It's Been A While

Sorceress Fantasia

It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
Since I first saw you
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
Since I could call you

It’s been so long.

I smiled as I remembered our first encounter. You were peeking at me through those jagged bangs with your violet eyes, smiling that infuriating smile that once annoyed me to no end. I know you shot me, but that didn’t really matter. What mattered was you.

My smile wavered when I recalled just how long it was since I last called your name. I know it’s been very long, but I can’t do it. I can’t say it. Because every time I do, I lose control. I’d feel lost. I’d be… scared.

It’s been so long since I could live my life again.

But everything I can't
remember as fucked up as it
all may seem the consequences
that I've rendered I've stretched
myself beyond my means

Perhaps a little too long.

I don’t even remember where you went, or what happened to you. You must have gone to a very faraway and desolate place, because no matter what I do, I just can’t seem to find you. I’ve contacted Quatre, Trowa and even Wufei to ask them if they knew where you were. But it seemed like they didn’t. Quatre just gave me a wistful smile, and told me that he didn’t know, but all he knew was that you wouldn’t be coming back. He’s wrong, right? Why wouldn’t you come back? I’m here!

Trowa refused to say much either. He kept asking me to forget you. Why should I? I mean, you’re my best friend and partner! I would never forget you!

Wufei seemed shock that I would call him. He was even more perplexed when I asked him where you were. He just gave me a very deep frown, then finally said that there was no justice in this world. I guessed he meant that the world had dealt you an injustice. But what is it? Tell me! I want to help!

I also contacted Relena and Hirde. Relena kept her hold on the matter, and denied me of any information. Hirde was being funny when I called. She just broke down and cried when I asked her the question.

It's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted
Since I could say I love myself as well
Since I've gone and fucked things
up just like I always do

It’s been so long.

I just want to see you again. Maybe that’s because you’re some kind of drug, and that I got hooked onto it. Highly addictive. Maybe that’s it. That’s why I can’t forget you. I need to see you again. But then again, I could be wrong. Maybe the reason I can’t forget you is because you’re too beautiful. Yeah, that’s it. I’m not addicted. I’m just an admirer of aesthetic. And you’re the very essence of beauty.

I used to hate myself. For the wretched life I led, for the rotten role I played in the war. If life were a poker game, then I was dealt with the most pathetic set of cards. That’s why I hated myself. But then you came along. You taught me how to care, how to view my life from a different angle. You made me become thankful of my life. Maybe I don’t hate myself anymore.

I know you hated the stunts I always pulled. That’s why I don’t do them again. I tried doing it once after you disappeared, but Quatre and the others stopped me, saying how upset you would be if you knew. That’s why I don’t do them anymore.

It’s been so long.

But all that shit seems to
disappear when I'm with you
But everything I can't remember
as fucked up as it may seem
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again.

You know why I like to be with you? It’s because the bouts of self-guilt and self-hatred go away when you’re near. You always manage to make me feel so much better about myself. With you, I felt that I could be myself and live the childhood and teenage years I was deprived of. That’s why I like being close to you.

But where are you? I think I once knew the answer to that question, but I can’t remember. I don’t know why. The others know, but they refuse to tell me. Did I do something terrible and made you mad? Did I hit you again? Are you angry with me?

Please come back. I’m sorry.

Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away,
Just one more peaceful day

It’s so painful to even think about this. I want it to stop, but I can’t. My mind just keeps wandering back to memories of you. Please come back. Make this pain go away. Make this loneliness go away. Even for only one day. I know you can.

It's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
Since I said I'm sorry
Since I've seen the way
the candle lights your face

It’s been so long.

I don’t look at myself in the mirror anymore, because I don’t see myself. I can’t recognize the person staring back at me. The me I remembered was always strong, if only on the outside. On the inside, I knew I was always a helpless child. You knew that. You saw through my façade and helped me up. You made me strong. But I think it’s useless. The things you taught me can’t stay in me when you’re away. The person staring back at me in the mirror looked weak, both inside and outside. It’s because you’re not with me that I’ve become weak.

You hated the way I was with people. You said I was being downright rude, and that I had offended many. I know I did, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to care. But then, you insisted I learn to apologize to others. For you, I did. But like I said before, I can’t remember how since you’re gone.

Somehow, I have this vague memory of you. It’s kind of weird, because I remember seeing you lying in some wooden box. Was that bed comfortable? I think it was, because you were sleeping peacefully. I mean, *really* peaceful. You didn’t flip or turn, you didn’t mutter curses or talk in your sleep. You just had this tranquil and faraway expression. The idea of sleeping in a wooden box didn’t really appeal to me, but if you like it, then it’s okay. But I really liked the way the candles glowed. The dim lights spilled onto you face, and you looked like an angel then. You were so exquisite, looking like that.

It’s been so long.

But I can still remember
just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember as
fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me I cannot blame this on my
father he did the best he could for me

My memories of that incident were very vague. The thing I remembered most was the way your lips tasted. I know I kissed you. And you were so very sweet. But the taste was mixed with a bit of bitterness. I don’t know if that was what I tasted, or it was what I felt. Somehow, I know I wasn’t very happy that day. But I can’t remember why.

And neither can I remember anything else. Why are you sleeping in that cold thing anyway? I’m here for you. I can keep you warm. And where are you now? Come back to me. I need you.

I think someone did something to my brains. I just can’t seem to remember much about you. The memories I have of you are so limited. It must be that irritating Professor J. He must have erased my memories or something like that. But I don’t really blame him. I think he knows how agonizing it is to remember you, so he tried to help by deleting my memories. He had my interest at heart, but I don’t like it. I want to remember you.

It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been awhile since I said
I'm sorry

It’s been so long.

*****

Quatre bit his lips, hard enough to draw blood. He took a careless swipe at his eyes, but finally gave into his sorrow and started crying when Trowa pulled him close to his chest.

Trowa said nothing, but tears were also threatening to fall.

Wufei was the calmest. He turned to the doctor. "Is he going to be like this for the rest of his life?" He asked solemnly, pointing to Heero whom they could see through the window. The said boy was locked up in a small room which had only the most simple and safest objects. One bed and nothing else. The last time they had given him a glass of water, he had tried to commit suicide with the broken shards of the glass. As the others talked about him, Heero sat huddled in a tiny corner. He was quiet, and his expression faraway.

"Most probably." The pig-tailed woman sighed as she nodded her head. "I’ve tried everything I can. Counseling, medication… but nothing helps. Heero just couldn’t take it. It’s so upsetting… He did so much for the world, yet he can’t enjoy the peace he fought for. Duo too…" Sally trailed off, her voice trembling as she mentioned the braided boy. Tears fell.

"I knew Heero cared for Duo. We all did. But I never thought he would go crazy…" Trowa lamented as he absently stroked Quatre’s back.

The blonde boy took a deep breath. "We all cared for Duo. But Heero was different. He loved Duo. But he never told him. That’s why he regrets it so much. He can’t accept the fact that Duo died before he told him." Quatre leaned back onto his lover as tears overtook his calmness again.

Trowa wrapped his arms tighter around the Arabian boy as his own tears came.

Wufei looked away, his eyes closed.

Relena and Hirde held onto each other as they wept uncontrollably.

*****

"Duo… come back, Duo…"

Sorceress Fantasia @ 9^th June 2001

Revised 10^th June 2001

Author’s notes: Waa! This is the first time I’ve written a death fic! It’s also one of my fastest fic! An hour and a half! How is it? C&C are hungered for! Erm, is this too confusing to understand? Well, it’s actually very simple. Duo is died, and Heero goes crazy because he can’t accept the fact. The first part of the fanfic is written from Heero’s POV.

And this fanfic is dedicated to Deana Maxwell! Thanks for your support and the wonderful lyrics!

 

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