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Almond Joy, This is Just Desserts


"Dammit, Duo! I told you not to put my spandex in the dryer. Look, it's too small!" Heero complained, waving a pair of black biker shorts in the braided boy's face. "What am I supposed to wear now?!"

"I don't know; real clothes?" Duo snapped, looking up from his manga briefly to see Heero Yuy standing buck naked in front of him. For some strange reason, he found himself going back to his manga instead of accepting the blatant invitation.

In fact, that had been happening more and more of late. He didn't know what it was; their relationship, so passionate and HOT had just...ssssss. Fizzled out. He didn't want to accept it, didn't want to become a married couple before Heero had even proposed. Heero just didn't seem Well, yes, to be specific he was still sexy, just not smoldering the way he used to be.

He forced himself to throw down the Sailor Moon manga and rest a hand on Heero's hip. His...slightly rounder hip?!? Duo's eyes snapped open, and he examined Heero carefully, from head to toe.

"Heero..." he finally said. "I don't think it's your clothes...I think you've gained weight!" An indescript look passed briefly over the Japanese boy's face before he shook his head.

"Not a possibility," Heero replied flatly.

"I think so! What, have you been pigging out on the Rocky Road?" Heero gave a him a warning frown, but said nothing. "It's weird...I haven't seen you eating any more than you did. Metabolism slowing down, perhaps? We aren't 15 anymore..." Duo shrugged nonchalantly.

"I've actually been eating less and...exercising more," he said, shooting a coy glance the American's way. "I *like* exercising..."

Then he pounced and they screwed each other silly.


It wasn't until the next day that Duo began to get suspicious.

He leaned in to kiss his koi and came away with a little bit of chocolate smeared on his mouth. Mmm...chocolate sauce on Heero... Hee-koi seemed to like using food in their little sex games. It seemed strange to Duo; well, it had before he'd been covered in whipped cream and licked clean.

But they hadn't used any food the night before.

"Heero," Duo said urgently, poking him. "Wake up!"

"What?" The Japanese boy looked at his lover, torn between getting up and making breakfast (pancakes...yum) or smacking Duo one for waking him up early in the morning.

"Did you leave after we had sex?" he demanded, putting one manicured hand on the round curve of his hip. Heero shot him a puzzled look and shook his head. "You've got chocolate sauce on your face..."


The plot thickens...


"I do?" Heero brought his hand to his face and came away with chocolate smeared all over his fingers. He sucked them clean as he thought. French chocolate was always the best... These damn Americans had no idea what they were doing when it came to fine chocolates and wines... Duo still felt uneasy, but said nothing. Why frighten Heero? But inside he was churning, coming up with a plan that might uncover the truth once and for all.

But he would need the other's help...




"Good night, Heero," Duo sighed, and pressed a light kiss to his lover's forehead. He laid awake for several hours, and was about to fall asleep when the bed creaked beneath them. Duo could make out Heero's form slowly rising from the bed.

As soon as he'd left the room, Duo grabbed the walkie-talkie out from beneath his pillow. "Psst...This is Almond Joy, repeat, this is Almond Joy. The jellybeans walk at midnight."

There was a crackle of static and then Quatre's voice rang out through the little plastic toy. "Roger that, Almond Joy. This is Men's Pocky, repeat, this is Men's Pocky. Should we make ourselves known? The jellybeans are making their way down the stairs, towards the kitchen."

Duo paused. I knew it! he thought. Closet eater...

"Men's Pocky, this is Almond Joy. Do not approach the jellybeans. Do not touch them under any circumstance." This was almost too good, he thought gleefully. If he could get a picture... He hoped Trowa had brought his camera with him when he staked out the kitchen...

"...Roger that. Men's Pocky, over and out."


One minute later


Duo was almost asleep again when Trowa spoke on the walkie talkie. "Almond Joy, this is Crème Broulee speaking. Repeat, this is Crème Broulee speaking. The jellybeans have made it to the door. They're..." There was a lot of static, and Duo could feel his nerves tightening.

"Crème Broulee! What's happening?"

"The jellybeans...are banging against the door. It appears...they're stalled. The door--OH MY GOD!"

"Stalled? Crème Broulee, what the hell is going on out there?"

There was a pause and then, "It's a war, man! It's hell! Shit! The macaroni has hit the fan! AIIIEE!!!"

"Crème Broulee!"

"Tell Quatre...I love him..."

The line went dead and Duo wept.


One minute later


"Almond Joy, this is Just Desserts. I've apprehended the subject, plus or minus a few teeth which the AHOU sank into my hand when I attempted to dislodge him from the Rocky Road--"

"Just Desserts! Stay on topic! What's going on down there? Where's Trowa--I mean, Crème Broulee?"

"I'm coming up."


Half an hour later


"Where the hell have you been?" Duo snapped as an exhausted Wufei slung Heero from his back and onto the bed.

"Heero's not so light. You try carrying him up four fucking flights of stairs," the Chinese pilot growled.

"How did you get him away from the ice cream?" Duo sighed, petting his lover's hair. Heero made a faint grunting sound.

"Easy. If you wanna know, you can go look at the carton yourself. But," he added, smirking, "beware the vampire ice cream."


Five minutes later


Duo was a curious boy.

He padded down the stairs silently, and flipped the top off the carton. He didn't see what was so wrong, he thought absently, digging a spoon into the Rocky Road. He brought the spoon up to his lips and screamed.

There was a set of teeth impaled in the random assortment of toppings. He watched in horror as they began to chatter; Duo fainted, the carton falling from his boneless fingers, bouncing once and landing on his face, the teeth still chattering, aiming for his nose.




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