~ by the way, this is my first fic ever, so I welcome any questions, comments or suggestions. Tell me if it makes young children scream in terror or anything. ~
Disclaimer – yaoi and sappy, some expletives
Btw. Heero and Duo are both talking to/arguing with themselves and thinking, none of it is out loud, except for in the end. Sorry if it’s confusing.
The crowds yelled in collective emotion. It was over… finally, over. The dream that had persevered these many years had finally come true. No more Oz, no more fighting…simply peace. Duo watched the firework filled sky with an obvious play of emotions skittering over his normally cheerful features.
"Shit, now what," he thought. "Alone again, like I always am … deserve to be really. Everyone I’ve ever known, ever loved has died, left me in their own way."
All the kids at the Maxwell Church…..
And how Heero…."
Duo sank to the ground, not caring about his contrast to the deliriously happy public. "Heero. Shit Heero. Now what" Duo’s mind rambled, bringing with it all the searing pain possible for memories to cause. "Damn it Heero. From the second I saw you, I was yours. You didn’t know it, but I was. I spent every waking moment either with you, or thinking of you, but you didn’t know."
"you didn’t know" The refrain echoed through his mind, the ceaseless echo that would leave him no peace.
"And now you never will. This fucking war is over. Complete. Done. You have no reason to stay, so just go. I can’t sit and watch you type anymore. Never again will I have to talk to the un-answering wall of your back. Never will I be able to watch you sleep, tracing the lines of your face with my eyes, wishing…. I never told you, why didn’t I tell you. If I had…. But I didn’t, couldn’t, hell, I still can’t. I love you too much to loose you. Oh, I can see it now ‘Heero, guess what, I’ve loved you from the day I saw you, I want you, I want you forever, I want you to be mine’ yeah, he’d love that one. After punching me, he’d run into oblivion, leaving my heart to spasm on the floor and I’d never see him again. No – I can’t loose him, can’t loose my only friend. I’ll just have to settle for what I have. But it’s all a moot point now, I saw him leave, in that gundam of his, probably back to Relena, for all eternity. He didn’t even say goodbye, I mean that little to him…"
The fireworks boomed high in the sky, triggering unwelcome memories of Oz bases, the rampant destruction that was his life for so long. His life, that he once shared with another. He remembered holding his breath during every mission Heero was on. He remembered making Heero go to bed when he was injured. He remembered so much, yet somehow it still wasn’t enough.
"and now you’ll leave. You’ll be lost to me forever, if I even had you to begin with. You’ll go off and marry that Relena bitch and live forever, happy. Where will I be, what will I be…nothing. Nothing, without this war…nothing, without you to complete me" Duo gathered his thighs to his chest and buried his face in the welcome refuge of his knees. His memory ran through each glance, each gesture, each moment, each lost opportunity. "He knew I loved him, right? He had to, he knew and he chose to ignore it"
"are you lost, niisan?"
"If I wasn’t before, I certainly am now," Heero thought, as he found the alley he was looking for, sinking to sit on the filthy ground. "nowhere to go, nobody to go with, no purpose in life. Hell, the war was my purpose. Sometimes I wish I had just blown myself to kingdom come when I had the chance, save me the trouble of this life thing. Why didn’t I hit that enticing red button? Oh yeah…him. That longhaired baka with his smiles and laughter was always making life bearable. Damn him. Damn him for fighting with me, watching after me, for making me smile, making me feel wanted. Damn him to any hell that may exist. He distracted me. Made me think of myself instead of the mission, he could have cost us our lives. Damn him for making me feel like a person, people are not wanted in war, only soldiers. War. But we have peace now… peace, what a foreign concept. What does a soldier do in peace. What do I do in peace? Soldiers are not wanted in peace, only people. I am not a person, not without him"
Something inside of Heero clicked. That hole inside of his torso suddenly made sense. "I need him? No, I don’t need anybody. That only causes a dependency, which leads to disaster. A liability against the mission. What mission am I on now? A mission for my life, I suppose, my life, my happiness, my future."
He remembered Duo fighting by his side, covering his back, forcing him to sleep when injured, that and so much more. "No, no, I do not need him, I do not need anybody, I was trained to be independent, but at least, at least, at the very least he helped"
"You need to be helped Heero" the tiny voice inside his head said
"But why him, why me? He won’t want me, he barely knows me"
"and that is your fault, you never let him" the voice retorted "you were never kind, never tender, mind always on the mission. What about him, where did his thoughts lie? Never on himself. Remember all he did for you, all he made you feel. You, yes, you Heero Perfect Soldier Yuy. You felt and you know why."
"Fine, so I need him. I need the loudmouth to sing of key, to joke around, to smile at me. I need him to watch after me, so I need him. So what"
"you know it’s far more than that" the voice pronounced
"yes I know" Heero snapped "I know I need him, I know I want him" His tone softened "I want him to make me feel, I want him to smile, I want him to know me, I want him to…love me."
The warm, soothing feeling spreading throughout his body, starting with his stomach and working its way out let him know that he had stumbled onto ground that was forbidden, yet somehow perfect. That single line etched itself into his mind "to love me"
He made up his mind "it’s now or never, and if I don’t do this now, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. The rest of my life…that wouldn’t be for too much longer without him. It’s this or death." Heero smirked, either way he got death, but he much preferred the living, breathing death, the one with the annoying, frivolous, beautiful braid. Yes, that braid, the one he wanted entwined in his fingers, the one he longed to see unwoven, the long honey locks shining in the sun. This was the right alley, he had seen Duo traverse it several times before, back and forth to his hotel. He had to come through here, Heero knew he would. He would pull this off. He had to.
As reality began to seep back into Duo’s misery soaked mind, he noticed the cavorting people had taken their tumultuous party elsewhere. "home Duo, get your butt home and pack. If he can leave so can you. Leave, get away from here, all this happiness, just go" the braided American thought to himself.
"excuse me," he mumbled as he stumbled by a person in the shadows. A hand shot out of the darkness and grabbed his.
"wha…" Duo shouted
"Heero?, is that you? What are you doing sitting in an alley? Where’s Relena? Why are you still here?" Duo asked every question he could think of, if for no other reason than to give his baffled mind some time to compute.
"Shut Up" Heero growled. "And let me finish this"
"Finish? Had he even started something?" Duo thought, but chose to say nothing in the vain hopes that Heero might actually say something. "Took him a fucking long time" Duo’s mind retorted before it realized Heero was still standing there, silent.
"Where are you going?" Heero asked.
"I mean permanently"
Duo’s mind churned, coming up with nil each time.
"Duo, do you have a HOME?"
The question stuck deep within him, stinging the part that held the longing, the sadness, the utter emptiness that threatened to consume him at times like this.
"Oi Heero, home, who needs one, I thought I’d see the world first!" the carefree mask back in place
"Stop it! Stop it!" Heero hissed "Stop avoiding the question. Give me a goddamn straight answer."
"No," Duo whispered.
Heero stepped towards Duo, staring him straight in the face. For a moment, they simply stood that way, Duo looking adamantly at his shoes.
"Come on," Hero said, yanking Duo’s arm towards him, heading off in the opposite direction from which Duo had come.
Heero flashed one of his, until then, almost nonexistent smiles.
"I’ll make one for you"
ICQ # 34660638
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