The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Jesus is coming - everyone look busy.
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
How can I be overdrawn? I still have checks!
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.
Lord save me from your followers.
God must love stupid people. He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Beam me up Scotty. There are no virgins left.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Sex on television can't hurt you - unless you fall off.
...and last, but certainly not least:
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Ladies.....
     If you think you're fat, you probably are . Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it! No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes.What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Check your oil. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach is a fruit, not a color. If it itches, it will be scratched. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful word in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which,just its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

     Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings	"How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud	"I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation	"Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble	"I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression	"FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust	"Fuck me."
7. Confusion	"What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty	"I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair	"Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure	"I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure	"What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost	"Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief	"UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation	"Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial	"I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity	"I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy	"Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings	"How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion	"Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic	"Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions	"Fuck off."
22. Disbelief	"How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?"	Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"	General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"	Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."	John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"	Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."	Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."	Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?"	Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."	Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"	Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"	Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"	Michelangelo
"Fuck a duck."	Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"	Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"	Noah
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."	Joan of Arc
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."	John F. Kennedy
"My boobs are fucking real!"	Britney Spears

And if you find any of this offensive, well, don't come back.