And Then He Smiled
Elf
I’m not sure how many years ago it was…but I remember the first time I met Trowa. I don’t remember what happened, or how we met, I just remembered that there was something different about him. His eyes would be focused on something, but vaguely…cast off…like he was thinking hard about something…but didn’t know what. He intrigued me. And God was he quiet. I used to wonder how he survived – surely he talked to himself while he was alone, right? When he spoke, one of the rare times, he was always straightforward and to the point, but so gentle. I’m not saying he wasn’t blunt, because he was, but…the way he spoke…with it’s curtness and truth…never seemed to alienate anyone. God, if I ever tried that…people would be down my throat in a second. It seemed as if he could get away with anything…not because people didn’t care or notice…but just because…I honestly have no idea. There was just this quality about him…very subtle…but it was there and he knew it. He was innocent and unassuming…but arrogant at the same time. Like I said, he intrigued me.
Honestly, the war was a blur. Out of all the things that happened during that time I forgot most everything…but see, those were the things I could never make sense of. I suppose you can’t remember anything that never made sense, right? It would certainly seem that way. …But Trowa…no, he remembered everything…except when he had amnesia, of course. I used to joke that maybe we should smack him upside the head a couple of times and see if he remembered anything after that. I…I do admit. I had always been slightly jealous of Trowa. He had the circus to go to with a nice young girl waiting for him. I used to think that he and that girl…Catherine…I used to think they were lovers. Somehow, that made me jealous. Of him or her…I didn’t have a clue at the time – in fact, I’m unsure even now. I even asked him that once – of his relationship with Catherine. I tried to make it seem like it was casual conversation by telling him that Hilde and I were just friends, but I really wanted to know. He told me though, quite simply as if to put my mind at ease, that Catherine was like a sister. Somehow, that gave me comfort. I’m sure that’s how he survived the war – thinking of that girl and the circus. It sure makes a difference when you know there’s a place you can go to when everything’s over. I asked him about that once – how he did survive the war….
"…I don’t know how you do it," I had asked. It was one of the very rare moments when we were alone. Those moments I had treasured dearly.
"Do what?" Of course, he always responded so innocently – always so calm.
"Survive." My reply had been short, like his characteristic ones. He never seemed to mind it when I opened up to him. Aside from Heero, he was one of the very few I did open to. It took a while with Heero – I had to make sure I could trust him with my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions…. Eventually, I did…but I admit…it took a while. Trowa, however…I suppose I felt that he could never hurt me once I opened up to him. He could never use them to take advantage of me. I suppose I was right…in a sense.
Looking away, he responded, "…I survive by thinking of loved ones…by thinking of what I have to live for. Sometimes, it’s not much…it used to be nothing…but even the smallest of things make a difference." No matter how much of that time I forget, I will never forget what he said to me. …Nor will I ever forget when he looked back at me and smiled. That’s when I had the feeling that…maybe I loved him.
His smile always was beautiful. I told him once that he should smile more often…he had a really nice smile. …Though…he just looked at me – not smiling – and asked me why everyone wanted him to smile so much.
"What is there to smile for?" He added on, looking at me with those deep, green eyes. Those were the eyes I loved. It broke my heart to see that they were slightly pained. …But I could never tell him that…not then, anyway.
"…Well…you’ve got Catherine to smile for…you’ve got the circus to smile for…you’ve got your friends. That should be enough to smile for, right?" I wanted him to smile for me. He never gave empty smiles like so many of us do – when he smiled, his eyes lit up. Of course, he only smiled once for me. That was when I had asked him how he survived. …But…the war was over…he should be smiling more…right?
He had just looked at me with his eyes…they were so beautiful. Even still, they’re in my dreams. "Smiling is for when your heart is happy." His words were so simple…almost childlike. It was then that I knew I was in love…that I wanted him to smile for me.
I remember I sat myself in front of him and took his hand. I told him that I had come all the way from home just to see him…that I wanted to see him smile…that I wanted to see him happy. I said that I never could tell what he was thinking sometimes, so I wanted him to show it.
I remember clearly how he showed what he was thinking. He showed it by leaning forward and kissing me.
Surprised, yes. I was very surprised…but…I enjoyed it so much.
He quickly broke the kiss not a few seconds after it had begun, studying my reaction.
I showed him what I was thinking by taking him in my arms and kissing him. I started to panic inside when he broke the kiss, but I was reassured and soaring when he smiled just for me – his eyes sparkling just for me. We kissed. We kissed for hours in his trailer – it never growing old. Of course, Catherine did eventually come home…with a surprised, "Duo!" for me. She was shocked, but not upset to see Trowa and I making out on his bed – it didn’t even bother her that half our clothes were off and beside us. I left Trowa to explain to Catherine and stayed in a motel for the night – but I came back the next.
We practically picked up where we left off…going much further, though. I dare anyone to say that Trowa is incapable of speaking above a hushed tone…because I found out that night that Trowa could get loud. Eh…Catherine found out, also, and I think she saw more of us that night than she had ever cared to.
Night after night, though, Trowa came to my motel room and we made love…night after night…until it was time for me to leave to go back to L2…back to help Hilde with the salvaging business - back to a boring, seemingly loveless life.
I promised that I would come back to see him again. …A promise that I desperately wanted to keep…but wasn’t sure I could.
He said nothing while he drove me to the spaceport. He didn’t smile or anything. I got nervous – my palms got all sweaty and I felt clammy all over. I…I wanted to tell him I loved him.
We said nothing to each other as he walked me to the shuttle gate. I had no idea if he was angry, sad, or what. I tried to study his face and eyes…but I found nothing – no trace of emotion. Damn him. As it came time for me to board, I quickly hugged and kissed him – to my surprise, he hugged me very tightly and kissed me very passionately. But still…he said nothing. I boarded the shuttle quickly – not wanting to say goodbye. I think he understood.
As I got in my seat, I looked out the window and saw him from inside the little spaceport, looking out the window like a child…and he saw me. I knew I had to…so I did. I waved out the window to see if I had his attention, then I mouthed I love you. To my pleasure, he saw me and mouthed back, I love you, too…and then he smiled.
That smile, along with his sparkling eyes, still haunts me in my sleep. I’m not afraid to admit it – I cry sometimes when I think of him. I really wish I could have seen him…one last time…but, as I was told, there was an accident in the circus while performing a show and Trowa was killed. After that, Catherine refused to work in the circus any longer. I find it sad and cruel that fate would do that to her. She went to live with Hilde and I. …I suppose Hilde and I never really knew Catherine…but the two girls get along real well. Sometimes, Cathy and I just sit down and talk – about the weather, about business…about Trowa. …Trowa’s death…I don’t like to think about it at all…but memories of our short time together comfort me. I don’t suppose Trowa and I shared what he and Quatre did – a deep friendship, but we were lovers. I know I never got a chance to really know Trowa well, but I knew a side of him no one else did. I know that he didn’t always live by the rules…that he wasn’t always quiet…that he wasn’t always gentle. He was always honest, though, and those things I know about him give me strength to say that, yes, we weren’t the closest of friends, but dammit, we were lovers and loved each other dearly. I’m not sure whom I’d be able to say that to…but it gives me comfort to know that I can.
Catherine…fate has been so cruel to her. She’s never gotten over Trowa’s death…but Hilde and I don’t expect her to. I suppose I’ve gotten over him…I guess, but I still think about him frequently…especially at night.
I think I’ll tell Catherine about the dream I had last night. It was a dream about the last time Trowa and I saw each other. He was silent as he took me to the spaceport…and even silent as we waited for me to board. Before I did, though, we hugged and kissed. On the shuttle, I saw him and he saw me, so I told him I loved him. He said he loved me, too…and then he smiled.
