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So after six months, it hit me. A huge 18-wheeler, sitting on my chest. I can't breathe, can't move, can't think.
Everything is moving in slow motion. This 18-wheeler of depression. I'm now another statistic. One of the millions of others. All fighting the same battle that we can't seem to win. I'm
divorced. A single mom trying to determine the difference between my life and my duty. My goals and dreams and my obligations. Me and my kids. Where is the line between me as a mom and just me as
me. Is there a line? People ask me who I am and what I do. My answer is always the same. "I'm a mom of the two most beautiful girls in the whole world." I'm what I always wanted to
be! I'm a mommy damnit! The only thing in my life I've done right, so far anyways. But, I'm more. I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt. I'm a victim of child abuse and rape. I'm a
student. A poet and a friend. An athlete, a survivor. There are some things I'm not. I'm not a drug user or a murderer or a thief. I'm not a child abuser or adulterer. I'm not a
scholar or straight A student. I'm not an artist or musician. But even after all that I'm still more. I just wish I knew what that "more" was. |
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Ending It It would be so easy
To draw a vertical line
With a glistening metal pen
To tear the flesh
And let it all pour out It would be so easy
To swallow down a hundred
Sweet filled caplets
To go to sleep and never rise It would be so easy
To climb high
And try to fly
To land like a puzzle on a table It would be so easy
To pierce these thoughts
Drop to the ground
With a tool in hand It would be so great
To go to sleep in all black
And to wake in all white
It would be so easy
And so perfect hhc© |
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Want To Know You want to know what it's like to be me
You want to understand how I feel
You say that you want to
feel and go thru what I do
Do you feel my fear
My fear of just about everything
Do you feel my hate
That grows deeper each day
Do you feel my abused heart
That once loved everything
Do you feel my loneliness
Which only has one cure
Do you feel my frustration
Feel my sorrow
For the one's I've lost along the way
Feel my soul shatter
Like the glass you just broke
Feel this agony
The agony I feel everyday
Feel this nothingness
Realizing that's all I'll ever be ... nothing
Feel my weakness
Then hear how everything tells you that you're strong
After trying to kill yourself several times
See what it feels like to pretend
To pretend that you're ok, when you're dying inside
See what it feels like to be pitied
Whether it be self-pity or
from the people who call you "friend"
To dream of things
That will never happen to you
See what it's like to rarely have feelings for someone
Then open yourself to them, only to get hurt
See what it's like to have a body that's been used and abused
Look at my flashbacks
Still want to feel like me
Look at my scars
Still want to love me
Look at my past
Still wish you
could take my pain and make it yours
Look into my eyes
And try to tell me that you don't see my emptiness
Look, watch me crumble
Still wishing to know how I feel
I am beginning to only feel
for what I'm not afraid of
And that would be death itself. hhc© |
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Kid Fears Curled up in bed, hiding from the world
Not wanting to hear those loud footsteps in the hall
Footsteps that mean pain and fear Dreams of blackness and hate
Waking up scared to death
Realizing that the nightmares are true
Too scared to move, he'll come back Thoughts of suicide and death
Whirling in her mind like a tornado
Wanting to get out, to stop this terrible life Feeling hopeless and alone
She turns to other means of comfort
Booze, drugs, and knives…
The only things holding her together This isn't life for an eight year old child
This life of pain, fear, hurt and hate
A life that she will live in forever hhc© |
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Silent Pain My pain is silent because no one wants to hear it I am alone
because no one what to share it. I will die, because no one wants to help it go away hhc© |
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Voices in my head
There are voices in my head No one really cares, they say
Never have.....
Never will.....
So, no point in going onVoices in my head
There are voices in my head Get your gun, they say
Pull the trigger.....
It won't hurt.....
Just end the pain and fear forever
Voiced in my head
There are voices in my head GO AWAY VOICES
I yell into the night
GO AWAY
But they don't listen Voices in my head
There are voices in my head Won't someone help me
Stop these voices in my head
But no one comes
No one helps Voices in my head
There are voices in my head So, I sit here
Alone
Listening to these voices
These voices in my head hhc© |
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Dead I am suffering from starvation
keeping everything away from me
the hurt is pumping through my veins
the cold chambers beating with a frozen thud
I close my eyes to gain control
fury fills every pore
a wave of unconsciousness knocks me down
laying helplessly on the shore
I hear the voices
they take over my thoughts
the confusion rattles and
ideas are shifted from right to wrong
the difference can't be determined
I need to terminate the aching pain
-- slash vertically
feel the warmth dripping down
my hate dissappears with every drop
slowly I heal
I am deadby Rachel
hhc© |
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Dancing Demons Whisper to my tortured soul
Embrace my heart in a comforting hold
Wipe away the tears of past
Release me from my memory's grasp Deep in shadows descended from pain
Haunted by demons who won't go away
Winding paths through the depths of my mind
Tortured by creatures forgotten by time Whispering tendrils of time draw near
Exposing my deep and inner most fears
Of love, betrayal, and twisting emotions
A hint of pain at any devotion Tears fill the eyes of the child within
Waves of pain, like the tide, roll in
Demons dancing in the shadows of night
Under rippling skies of eerie light Gathering mists so dreary and cold
Hiding the child within my soul
The child whose eyes are ancient and weary
Who has seen too much ever so clearly
Her cries go unheard, they echo through time
Nobody cares, nobody minds
All alone in sadness and pain
Except for the demons, determined to stay How could the world treat a little child so
How could they be so cruel and cold
Why cause such pain to an innocent soul
How could you hurt me and pretend you don't know Haven't I cried enough tears through my life
Haven't I suffered enough of the strife
Can't you please surrender my soul
Let me heal the pain that I hold Release me from this life I lead
Listen to my many please
Let my soul be free to soar
Dancing demons, dance no more. hhc© |
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Mommy Hear Me Calling Thee? Mommy hear me calling thee
Tell me when I will be free
Of thie horror in my brain
Tell me when I'll feel no more painMommy hear me calling thee
Hope that you can get me free
Daddy's crawling in my bed
How I wish that I was dead
Mommy hear me calling thee
Tell me how that this could be
Now I've got a brand new pearl
'Cause I was Dad's special girl. Mommy hear me calling thee
I wish that this could never be
I was only six years old
Only did what I was toldMommy hear me calling thee
Tell me when will I be free
Caught up in a childhood hell
'Cause I said tht I would not tell Mommy hear me calling thee
Hope that you can get me free
Can't you hear my slent screams
Are things as bad as they may seem Mommy hear me calling thee
Thought that thngs were plain to see
Those troubled times have gone away
But the memories are here to stay Mommy hear me calling thee
Mabe one day you will see
Because of this I have no pride
I think of trying suicide Mommy hear me calling thee
Won't you try to rescue me
Do you believe what I have said
As the bullet strikes my head Mommy hear me calling thee
No one heard my final plea
Leave this poem upon my grave
Hope that someone might be saved
Mommy hear me calling thee
Only death has set me free
When you promise not to tell
It will send you straight to hell Mommy hear me calling thee
Please don't shed a tear for me hhc© |
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But now I find that
I'm trapped by
Your fears, your insecurities,
And nothing I can say or do
Will ever be good enough for you
- Regretfully. I've catered to your every concern
About your family.
Your fears have been stress,
My needs suppressed,
What more can you expect from me
-- Indefinitely? No threat have I been at any time,
Nor will I ever be.
Having to force my way
Into your life
Is too demeaning to me
- Utterly. The past is gone
And cannot be changed;
I forgave it years ago.
Your rejection now
Is what hurts me so
- Intensively. A "perfect" child I became,
No trouble was there from me;
Just shy, withdrawn, and scared of life,
A wall I built around myself,
My heart I put upon a shelf
- Stoically. As I grew and lived my life
Each success would be
Accompanied by this heartfelt plea,
"Please be proud of me"
Whispered very
- Silently. After years of trying to pretend
It didn't matter to me,
I finally faced reality
Of needing to know
About my past so
- Desperately. Each time you hurt me,
I pushed it aside,
Not wanting to feel or think;
Trying so hard to forget about
The crying child inside
- Determinedly. hhc© |
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I'm struggling to find the words to say
What's inside of my heart today
You want to know but you don't ask
So I hide it all behind this maskI know broken hearts don't always mend
And I'm not always real, sometimes I pretend
I know I'm always honest and never lie
And sometimes all I can do is cry There is so much love that I feel within
And so much pain but I hold it in
My angel isn't here anymore, he's long gone
And he was the only one who made me strong
My life is a mess and I'm falling apart
And I live in a world that is so dark
My smiles fade quickly, they never stay
And when someone gets close I push them away You don't see me as I fall to the ground
You try to listen but I don't make a sound
I'm not perfect I make many mistakes
And I fall to pieces when my heart breaks I really have so many things to say
But I'm too scared of being pushed away
I hurt so much but there are no more tears
And nobody can protect me from my fears I'm so lost and there's nowhere I belong
I'm so weak and I don't feel strong
I don't know if I have the ability to ever heal
But I just can't stand the pain that I feel I hate myself inside and out
And in my heart I scream and shout
I try so hard but never seem to win
And these are some of the things I'm holding in |
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Innocence Lost The gentle waves of the incoming tide
Slowly wash over the sandy beach
Covering it with a calmness
As the cold salty water recedes into the dark ocean
It takes with it the pebbles and shells that covered the soft sand
I watch in envy wishing I could be the sand and have those waters
wash over me and remove all of my past and leave me bare and innocent once more. |
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MisunderstoodSlicing and dicing, she cuts deeper and deeper
Seeing just one drop of blood will make her happy
Crying and shaking, she raises the knife
Wishing for the courage to take her own life
Pushing harder on the blade
She often just sits and wonders why
Why are people so selfish and hating
Nobody knows the pain she suffers through
She just wants love why don't they understand this
Nobody says I love you or asks her how she is doing
Wanting love more than anything in the world
Wanting to feel pretty once in a while
Crying and trying to die once again
All she really needs is one caring friend
Depressed all the time for reasons unknown to herself
Wishing all the pain would just go disappear
Trying to be happy and funny is hard for her
Even when doing things she once did enjoy
No courage to actually kill herself
Just cutting makes her feel better
Wishing she could die, not knowing why
Just wanting love and companionship
Crying and shaking she raises the knife
Wishing for the courage to take her own life |
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My Life As I sit alone
With a world full of hate
I try to change my life
But realize it's too lateI try to cry
But there is no tear drop
Just the bitter scars
From the bottom of my body to the top What can I do
I have no self respect
The people in my life
That I loved have left What is wrong with me?
I can't figure it out
Why was I put here?
What is life really about? hhc© |
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Dying living a life
I never wanted to own
lost in a world
where they left me alone
crying for love
in the midst of black
I'm fleeing this world
and not coming back
escaping existence
where love denotes pain
full of the question
"am I insane?"
yearning to please
so others accept
deep hidden secrets
within that I kept
no one understands
the person I've hid
not as an adult
nor as a kid
my entire life
I've fought to get by
now I am done
with no courage to try
I would like to believe
that I touched a life
but it cost too much
and I've paid the price
my heart is tired
and can't bear to break
or endure the pain
it's predestined to take
so alone I prepare
for the journey to come
the decision is mine
not agreed with by some
I invite then now
to try on my shoes
and facing these odds
what would they do
never finding peace
or a place to belong
not a hand to hold onto
when right even feels wrong
no shoulder to lean on
or a friend to love
never knowing
or trusting
a God up above
believing I'm evil
that I kill those who care
feeling to empty
having nothing to share
entrapped in a body
I've always wanted to shed
sleeping alone
yet with a man in my bed
memories of a child
full of anger and fear
having a mother
who refused to get near
never being touched
unless to cause hurt
crying for love
as I was cast to the dirt
growing up in a world
so foreign and new
not knowing the rules
of what I should do
I had found a friend
but I push them away
which taught me a lesson
no one will stay
the cycle has swung
full circle to here
I won't ride again
the pain I can't bear
the answer I've chosen
may not be right
but the war is over
and so is the fight hhc© |
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