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Drifting Off


I canít explain it and I canít justify it. My heart is torn in two completely opposite directions by forces I canít controlÖforces that control meÖand I want no part of that control. I had hoped we could have gone off and lived our lives in peace together, growing to a ripe old age and eventually departing from this world, heart in heart, but apparently this canít happen and Iím left stranded on my own high pedestal of pride, unwilling to admit that I was wrong and this was my fault. Taking these pills continuously isnít going to change that fact that you love me no longer for what I amÖwhat Iíve done. My arm hurts from where Iíve injected the needle so many times, but I canít help it. I canít bear to do this to myself because of you, but I canít bear to have the intense pain in my heart, either. Another pill. Half of the container is gone and spilled over because of my shaking hands. I need another wayÖbut I canít because of you. I will not destroy myself anymore just for you. You light up my life, but now youíre goneÖthe painís unbearable and I have to break my continuous promise of quitting the pillsÖthe injectionsÖthe slow suicide. FunnyÖit was always I, you said, that you could rely on Ė the calm and sensible one. Iím not the man you thought I wasÖ. I feel dizzy, sick, like throwing up. My mind wants more, but I donít think my body can take more. My mind wins again, driven by my painful emotions. Emotions I cannot readily express. Iíve silenced them and lived my days, showing no trace of this path of destruction. You were the only one who found outÖso thatís why you left I just know it. You say its because you canít bear to see me slowly kill myself like this, but I know itís because you canít stand to love a drug addict. My legs give out and I feel myself falling, crumpled on the floor like some kind of puppet. I think this time Iíve taken too many pills and it seems I can feel myself drifting off. My heart aches, but I still love you, even though you love me no longer. I canít stand to live like this anymore, but if I had told you I loved you one more timeÖI think, in my mind, that would have made all the difference.


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