I wrote this piece about my bisexuality in the summer of 1998 at a writing camp. Enjoy.
In the summer of 1997, when I was 13 years old, I discovered something new about myself. Through a lot of confusion and mixed feelings, I finally understood. I am bisexual.
Wow, who would've ever thought? Things just suddenly started to make sense. A feeling of relief came over me, yet I still felt fear. Why be scared, the world is more liberal, isn't it?
When you discover something new, you don't want to keep it all bottled up. It's like you want to run down the street screaming it. I wasn't about to do that, but I knew I needed to tell someone. My parents were definitely not the people, something so personal they shouldn't hear first. In fact no one in my family would understand, two of my grandparents are homophobic, and the other one would be confused. I then thought about my friends. The only people I talked to that summer were Catie, Rachael, and Nicole. Catie was away at camp, and if she wasn't she probably wouldn't be the one. I pretty much figured Rachael was not the one to tell, especially about important personal stuff. I guess it has to be Nicole.
What can I say about Nicole. She can be a nice, understanding person on occasion, but then she can be a real bitch sometimes. One afternoon, I was talking on the phone with her. Through the whole conversation, I was thinking how I wanted to tell her, but I didn't know exactly how to say it. I mean, how do you say something like that; "I ate a bowl of cereal this morning, and by the way I'm bisexual..." Suddenly during an uncomfortable silence, I blurted it out, "I am bisexual." She was pretty cool about it, it's not like she freaked out or anything. She wasn't comforting, but what do you expect. The thing is I felt good, I had just told someone my biggest secret in the world.
When I went off to boarding school, I wasn't sure if I would come out there. I knew people were nice, and that it is a Quaker school, but I didn't know how open-minded they were. I got there and discovered how open-minded they really were. I had met some other bisexual people and came out to them, and then suddenly everyone knew. I didn't mind, I felt happy to finally be myself.
I spent my first year at Westtown as a practicing bisexual, and this earned me my first girlfriend. She was a prefect on my floor and a very friendly person. We knew about each other sexuality, it wasn't a secret. We also knew that we liked each other before anything happened. One day, we were eating lunch in her room; I was having Spaghettios and so was she. Then something happened, we kissed, and this wasn't just a peck. It was new and interesting, and I liked it. We spent our nights and lunch periods together, talking and fooling around. The relationship didn't last long though, we sorted of drifted apart to the point where we practically weren't talking to each other at all. After the relationship, I got mono and she tried to kill herself. She had to get her stomach pumped and was out of school for awhile. Eventually, after she came back to school from her suspension, our friendship was rekindled.
When I went home on a break from school, I found out something that made me really mad. I was talking on the phone with my friend Rachael, and she told me something about Nicole that furiated me. The last thing I thought she'd do, she did. She told everyone in my class, which turned into everyone in my school, about my little secret. When I heard what she had done, I felt betrayed, hurt, alone, and relieved. My feeling of relief came from knowing everyone knew, and knowing that I wouldn't have to come out to them myself. I was still pissed at Nicole though Her and I don't talk very much anymore, either she doesn't call or don't, but oh well.
There are some places where I feel I can't be my true self. I think that it is sad that people aren't accepting of other people for minuscule reasons which may not be the root of who they are. A wish I have is for people to be more open to new things.
LiNkS
The Advocate Internet - a Gay and Lesbian Magazine Online
Amazon Online-Resources for Lesbian and Bisexual Womyn
BiNet USA - 'working for the rights of Bisexuals all over America'
