Breathe

Elf

The wind plays softly upon my face, teasing my eyes and playing with my hair. I smell of the salty scent that’s heavy in the air. If I open my eyes I can see the cold reflection of the pale, white moon shimmering on the water, the ripples caused by the wind breaking it apart. I feel like I’m above all that, like an angel watching down upon the earth. I spread my hands and let the salty wind glide past my open fingers and get caught in my long coat. It flaps in the wind, tickling my legs as it brushes against them. I close my eyes and tilt my head towards the heavens. The salty smell fills me and I can taste it in my mouth. I have never felt so alive, it seems.

Ironic.

I breathe in and out, inhaling the scent of the ocean and my eyes part if only for a little while to get a glimpse of the lonely reflection, shimmering peacefully in the darkness of the night, being the only light on this desolate place. It’s beautiful. A haunting memory, it seems.

The white light reminds me of her hair. A light, light blond. Her eyes? I don’t remember her eyes. Just her hair…her eyes were always filled with such confusing emotion that I never wanted to look in them. I get a chill just thinking about her. Her image has faded in my mind…all except her hair. Her name is fading rapidly from my memory, also. I have to dig deep to remember it…Midii Une. …Yes, that’s her. For a while, she was the only friend I had. I don’t regret ever meeting her, but I do regret that I had not made the right decision. It held subtle consequence, but at the time it just seemed like the right thing. I don’t regret failing to tell her my true feelings – there would have been little to tell, but I do regret not killing her when I had the chance. I wish I had done that so she wouldn’t remain in my mind as a distant hope that maybe I’ll see her again. It seems so strange. She’s the reason my family, at that time, was destroyed. …And yet I still want to see her at times.

There are many people I want to see again. I actually did see him again. Unfortunately, we didn’t have time to catch up or anything. …I regret that I didn’t try hard enough to get him to stay a little longer. …We were both lonely, like the reflection in the water, shimmering all by itself. I’ll never forget Ralph Kurt…I had loved him without realizing it. When we first met, I had envied him. He had an enemy to hate, people to love…while I was empty…just a machine of war. He could love…but at that time, I couldn’t. He was older than me by several years, but that didn’t matter. It was fate that brought us together, I’m sure. He finally came back after the first Eve War…for me. He wanted Heavyarms…but he wanted to see me, too. He said he was touched that I had remembered him. How could I forget, although he was just a fading memory lingering in my mind? When I saw him, feelings stirred up. I didn’t want to fight him; I didn’t want to be his enemy. I wanted to love him. I never told him that, though. I’m sure I would have been rebuked…he had Chris…a childhood friend long before me. There was no room for me…and I couldn’t breathe. I was cold to him…I never meant to be. It was my passionate warmth for him that I had no idea what to do with. It didn’t matter anyway…he had Chris and he always had Chris…not me. She was there before I was so it is, by her right, only fair that she get to keep him rather than compete with me. It would have been embarrassing, anyway, for any of them to know I was in love with Ralph Kurt.

The image of him and Heero Yuy often interchange. Over the years, they’ve become hard to distinguish. Dark hair…dark eyes…beautiful…. I first met Heero so long ago on the battlefield – where emotions are at their peak. It seems like such a blur how fast everything’s gone. He had always understood me and I him. We always seemed to be on the right page as we thought similarly. The only difference in our thought processes was that he was trained to think like that while I had adapted and become the perfect soldier at a young age. I had always admired him from the start. I only started loving him after the wars were over. In a place where major battles cease to exist, he had tried to adapt but we are, it seems, redundant soldiers whose souls lie upon the battlefields…we have no use in peacetime. It seemed his only use was to protect the princess. Such a noble job. I had always loved him from afar…only rarely dreaming to call him up and confess everything…but that would only ruin things. He had someone else…Duo and Relena…with two people…there was no room for me.

There was room for me, but I didn’t want to take that room with Quatre…. We were always the best of friends during the wars…sticking together to survive. It was then I actually learned a little about how to love. I loved Quatre…but I always had haunting memories of other loves lost. We had made love for the first time after the end of the first war…but it wasn’t satisfying for me…. I just couldn’t focus on him and I didn’t want it to be like this…. I just wanted someone to love…not a complicated relationship like he wanted…. I had other things on my mind…it never occurred to me that Quatre wouldn’t always be there for me. He had such a high social status that grew when he became a key factor in peace. I worked in the circus and had a questionable background while he was from the prestigious Winner family. His image was everything…he couldn’t tarnish that by being with me. He made it seem like I would ruin everything. There was no room for me on his social ladder.

She gave me love without a complicated relationship. I had, since a small child, been drawn to the circus. It was finally my chance to fulfill my longing and join it…and I found her. It was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Catherine…Catherine Bloom. Shall I be killed on the spot the second I forget her name and who she is. The most important person in my life…it became clear to me after a while that I loved her in a sense that I had loved no others. We had a bond…a connection. She was like…a sister. I loved her dearly. She provided me with everything I needed…love, shelter, company…all I wanted and everything more…nothing less. It seemed there was always room for me in her life.

Like many others, she had always perplexed me at times. Wu Fei was quite talented at doing that to me. He was so cryptic at times…so bold, so noble…vaguely mysterious…subtly royal. He was the ultimate dream guy for me. We had been friends for a while…I had never confessed my true feelings for anyone except Quatre…and that gave me good experiences. I told Wu Fei I was in love with him during the second Eve War when we were both on Mariemaia’s side. He didn’t accept me, but he didn’t reject me, either. He told me something that chilled me and struck my heart with a bolt. There was no room for me. His heart was full…I wasn’t the first to confess my love for him, either…there was Duo…and first come first serve. I was angry…for the first time, being angry with a trivial subject…what did it matter to the universe if Wu Fei loved me or not? So I drifted along…thinking of past loves…ignoring present ones…and trying not to think about future ones.

The night air is cold and chills me to the bone…the damp, salty breeze getting to me. I shiver slightly…but I warm up when I think of her. It’s strange, really, that I get warm when I think of her. She always had a cold exterior…but a warm heart. She loved me, always. I suppose I was lucky to be the other object of her affections. I can feel her warm kisses against my lips, her hands running through my hair…but that’s just the night air kissing me and wind playing in my hair. She was a woman of many personalities…. Colonel Une, Lady Une, Preventer Une…she was still the same, warm woman towards me. I’ve been told that she was a real witch to others…but I can never believe that…she was always so sweet to me…. Une was perfect…just perfect and I would go back to her now…if only….

It was him. It’s still him. It will continue to be him. My eyes open and I look up at the moon, floating lonely in the sky. I smile mirthlessly and think of how strange it was…that she and I admired the same man. Treize Khushrenada…I would never admit my admiration towards him. He was always so noble…and romantic. He became my dream…. I was taken away from him by the realization that there was simply no room for me. He admired Lady Une so and she adored him endlessly…I coming in a close second…. Not to mention Wu Fei…it was something we would never admit…that we loved Treize…so noble and elegant…. He wanted everything to be elegant which I admired…I adored it. …Which is why…although he’s gone…there’s simply no room for me to breathe with Une. Her heart isn’t completely devoted to me…there will always be him.

Elegance…I admired that…honesty…faith…I loved them all. She was strong, elegant, honest, and had intense faith…. I feel sheepish thinking of her…it was never my right to think of her like that anyway…. There was simply no room for me...no room to breathe. She was Heero’s…I feel like an idiot for dreaming…but her ideals were so attractive, though I was never attracted much to her personality…. Relena…an impossible dream…I loved her ideals only. They were a dream…and I could identify with dreams….

She had great dreams…Hilde and Duo. She was always so imaginative…and had a slight crush on me…. I don’t regret failing to return her adoration but I wouldn’t trade that smile she gave me for anything. Duo had secretly confided in me that his friend had a crush on me…he sounded jealous, if only a little, when he said it. Someone actually adored me instead of the other way around. I was flattered and thrilled…but he put a damper on my happiness…. It was always him…and my guilt got the best of me. What chance do I have with being with Hilde? Duo was in love with her…and you can’t stand in the way of love, I know that…I’m suffocating…just no room for me.

It’s best to ignore the present…that you don’t get hurt…and thrive on the good times in the past. During the time with Mariemaia, I was constantly reminded of Trowa Barton…the real one…not me. I met him while I was a mechanic working on Doktor S’s machine. The cold air brushes against my cheek and reminds me of his touch…cold but soothing. He had taken a particular liking to me…he had actually loved me. I wasn’t too fond of him, what, with his vainness and arrogance…but he was all I had. …He holds a special place in my heart, no matter what anyone else thinks of him. I myself didn’t think too highly of him…but he was still the man I lost my virginity to. I feel my cheeks grow warm just thinking of him. I was a first timer…there was rarely anything else to do…. Again, there’s that mirthless smile upon my lips. I saw the man I love die…but felt little…and felt next to nothing as I took his name….

I suppose it’s sort of like raping someone….

Anyway…aside from Une and Quatre…I had felt no real love towards someone. It was ironic…that I should fall in love with the one who stole so many loves away from me before…or rather, he fell in love with me. Hell, it was mutual…and produced the most fulfilling years of my life. I have no idea how it happened…I have an idea, though; it was because we had loved everyone else besides each other. I personally thought Duo a slut and Duo thought me an emotionless bastard. We surprised each other…. Duo was a sensitive and extremely loving person…he found out I was affectionate and caring…things I didn’t know about myself until he came along. My neck heats up as I remember the kisses he used to give me there…my whole body seems like it’s on fire…the many nights we spent together. Catherine liked him, and that was one of the most important things, right? I sigh ruefully. I loved him with my heart and soul…but what, wasn’t I interesting enough? …He wanted new things…new people…meaning he didn’t want me. I wasn’t good enough anymore.

He would have done better picking my heart up and smashing it on the floor.

The tear that rolls down my cheek stings with the coldness of the night air…the ocean looks like a blur with the lonely reflection shimmering in the water. I loved him more than anything. I love him even now.

"I love you," I whisper into the darkness, praying the wind might carry it off to him…that he might come back to me…hold me…kiss me…love me….

…I didn’t want anything to do with him after he broke my heart like that…and I refused to love anyone anymore…it hurt so much. He still wanted to be friends…but…no. I couldn’t remain being friends with him. I couldn’t. I just had to get away from all of them. There was just no room for me anymore – I couldn’t breathe. Catherine became the focus of my life…the highlight. She frequently dated other guys…I didn’t like that. They were never any good for her…she doesn’t deserve to be hurt like that. When she was I was angry with them…sorrowful for her…and just wanted her to stay with me…to not be involved with the harshness of the outside world.

She hated me for that. I suffocated her…she couldn’t breathe. This last boyfriend…it was the last straw for her, I guess. Catherine told me to leave…just leave…. She had no room for me anymore.

…And so I’m here…gazing at the shimmering reflection of the lonely moon…cast upon the ocean…so far down below…. I glance down from the cliff…the water seems so far away. I spread my arms again, the wind gliding past my open fingers, toying with my coat…making it tickle the backs of my legs. The irony is that I love every second of my trivial existence right now…gazing at the ocean with the wind wrapping around me…embracing me in a hug…it plays upon my lips…kissing softly.

For one who just wants love, there’s no room for me in this world. I’m suffocating in it…I can’t breathe. I look up at the moon, longing to breathe again.

I won’t be missed, so I don’t have to worry about that. Catherine wants me gone, I wasn’t good enough for Duo…they won’t miss me so I feel no regrets.

I spread my arms wider, breathing in heavily, smelling of the salty air and loving it. Though I breathe the air, I suffocate – not being able to breathe.

There is no room for me in this world….

I long to breathe….

And I jump.

~Owari~

Trowa: …You killed me?

Elf: You committed suicide, Trowa-bear.

Trowa: …But why?

Elf: * sighs * Weren’t you READING?

Trowa: …No.

Elf: You can’t breathe.

Trowa: …Then why don’t I get an inhaler?

Elf: …You’re ruining the mood! * cups her hand over Trowa’s mouth * Shut up!

Trowa: * muffled * …I can’t breathe….

~Written by Elf who loves the ellipsis…and that’s why she and Trowa make the PERFECT couple…. ~

[Rei-chan's Dirty Books]