You Are Not Alone
Sorceress Fantasia
Another day has gone
I’m still all alone
How could this be
You’re not here with me
Duo laid on his bed, tossing and turning. Somehow, he just couldn’t get to sleep. Again. Eventually, he sat up against the wall and sighed. ‘Looks like I’m not gonna get any sleep tonight either.’ He thought. His eyes scanned the room for anything to keep him busy before daybreak.
‘Hmm, basketball. Maybe I can just play with it a little…No, I’ll wake the others. Shinigami? Nah, I’ve been repairing it for five nights straight and there’s nothing else to fix.’
He looked around his room again. When he found nothing of interest, his mouth released yet another deep sigh. For the first time in his life, his mouth was used to do something other than talking. Sighing. The other pilots, especially Quatre, were getting worried. It was…so unlike Duo. Usually, he would just drop dead on his bed and fall asleep almost immediately. But recently, he hasn’t been able to get a really good night of sleep. They started to give him advice on how to fall asleep, and even resorted to giving him sleeping pills. Duo also tried to tire himself out by fixing Shinigami, work out a bit, and there was once he tried to pick up his books and study. However, no matter what they did, nothing seemed to work. Every morning, he still woke up with absolute tiredness. His usual big, violet eyes that sparkled with life were now reduced to thin slits, bloodshot and soulless. He *is* tired, but no matter how tired he was, sleep was far away from him.
"Oh man. Aren’t you suppose to be my closest relative, eh Sleep? Isn’t death also known as ‘eternal rest’? So why aren’t you paying me, Death, a visit?" He muttered. Finally, Duo got sick of not being able to catch some snooze. Desperate time calls for desperate measures. He had a crazy idea and it *would* ensure him some sleep, and perhaps *some* pain. But well, nothing really matters, just as long as he gets to sleep. With that thought in mind, he turned around slowly, now facing the wall. Without a word, he promptly slammed his head against the wall, hard. Soon, Duo was out cold.
In the room beside Duo’s, the blonde pilot of Sandrock jumped up at a loud ‘bang’. He asked himself. ‘What was that?’
**************
Suddenly, Duo’s eyes flew open, bolted up straight, and looked around him, as if searching for something important without knowing what it was. Instead, he saw a myriad of colors. An endless waltz of attractive roses, tulips, poppies…there were too much to name and Duo didn’t exactly know flowers that well to identify each breed. It was as if he was a puny ant, standing in the middle of an endless garden. Faintly, the sun’s golden hues touched the violet skies, sending streaks of deep scarlet and ice blue into the heavens. The cooling breeze blew into Duo’s face, causing his long chestnut bangs to flutter.
At that moment, he felt that someone was behind him. With lightning reflexes, Duo twisted around and just as he had expected, a dark silhouette was back facing him. The American pilot went into battle stance. Then, the person turned around to face him. Slowly, Duo caught sight of his face. His crisp dark straggly hair framed a familiar face with cobalt blue eyes. Heero…
Duo felt his heart skip a beat and his otherwise pale looking face flushed a scarlet red. "Heero…" He muttered softly, audible only to himself. Heero looked at him with a puzzled and confused expression. But Duo didn’t care. He just wanted to leap into Heero’s arms. And that was what he did. He dashed towards him, and tried to embrace the young Japanese pilot. However, just as he was about to hug him, Heero vanished. Into thin air, into nothingness. Duo’s eyes widened as he stared in shock, his hands grabbing nothing but air. His legs went soft and he collapsed down onto the cold hard ground. At that moment, Duo felt his world shatter. The flowers withered away and disappeared; the grassy garden was gone too, replaced by an icy cold, solid ground that had cracks. The golden sun transformed into a silvery moon. The place was bare. The only person there was Duo, who merely knelt on the ground. His eyes were dry for all his tears had left him. His mind was blank. He wanted to scream, to shout, to vent his anger, but found himself unable to do so, for his voice had also abandon him.
Suddenly, he remembered something. His voice, tears, mind…everything had left him long ago. Long ago…when he had left…
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold
Heero. He had striped him bare when he had left that day. His emotions…his love for him… His heart had broken, just as his world inside him had shattered. Shattered into a thousand pieces, never to be mended. Unless…
***************
The next morning, apart from the usual bloodshot, his eyes were also swollen. A chilling cold wind traveled down Duo’s spine and he shivered. As he got up, he remembered his nightmare. He sat on his bed quietly, hugging his knees and staring into emptiness. This had become part of his daily routine.
Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ears and says
Why? Why had he left? That day, Duo had confessed his love for the other pilot, partly from a slip of his tongue and partly because he was a little drunk. But he had felt relieved. At least he had finally told him of his true feelings. He thought he had lessened his burden. However, that night proved him wrong. On that very night of his confessions, Heero left. Duo had seen him fly off in Wing, towards the silvery moon. It was that night when Duo’s world collapsed.
***************
Heero stared off into the wilderness as he sat on a rock. The chilling wind cut into his skin but he didn’t care. The coldness and emptiness was what he needed right now. To cool his mind, to calm down. However, the cold wind did not help at all, for his heart was warm. But how could it be? He was a perfect soldier, with no emotions, feeling or whatsoever. So, he shouldn’t feel the way he was feeling now. Love-stricken. With a frustrated sigh, he held up a piece of scrap paper that he had clutched tightly in his fist and loosened his grasp. Gingerly, he unfolded it. As he read it again, he felt a wave of heart-warming sensation pass through his body. One he had never felt before… But that was before he had met that braided baka…
Somehow, his words and actions had always been able to weave through his defenses and into the deepest recesses of his heart. Heero paid attention to every single thing that loud mouth had said, whether it was just a load of rubbish or important stuff, although he had pretended that he heard none of those. Whatever he did, whether it was a frown or a smile, he never failed to notice. Heero had been watching him, carefully, not noticed by any of the other pilots, for he didn’t know how to answer them if they were to ask him what he was doing. He didn’t even know why himself. He enjoyed his company thoroughly, but he had never admitted it. And he threatened him with his ‘Omae o Korosu’ frequently so as to cover up for that. Heero desperately wanted to know why he was feeling this way towards his best friend. What was that feeling? Was it friendship? Or was it something more?
Just when he was questioning himself, that braided baka confessed. He loved him. That confession had caught Heero off guard. It had also gave him an answer to his questions. Was that feeling love? ‘Do I love him?’ He was still unsure of his own feelings. Thus, he left. He thought that he needed some time to think it through, some more time to make sure of his feelings. He held up the paper again. Its sides were torn from Heero’s repeated readings and the words scribbled on it were a little smudged, from tears. He, the perfect soldier, had cried. The paper was taken from Duo’s pocket when he was drunk that night. Heero had noticed a slip of paper in his pocket and proceeded to remove it. When he read it, his heart melted and shed a single tear. It was a poem Duo had written for him. It read:
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we’re far apart
You’re always in my heart
You are not alone
Upon reading it for the umpteen time, Heero felt a surge of warmth pass through his entire body. He sensed Duo’s presence and whipped his head up. And there, in front of him, he saw his angel. A boy clad in black, his lips curled up in the most beautiful smile, and his lively violet eyes sparkled as he gazed down at him innocently.
Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear you prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
So forever can begin
The angel held out a hand, still smiling sweetly. Heero lifted his hand hesitantly at first, but the angel’s smile assured him and he gave him his hand. As their hands touched, Heero felt a flow memories flood his mind. A flow of happy memories with Duo.
***************
*Flashback*
It was sunset.
Heero perched on a branch of a huge tree, looking somewhere faraway, as though he was looking for something that was out of his reach. The last rays of sunshine shone onto his face, his eyes glimmering... and rather…sad…
"Heero! What’s wrong?" Duo asked, as he bounced to the tree, humming a happy tune.
The Wing pilot ignored his friend, and turned his head away, eyes downcast. It was different from his normal icy cold eyes. Duo, not to be deterred, climbed up the tree as well and sat beside Heero. He placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Heero shuddered a little at his gentle touch, and resisted the raging urge to embrace the boy who was now beside him. Instead, he uttered, "Omae o korosu." He almost regretted saying that when he saw Duo’s face pale a little. He had always wanted to be nice to Duo, say something consoling, something darling, but the words would always clamp at his throat and refuse to climb out. When they did managed to get out, it was no longer what he really wanted to say. Only his ‘Omae o korosu’ death threat. The intensive training had taught him everything a soldier needed; a way with weapons and bombs, combat skills, computer hacking skills… all but one was left out. The way to express himself the way he wanted to. The way to love, and to be loved. The thing he needed most was not taught to him. It was all but a stranger, a mystery in Heero’s life.
But a slight smile, a forceful one, soon broke unto his handsome features again. "Hey! Stop death threatening me, would ya?" He joked. Heero kept mum, for he was afraid of hurting him with his blunt words again. Duo continued, "You look sad. Something’s the matter?" The Japanese pilot said nothing, and Duo got his hint, or so he thought. It was always better to leave Heero alone, rather than getting snapped at, barked at or whatnot. It hurt him sometimes. He jumped off, and landed on the ground with graceful movements. Heero wanted to call him back, and apologize for giving him the cold shoulders, but no words left his lips as he held up a hand to call Duo. He cursed himself silently for always being so harsh towards Duo when he really enjoyed his company. Just then, Duo spun around. He flashed him a genuine smile, and spoke, sincerity revealed in every word uttered, "Heero, I just want to tell you that no matter what happens, I’ll always be there for you. No matter what or how big the problem is. If you are willing to, let me share your load, your burden you carry alone on those shoulders of yours. Pour your sorrows to me and I’ll help. I promise." With that, he twisted around and ran back into their temporarily hideout.
‘I promise.’ Duo’s voice resounded in his head. Heero sat there, still shocked from Duo’s promise. But at the same time, he was absolutely touched. He felt a sting in his eyes, and swept his bangs aside with a hopeless swipe, for he had pushed the blame of his tearing to his prickling fringe. Unconsciously, he shifted his weight to the edge. At that moment, when everything seemed to be so peaceful and wonderful, Heero heard a ‘Snap!’. His heart froze, and he knew immediately what had happened, for the branch might not be able to take the extra weight Duo had applied to it and Heero’s leaning, although he hoped desperately that his prediction was incorrect. However, being the ‘Perfect Soldier’ that he is, he was seldom wrong, and this wasn’t an exception. As the branch he was sitting on gave way, Heero cursed, "DUO NO BAKA!"
Inside the hideout, Duo sneezed. ‘My ears are itching. Someone must be cursing me.’
*End of Flashback*
***************
His laughter, his sometimes irritating words and actions, his beautiful eyes, his long chestnut braid…his everything. Everything of Duo had enchanted him. Duo had made his way into his heart a long time ago and he was still there, no matter what happened. How could he have been so blind?
Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ears and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we’re far apart
You’re always in my heart
And you are not alone
He finally had an answer. He loves Duo. He loves him. And he would go to his angel now. As he left, the angel smiled at him and faded away.
***************
It was night time. Duo’s eyes sprung open and he bolted up, panting. He had a nightmare… again. They were getting more and more realistic with every passing day. And in the middle of every night, Duo would wake up in his sheets in fright. Feeling more comfortable with his breathing, he lay down on his bed once more. Even so, the haunting thought of the nightmare refused to leave him. Trembling slightly, he stifled a sob. "Heero…Where are you?" He choked. As if to answer him, his door was flung open. ‘Quatre.’ Duo concluded. The blonde boy had been checking up on him every night ever since he knocked himself out cold on that occasion, to make sure he didn’t do it again. With that thought in mind, he said, without turning to face him, "Don’t worry ‘bout me, Quatre, I’m fine. I promised you I won’t do it again, didn’t I?"
Then, a thought struck him. Quatre would never open the door this way. If it wasn’t Quatre, then who could it be? Trowa? Wufei? No, it can’t be them. They would never get so concerned over him. So…who was it? Could it be…? Duo turned over to see who the intruder was. However, the lights from the corridor blinded him instantly. He was forced to shut his eyes and he brought up a hand to shield himself from the glare. When his eyes had finally adapted to the light, he peered up. Duo saw a clear silhouette standing against the light, his cobalt blue eyes piercing through the darkness of the room. Duo stammered as he realized who it was. "He…He…He…Heero?"
Heero entered the room quietly, and shut the door gently behind him. He stood at the door for a moment, admiring Duo’s glamour. His chestnut brown locks were now lying loosely around his body, and the moonlight further enhanced its beauty as it shone down on those silky threads. Softly, Heero walked over to Duo and sat on the edge of the bed, his gaze still fixed on the charming boy. He ran his hand through those locks, then grabbed a fistful of it gently and brought it to his mouth and pressed it against his lips. The scent was heavenly and so was the touch. Duo pulled back a little, a bit shocked by the sudden gentleness of his friend. Heero seemed to have sensed this, for he spoke softly, "Don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you. Not anymore." Although it was soft, but it was heard clearly by Duo as the words sink into his mind. His heart climbed up a few notches.
Passionate cobalt blue met bright violet. Eyes are a window to the soul, and Heero was gazing into the most beautiful soul he had ever beheld. For a moment, they were both contented to just hold each other in their eyes. Suddenly, tears cascaded down Duo’s cheeks. Heero reached out a hand and lifted his head, the other hand brushing away the tears. Slowly, he leaned forward and their lips touched. The warm, soft lips sent bolts of electrifying sensation down Duo’s spine. It was just the way he had dreamt of. For what seem like hours, they broke away, gasping for air. Then, Heero gathered Duo in his arms protectively and stroked his back. Duo, still panting a little, whispered in his ears, "I love you, Heero." And he wrapped his hands around Heero.
Whisper three words and I’ll come running
And girl you know that I’ll be there
I’ll be there
"I love you too, Duo."
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we’re far apart
You’re always in my heart
You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we’re far apart
You’re always in my heart
With that, the two fell on the bed in each other's arms, with mind, body and heart together as one.
***************
Later that night, the two lay on the bed tangled together, contented. Heero’s hand was stroking Duo’s long, smooth hair as Duo snuggled closer to his lover. Then, Heero broke the silence, "Duo, will you ever stop loving me?" He was still afraid, afraid that Duo’s feelings towards him was not love, but instead, infatuation. If that were the case, Heero was sure that he’ll die. He’d hate himself for the rest of his life, having letting down his defenses against someone when he wasn’t supposed to. Duo flashed him a sincere smile, then answered, "I once dropped a tear into the ocean. The day they find it is the day I stop loving you." Heero smiled, as he pulled Duo closer and kissed him on his lips passionately. For the first time in a few weeks, Duo was not lonely anymore.
For you are not alone
@}---Owari---{@
Sorceress Fantasia @ 14th February 2000
Last revised 15th February 2000
