Last week's News
News article for the week of 1/13/08.
Culinary Killer Strikes Again!
The Culinary Killer has poisoned two innocent restaurant goers in another random attack. The names of the victims are being withheld pending notification of next of kin. However the poison is being disclosed in order to keep more restaurant patrons from falling victim. Organophosphate poisoning has not been commonly talked about in years, but now we’re seeing it used insidiously in the restaurant industry.
Commonly used in the rare mass suicides and in agricultural areas as pesticides, Organophosphate’s are easily detectable. First discovered in the nineteen-forties, this chemical has been considered in human vs. human warfare. Civilized populations since their beginning have frowned on Biochemical attacks. Now, we see them used in small scale actions such as this serial killer is using and the Nazi’s used during the second World War on innocent Jews.
Police are confounded by the use of these chemicals and are beginning to look into local Neo-Nazi activities in the area. Angry farmers have also been cited as one possible source for the attacks. As a precaution, some restaurants are now using synthetic substitutes for organic vegetables and meat products. Also, in some of the restaurants that have been hit by this serial killer, Diner Safety Packets are being passed out. All patrons are given a package roughly the size of a box of envelopes when they enter each establishment.
Each package contains a few of the essential items that a diner will need. Salt and Pepper; small jar’s of mustard and ketchup; paper napkins and plastic silverware. There is also a small card on which the eating establishment has printed all known poisons and their antidotes. Each waitperson has also been given a small box to carry in their apron. Each of their boxes contains vials of antidotes. In this way restaurants are trying to be more prepared for an attack.
Food critics are desperately trying to lay their hands on these packages. Reports say that they have been unsuccessful in bribing the waitstaff of local restaurants. Some say that, while the bribes of good reviews and such are very nice, they are not worthwhile enough to endanger the health and lives of their paying customers. So, for now at least, food critics will have to find other ways to protect themselves and their interests.
Emotional Outbursts Newest Nominee Tactic
By, Grey politics
Hilary Clinton had been considered a dead duck in the Presidential nominee
selection free for all after a disastrous loss in Iowa until she cried,
leading to an astounding victory that proved political pundits are as
accurate as weather forecasters, CIA WMD reports and Clucky the two toed
rooster once used by Howard Hughes to place bets on football. Clucky by
the way was a New York Knicks fan, which just goes to show how screwed
up that was.
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