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The Pizza Man



"Pizza’s ready!" Quatre called after a while. He had finally been able to de thaw and cook it.

"Yum, yum, time to eat!" Duo said excitedly, diving for his seat at the dinner table. He quickly pounded the knife and fork on the table and said, "Come on, where’s the food!"

"Where are Heero, Wufei, Trowa, and the pizza man?" Quatre asked as he set the delicious looking pizza on the table.

Duo began to grab at it.

"Oh no you don’t! You’re not getting anything until everyone’s seated at the table!" Quatre reprimanded as he smacked Duo with a rubber spatula.

Duo whimpered as he rubbed his hand. Damn. "Wufei’s still freaked out. Trowa and I tried to get him to come out of his room, but he won’t stand for it. We’ll give him a slice after we’re done eating."

"Okay," Quatre sighed as he cut off a slice of pizza for Wufei.

Trowa sat at the table along with Heero and the pizza man.

"Hi! So you’re revived!" Quatre began amiably as he seated the pizza man. "My name’s Quatre Raberba Winner. May I ask your name?"

The pizza man looked kind of scared. He looked nervously from Quatre to Trowa to Duo to Heero to Quatre and then to Heero again. He finally looked back to Quatre. "Uhhh…Robin."

"Robin the Pizza Man," Heero stated as he looked at him and smirked.

"…No hood," Robin chuckled nervously.

"No Robin the Pizza Manhood?" Duo asked, confused.

"No, he just means his first name. Robin as in Robin Hood," Trowa quietly explained to Duo. "…I think."

"Well that’s just lovely, Robin. How many slices of pizza would you like?" Quatre asked with his usual hospitality.

Robin looked very disgusted. "Um, no pizza…no pizza."

"No pizza??????" Duo asked in mock horror.

"Well you figure, baka, he works at the pizza place…. He’s bound to hate the sight of it," Heero stood up for Robin, winking at him slightly.

"You mean Robin the Pizza Manhood hates the sight of his own pizza?" Duo asked curiously.

Embarrassed, Quatre shouted to Duo, "Shut up!"

"…I’ll just have milk," Robin stated.

Duo burst out in laughter.

"Now what?" Quatre asked angrily, losing that fuzzy feeling.

Through giggles, Duo told Trowa.

"Dear god," Trowa muttered, burying his head in his hands.

"Duo, do you want to go to your room????" Quatre threatened.

"No," Duo replied quickly as he straightened up.

"Uh, that’s okay," the pizza man said, "I get that a lot."

"What, milk?" Heero smirked, having a vague idea what Duo meant.

"…No," Robin said, eyeing Heero warily. "I get jokes about me being the pizza man a lot."

"Oh, so you dropped the hood?" Duo asked curiously.

"…I never had the hood…" Robin explained slowly. These guys were beginning to scare him….

"Really?" Duo asked, suddenly interested.

"Duo…" Quatre warned.

"You guys are scaring me!" Robin blurted out.

"STOP IT!" Quatre said in his most commanding, frightening, and threatening tone to Duo and Heero.

"What? I didn’t do anything!" Heero said, knowing Quatre meant him, too.

Duo crossed his arms and sulked. "Geez, not my fault pizza man’s a flake."

"Duo!" Quatre shouted.

"Duo got in trouble," Heero whispered, singing.

"Heero, shut up!" Quatre yelled angrily.

"Heero got in trouble," Duo whispered back, singing.

"…So, when do you think the weather will clear up?" Robin asked suddenly.

"Oh, when the blizzard doesn’t frighten the normal weather, I suppose," Duo hinted.

"Um, can I have some milk?" Robin asked again.

"Absolutely," Heero replied immediately. A few seconds later, Heero cupped his hand over his mouth and muttered, "Er, I’ll get it for you."

Duo snickered. Then he thought, "I just thought of something. How do they pasteurize milk?"

Robin’s eyes shone. "Well…" he said as he went on, explaining the whole detailed and exceptionally boring story of homogenization.

"…But I asked about pasteurization," Duo yawned, almost asleep in his fifth piece of pizza.

"…That, too, is an amazing story! In fact…."

Two hours later, Trowa and Duo were both asleep, but Quatre was barely hanging on. Heero was still very attentive.

"…And that’s the amazing story!" Robin finished.

"Really? That’s so wonderful," Heero said with his elbows on the table and chin in his hands. "I’d like to hear more of it sometime."

"…But I told the entire story. I told everything there is to know about pasteurization and homogenization," Robin said, confused.

"It’d make an excellent bedtime story, ne?" Heero winked and smirked.

Robin gave a small ‘eep!’ and fell backwards in his chair.

"Dear Lord!" Quatre exclaimed, suddenly very wide-awake.

"Mmm, when did Quatre go all religious?" Trowa asked sleepily, leaning on Duo.

"Somewhere up your butt and around the corner," Duo answered sleepily, leaning on Trowa.

"What?!" Trowa exclaimed, sitting up straight.

Duo fell right onto the floor, dead asleep.

In the midst of all the confusion, there was a knock on the door.

Helping the pizza man back up, Heero said, "Quatre, get the door."

"Oh all right," Quatre muttered, opening up the door.

In the middle of the huge blizzard, a skinny man with matted blond hair was standing at the door. If that wasn’t particularly odd, then the fact that he was wearing a purple dress with red high heels and red smeared lipstick was.

Quatre, being Quatre, panicked. "Dear, come in! You must be freezing!" What on earth could he be doing out there…and why isn’t he dressed warmly?

"Would you like some candy?" the man said in a strange voice.

"Would you like some candy?" Robin repeated quietly, confused.

"Oh yeah," Heero replied quickly. Then recovering, he said, "Well, of course, ah, you wouldn’t have any candy…you being the pizza man…and all…er, uh, you know, I think I’ll just get some out of the dish…."

Robin coughed slightly.

"Candy?" Quatre asked, setting him on the couch. "Er, why sure." Strangers with candy…

"Candy," the man said, holding out a dead bird.

Quatre stared at the man in shock. …What the…poor bird…what the hell is wrong with him?

"Candy," the man repeated again.

"Man, where are you from?" Duo asked, disgusted, as Trowa (equally disgusted) threw the dead bird outside. What the hell is wrong with him????


"Yes, well, I’d imagine that’s where you would come from…." Duo said, his eyebrow raised and twitching. There’s something…about this man…I can’t quite put my finger on it…

"Beautiful flower," the man said, pointing at Quatre.

Having a blond moment, Quatre looked behind him to see if there were any flowers. Flowers? In Duo’s place?

"Hey…whoa, I think he’s talkin’ about you, Q-man…." Duo muttered, standing behind Quatre on the couch. Trowa was right beside him. I’m interested in finding out where this is leading…

"Oh!" Quatre exclaimed. …Beautiful flower…? "Er, um, do you have a name?


"Yes, a name. A word that someone uses to refer to you," Duo said, giving Trowa a look. Trowa glanced at Duo and nodded solemnly. Good…it’s not just me then…


"My name is Quatre," he said, pointing to himself, emphasizing again. "Quatre."

"Quatre," the man said, pointing to Quatre.

"Good!" Quatre said excitedly.

"So it’s not just me then?" Duo whispered in Trowa’s ear, leading him a couple of feet back.


"…You think that…?" Duo asked as he stared into Trowa’s eyes. So beautiful…and deep.

Trowa nodded.

"Psst, Duo, Trowa, introduce yourselves," Quatre whispered.

"Who’s Psst?" Duo asked randomly.

Trowa grabbed Duo’s arm and led him back to the couch. "…If you must call me anything, call me Trowa."

"And I’m Duo," he said, extending a hand. Duo…Duo Maxwell…in love with Trowa…Trowa Barton…but…that’s not something you need to know. In love with Trowa…one of my friends…and Hilde’s…actually…

The man looked at Duo’s hand and then up to his face.

Withdrawing his hand, Duo shuffled around uncomfortably and leaned on Trowa, muttering under his breath. He and Trowa began to converse quietly in whispers.

"Quatre," he said again, pointing to him. "Beautiful flower."

Going all red, Quatre smiled and giggled. Regaining his composure, he asked the man in a calm voice, "Can you tell me your name?" Oh wow!


"Boink??????" Duo, Trowa, and Quatre exclaimed.

"Boink," the man said, looking pleased with himself.

"Nani?" Heero asked, overhearing them. "Whose name is Boink????"

"Boink," Robin said as he poked Heero’s nose.

"No, no. It’s beep," Heero corrected, poking Robin’s nose back.

"Well I say boink!" Robin replied haughtily, poking Heero’s nose again.

"And I say beep!" Heero said, poking Robin’s nose.

"…If we don’t keep an eye on them, they’re going to be making out soon…." Trowa smirked, feeling warm inside. Perfect. Coincidentally, he turned a blind eye to the two beeping and boinking each other and concentrated on Boink.

Beautiful flower??? Duo thought, still having that on his mind. Well, I suppose Quatre does kind of look like a daisy in a way…

Quatre scooted closer to Boink on the couch and asked, "Where are you from, Boink?"


"Well, that’s a very good place to come from," Quatre agreed. There’s just…something about him…but…but still… "Tell me, why were you out there in the blizzard?

"Looking for beautiful flower for beautiful Quatre," Boink replied as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"Now Boink, you know you were out there long before you met me," Quatre blushed. But still… Dismissing his nagging worry, he added, "Anyway, it doesn’t matter. You’re here now."

"Q-man, we want to talk to you in private," Duo said, dragging Quatre aside.


"Quatre, don’t you think it’s strange that a thoroughly strange looking and strange acting man appeared on out doorstep?????" Duo asked.

"Well, yes. I admit, it is strange…but –"

"Quatre, we’re thinking that Boink might be the insane asylum escapee from this morning’s news," Trowa said softly.

"W-what???" Quatre asked, shocked that they would suggest such a thing. It does explain his behavior…but…but no!

"It fits perfectly with his off behavior," Trowa said, looking at Duo for support.

"…Well…you just don’t know Boink, that’s all!" Quatre said, obviously in denial. They all knew it.

"Quatre…stop being stupid," Duo said bluntly. Sometimes we have to face the things we don’t want to face…and sometimes we learn to accept them and even enjoy them, he thought, glancing at Trowa. He was keeping to himself, obviously pained about Quatre’s innocence and denial.

"…Okay, okay, so what if he is? You’re not calling the police! I forbid it! Besides, they’d have a hell of a time out there in the blizzard. Um…let’s just wait, all right? At least until the weather clears up…. I’ll take care of him until then," Quatre admitted sadly. Then he went over to the couch with Boink, apologizing that their conversation took a while.

Duo and Trowa shook their heads with disappointment. Looking back at Heero and Robin, Duo noticed they were gone.

"Hey…they’re gone!"

"Aah, told you," Trowa smirked suggestively at him, taking Duo’s hand in his.

"Please tell me, Boink, how long have you been out there in the snow?" Quatre asked loudly.

"Last night. Late," Boink answered, staring at Quatre’s hand.

Quatre shot a sad and disappointed look to Duo and Trowa who nodded solemnly.

A few hours of talking to Boink and getting him into warmer clothes (he didn’t even ask how he got the dress), Quatre suggested that all of them play a game.

"Game?" Boink asked.

"You want to get Robin and Heero, be my guest," Trowa told Quatre.

"And Wufei," Quatre added.

"Wufei?" Duo scoffed. "The only thing he knows how to play is Old Maid and I’m not in the mood for that." Though, the game does hold hidden appeal. Looking to Trowa, Duo smiled to himself.

"I’m old maid," Boink stated.

"You are not," Quatre said quickly. "I’m going to get Robin and Heero. Duo, Trowa, pick an easy game Boink could probably play."

"You mean he’s playing, too???" Duo exclaimed as Quatre left. Aw man, we might be stuck playing Old Maid after all…if that’s not too hard…

"…Boink," Trowa began slowly. "Do you know how to play cards?"

Boink nodded.

Getting out a deck of cards, Trowa continued, "And what games can you play?"

Almost automatically like a machine, Boink rattled off almost every single card game ever. "But poker best."

Dumbstruck, Duo and Trowa nodded and said softly, "…Poker it is."

…Quite impressive, Trowa thought, smirking.

Quatre came back with Heero and the pizza man. "Have you guys decided on a game?" he asked as everyone sat down at the table.

"Yep, Boink wants to play poker," Duo said.

"Are you sure Boink wants to play poker?" Quatre asked as he narrowed his eyes at the braided boy.

"Yeah, seriously! We’re not lying!" Duo exclaimed honestly as Trowa nodded. We’ll just see how good he actually is…

Shrugging, Quatre said, "Okay."

"Hey, I think we should play strip poker," Heero said suggestively, smirking at Robin.

"I agree," Trowa said.

"Well the Robin the Pizza with no manhood is the closest we can come to a girl besides Boink ("I’m pretty"), so okay," Duo shrugged as he smirked at Robin.

"Robin the Pizza with no manhood," Heero repeated quietly as he tried not to laugh.

The pizza man just fumed, muttering, "I’ll show you all. Robin the Pizza does have a manhood!"

After about ten minutes of playing, Duo had lost his shirt, socks, and pants and was sitting there, very cold. Trowa had lost his shirt only while Quatre had only lost his socks. Heero had lost his shirt and socks while Robin had (like Duo) lost his shirt, socks, pants, and not to mention his cool little pizza hat. Boink, amazingly, hadn’t lost a single thing.

Duo, still very cold, glared at Boink, trying to find his secret to winning. Trowa kept telling Duo that it was perfectly okay if he lost. He’d still be the God of Death either way. Quatre was congratulating Boink on winning yet another game, while Heero tried to persuade the pizza man to bet his last article of clothing.

"Okay, who wants to play another game?" Quatre asked.

"Not me," Duo and Robin said in unison.

"Aw come on," Heero tried.

"No!" Robin shouted, getting all red. "…If I lose…!"

"It’s okay. Really it is. If you win (which you probably won’t) you’ll get to keep your clothes. If you lose (and you probably will) you’ll be able to show everyone how you’re Robin the Pizza Manhood," Heero smirked. "Works out either way."

"WORKS OUT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!" Robin blurted, turning crimson.

Trowa started laughing as Robin huffed to Heero’s room. "I don’t think that’s where he really wants to be," he snickered. He laughed really hard as Heero followed.

"You really laugh at the oddest times, you know that?" Duo muttered as elbowed Trowa.

"You know what? I think we’ll just quit the game. It’s getting late," Quatre said.

"Good idea," Duo said as he gathered his clothes and made his way back to his room, suddenly getting very nervous. Trowa… At the corner of his eye, however, he was able to see something pink and squishy run to the bathroom. Oh dear…Trowa’s shrimp catastrophe…we’ll be picking up the pieces tomorrow…

Walking into his room, he left the light off and let his eyes adjust to the darkness. Feeling arms wrap around his waist from behind and lips kiss his neck, Duo muttered, "Trowa…."

"…Koibito," Trowa whispered as he lightly bit Duo’s earlobe.

Duo sighed as they slid his last article of clothing off and Trowa lightly pushed him onto the bed. He moaned softly as he felt Trowa climb on top of him, kissing, and letting his hands wander. They’re cold.

He’s so warm. Trowa let his lips capture Duo’s in a sweet rapture as his hands wandered and explored below.

His head was dizzy and he could barely see as he felt Trowa’s warm tongue move aggressively in his mouth – countering his own aggressiveness. He knew his hands were trying to slide Trowa’s pants off, but his whole body felt like putty as Trowa’s hands felt of him…softly caressing…touching…rubbing…. Like putty in his hands.

Breaking the kiss, Trowa looked into Duo’s eyes, his breathing jagged and rough. They paused…looking into each other’s eyes…Duo’s wide and soft…Trowa’s hard and deep. The contrast of their eyes drove him off the edge as he passionately kissed Duo’s lips, sending them deep off into the night.


Duo, half-asleep, heard Quatre’s screeching voice in the morning. His door was open just a crack and the light from the hall seeped into his room. Rolling over, he saw Trowa beside him, quietly listening.

"Good morning," he whispered.

"Good morning," Duo whispered back, snuggling against him. His body’s so warm. Trowa’s arms wrapped around him and his lips pressed against Duo’s temple. But his hands are like ice.

"You what????"

He heard Heero’s calm, but terse voice say something indistinct.

"God, my body aches from last night," Duo muttered quietly into Trowa’s neck.

"My legs are killing me," Trowa whispered as he smirked and kissed Duo’s eyelids.

So soft and sweet.

"…You slept with the pizza man??????????"

"Hai!" Heero said angrily. "And I don’t think it’s any of your goddamn business!"

Chuckling, Trowa muttered, "I suppose we’re lucky that Quatre tried to walk in to make Heero’s bed first instead of yours."

"No, it’s not, but Heero! He’s the pizza man!" Quatre screeched. "How could you????"

"Quatre, there are just some situations where you can’t help but to fall in love in. Mauling the pizza man and taking his clothes is one of them."

Love… Duo thought as he gazed up at Trowa. His lips pressed softly against Duo’s as he thought again, love…

"So????" Quatre exclaimed, still angry. "Imagine what the neighbors would think!!!!"

"The neighbors would think there’s a ******* blizzard outside!!!!! They don’t give a ****!" Heero exclaimed.

Why Duo heard little asterisks where Heero was supposed to be swearing, he didn’t know. He suspected it was Quatre’s doing, though.

"Trowa…I…" Duo said, suddenly becoming shy. …Trowa…

Looking into his eyes, Trowa gave a small smile and nuzzled Duo’s near with his nose. Koibito.

"Trowa, I love you."

"I love you, too," Trowa said as he kissed him tenderly.

"Well what about you and – what’s his name – Boink????" Heero said, still arguing with Quatre.

"Well–! …Well–! …At least he’s not the pizza man!" Quatre exclaimed.

Trowa muttered something and slid off the bed, grabbing a robe and putting it on. "I suppose we should save Heero, ne?"

Yawning, Duo nodded as Trowa tossed him another robe.

"He’s an insane asylum escapee for the love of God!" Heero exclaimed.

"You don’t know that!!!!!!!!!!!"

Stepping out of Duo’s room, Trowa leaned against the doorframe and Duo leaned against him in turn. "Shut up, both of you."

"Well, Quatre’s the one who started freaking out about it!!!!" Heero exclaimed.

"Heero, Quatre freaks out if you forget to make the bed. What in hell makes you think he wouldn’t freak out about you and Robin?" Trowa asked, yawning.

"Yeah well, what about you and ‘Boink?’" Heero asked.

"Boink slept in my bed and I slept on the couch!" Quatre exclaimed. "I was being hospitable."

"Well, I was being hospitable, too! …Only I also slept in my bed, also…." Heero muttered. He noticed Duo in his robe leaning against Trowa, who was also in a robe. "…You two are…?"

Quatre nodded as Duo put his arms around Trowa. "Since yesterday," Quatre muttered.

Heero nodded slightly and looked back to his room, seeing the sleeping pizza man in his bed. "It’s all right."

Leaning his head on Trowa’s shoulder, Duo muttered, "Hilde’s right…. It is quite possible for friends to fall in love." H-Hilde’s right…Hilde’s right…somehow, that doesn’t sound as bad as it seems.

Quatre nodded.

Knocking on the door interrupted them all.

Opening the door, they saw two men in white with a white truck holding a straightjacket. Duo immediately backed away.

"Excuse me," the first man said. "We just got a call about an hour ago. Somebody from your household told us that you have our escapee, Bob, here."

"W-w-who????" Quatre asked, enraged. "Who told you????"

"…I did," Wufei said, stepping out of his room. "See, he was in this house, and he came to my window ("That was Heero, Wuff-man") and tried to get me!"

"We’re not going to hurt him or anything. We just need to get him back to the asylum," the second man said calmly. "Where’s Bob?"

"H-his name is Boink!" Quatre started to cry.

"Hey, the colony fixed the weather and the snow’s gone. I thought I’d come over…what’s with the men in white? Did Duo finally lose it????" Hilde asked as she came in.

"No, ma’am. Just taking Bob back to the asylum," the second man said as he winked at her. She blushed.

"Thank NATAKU you’re here!" Wufei said, throwing himself at the feet of the first man. "He was SO scary!"

"How would you know???? You were asleep and quite delirious the whole time!!!!!" Heero said angrily. I really liked Boink, too.

"Hey, do us a favor?" Duo asked the first man. "Take him with you. A little scare my friend gave him really threw it out of him."

"…Oh, okay," the first man said. "Come on…uh, ("Wufei") Wufei. Come on, you’re coming with us."

"Really?" Wufei asked excitedly. He clung to the man’s arm. As he turned away, the others saw something pink and squishy stuck to the back of Wufei’s head.

"Psst, Trowa, isn’t that your shrimp disaster?" Duo whispered.


Heero and Quatre just let the whole thing slide.

"Bob, come on. We need to go back home," the second man said gently.

"Boink go home," Boink said as he left Quatre’s embrace and followed the man. "Bye bye, beautiful flower Quatre."

"B-bye bye, B-Boink," Quatre sobbed, inside and out. "I’ll come visit you, okay?"

"Beautiful flower visit," Boink smiled as he got in the back of the truck with Wufei.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Hilde asked as the second man got in the truck.

"Yeah?" he said as he winked at her and made her blush again.


Robin emerged from Heero’s room, dressed in his pizza uniform. "Uhh, I saw that the snow had melted…so, uh…I’m going back to the shop."

"All right, Robin the Pizza Manhood," Duo smirked. He’s not so bad after all.

Robin smiled and rolled his eyes. As he got to the door, he turned around and turned red. "I feel really stupid saying this, but…you…you didn’t tip me."

Heero’s eyes twinkled. Grabbing the pizza man by his shirt, he muttered, "I’ll tip you," and dragged him away to someplace private.

"…Well!" Duo concluded. "Hee-chan tipped the pizza man."

Trowa put on a suggestive gaze and locked eyes with Duo. "How would you like tipping, koibito?"

"I would like that very, very much," Duo smirked as Trowa picked him up and carried him off to his room.

Back to Hilde and the man in white….

…Hilde had finished telling him the whole situation with Duo and everybody. "I did some research of what they did on Earth and found something very startling. It definitely explains why all of them loved Duo."

"Must be something in the water over there," he said with interest. "What was it?"

"Well…." Hilde began, but before she could say anything, she was hit and knocked out by a big, fat THE END!

[Rei-chan's Dirty Books]