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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 7/8/09. The Search For Atlantis
XXV: We Are Leaving! It’s over. It’s finally over. We haven’t discovered Atlantis, what we have come across is something notable, at least there’s that. It wasn’t the lack of mermen, aliens, advanced technology that makes the iPod look like a cart with triangles for wheels or the fact that to date the death traps in this place have caused a grand total of five casualties, those being one stubbed toe, a sprained wrist, two scraped elbows and a sprained ear. No, it wasn’t any of that. What finally convinced us was a successful translation of some of that graffiti I mentioned. We thought this meant this place was a lower income area of Atlantis or some such, and we’re not entirely wrong. It turns out that this was something along the lines of a movie set, not for Atlantis, but for some later highly advanced and mysterious culture that was shooting some sort of movie about Atlantis. It’s a tad annoying to say the least. Think of it as a Victorian era style expedition setting out to find Silicon Valley and stumbling across a Star Trek or Star Wars movie set. I made the mistake of pointing that one out to our resident experts and science fiction geeks. Five days later they’re still arguing over which set would be more impressive and which set would offer concrete gains. Which is where we are, I suppose. Moneybags is almost bankrupt but even on a movie set there are opportunities and pieces of technology that could prove useful, or at least help appease creditors and backers alike. There’s something that could replace the garlic press, a device that makes a decent massage element after a stressful day and a horrific, sharp, pointy death machine looking contraption that is either an emergency surgical device or some sort of camera. Or possibly a death machine, it depends on whether these guys were working under a studio system or not. There is some debate as to how much longer we’ll linger, though I expect we’ll leave within the next few months. We’ve been all but abandoned by financial backers, suppliers and Chinese spies, and to be perfectly honest I can’t remember who I’m working for anymore, I only know that this stopped being fun a long time ago and then started becoming interesting when I took up low level alcoholism. What we do now is strip out anything we think can be used to make a profit and then hand this whole place over to the highest bidder. The Brazilian government claims it should have ownership rights once we, the legal discoverers/salvagers have moved on, but no one takes Brazilians seriously. The Chinese have expressed an interest, but they express an interest in everything. Disney has sent out feelers but that may just be a front for the Chinese. Me, I’m going somewhere cold, wooden and filled with testosterone poisoned guys just to try to forget this experience. Russian Villainy Broadcast By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update) A recent and massive build up by the Russian military this week has stunned international observers who had thought the Russian Bear declawed. With the rise of threats from the Middle East countries such as Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan suddenly matter, while Russia falls increasingly to the side. Desperate to matter once more the Russians have decided that being the international bad guys isn’t so bad after all. Already Russia is planning to invade four smaller nations, torture cute animals and do something that involves strapping lasers on marine animals. The long forgotten Soviet Superweapon project is being reactivated, as is plans to desecrate Mount Rushmore by scribbling a moustache on Abraham Lincoln in permanent marker. Vladamir Putin himself has vowed to make Russia so feared and important that people will forget that any other nationality was ever a Bond villain. |
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