Falling From Closet Space
Draco
Snoring. Who would have thought snoring could be such a comforting sound? God, I am so use to that sound now I don't know how I ever lived without it.
It's not a loud snore, or an annoying one... just a heavy breathing sound at a rhythmic beat.
For the past three years, every night after I come home, I am greeted by Heero's snoring, reminding me that I am not coming home to a lonely apartment. He used to wake up every time I was ten meters away from opening the door, but eventually that changed. His training finally gave in to his natural character. So now he sleeps through earthquakes and other sort of major disaster without so much as turning over.
Heero moved in with me after the war, and we have been living together since then. For some reason that's beyond my understanding, he insists on sleeping on the couch. Whatever floats your boat, I always say. I never ask him about it, but I suppose another bed would leave very little space for us to walk in. We live in a studio with only one bed. It was suppose to be a temporary arrangement. Of course we could afford to get a bigger apartment, but this place suits us. We are used to living in closets. I think I'm almost afraid of too much space.
My dinner sits on the kitchen table, ready to be heated. Chicken and rice... and a bottle of wine. He remembered. He always remembers. Funny, I had forgotten.
"Happy Birthday," he whispers from the couch. Maybe I am wrong about him being a heavy sleeper.
"Ne, Heero, come and have a drink with me. I hate drinking alone," I offer as I turn on our lights. I also retrieve two glasses from the cabinet, "Besides, tomorrow is Saturday."
He slowly gets up from the couch, and walks over to the dining table to join me. His large shirt slides off his shoulders slightly. Heero never wears anything more than a shirt and cotton briefs in the apartment. Not that I mind particularly, but it makes it kind of difficult to take any girls home with me. Still, I always choose to tell my dates that my studio apartment is off limits rather than try to explain to the former perfect soldier about the ramification of always dressing like that. Heero is genuine like that, and I'd rather tick off a couple of women than change the one constant in my life.
Heero silently heats up my dinner for me while I pour the wine into the glasses.
"To another year of bachelor-hood," I raise my glass in toast jovially.
Heero stares at me, but says nothing as he sips out of his glass.
"Relena called today," I hear him telling me, "She was wondering how we are doing."
"What did you tell her?" I chuckle. I don't think Relena would like snoring... or the wandering around the house wearing practically nothing... then again...
"I told her about my job," Heero sits besides me, playing with his glass, "She's impressed."
"I bet she envies me," I take another sip of wine. The wine is light and flavorful at the same time. Of course Heero knows the perfect wine to pick, "I get cooking from a five star chef everyday."
"You do the dishes," Heero points out reasonably
Lately, more and more our conversation are like talk bubbles in comic books.
The words are there, but they are flat, meaningless, and in someone else's handwriting.
"Duo, are you happy living like this?" Heero finally breaks the silence.
I consider the question. I know Heero isn't talking about the dishes.
This isn't how I envisioned my life. Then again, I was never sure I would survive the war.
"I'm not unhappy," I reply as I twirl my glass, watching the wine form a small vortex. No, not unhappy. But sometimes... sometimes, it feels as if I am on the edge of something good, and if I just try to lean over, I could fall into it. As if happiness is some kind of oasis I could just throw myself into. Then again, perhaps I have been chasing after mirages. An illusion that seems to be always just out of reach, and I'm the lone wonderer who will die of thirst any moment now, "Why do you ask?"
"The war is over," Heero replies softly. No happiness nor bitterness in his voice. A statement of a simple fact that we have long since accepted.
"Why am I still fighting?" Heero asks no one in particular.
Fighting. The word lingers. Like soft molasses, the word coats my mind. Fighting. Three years, and we have not forgotten. Three years, and we are still the way we were when we walked away from our gundams.
"Good question, Heero," I don't know the answer. I'm sorry I don't know the answer. And perhaps if I did, I would be happier. Life is blending into a mild flavored dish. Edible, but never palatable.
"Do you think... " Heero says slowly, "Do you think we can start living?"
Another good question. Living. We are living. In the strictest sense of the word, we are living. We have the freedom and enough money to do practically anything we want to. Yet the desire is not there. The curiosity of exploring, the joy of discovery... we feel neither.
After the war, everything faded into routine. Everything turned a grayer shade. No army to threaten our lives. No need to kill. And perhaps, no reason to live.
"Maybe we should do something more drastic to heal ourselves," I suggest. Like what? Go see a shrink? Eat pills that will make the memories of war fade away to the same shade of gray as our lives? I don't know. Everything during was the war was black. Now everything is just gray. I don't know which is worse.
"Or we could just sleep with each other," the words fall out of my mouth before I could stop them. Sex. An all powerful tool that seems to border the distance between people. You hate each other, you screw, you love each other. Perhaps it will do wonders to our lives as well. During the war, I made love to death. There was a certain excitement in it. In the space between touching the face of God, and the cold cockpit of Deathscythe lingers the moment of orgasm with death.
Maybe that's why I have slept with so many women since the war. Hoping to bridge that distance somehow. Hoping to see the face of God once more.
Heero does not respond. I wonder if he's actually considering it. I'm not sure if I should be flattered or disgusted at the thought. Then again, I suggested it.
Apathetic sex. God, is that what I'm reverted to? Sex with my best friend so I might feel something?
"Do you think that will do it?" Heero's voice is soft.
Heero is willing to do it. The realization hits me in the face and for a moment I can not breathe. Sleeping with the perfect soldier. What a concept! I'm not sure if I'm more shocked at the fact that I'm considering doing the wild thing with a man, or that I'm considering doing it with Heero.
The microwave beeps, telling me my food is heated. Heero stands up to get it. The moment passes.
Heero comes back with my food and places it in front of me then sits next to me and watches me eat.
He is still expecting an answer. I know he is, but I can not think. Spices. Heero's dishes are always so full of rich spices. I gulp down the rest of my wine.
"It might," I answer finally, "I suppose it could..." Sex. Just sex. With Heero.
As if crossing a desert, I bridge the gap between us. He looks mildly surprised as I cup his face in my hands and press my face forward.
His mouth tastes virginal. God, the thought makes me... I'm not sure what. I am the first person to kiss my best friend.
Wet kisses. My mind blanks for a moment. God, I feel like a rapist. Savoring Heero's innocence and naiveté. Enjoying the newness of his unclaimed mouth.
I stop and pull back violently. God, what the hell am I doing?
All the while, I can still taste him in my mouth. One taste and instantly I'm an addict.
Heero looks dazed. His eyes not entirely focused, and his lips parted slightly an invitation for me to go back.
I don't know what's more revolting, the fact I want to claim another man, or the fact that I want to claim a virgin.
There goes apathetic sex.
"Do you want this?" I ask. God, even in my own ears my voice sounds husky and dripping with lust.
Heero nods. I plunge back into his mouth. I don't know if I would have stopped if he had said no. The thought shakes me. The fact that Heero can probably kill me if he wants me to stop grounds me, preventing me from being consumed in the fire burning through my body.
This is Heero. I remind myself continuously. I can't... it's not right...
I pull away again. God knows if I don't stop now, I never will. This... this is madness, and I am sinking deeper into it.
"Do what you want," Heero whispers, "But don't tease me."
God he looks so vulnerable as he sits there in the chair by the table.
He wants me. And I want him. Sex. No guilt. I tell myself sternly, before diving back into blissful oblivion.
Who needs wine when kissing Heero makes me this drunk.
My arms pull roughly around Heero, feeling his smooth flesh. I pick him up unceremoniously, and walked over to the bed. His kisses fall on my neck, my ears, blessing each part with his sweet innocence.
I place him on the bed. And for a moment, all I can do is stare at him.
I have had women. God knows, I have had plenty of women. Each one of them beautiful in some way or another. But sex had been sex. No matter how hard I tried, I always felt as if I was an outsider watching the motions. The physical intimacy could never pass for real intimacy. And in the morning, I would always find myself waking up to a stranger.
Men. Men are different. They are your friends and your comrades. Someone you get drunk with and tell dirty jokes to. But I have never considered taking a man as I'm about to take Heero.
No guilt. Just sex. To forget... yet at the moment, I can not remember what it was that we were trying to forget.
I roughly strip Heero's shirt away from his body. The briefs take slightly more maneuvering, there's already a wet spot on them. No... I can't rip them off, that would hurt Heero, I ordered myself. Carefully, I slide them down his legs, feeling the smooth muscles on the way.
God, Heero is so beautiful when his naked, my mouth plunders into his once more. I feel his hands running down my shirt, struggling to unbutton it. I arch my back slightly to help him. As my shirt comes loose, I feel his mouth on my chest. His soft lips massaging my skin.
The shirt slips off, abandoned with the rest of Heero's clothes on the side of the bed. Still wearing my jeans, I grind my hips into Heero almost involuntarily. The harsh fabric rubbing against his shaft, eliciting a moan. The sound of his voice almost drives me to my limits. I pull away from his hands as he tries to unzip my pants, not trusting my control should my naked erection rub against his.
Before he could voice his complaint, I take his sex into my mouth. God, he's so wet already.
Heero moans louder, thrusting into my eager mouth. There is so much hunger in me I almost want to eat him whole. My tongue twirls against him, suckling on him, feeding myself on the delicious noises coming out of his throat.
I am in a trance, my own hips thrusting against the bed as Heero pumps into my mouth.
"Duo... " Heero's voice is lost in the sounds of his ecstasy, but I hear my name over and over again like an erotic chant.
"Duo... I... " I could feel Heero's whole body tighten beneath me.
My mouth clench around him as his seeds burst into my mouth. Pungent and bitter. I swallow him greedily.
His entire body is covered by a thin layer of sweat making him glisten. His hands wrap around the sheets. His face is flushed, a soft red color... but his eyes... they are so intense I felt myself being burnt into them.
God, he's an angel. I just gave an angel a blow job. That must have earned me a lot of points up in Heaven.
And I'm not done yet. So much desire, so much lust... so many feelings I don't even understand. I'm drowning in a sea of pure sensations. Feelings, raw and inedible, crushing. What's happening to me?
Gluttonous. I am absolutely gluttonous. I want more. I can't stop.
"Heero, I... " I'm talking... and all the while I'm not... I can't tell any more.
Before I can even find my voice, he turns over slightly, spreading his legs for me.
Heero Yuy, the perfect soldier, is going to let me take him. He trusts me that much.
God, the thought almost pushes me over.
Slowly I take off my pants and my boxers. I need a moment. I need a moment to calm down before I fall. God, I'm so close to falling into something, and I can't see what I'm falling into.
"Duo, I need... " Heero whispers. What he needs he isn't sure himself. Neither am I. Two naked boys...
"You are so beautiful," I stroke his back softly. His buttocks slightly raised like two ripe peaches.
I position myself behind him, and guide my erection to where it wants to go.
Well lubricated by precum, I begin to push in slowly. Suddenly fear grabs me, I am on the edge, and if I fall there would be no going back. Yet as I feel inner skin grips against me, enveloping in its warmth, I can not help by push in deeper, completing the union.
Heero screams. From pain or pleasure I do not know. God, I'm so afraid of hurting him... but I can not stop.
It hurts to thrust against him. He's so tight against me that I could feel myself chaffing, but the pain keeps me from free falling.
Being inside Heero makes me feel invincible somehow. As if nothing in the world can touch me... like making love to death.
Too soon, endorphin drowns out the pain, and I thrust into Heero like a mad man. His shouts, noises, and incoherent sounds only making me harder and my movement faster. The bed squeaks as if was going to break, but I no longer care.
I am free falling. I can't see where I am falling into. I keep on expecting to crush to the bottom of something, but nothing blocks my descent, I just keep on falling.
Heero screams my name as he comes. My own name dooms me, as I burst into Heero, waiting for the bottom of the fall that never comes.
I came so hard that for a moment I can't move. I just laid there. On top of Heero.
"Did it work?" Heero whispers underneath me.
I kiss his back lightly. Salty.
"It might have," I roll off him, nearly falling off the bed, "We need to get a bigger bed." This changes everything. There are so many epiphanies ranging in my head I don't know which one to listen to. Utterly confused and yet unexplainably happy, I cling on to Heero tighter, molding his body to mine.
"Duo I... " I put my hands over his mouth quickly to prevent him from saying it.
I'm not sure what he wants to say, but I don't think I'm ready to hear it. Three years we lived together, and even if he could say it, I am not ready to hear it. Not yet.
"You are salty," I inform him, "And we smell bad."
Heero chuckles a little. He struggles to get up to take a shower.
I pull him back down into the bed, "I'm too tired to take a shower right now. If we get a new bed, we will need new bed sheets as well. We might as well ruin these ones."
Heero nods.
"Maybe we should get a bigger apartment. If we get a bigger apartment we can even get a dog. Or a cat if you really want, but I'd prefer a dog... "
I'm answered with the familiar snore.
I wrap my arms around him, listening to the familiar pattern.
He smells like spices.
~owari
