I've Changed

Happy 4th of July everyone.

 

The life we make is the life we choose. No one can't tell you what you want to be unless they are filipino haha just kidding. But I am speaking the truth and through experience. You really can't find out what you really want to do in life unless you have experienced it. It could be through something a lesson learned, through amazement and awe from what you seen or heard, maybe it could be the money, or its just your nature to be the person you are. Whatever it is you are searching as a career keep your options open, try out new things, fulfill that dream and if you LOVE what you are doing stick to it. Because thats one of the ways you are Happy with your life.

Speaking of career, love and happiness. How is that love life going? I hope whoever that person is, is making you happy. I have been waiting my whole life to find someone who will love me for my past and present. Its because of my past I try to be a better a person. Its never too late to make up for it as long as you ask God for forgiveness. And as I am waiting for love, I pray everyday for the Lord to give me a good woman. Someone I look forward to everyday coming home from work, make my stomach have butterflies everytime shes near me, understands me, patient with me, but most of all loves me unconditionally.

I just wanna love....thats all I ask for.

Update
Now Playing: Sammie - Choose Me
Its been awhile I have blogged in here. There is so much that has happened in the past couple of months. I moved out of L.A. and moved to N.Y. I was with Danica but it was better if we stayed friends, and I dont know if we are friends. So I moved out and moved to New Jersey with my cousins. I am finally working now. My job is ok but I know I can do better so I'll be going back to school for my the RN program. Money I love, but I hate the drama in there. Love life sucks. But family is good to me. So I'm in the mode of making money, going back to school and later on buying a house. Looking into CHINO in california. And later on maybe a wife and some kids. Happy Fathers Day to me!

Its not love that you are in. Its controlled and emotional abuse. His love that he has for you is manipulating. Can't see you that!
That is what you call LOVE?
If he does it continuously, and your son witnesses it when he gets older I'm afraid that he might be just like his father. But thats what you wanted, you wanted a man to MAN HANDLE YOU RIGHT?


I bet your own father would disagree with your decision in staying with him.

Theres nothing I can do at this point but wish you the best of luck. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or whatever day I hope you have a plan and keeping yourself and your son safe.

Mood:  down
Fellow brothers and sisters of the faith, What is our purpose here on earth? Is it to impress one another? To gain what we can not take with us when we Pass On? Why do we Murder? Lie, Cheat and Steal? Is it to Satisfy our Lusts? our Greed? I would rather impress GOD our FATHER so that I may gain favor in his eyes.. For his rewards in heaven last forever, yet worldly pleasures are only temporary.. Therefor sinning and being evil just isnt worth it to me... I am tired of being Proud. I am finished trying to impress others for they only reward me with their flattery.. I am done proving myself for respect.. Disrespect me all YOU want, beat me all YOU want, make me Suffer all YOU want.. Because thats the closest I will ever be to being like Christ... And in the end... After all is said and done with... I hope to still forgive YOU. For it is not YOU but the demons in YOU that have turned YOU away from our FATHER... For YOU are my brothers and sisters.. All made by GOD from dirt. I will have unconditional love for YOU ALL, till my judgment day comes. Until then, I am training my mind, my spirit through meditation, prayer and praise for God, so I can be a strong "SOLDIER of GOD". For I am at war with demons in the members of my body, the demons in my mind and basically, the demons in my life.. YOU must also fight the good fight so that YOU may be saved.. To hell with being cool and tryin to fit in.. It is one of Satans most powerful weapons especially in young ones ages 8 to 30 years old. Remember, Demons hate YOU and wanna see YOU fall. But if YOU have one ounce of love in YOU, YOU can still be saved.. Do YOU love your mom? dad? brother? sister? son? daughter? well that love is a little example of GODs everlasting LOVE.. Let us not be tempted by todays evil society. Defeat their temtations for they will come to YOU like bees on honey. Put on YOUR armor and YOUR helm and fight with the spiritual sword Jesus died to give us.. Train YOUR souls with the help of the Bible and our faith, trust and love in JESUS and our Father GOD... Be part of the third of men who will pass this testing grounds we know as EARTH. For when the time comes to see the judge. He might ask: DO YOU DESERVE ETERNAL EUPHORIA? OR ETERNAL AGONY?

My homeboy Outlaw wrote this letter when he was in jail. Hope it touches your heart because to me it did.

Sometimes you think you really know your friends, family and your loved one. Its hard trusting someone and believing them. Thats why I refuse to say I promise because the people that I really trusted and love have broken their promise or commitment with me. For instance, how would you know if your significant other is not cheating on you. How would you know if they won't ever do it again. With an instant you either take them back because you trust in her or you leave. I personally have found out the hard way. I was quick to trust my loved one and again history repeats itself. But its a life lesson learned.

When you try to help someone out and try to help them realize that there loved one is not for them, they won't listen. They deny it and give hope that they can change. We all hope for the better. Yes I was once there, and if you havent been there you'll see what I am talkin about. But I guess people want to find out on their own and see it for themselves. Thats what exactly I did and it hurt a lot. Love makes you do crazy things. You stay with that person even they cheat on you, you stay with that person even they are dominant, you stay with that person even they hit you, you stay with that person even they emotionally abuse you, you stay with that person because you had a baby together. Love is dangerous. Love is MANIPULATING.

"We all make mistakes at one point." I was cruising to a web page of a friend of mine and she was going through some rough times. I was upset over the weekend because of her. With the quote she had and the pictures she put up, I am not going to explain what had happened to her, but I felt useless. With everything I told her didnt go through her head. Dont act like you dont love him, because I know you do. Dont complain to me how lazy he is, how hes wack and everything else. I expected more from you especially after what he did to you. You know better.

I still dream and think about how theres hope for me and you. But your heart is with someone who beats the love outta you.

And so if you plan to live in southern cali, and I see you walk my way, I'll smile at you, then turn away, keep on walking and hope for the both of us to have better days.

Everytime I raise my glass, I try to drink away my past...
Now Playing: Joe - Life of the Party
I have been smiling a lot more ever since I passed my boards. I feel better and much more alive that I can do anything!! Haha ok not really but if you ever had that kind of feeling then you know what I mean. I've been partying it up lately and celebrating my accomplishment. Friday went out for sushi at Midori in Studio City and its ALL YOU CAN EAT! Had food coma when we came back home. Then chilled at Marcus' pad in Marina del Ray where he had his house right infront of the beach. Had a bonfire and alcohol of course and we spent the night there in his big ass guest room. Saturday we went to a house party for my friends 25th birthday it was fun and crowded. Hadn't gone to one in years and I like the scene better than clubbin. Different scenes are better than going to the same shit over and over and seeing the faces again and again. Sunday I took my love to the airport cuz she had to go back to the real world work. What can I say she's a lawyer and thats sexy. But i'll be going there soon again. She loves L.A. anyway so Im crossing fingers that she will move out here. My brother and Charles threw a small party for me for my new accomplishment. I was surprised who was there to celebrate this special occasion. Anyway I have a new place where I like to eat and its called "PINKBERRY" its frozen yogurt with different kinds of toppings.

Its very healthy except for some of the toppings that I love to put on. But its my favorite place to grab something cold. If you are in the neighborhood you can catch me on Vermont infront of the store or walking around in the street with a pinkberry cup.

Things are great lately and I couldnt be happier. But once in awhile you'll catch me in a glimpse of daydreaming of that one girl that keeps my heart beating.

blah
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: blah
It has been awhile. Everything has been all wrong. Before I pour out all my anger, distress, emotions etc...I would like to apologize for my profanity.

As in my last blog I mentioned that I still love Jenn. I mean what do you expect, we got together, we been together for 3 years solid and after that it fell apart, she carried my son, we were off and on. And I thought maybe this year things could happen between us again. WRONG! History repeated itself AGAIN for me. Made me a fool for getting back with her. Where the fuck did I go wrong? Its a bitch! The fucked up thing is one of my close friends were involved. Beware! You think you know who are your real true friends. It makes me sick and Im fed up with it. And every word I said to you, I meant it. Forgiveness you want from me? I wont give it to you. Understanding is what you want from me? I Understand and know what you are. I call'em how I see'em. Love is what you want from me? I cant give it to you anymore. One more chance? I gave it to you and YOU FUCKED UP! Temptation and Lust is all I see in you.

This is real crazy!I came across this link and
It predicted my LOVE AND SEX LIFE...

My love and sex life

Dream
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Ne-Yo - Because Of You
Today was my first seminar for nursing review. I wasn't surprised that my instructor was filipino but he was really cool. As for my fellow new grad VN students trying to pass the boards like me, the majority were filipino women. Overall for a first day, I expected to get more out of it since I paid $300. Felt like I was back in nursing school just sitting, listening to lecture. Met interesting people in there and all the filipino mothers were praising me for being a nurse. I expected them to give me comments such as, "Hay nako, you are so young! Thats good you choose nursing." or " You don't look like the type." And yada yada. And one of the mothers in there asked me if I was married, in a relationship, single. Then they busted out the pictures of their daughters. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing. Anyway, I didnt expect myself to end up in a career like this either. But Im glad I did though.


The other night I had a dream about her. It was weird how it started off. She was washing dishes and hugged her from behind. She turned around and said, they told me that you've changed. I said back to her, I didn't change, I've growned up. We were facing each other and I hugged her closer. I put my forehead on her forehead and I said to her, you are so beautiful. Then we kissed. It kinda felt real but then again maybe my lips were wet cuz I was probably drooling. Haha. While we were kissing, someone was honking outside. It was her mother. That was the WEIRD PART of the dream. She dragged me outside and i said to her I want to meet your mom. I walked her to the car and she introduced me to her mother and I said, nice to meet you Mrs.*** Her mother said ohh nice to finally meet you. I said, you drove all the way down here for me? She said yes.I gave her mother a hug and kiss on the cheek and I went around the passenger side and hugged and kissed her too. I said thank you so much for coming by. And that was it! It was a very random dream but I do often dream about her. I know she doesnt like me the way she used to 5 to 6 years ago. I wish that one day when we do meet, I hope it doesnt turn out to be JUST FRIENDS. Cuz I really want to work it out with her. Out of all the girls, she is the only one I would work it out.

But if you are reading this, which I highly doubt you do, why cant you say hi anymore, you always diss me when I make the effort.

Forgiveness
Sometimes I feel like the whole wieght of the world is on my shoulders, waiting for me to just break down and give up and I guess its in that time when I feel closest to the man above but I still feel like Im a failure.

Yo I erase away thinking and wondering if theres more to living,
constantly on my knees @ nite asking him for forgiveness,
wishing and praying that better times will still rise to my witness,
questioning and get this more to me than my own lame existence.
Im thankful for every friend who has remained consistent,
especially the ones who check on me with great persistence.
I try to work by myself I thought I don’t need any assistance.
And in the mist of good, Im held back by my own existence.
Locking myself away to keep from hurting any loved ones,
shackles and chains of thought, my mind now has become my dungeon.
Saw my reflection of life, and so its me I run from. Calling you stupid but its really me who is the dumb one.
Searching my heart and soul to find the answers that really see through,
wanted to see myself but mirrors always seemed to see you.
Looking for me, but when they answer, yo its like you seen who?
Startin to wonderin if the friends I have seem to be true.
Hypocrisy has got me in monotony as my friend but still the pain does not end.
The prophecies of one who sees the things that I bare as a trend,
I walk with things inside of me hoping to meet me, he who mends.
The open wounds of a soldier, who held the bullets within,
he said he die for me, so why are in the bullets with him.
Its him that we live by his grace, that’s why we are saved, that’s why its written,
and so I am nailed to my cross with lost that took me with sin,
Lord please forgive me I cant bare to hold this cross anymore,
and I know that you where the one that held much more than before.
I pray these words to you and hope that you will answer the door,
and hopefully I receive your true peace.

I erase away thinking and wondering if its all a dream,
hoping to wake up and witness a perfect window scene,
but tinted windows are harder for one to see beyond, I try to make it alright again but it came out wrong.
No longer do I speak my music tells them whats going on,
and so I hide behind the bars of each and every song,
the weakness buries me but makes me feel a little more strong,
I hate this feeling man its going off way to long. This aint a song for you to hear it, hopes of gaining your sympathy,
this is my life of music the complicated type of symphony.
Im just another G, who wants to make his life much better, than to live an obscene.