Quotes on God, Religion, Heaven, Hell, and All That Business
"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife." -Douglas Adams
"Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy." -Ambrose Bierce
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse. ~Isaac Asimov
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. ~Voltaire (1694-1778) , on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
If God created us in His image we have certainly returned the compliment.~Voltaire (1694-1778)
To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. ~Aldous Huxley
"Solitude is the playfield of Satan." -Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire, 1962
WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. ~ Ambrose Bierce
The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists - that is why they invented hell. ~Bertrand Russell
Illusion is the dust the devil throws in the eyes of the foolish. ~Minna Thomas Antrim
Pride ruined the angels. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. ~Ambrose Bierce
In heaven all the interesting people are missing. ~Friedrich Nietzche
Satan the envious said with a sigh:Christians know more about their hell than I. ~Alfred Kreymborg
The doors of heaven and hell are adjacent and identical. ~Nikos Kazantzakis
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.~Karl Marx
childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell.~Brian Aldiss
The idea of a good society is something you do not need a religion and eternal punishment to buttress; you need religion if you are terrified of death. ~Gore Vidal
All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian, or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit. ~Thomas Paine
The Bible has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies. ~Mark Twain
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones. Ambrose Bierce
Business is religion and religion is business. ~M. Babcock
CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. ~Ambrose Bierce
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. ~Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried. ~G. K. Chesterton
Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven. ~P. J. O'Rourke
Faith is believing what you know ain't so. Mark Twain (1835-1910)
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Voltaire (1694-1778)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
Hope, like faith, is nothing if it is not courageous; it is nothing if it is not ridiculous. Thornton Wilder
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. Mark Twain (1835-1910)
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't. Jules Renard
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated His ability. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. Doug MacLeod
If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. Voltaire (1694-1778)
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
The Churches must learn humility as well as teach it. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) - St. Joan
The first clergyman was the first rascal who met the first fool. Voltaire (1694-1778)
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen (Born 1935)
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
The moral flabbiness born of the bitch-goddess SUCCESS. That -- with the squalid cash interpretation put on the word success -- is our national disease. William James (1842-1910)
Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. ~Tom Robbins
"No doubt there are other important things in life besides conflict, but there are not many other things so inevitably interesting. The very saints interest us most when we think of them as enganged in a conflict with the Devil." -Robert Lynd, The Blue Lion
"Doesn't that sound rather like tempting Providence?" "Oh surely Providence can resist temptation by this time." - Oscar Wilde
"Angels are simply extensions of truth upon the fabric of life- and there is far more dark than light." ~ Magic: The Gathering card
Religion is the idol of the mob; it adores everything it does not understand." -Frederick the Great
"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love on another." -Jonathan Swift
"I have fought the good fight, "I have run the race, "I have kept the faith." -Unknown
A long and wicked life followed by five minutes of perfect grace gets you into Heaven. An equally long life of decent living and good works followed by one outburst of taking the name of the Lord in vain-then have a heart attack at that moment and be damned for eternity. Is that the system? --Robert A. Heinlein
Every wolf 's and lion's howl / Raises from Hell a human soul. --William Blake, "Auguries of Innocence
Good day to ask deep questions. Why is it called an afterlife, when really it's an fterdeath? And why do people always talk about "going into the light", who have ad near-death experiences? Isn't that rather moth-like behavior for an ex-mammal? hat if that's really some sort of spiritual bug-zapper? --Fred Barling, "Humorscope"
Heaven doesn't want me and hell's afraid I'll take over. ~Anon.
Hell is an outrage on humanity. When you tell me that your deity made you in his image, I reply that he must have been very ugly. --Victor Hugo
Oh threats of Hell and Hopes of Paradise! One thing at least is certain - This Life flies; One thing is certain and the rest is Lies; The Flower that once has blown forever dies. --Edward Fitzgerald
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off to save money.
The light at the end of the tunnel is at the wrong end.
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.
Too black for heav'n, and yet too white for hell. --John Dryden
We were once so close to heaven, Peter came out and gave us medals declaring us the nicest of the damned. --"They Might Be Giants"
What a pity the only way to heaven is in a hearse. --Stanislaw J. Lec
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley. ~Anon.
At every step, one has to wrestle for truth; one has to surrender to it almost everything to which the heart, to which our love, our trust in life clings otherwise. That requires greatness of soul: the service of truth is the hardest service... Faith makes blessed: consequently, it lies. --Friedrich Nietzsche
A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes. --James Feibleman
A booming voice says, Wrong, cretin!, and you notice that you have turned into a pile of dust.
An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case. God has written all the books. --Samuel Butler
And God said "Let there be light" and there was light. "Hmm, pleasant effect" thought God, and flipped it off and on a few times.
And on the 8th day God said, Ok, Murphy, you're in charge!
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? --Jules Feiffer
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. --Andrew Lias
Faith is the stuff you wouldn't believe in if you were in your right mind. --Archie Bunker
