Site hosted by Build your free website today!

Without You


[The sun is shining
But I don't feel the rays
The boats are sailing
But I don't want to play]

Six months have passed since Duo left with that baka, Wufei. I'm doing just fine. I don't need him at all. I wish Quatre would stop hovering over me like I'm some sick bird with a broken wing. As long as I have my missions, something to blow up or kill, I'm just fine. I'm always fine until I get the letters. Why does he insist on sending them? It accomplishes nothing but to piss me off, then Quatre comes running in like some nursemaid. Why won't they leave me alone? Don't they believe I'm fine?

Ah, hell, who am I fooling?


[I don't think I can make it
Without you
I don't think I can make it
Without you]



I know you don't want to hear from me.
But I'm going to continue to write you until some of this sinks into your thick skull! I'm sorry we had to end. I love you, you know. But your love was oppressive. There were too many rules for me to keep and still keep my sanity.

Despite what you think, Wufei and I are not together. I think he would like for it to be more, but you still have my heart. We all still have to work together you know. There is still a war on. Wufei has been trading missions that has the potential of running into you. I'll tell him to stop if you can promise me that we can meet in a neutral place and talk.

If you want to do that, let Quatre or Trowa know. They know how to contact me.




[I live life in luxury
But I believe it's a crime
When you can't enjoy it
And all the time cry
Or maybe some kind of spell
Cause it feels like a curse
Where there's so much water
But all the time thirst]

This has to be ... what ... the thirtieth letter from him I've burned? I see Trowa carefully watching from a safe distance. I'm sure he reports back to Duo on a regular basis. I tried following him once, but that damn circus boy can be pretty elusive when he wants to be.

I should probably leave Quatre's mansion. I know there are times when I make Quatre really uncomfortable. He doesn't say it outright, but I think he's firmly on Duo's side in this matter. I don't see that the rules I made Duo live by were all that restrictive. I guess someone might think I was being overly protective of our relationship. Duo is my world, my lifeline. I thought he felt the same. When I'm with him, there is no outside world. There is no war. No death. Only love and peace when we were cocooned together in our rooms.

He wanted the company of the others. I don't blame them. I like them as well. But they were to me just constant reminders that there was still a war on. Although I am a soldier, I just get tired of war sometimes. Of course, if it ended all today, what would happen to me? I'm scarcely accountant material. Civilian life is too alien for me. Not for Duo. He'll survive well in the real world, I was just hoping he'd help me when the time came.

I've promised myself I wouldn't stalk Duo. I may be touched in the head, but not crazy enough to really hurt him. I'm sure he thinks I'd kill him. I know I've threatened it enough, but not now. He'd probably laughed if he knew how totally whipped I am because of him.


[I don't think I can make it
Without you
I don't think I can make it
Without you]


How funny is this? Trowa is trying to teach me how to be human! I was burning my forty-fifth letter from Duo, when Trowa decided to speak to me. 'Are you ready to forgive yet?' he asked.

I don't know how to forgive, was my answer. 'It won't be easy, but allow me to show you,' was his reply. And he did.


[My mind is a courthouse
My soul is a jail
My life is on death row
Cause you are not there
I need a pardon
I can't stand the pain
What I'd do for your love now
If there's love to regain]


I'm supposed to meet Duo at a restaurant nearby. I wonder if he'll be alone or with Wufei... Wufei. What a sap. I know he loves Duo, but Duo is remaining out of his grasp because of me. Because Duo still loves me. If Wufei was smart, he would have done with I did. Grabbed the baka and force him to see you. I can almost hear Wufei arguing that wouldn't be just.

Trowa was right. Forgiveness is hard. I don't know how he managed it, but he's somehow convinced me that virtually imprisoning someone as an act of love is wrong. That punishing through violence was even worse. So I've been trying to get a handle on my rage. I hope I can keep it together for this meeting. The point of this meeting is not for me to forgive Duo, but for Duo to forgive me. I was the ass in this situation, I must accept the consequences.


[I don't think I can make it
Without you
I don't think I can make it
Without you]


Dammit, why does he have to be so beautiful? I had pretty much blotted out what he looked like in my mind's eye. He's alone but I'm sure Wufei is probably hiding in some corner. Probably whatever corner Trowa is hiding in.

Duo is having trouble meeting my eye. I think he feels I'm going to hit him. I want to reach out to touch him but I'm afraid he'll cringe in fear of my touch. If he did that, I would die. I tell him, I'm sorry I made our relationship so oppressive. I didn't mean to make it so. I just know so little about love, having never really had it before. I know it's stupid of me to wish, but I wish we could try again. Duo, teach me how to love.

I wasn't prepared to see him cry. It tore into my soul. I'm confused as to why he is crying. I reach out to wipe away a tear. He doesn't cringe. He suddenly grabs me and hugs me tightly. I hold him equally as tight and my senses reel from his scent. I feel ... tears in my eyes? God, is there hope?

Duo is moving back to Quatre's safehouse. Wufei declined to return. Duo is staying in Wufei's room and we are trying to find our way back to each other. It won't be easy. But most missions seldom are.


Return to Reiko-chan's Dirty Books