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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 1/6/08. Culinary Killer Loose, Food Critics Wary Police revealed today that a recent spate of restaurant deaths in New York, Boston and Boise, all bastions of fine dining within the United States, is the result of a serial killer who is creatively poisoning meals. So far eight restaurants have been hit, two with cyanide, one with strychnine, another with Ebola, one that managed to specifically target specific allergies and the other four in the more shocking and simultaneously mundane method of utter, utter blandness. So far no more than a few dozen people at a time have died, evidence points to no more than two individuals behind these events. However the use of blandness has critics worried, as their sensitive pallets are highly vulnerable to this form of attack, making some wonder if it is they who are the targets. There has been no pattern to the attacks, thoughts that this is a terror attack or a new ploy by striking TV writers have been dismissed as it is far too complicated for writers and what do terrorists know about food anyway? Besides which both factions are ruthless enough to target fast food outlets rather than individual restaurants. Of course this heightens the critics belief that they are the ones being targeted. Sadly there are no end of foes for the average food critic. From chefs to owners to Ronald McDonald on one of his darker days all would be willing to kill a few bystanders to get at the food critics. While the authorities continue to follow leads the critics themselves are taking precautionary steps, leading to warnings about vigilante actions. So far British celebrity chefs Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey have been placed under armed guard, the latter because he is possibly the angriest man in culinary circles and most likely to take some sort of violent action against his second deadliest foes in the industry after his own staff, and the former because he’s a complete prat but successful enough that he may well be more cunning that his blatant lack of guile indicates. Food critics are also keeping an eye on Rupert Murdoch, self appointed enemy of taste and free thought, believing he may have taken his war against the world to a new theatre, similar to how he took out hated nemesis Anna Nichol Smith and now works to take down Britney Spears. There is a distinct lack of sympathy towards food critics, they have few allies owing to their picky nature, even their mothers are wary of feeding them for fear of what one blisteringly bad review may do to their chances of hosting a Thanksgiving Dinner, let alone a Christmas meal. For now the critics fear for their lives, barely venturing out except to harangue soft targets such as cafes and coffee shops, while the eating public wanders about in confusion, unsure of where to eat next. |
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