ME BEING ME:

    When asked how I viewed myself from certain family members I freaked. They wanted to know why I abuse myself as I do. Why I allowed myself to starve at times and others to binge. My answer didn't come straight out. It muddled in my mind, and confused even me for several moments. Why did I?
    The answer is quite clear now to me, and maybe someday I'll share it with them. For now, *smirks* you will have to do. For I know you cannot show up at my house and ridicule me in my face, with my family present or anyone else.
    It took me a long time to finally get to the point where I no longer really cared what others thought of me. I wear baggy men's clothing and shoes, sunglasses all the time, a lot of wrist jewelry, I sport 3 earrings in each ear, an earcuff in my right, and a silver celtic cross around my neck. My hair is naturally golden blonde, I have a rat-tail that is dyed black, and a section off the left side of my head that's black and longer than the rest of my hair; but shorter than my rat-tail. If you cannot tell by the way that I look, then you will be able to tell how I act, that I just don't care what others think. I'm comfortable, and your opinions don't matter that much to me.
    Not to mean that your opinions aren't important, please don't misunderstand me, but they aren't enough to make me change myself to fit your mould that you want me to fill. I'm not like that, and I'm not going to conform. I wouldn't even try to. Cynical as that may be, that is how I am.
    But enough of that babbling, I know why I did as I did and think as I do now about my physical appearance. In my mind I see myself only being worthy of something if I was just a bit more thinner, if my waist was 26 inches instead of 28, and if I weighed ten-twenty pounds lighter. I feel as if everyone is capable of looking at me, seeing beneath the baggy clothes and finding this person who is fat and so damn unworthy of anything and everything. And that's what angers me. It's what makes me hurt. It's what keeps me up late at night, early in the mornings, and away from as many meals as possible.
    I hope no one will take what I have said here to use as their own defense either, but as a lesson not to learn personally. For I have taken myself and destroyed my body and poisoned my mind with self-loathing and hatred. My days are full of worry and contempt, and I know my family does not and cannot completely understand why. And it hurts more knowing I'm causing this pain, and this forever unseen wedge between the people I love and myself.