In My Mind's Eye
Kirei
I've heard them say love is blind.
/Lovely traces
I can sense you in everything/
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Do you know how many nights I've lied awake listening to that infernal ticking? Praying to God that you don't die, that you'll survive to haunt another day of my life. Every night consists of my troublesome thoughts, your wonderful face, and the infernal ticking. I've read stories where that could drive a man insane[1]. Heh, who knows, maybe it already has. I'm already seeing things.
Seeing things I wish was true. Wishful thinking I guess. Because I swear there are moments when I see a faint glimmer of. care?. in your eyes. I sometimes wonder if you can see it in mine, that small sheen. I realize there are moments when I just can't hide it. There are days when the risk is too great or the pain too overwhelming, and I disregard the mask for a brief flicker. It's frightening to know that there's someone out there that can break me the way you do. But you know what's even more frightening?
I want you to.
I want you to see those slips. I want you to break me in every way possible. I want you to be able to find me. I need you to realize that these are the tiny signals of a soul crying for help. I'm battered, broken, and wounded. And Heaven help me, only you possess the healing hands to mend me. You and only you can take me from this dark cell, this prison.
/The way that you move me
Takes me far away
I seek no escape/
You know, I bet the angels up in Heaven are looking down on me right now. laughing. Yep, laughin'. It must be real funny for them to see me pine for on of their own. I always was a hopeless dreamer.
/I'm dreaming through your eyes
I am wandering through your mind
I'm overtaken/
You're shifting roughly in your sleep again. I wonder what it is you dream about that can make you lash out so violently behind closed lids. Is it war? Is it love? Hmm, in my mind, I find no difference in the two. I only wish I could see your views on them, rather more on the latter. What I wouldn't give to take a trip through your mind. Only problem is, I'd never want to leave.
/By the way that you deliver me
I'm transcended/
But who am I to want these things? These things I know very well I don't deserve. So why don't I ever give up faith? Faith. it's such a precious thing in this age. If there's one thing I've learned in my years, it's to never give up faith.
/There's no place I'd rather be
Than here in Heaven/
Therefore, I stay, never leaving, never flinching, always by your side. Sadly, even if I ever did want to leave. I couldn't. It's not as if I have any other place to go. It's not as if I *want* to have any other place to go. An addict. that's what I've become. Heero, you're a drug.
/Without you I'm incomplete
It's hopeless/
So day after day, week after week, I give myself to you completely. Maybe you notice, maybe you don't. I'm content enough to just melt by you into the shadows. That's where I always feel most comfortable. in the shadows.
/Wholly devoted
I immerse myself in you
Baptize me in your love/
You're making noises again. and it worries me. Every little thing you do worries me. Do you know I make myself sick with fright every time you get hurt? Would it even make you blink if I told you that on the last mission when you were out for three days, I emptied my stomach every night? Heh, always the romantic, eh, Duo?
/'Cause drowning in the thought of you
Floods my soul/
Nevertheless, it's an irresistible force now. You occupy every waking second of my day. The conscience as well as subconscious decisions I make are based entirely on your being. Lord help me, there's an ocean of cobalt blue in my mind. and I've forgotten how to swim to shore.
/I'm taken by the things you do
God you know/
Something's wrong. you're breathing has lost that subtle rhythm that comes with sleep. Impatient, I open my eyes and flick the covers off of my body. The sharp slap of the cold air makes me involuntarily shiver. I faintly here your voice mumbling through the thickness of the bunk bed. I roll my body smoothly across the top bunk, hanging my head upside down off the edge. Out of the darkness I can still make out your ocean of blue, lost in deep contemplation and darkened with the night's shades. You're staring incoherently up at the bottom of my bed, and without even recalling telling my functions to work, I hear my voice as if in some far away moment.
"Heero?" I ask a little more worried sounding then I would like to let on. You have that effect on me. where I lose control. I don't mind anymore, I like being lost.
/It doesn't matter what I lose
I'm yours/
You slowly move your head towards the sound of my voice, as if expecting some surprise there instead of me. No doppelganger, I'm afraid. Just normal old Duo Maxwell. as normal as he can get.
"Hai, Duo?" Your rich voice fills my ears and I swear I feel like I'm gravitating down towards that melody. Just to be on the safe side, my hands grip the railing of the bunk a little tighter. It just wouldn't do to have two injured pilots crammed into one stuffy dorm room.
/I am in your hands
Under your command
Like a puppet on a string/
Unbidden, my eyebrow slightly quirks upwards as if asking silently about your condition. I know my eyes must be shining with care, but for some reason I just can't seem to restrain the immensity of the feeling right now.
Apparently, you find something a little humorous. Even in the dark I can make out the contours of a smile upon your face. The smile surprises me. Not so much because I've never seen you do it that often, but more because I know the pain you're feeling right now must be excruciating in normal human terms. To smile through all this. heh, Yuy you surprise me everyday.
"How are you feeling?"
Yes, this *would* be a stupid question if I were asking anyone else. You shake your head a little, jostling your hair around with the motion. My hands suddenly feel. itchy. Hmph. forbidden fruit, Maxwell.
"Better."
Surprise, surprise. again. Sometimes I wonder if you lie and feign things like this, your "superhuman" abilities, just to make the rest of us pilots feel obsolete. Rather, the human race, ne? It's ok, I know one part of you in there that is definitely human.
Your heart.
I take in a deep breath and sling my legs toward the edge of the bed. making sure nothing's hanging out of my black silk boxers. there's one way to make an impression, ne, Heero? Then, with as much grace as I can muster, jump softly from the top of the bed to the cold, unyielding floor. The hardwood creaks in protest as I land. I hate wooden floors. They amplify the chill on your feet. Heh. a crazy man drunken on Shakespearean quotes could compare Heero to a wooden floor[2].
Damn it, Duo. you need a fucking vacation.
Then I remember what I was thinking about earlier.
"You were mumbling in your sleep. Everything all right?"
I notice that without thinking I've cocked my head slightly to the side. Something I picked up when I was younger. Something I used to try and perfect to engorge the "innocent look" I always put on when Sister Helen caught me lying with my muddy shoes on the bed or pushing down one of the kids on the playground. It really was effective back then. Of course, almost anything makes you look cute and innocent when you're four years old, have hair longer than your body, and have the end of your braid dipped into your mouth chewing on the end. Demo. I don't think it's a trick that would work on Heero. I upright my head again.
As if being an onlooker, I see my hand reaching out for your forehead. My body functions are getting harder and harder to control around you. Someday I know I'm going to just screw up and kiss you. not really a bad thing. hmph, until afterwards when you slice my spleen in seventy ways.
My hand rests gently on your forehead, tucking your bangs out of the way so that my palm can rest fully on your skin. Your temperature is warm, but I'm sure it's nothing serious. Just antibodies doing all the dirty work.
"I'm fine. It was just a dream."
Your voice seems a little shaky tonight. Vaguely, I wonder what it was your were dreaming about.
I smile minutely (if that's possible for me) and remove my hand. and I can almost swear. as I start to take it away, your face leans into my touch. As if not wanting that fleeting feeling to leave so quickly. I really *am* seeing things now.
"I'll go get you some painkillers."
I turn to walk into the bathroom and my loose hair swishes briskly behind me. I hear something strangely resembling a. sigh?. come from your general direction, and then before I can walk away, something unmoving holds me in place.
My eyes slowly trail down my arm. There, wrapped tightly around my wrist, is a hand. Heero's hand. I stare blankly at it for almost thirty seconds before my vision swings over my shoulder and down to your face. You're staring up at me. waiting.
/I am willing to
Put my faith in you
So before the world I sing./
Slowly. hoping against hope that you don't let go of my wrist, I turn my body until it's squared off in your direction again. Your eyes have never left mine.
"Duo?"
Answer damn it, answer!
"Hai?" That didn't sound as weak as I thought it would. my vision flashes briefly down to your hand still wrapped around my wrist.
"It's ok now. Just... stay?"
I know you can see the whites of my eyes now. They have to look like saucers.
"Anou." Slow down heart- you're going to explode!
"Onegai?" Is that another smile I see? Two in one night? Grace of God.
My eyes resume normal shape. I know they're fogging over with thoughts of the closeness of this situation. Then, another thought crosses my mind... your condition.
I slowly shake my head indicating a negative.
"Heero, I don't want to hurt you..."
That smile of yours... grows full-blown.
"Then, Duo... don't say no."
I can't help it. I smile back. Heero Yuy has a sense of humor.
"Hai- hai." I toss my head in a roundabout manner. "Such a demanding patient." But believe me, I'm not complaining.
You scoot over and pull back the covers, revealing a bandaged chest and a sleek torso faintly gleaming with sweat droplets from your earlier dream.
Down boy.
Carefully, trying not to rock your body, I climb under the sheets. This is more than I could have ever hoped for... you turn on your side to face me as I turn to face you as well.
"Duo?"
"What now?" I mock annoyance, speaking through a smile.
"Tell me that story. The one about the two angels...?"[3]
"Sure, Heero." I say as I gently push you back against the bed so that you're facing up. I pull the covers up around your body... tucking you in... and begin the story.
"Once upon a time, there were two, strikingly beautiful angels."
/You consume me, you consume me
Like a burning flame running through my veins
You consume me, moving through me
Any time any place you invade my space
You consume me, you consume me/
You know, I've heard them say that love is blind.
But in my mind's eye...
...all I can see is you.
/There's no other way I can fly
It's you and I, you and I/
~Owari~
Author's Notes:
1. Ever read Edgar Allen Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart"? Ah, sound familiar now? No? Well, to make a long story short, the murderer was drawn to confession by the victim's infernal ticking heart lying underneath the floorboards.
2. Shall I compare thee to a wooden floor (summer's day)? Aw, geez. who is that needs a vacation again? <mumble, grumble, curse> What was I thinking when I wrote that???
3. I tend to refer to this story a lot. It's one I heard when I was younger and I couldn't sleep at night. My sister would often tell it to me. The short rundown is that it's about two angels that were destined to fall in love but were doomed from the beginning because of mortal wars and the Gods' cruelties and laws. If you've ever read my fanfic "You Made Me Cry", then you know I've mentioned Duo telling this story to Heero before. The story is very sad and tragic. but no fears... the angels have a happy ending. =)Oh, wow. That didn't come out as sucky as I thought it would. Send me emails!!
Duo: It was sucky to me!!! Kirei: Naniii~iii? Duo: Where's the sex?! Kirei: <eyebrow tick> You're hopeless. Heero: You can say that again. Kirei: You're hop-- <mouth is covered by Duo> Duo: G'night, everybody!
Kirei
