Untitled

Untitled I
3.1.99

one paper down, one more to go.

it's been a busy weekend, with my ass working on two large research papers. i just turned one in, and the first draft of the other paper is due tomorrow. and i must say that i'm pretty proud of myself. i fought my procrastination tendencies and succeeded.

all this hard work...this paper-writing, test-taking, stress-inducing stuff is all working towards something. the only problem is that i'm not quite sure what that something is.

i just realized that the quarter is almost over. after that, i have one more quarter to go...then graduation. the realization scared the hell out of me. but then again, i've been scared all year. i've been scared because i've been working so hard for something i'm not even sure about.

i need a little comfort. i need some guidance.

in a way, i wish i were ten years old again, when things were so much easier. when my mother would take care of me. when my future seemed so secure. when what i lived for were summer vacations, filled with playing in the park, running in the sprinklers, and sipping lemonade in the backyard.

and now i'm fearing this summer...when i leave college.

sometimes i build up this excitement in myself. think to myself...gee, when i get my job, i'll have this fancy apartment in yuppieville, and then i'll get a bad ass car, and then i'll be this cool, independant career woman.

but then i think again, am i really ready for that???

despite all the stuff in life i've experienced, all the independance i've shown, all the hard work i've done...despite my parents' pride that i've become a "grown woman"...

i don't think i've grown up yet. and i don't want to grow up yet.

oh well, gotta work on my next paper.