I never thought he would find that letter. I mean who goes digging through their roommate's private things? But it's gone now, so he must have taken it, but why? Why keep it when by doing so he knows I'll find it missing? I never thought anyone would find my private journal. Every thought I have goes into it. I figured by recording my own voice I would remember exactly how I feel each day. But now he's found it. I wonder what he thinks of it?
So now here I sit waiting for him to come home, I don't know what to say, or what to do. What will he think? That all I ever dream of is him? That every time our eyes meet I feel my heart start to beat faster? Maybe I should just leave now. Before he comes back. Before he has a chance to react. But I just can't. I have to know what he feels, what he thinks about it. Maybe there's a chance he feels the same way. Did I want him to find it?
Heero Yuy, you're an idiot. I glare at myself in the mirror over the dresser. That braided boy has gotten hold of you. He probably doesn't feel anything for me. I mean what am I but a killer? But I'll sit here and wait for him despite that. I should never have written down how I felt. I should never have written that letter. I only wrote it for myself, I wanted to get all of my feelings in place, to hold them on paper. I think I hoped I wouldn't feel them that way. But I still feel them. I think I love Duo Maxwell.
I could just self-destruct for that thought. But it's what he has found. That letter. Damn. For one of the first times in my life I feel like running from something. It's not a good feeling. For all the emotions I feel this has to be one of the worst. I know he can't love me. That's why I never gave him the letter. He's to good, to pure in his heart for me. I've been trained to kill and only kill. I was never trained to love.
But I can't help but hope. What if by some miracle he loves me to? But why would he when all I have ever done is shown coldness towards him? I wonder if he can ever see past that defense. Every time I tell him he's an idiot, or he's done something wrong, I wonder if he can see the lie in my eyes? Sometimes it almost feels like he knows, but maybe that is just my lonely heart giving me hope. I don't deserve to hope. A future past this war is not for me. What would I do? I am a soldier, the perfect soldier. But how can the perfect soldier feel something like this? Something this dangerous.
I still feel like running, but I won't. I'm stronger than this. Even if he rejects me I will survive and go on. Though I think a part of me will be lost forever. I don't know why I love him. I never planned it, it just happened. Sometimes I swear it was love at first sight.Even though he shot me, he was so beautiful. There was just something about him, something I had never encountered before.
Maybe it's his will to live in spite of everything he's been through. He never lets circumstances get him down. He never gives up on life. His mission is to live, and mine is just an excuse to die. If I had never met him would I be anything like what I am now? Probably not, I think he's passed on that will to live. I think that's one of the many reasons I feel so much for him. I'm thankful; he's made me go on with life.
I can hear the front door slam. I remain standing in front of the mirror. I'm waiting, I won't go to him. I need him to come to me this time. I need him to tell me, tell me he loves me. I can hear footsteps on the stairs, coming down the hall towards me. I remain with my back to the door. I can see it in the mirror. The door opens, and he's here. In this dark room with me, he looks like hell.
Without saying a word he walks to me, I look into his eyes. It looks like he's been burned, lost, wounded. Damn, I can feel rejection already. I don't want to face this, I can't. I should leave now, while I still have the chance. But my feet remained glued to the floor. He's still looking at me, unmoving, mute. I wonder what he's thinking right now. That everything I've said to him is a lie? That I should never have stayed here, to face him. Maybe he wishes I were gone.
I lower my gaze from his, I can't take it anymore. I don't think he's going to say anything to me. Maybe he thinks we should just forget about it. But how can I? How can I go back to acting the same way around him now that he knows how I feel? That I feel at all. Some perfect soldier I am. I can't even hide my feelings from him anymore.
I turn my back on him and start to walk away. Better this; better to never see him again. It will be an empty life without him near me. Giving me hope. But I can handle it. I'll have to, but I won't have to live for long after this war. Maybe I won't even have to live through this war.
I'm half way out down the hall, heading towards the stairs when he calls my name. I'm tempted to not turn to him. But I can't stop my body as it moves to be near him. We stand in the dark hall; I can hear my pulse beating through my body. He says my name again quietly. I can see the emotions written all over his face. He takes my hand in his and looks me in the eyes. And I know I haven't been rejected. He would never turn his back on me. I can see all the love he has ever felt for me. All it took was this one touch. It has always been love.
As he moves to hold me, I don't hold myself back this time. There is no longer any point to playing the endless game I've been playing. He's always seen right through me. I know this now as he embraces me. There is no need for words, no need for doubts. He tells me we need to talk. But I know what we really need to do is stop talking and start listening, we need to listen with our hearts. They've always been truthful.
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