”
“No,” I replied. “I don’t see.”
“Look, I know you don’t know me. But I was honestly worried about
you. It
was like you disappeared from the face of the earth.”
“I wanted it to be that way,” I told him.
“Well I still worried. So I hired someone. And I’m sorry, but it was
just
something I had to do.” He eyed my belly again. I crossed my arms
over it
and he smiled warmly. “I always thought pregnant women looked so cute
in
those huge overall shorts. You’re no exception.”
I smiled, albeit reluctantly. “Thanks.”
“Anyway, I know that’s Brian’s baby,” he said, pointing to my belly.
“Because the detective found out that you weren’t seeing anyone for
over a
year before your...uhhh....” He looked uncomfortable. And he was
blushing.
“Fling,” I muttered, as I watched the puppies play with one another.
“OK,” Nick agreed slowly. “Fling. With Brian. So you couldn’t have
been
pregnant before you started with Brian.”
“Maybe I’m a slut,” I said defiantly.
Nick smiled softly at me. “To be honest, I thought of that. But
you’re
not. You believe totally in a one on one relationship, and you haven’t
had
one of those in quite awhile.” He sounded like he was quoting from a
book.
“Jesus, who’d you talk to? My mother?” I asked, and Nick laughed.
“I don’t have a clue who the guy talked to.”
“So what else do you know about me?”
“I know what you’ve been doing these past few months. Which is
nothing but
writing a bit to pay the bills. You haven’t seen anyone or done
anything in
quite some time. So I know this baby isn’t the product of some...after
affair.”
“This guy’s good,” I told him. “You definitely got your money’s worth
anyway. But let me ask you something. If you can’t even tell me
anything,
why go to all the trouble?”
“My best friend is in a lot of pain,” Nick said softly. “He’s not
himself.
He never smiles anymore. He used to be such a clown. Now
he’s...he’s....different.”
“Like I wasn’t in pain?” I asked him, beginning to get angry. “Like
I’m
not still in pain?”
Nick held up his large hands. “No one ever said that you weren’t.
It’s
obvious from where I’m standing that you are.”
“Well...Why didn’t you just let Brian find me or whatever?” I asked
after a
slight pause.
Nick snorted laughter. “Would you have talked to Brian? Because you
did a
damn good job of avoiding him in the first place.”
“No,” I admitted with an embarrassed grin. “But what made you think
that I
would talk to you?”
He grinned. “Just a guess.”
I sighed. “So what, exactly, do you hope to get out of all this James
Bondedness?”
Nick laughed heartily. “Ah,” he drawled out. “That’s funny.”
“Yeah,” I said sarcastically. “I’m a fuckin’ comedian. But that
doesn’t
answer my question.” I was beginning to get impatient. Stupid
hormones.
Nick bit down on his full lower lip. “I would like for you to talk to
Brian. Give him another chance.”
I laughed. “Are you out of your fuckin’ mind?” I asked. “Do you know
what
it feels like to have your heart punched out then run over by a...a...a
semi? Do you have any idea whatsoever?”
Nick shook his head sadly. “I’ve never been in love like that
before.”
I fought back my tears. My bottom lip was trembling. My throat
closed up.
It was hard to breathe. Nick had just brought back all the pain of
it for
me. It was like I was watching the whole thing all over again.
“Well when you are, junior, you can come back and talk to me. Because
right now I’m through.”
I stood to go, pissed as hell at this punk kid who would presume to
know
what I felt. I was all prepared to stalk off when I felt his hand on
my
shoulder. I whirled to face him and the next thing I knew he was
hugging me
and I was sobbing against his chest.
“I’m so lonely,” I wailed. “I loved him so much, but I can’t...I
just...I
can’t. It hurts,” I sobbed.
“Make me a promise then,” Nick whispered into my hair.
“All right,” I sniffed.
“I don’t want you to be lonely. I want you to be happy. I want Brian
to
be happy. But there are circumstances beyond my control. Things I
can’t
talk about. I wish to God I could. It would make everything so much
easier if I could tell you.” I heard him sigh as he stroked my hair.
I
felt like an idiot for bawling on a stranger. But I can honestly say
that I
didn’t care much. Well. I cared. But only for a few minutes at a
time.
“I won’t say anything to Brian about you,” he continued in a whisper.
“He
also hired someone. But I pay HIS someone more to tell him that he
can’t
find you. That no one can find you. He believes this. For now. I
will
continue to do that. But you have to promise me something. After the
baby
is born, you WILL talk to him. He at least deserves to know that he is
a
father.”
I was silent, listening to the sound of Nick’s heart beating and the
children playing in the playground, and the puppies squealing as they
romped. It was a fair enough deal. Brian certainly deserved to know
about
his child.
“All right,” I agreed.
Chapter 9
The final months of my pregnancy proved to be the easiest yet. I was
happy
because I wasn’t alone anymore. Nick turned out to be a great guy and
an
even better friend. But boy was he a big meanie head when it came to
certain things.
Early in my pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I
was
lucky enough to not have to go on insulin. I kept my blood sugar down
simply by eating right. But I had one vice that I couldn’t seem to
give up,
and that was Coca-Cola. I loved the sweet soda, and it was about all I
drank. Surprisingly, it didn’t seem to affect my blood sugar much.
But
Nick...Nick was a veritable Coke Cop! Every time he caught me drinking
anything that even resembled Coke, he’d snatch it from me and take a
sip.
He sipped it because I started fibbing and told him that it was Diet
Coke I
was drinking, which was something I could actually have. But I hated
Diet
Coke. Nick was always lecturing me about drinking regular Coke, and to
make
things easier for me, he even started drinking Diet Coke himself. The
sweetheart. But I still cheated. Diet Coke sucks.
Nick was also my new Lamaze coach. He went with me to every class.
Of
course we received some strange looks. It’s not like he was a nobody.
Still, I was surprised that our picture didn’t show up in some rag mag.
I
kept expecting it actually. Nick and I giggled over the headlines that
we
imagined.
“They would think I’m your girlfriend,” I realized. I collapsed into
giggles.
“What the hell’s wrong with that?” Nick asked with a laugh.
“You’re just a baby,” I told him.
He gave me a dirty look. His lip curled up like Elvis’. “Shit,” he
drawled out. “You are SO lucky you’re pregnant. As soon as you pop
that kid you’re going down.”
“I can take you, junior.”
“You wish!” he said, laughing.
We were both so silly that day. We couldn’t stop giggling. That was
the
great thing about Nick. You could goof around with him. He was fun.
He
was like my little brother. I couldn’t wait to not be pregnant
anymore. He
was going to get a butt whuppin.
One day, about a week before I was due, Nick and I were in my basement
where I had a sort of game room set up with a pool table, darts, and a
big
screen TV where my guy friends could watch their games and make a mess.
I
also had a Nintendo 64 hooked up. That’s what Nick and I were doing.
Playing some racing game. Nick was kicking my ass as usual. I never
tried
to win at these things. I saw what happened when I did. Nick was a
poor
loser. Sometimes I would win just to see him pout. To see his full
bottom
lip hanging out was quite cute.
“Nick?” I asked as I stared at the image of the blue Ferrari I was
racing.
“Yeah?” Nick said in a distracted voice.
“Doesn’t anyone ever ask where you spend most of your time?”
Nick glanced at me. “Why do you ask that?”
“I kinda feel bad.”
Nick actually tossed the controller down on the floor to give me a
what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about? look. “What do you mean, you feel
bad?”
I shrugged and crashed my car into a bridge abutment. “I just feel
like
I’m taking up all of your spare time.”
Nick rolled his eyes. “Oh, for crying out loud! The only one that’s
really noticed has been Brian. But then again HE’S still moping
around.”
“Is he really?” I asked, immediately feeling guilty for actually
allowing
myself to laugh and have a good time with what was supposed to be
Brian’s
best friend. I sighed heavily. “Oh, great. Now I feel worse.”
Nick grinned. “Does that mean you’ll talk to Brian a bit early and
relieve
me of this burden?”
“What burden?”
“The burden of having to spend time with you,” he teased.
I made a noise and punched his arm lightly. “I’m so offended.”
“Oh, well,” he said with a grin.
“Fag.”
“Bitch,” he replied amiably.
He shot me a glance out of the corner of his eye. Then we both
giggled
like children.
Chapter 10
“Oh, God this hurts,” I moaned.
“It’s OK,” a panicked Nick said as he stared at his watch. His lips
moved
as he counted.
“It is NOT OK!” I yelled, gripping my belly. “It hurts, you asshole!”
“Yeah, I sure am,” Nick mumbled under his breath. “I’m calling the
doctor.
He said when they were five minutes apart I could call.”
“Oh, I’ve only been going through this shit all day!” I screamed at
Nick’s
retreating form.
Crying and moaning, I held my belly and cursed under my breath as the
pain
of the contraction increased. When Nick rushed back into the room a
few
minutes later, I was sweaty but calm.
“I’m sorry Nick,” I apologized. “I don’t mean to call you names.” I
burst
into tears. “You’ve been so wonderful to me.”
Nick helped me to my feet with a slight, crooked smile on his face.
“I’m
sure that before the day is over you’ll call me worse things.”
“I don’t mean to,” I told him, sniffling. “It just hurts! And Brian
isn’t
here for me to scream at,” I said with a pout.
“He could meet us at the hospital.”
I glared at him. “Do it and die,” I warned.
“Yes dear,” he said as he helped me waddle out to his car.
“Don’t be sarcastic,” I warned, and he chuckled.