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Suspicious Minds




I arch off the bed, screaming, as Heero thrusts into me. He withdraws almost completely before filing me again, slamming against that sweet spot deep inside me. Pleasure scorches through my body, I *swear* I see stars. I'm so hard I ache, and Heero pumps my erection in a furious counterpoint to his thrusts. There's not enough air, I'm panting. Heero moves harder, faster, never breaking eye contact, his eyes! With every thrust he speaks to me, growling, "Now, Duo, come for me, Duo, come *now* , Duo!"

I'm so close! The feel of him, his voice, I can feel my climax building, growing, spiraling beyond my control, God! But I want to see him come, see his beautiful face break and shatter just for me. I bite my lip, the pain battling with the pleasure. Blindly I grab my braid, and throw it around his neck, pulling it tight, choking him. Now he can't breathe, I pull tighter and tighter. He's not getting enough air, and it intensifies the sensations, the pleasure. Heero begins to shudder; I pull tighter.

Heero screams my name, and I feel him pouring inside me, flooding me. His face dissolves, and it's for me, an expression only I see. It's too much; I explode, lifting off the bed, coating his hands and my stomach. I think I pass out.

Later, as we're lying tangled together, sweat stickily drying on our joined bodies, he asks why. "Love you... mine ... love you", I whisper, and we drift off to sleep.

~I'm caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Because I love you too much baby~

I slip into the house about midnight, moving quietly so I don't disturb Heero. Looks like I shouldn't have worried; there's a light on in the kitchen.

I drop my bag on the floor and take a deep breath before going in. Heero's been kinda... moody lately. Like you can tell with him. I can, though. He seems colder, and sort of hostile sometimes.

Heero's sitting at the table, a half-empty bottle of whiskey in front of him. Heero drinking? Well, mark the calendar! He raises his eyes to mine and I swear I *flinch*, they're so cold.

When he speaks, his voice is low and dangerous. "Where have you been, Duo?"

"At the movies."

"What movie, Duo?"

"Man, I *told* you! That Godzilla flick. The revival? Remember? I asked you to go, and you said you'd rather eat Wing piec---"

"I know what you *told* me, Duo. But that movie ended at 10:45. It's 12:15 now. So: Where. Have. You. Been?"

Well, I'm a little pissed now. I mean what, he's my mother? Still, it's nice to know he cares enough to worry. I sit next to him and reach for the whiskey. "Do you mind if I have some? It's bee---"

Almost faster than I can follow, his hand darts out and latches on to my braid. He yanks it, hard, and my face slams into the table. My eyes water, it hurts so much. I *know* I'm going to have a bitch of a bruise.

"Damnnit, Heero, that *hurts*! What the hell is *wrong* with you?"

Heero brings his face down to mine, and there is not one ounce of feeling in his eyes. "What's wrong with me?" he says, so forcefully he's practically spitting. "What's wrong with *me*? I'm not the one who didn't come home. I'm not the one who lied. I'm not the one fucking every pretty boy who twitches his ass at me!"

I'm speechless. Really. And that's hard to do with me. I can't *believe* he's think stuff like that about me. Finally, I manage to speak. "Don't be such an asshole, Heero. I was at the movies, that's all. I wasn't *with* anyone. And let go of me!"

I can tell he doesn't like my answer, cause he pulls even harder on my braid. My eyes fill with tears, and some drip down my face. But it's just from the pain. I'm not crying. I'm *not*.

"Don't lie to me, Duo. The movie ended almost *two hours* ago. Where were you?"

Fine. Why should I be nice, when he's acting this way? "You're right, Heero. I *did* go somewhere else. I went to the store. To get you a present. For your birthday. Because I love you, asshole." I spit as much venom into those words as he's been throwing at me. I don't see belief in his eyes, but at least he loosens the grip on my hair. I sit up quickly, freeing myself, losing a little hair in the process.

"I *know* you don't believe me, so go look. My bag's out in the hall. Check the receipt. I know you'll need to, cause I've lied to you *so* many times before- like never!"

Even *I'm* flinching at the sarcasm, but it doesn't affect Heero. The bastard *actually* goes to look! I can't *believe* this shit. I grab the whiskey and take a swig, straight from the bottle. It burns, but I'm glad. I drink some more.

Heero comes back in, holding a book, looking a little stunned. As he should. Do you know how *hard* it was, to find 'The Art of War', in book form, in chinese?(1) I open my mouth to speak, but before I can say anything, Heero drops to his knees at my feet.

He wraps his arms around my legs, and buries his face in my lap, shaking. I don't *think* he's crying, but maybe... He keeps whispering the same thing, over and over. "I didn't mean it, Duo! I love you so much, I can't stand the thought... I didn't *mean* it Duo!"

That's the first time he's ever told me he loves me. I put one hand in his hair, drawing him closer. The other moves to touch my cheek, already swollen. I always thought I'd feel happier when he said it.

~Here you go again
Asking where I've been
Can't you see these tears are real I'm crying?

Why can't you see
What you're doing to me
When you don't believe a word I'm saying?~

Quatre's laughing at something I said, so hard he's actually got tears running down his face. He puts his hand on my arm to steady himself. Of *course* that's when Heero walks in.

He just looks at the two of us. Doesn't say a word, just looks, but it's enough to cut Quatre's laughter right off. He opens his arms wide, letting the bag of groceries he's holding fall to the floor. Then he stalks off upstairs.

30 seconds, tops. Not much time at all, but long enough to shatter the mood I had with Quatre. The Perfect Soldier, so perfectly efficient. Sighing, I go and pick up the groceries. Shit! I think *all* the eggs broke.

"Um, Duo?" I look up, and Quatre's staring at me, his blue eyes wide with concern. "What was *that* all about?"

Without even thinking about it, I feel my jester's mask sliding back on. I *hate* that damn thing. I thought I could leave it behind, with the war, but lately I've been wearing it a lot. Another little 'gift' from Heero.

"Ah, he's just PMS-ing, Quatre. Don't sweat it. Hey, look! It's Egg Man." I pick up two of the broken shells, and move them around, like they're puppet heads. "I am the great and powerful Egg Man! Watch me---"

"I can *feel* the pain, Duo. Both yours and his. It's like a knife, here." He taps his chest. "So what's *really* going on?"

I drop the shells on the floor, and slump against the cupboard. "Hell, I don't know, Quatre. He's just so *suspicious*. He thinks I'm screwing around on him, accuses me all the time. God knows I've never given him a *reason* to doubt me, but he's... shit! I don't know. I don't know anymore."

"Do you mean he thinks you and I, we...?" Quatre looks so upset, I don't know whether to laugh or feel insulted.

"It's nothing personal, Q-man. He thinks that about *anyone* I'm alone with - the mailman, the pope, anyone." I laugh, but even *I* can't pretend there's any humor in it.

All of a sudden, Heero's back in the kitchen. He throws something at both of us. I don't know about Quatre, but I barely manage to catch mine before it hits me in the face.

"I'm sure you'll need it" he growls at me. Then he turns to Quatre and *sneers*, I swear. "And you'll *really* those. He's not too particular about who he fucks." And then he's gone, the front door slamming so hard, I hear something fall in the hallway.

Quatre and I look at each other, and then at what we're holding. I have a jar of K-Y, and he's holding a box of condoms.

Quatre's eyes fill with tears. For him or for me, I don't know.

~So when an old friend I know
Stops by to say hello
Will I still see suspicion in you eyes?~

I drop a pile of clothes on the bed by my duffle bag. Shit! I can't believe I've filled it already. I used to be able to pack for a mission in fifteen minutes. But you live with a guy for two years, you pick up a lot of crap. Fuck it. I'll get a garbage bag or something.

I take the last drawer I haven't looked through, and dump it out on the bed. Hm. Just receipts and dead batteries and... oh, man. I pick up the gold bracelet and just stare at it.

Heero gave it to me for our first anniversary. It's huge -'like our love', he said- with massive links, and a tiny cross to match the one I wear around my neck. I *loved* that bracelet, loved what it represented. I haven't worn it for months now.

Heero's voice from the doorway startles me. "What do you think *you're* doing?"

"I'm packing; what does it look like?" My fist closes around the bracelet, hiding it. I can't afford to show him any weakness right now, or I'll never leave. And I *need* to leave.

"I thought you said our love was special. I thought you said you'd love me forever. I thought you said you'd never leave." His voice is mocking, but I hear the pain underneath it.

I turn to face him, and I don't *care* if he sees the tears in my eyes. "And *I* thought you loved me enough to trust me. Enough to know that our love *meant* something, that we *were* special."

He crosses his arms and leans against the doorframe. He has absolutely no expression on his face. It's like I haven't said anything. "So, which of your little fuckboys are you running to? Who are you spreading your legs for *this* week?"

Ever bit of anger I've ever felt towards him explodes through me. I actually see red, like a mist staining my eyes. I'm so mad, I'm trembling.

I put my face right next to his. He must have seen *something* in my eyes, cause he takes a step back. I scream at him so loudly, it feels like I'm ripping something.

"Well, Heero, first I'm going to Trowa, then Quatre, then Wufei. I'm going to do them separately, then together in a huge fucking orgy! Then Zechs *with* Relena, and then I'm going to whore myself on the streets!!"

"Wouldn't be the first time."

I *feel* the blood leaving my face. It makes me dizzy, sick. "What did you say?"

He gives me a smirk. "I said, it wouldn't be the first time you whored yourself."

"You... fucking... *bastard*." I *never* thought he'd do that. Take things I told him, about my childhood, *painful* things, stuff I've never told anyone *but* him, and throw it back at me like that, just to hurt and wound. Bastard!

I'm *still* holding the damn bracelet, so I turn and throw it into the mirror, as hard as I can. It shatters, but not as much as my heart.

"You know, I was wrong. There's *nothing* here that I want." And I walk away and I don't look back.

~We can't go on together
With suspicious minds
We cannot build our dreams
On suspicious minds~

I know it's Heero at the door, I just *know* it. Who else would be pounding on it at three a.m.? I look through the peephole. Surprise. I'm right.

I talk through the door. "Go away, Heero."

"Duo, please. I'm sorry. I'm *so* sorry"

I don't think I've ever heard him say that. It touches me, even though I don't want it to. I open the door, but I keep it on the chain.

Through the crack, I see half his face and one eye. He looks like shit. Good. He *should* be suffering. Not that I'm vindictive or anything. Ha!

"What do you want, Heero?"

"I want you back. I want... us back"

"Not gonna happen. See you." I try to close the door, but he moves too quickly for me, getting his foot in. Now I'll *never* close it.

"Duo, please! I'm so sorry! I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I'll do whatever it takes, just please take me back."

I just got more emotion out of him in one sentence than I ever had during the two years we lived together. I look at him more closely. He's *crying*! What's happened to him? I feel myself weakening.

"Let's say I *do* take you back, Heero. It won't work. You'll just get all weird again. You won't trust me, you'll accuse me, you'll *hurt* me. I can't go through that shit again, I just can't."

"I'll never hurt you again, Duo, I promise! You can screw the whole colony for all I care, as long as I have you with me."

I close my eyes and sigh. Heero Yuy, master of romance. "You just don't get it, do you? I *never* cheated on you, I *never* lied. It was all in your weird head. You were the only one, Heero, *my* only one."

I look at him. He's still crying, and my heart twists. This is *not* a good thing. I still love the damn bastard, and that's not a good thing, either. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I *want* to do.

He speaks again, and his voice sounds confessional, almost ashamed. "Listen, I was jealous of you---"

"No shit!"

"No, not like that! I couldn't believe someone as special as you would *want* to be with someone like me. You're joy and life and beauty, and I'm just nothing. An empty shell, a robot.

"I couldn't understand what you saw in me. I *knew* you'd leave me someday, I knew it in my heart. So I thought if could believe you were *already* cheating on me, it wouldn't hurt so much when you left.

"But I was wrong. You *never* cheated on me, and I drove you away, and it hurt so damn much anyway! Oh, God, Duo, please, *please* give me another chance!"

I just stare at him. I cannot *believe* this. On second thought, I can. Who else but the super-efficient Spandex Soldier could be such an... idiot about love? I tell him that, right to his face. "You're a fucking idiot, Yuy."

He just bows his head. I stare at him some more. He hurt me more than anyone, the most pain I ever felt. But if I'm honest, he also gave me the most joy. Shit. Shit!

Oh, what the hell. Even Death can be a fool for love. I smile, and take the chain off the door.

~Oh, let our love survive
I'll dry the tears in your eyes
Let's don't let a good thing die
Honey, you know I never lie~



that's it. what do you think? sorry it was so angsty, i didn't mean it to be. it just turned out that way. i'll go for a happier one next time.

Note: (1) by Sun Tzu. everyone should read it.



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