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Umi & Hiraku's Newlywed Game

Talya Firedancer

Part 1

The screen opens up on a brightly-lit, obscenely cheerful, psychedelic
forest set in Cefiro, land of will, where dreams CAN come true!  Behind
four huge mushroom caps sit four couples, screened by the darkness of
overshadowing trees.  Perky, upbeat music swells and plays in the
background as Umi, a cheerful girl with long blue hair and clothes
color-coordinated to match, and Hikaru, a sprightly girl with a long red
braid and clothes yet again color-coordinated, bounce onstage, grinning
and waving at the audience.  Both girls are dressed in their magic armor.

"Konnichiwa, minna-san!" Umi chirped brightly, waving at the audience.

"Konnichiwa, Umi-chan!" the audience calls back, refusing to chirp.

"Haa~i!  Welcome to our *drumroll* very first episode of. . ." Hikaru
begins. . .

"Umi and Hikaru's Newlyweds Game!" Umi and Hikaru chorus cutely.

Someone makes a retching noise from the direction of the mushroom caps.

"I heard that!" Umi snapped, waving a fist angrily in the air.  A chuckle
was her only answer.

Mokona bounced onto the soundstage, "puu"ing exuberantly.

"And Mokona's Newlywed game!" Hikaru cried happily, as Mokona jumped into
her arms.

"Here comes the puffball who thinks he owns the show. . ." Umi said

"PUU!" Mokona puu-ed defiantly from Hikaru's arms.

"Time to meet our contestants!" Umi said, steadfastly ignoring the
creature.  "Our first couple is. . ."  She shuffled through her cue cards,
then looked panicked.  "Um, Hikaru. . ."

The two girls stared at the notecards together, blinked up at the
audience, and sweatdropped.  Then they face-vaulted, whispering urgently
together, and gulped.

"Ano. . .it appears that most of our couples. . .um. . . seem to be men,"
Hikaru said unsteadily.

"Aaugh!  That's so. . .ecchi!  I didn't sign on for a yaoi show!" Umi
blurted, blushing furiously.

"Too late," Hikaru said with a note of desperate finality.

"Well our first couple. . .ano. . .our first couple. . ." Umi began

"Get on with it, you nitwit," growled an anonymous male voice.

"Who said that!?" Umi demanded, turning red.

Hikaru sighed and grabbed the cue card.  She gulped.  "Our first couple is
Duo and Heero, from Gundam Wing."

"Puu!" Mokona cheered, as screams of anguish emitted from the audience
from all the disappointed non-yaoi GWing fans.  A spotlight shone over Duo
and Heero as the brown-braided pilot glomped on the Japanese pilot.

"Arrgh!  Duo! Get off me!" Heero growled, shoving him back onto his
mushroom cap seat.

Duo pouted.

"Eewww. . ." Umi managed, then held up the next card.  "Our next couple is
Kurama and Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho."  More screams were heard from the
audience, these ones raucous and congratulatory.

"Ometedou, Kurama!  Way to go!  Pin 'im down and tie the knot!" someone
cheered from the audience.

"Who said that!?" Hiei demanded, glowering evilly, batting absently at
Kurama's wandering hands.

Kurama just smirked from his close position to Hiei and wound an arm
around his waist.

"Right. . .uh, yeah," Umi said faintly, passing a card to Hikaru.

"Next contestants, Nuriko and Hotohori of Fushigi Yuugi fame!" Hikaru
called, as with a sweeping motion of her arm the gorgeous pair of bishonen
were illuminated.  More screams were heard, some in horror, some cheering

"Nuriko, how *could* you!" Shawnna B. and Mnekov wept, wringing their

Giullia whistled and clapped.  "Way to go, Nuriko!  I hope he makes you
happy as you deserve, my love, my Hotohori-sama!"

Nuriko just snuggled up to Hotohori, starry-eyed.

"How could Nuriko resist such beauty as mine?" Hotohori murmured softly.

"PUU!" Mokona blurted in disgust as Umi and Hikaru fell over.

"You said it," Hiei agreed with the little creature, eyeing the sparkling
emperor.  "I thought *Kurama* was vain!"

"Hey!" Kurama protested.

"Moving on," Umi plowed on determinedly, getting up and brushing off her
long blue skirt.  Her face brightened.  "On to our last couple!  They're
not yaoi!"

"You got a problem, or something?" Heero demanded in a dangerous tone.

"No, no!" Umi waved her hands frantically, turning red again.

"Our next couple is Miaka and Tamahome, also from FY!"

More cheering was heard, as the genki brown-haired girl and her handsome
seishi husband were illuminated in the spotlight.  Miaka smiled and waved

"In the interests of speeding the game along," Hikaru continued smoothly,
elbowing Umi who had begun to fight with Mokona, "we have already asked
the contestants separately all their questions that their spouses must
answer."  She elbowed Umi again, who started and clutched her cue card.

"Since. . .um. . .most of our couples are M/M, we're differentiating them
by longest-haired partner."  Umi looked vaguely queasy.

"Hey!" Nuriko and Hotohori protested simultaneously, looking up.  "Which
of US gets to be the guy?"  They both pointedly flipped back their long,
glorious hair.

Hikaru and Umi conferred hastily.

"Nuriko, because he used to cross-dress," came the final verdict.

"Okay, minna-san!" Hikaru exclaimed cheerily, fanning out a sheaf of
cards.  "We're asking the first round of questions to the designated
"guys."  Your significant other has already answered, and has a printed
card in his/her lap.  Each correct answer gets ten points!"

Heero glared at Duo.  "We had better win this," he growled dreadfully.

"Then you'd better get the answer right!" Duo responded cheekily.

Hikaru cleared her throat, holding up a card.  "Okay guys - first
question.  What was the situation of your first kiss?  Heero?"

Umi looked faint.  "I think I'm gonna be sick. . ."

Heero glowered.  "Well, it started with a game of strip poker. . ." he

"Shut up!" Umi yelped.  "That's enough!"  She sweatdropped.  Mokona puu-ed
angrily at her.

Hikaru sweatdropped.  "Well, Duo-kun?" she prompted.

Duo held up his card, grinning widely.  On it was scrawled messily, *Well,
it all began with this game of strip poker. . .* and squiggled off.
Undoubtedly Umi had squelched him, too.

"Good!  Ten points!" Hikaru beamed.  Duo gave Heero an ecstatic kiss,
which the Japanese pilot permitted with a stony expression.  "Hiei?"

The little Koorime scowled, folding his arms defiantly.  "Well. . .I was
really drunk one night. . .and I fell into his room and asked him about
kissing. . ."

Kurama raised his eyebrows, holding up his card.  *Kissed me the morning
after he stayed with me all night, because I called for him in my sleep,
after he'd carried me home from a fight,* it read.

"Nani!?" Hiei spluttered.

"Psst!" someone from the audience called.  "You're getting confused with
Windlily-san's fic!"

"Oh," Hiei replied, crestfallen.  He glared at Kurama, who glared right

"Sorry guys, no points for that one!" Hikaru smiled.  "Hotohori-sama?"

"A-ano. . ." Hotohori stammered, flushing.  "That's private!"

"Well I'm sorry bu-" Hikaru began, but Nuriko beamed, flipping up his card
where he'd scrawled *That's private! <blush>*

Umi and Hikaru conferred in whispers.

"Saa, I guess that's okay," Hikaru chirped.  "Tamahome?"

The blue-haired seishi looked up, smiling.  "Our first kiss was in
Kutou-koku, when I tried to rescue Miaka and Yui.  I finally told her I
loved her, and kissed her to the sound of a little music box."

The audience sighed dreamily.

Miaka face-vaulted and scowled at him.  "Baka!"  She held up her card.
*When Tamahome rescued me from the Emperor's palanquin guards, he kissed
my forehead and I started to disappear.*

"Shimatta!" Tamahome wailed, feeling the prize ryuu starting to slip from
his fingers.

"Baka!  Baka!"  Miaka pounded him over the head with her card.

"Next question!" Umi announced loudly, eyeing her card.  She turned red
again.  "I can't believe this!" she wailed.  "Why do *I* have to get the
ecchi question!?"

"Just read it," Hiei snapped curtly.

Umi fumed.  "The next q. . .que. . .question," she stuttered, then gulped.
"Is, what is your significant other's biggest turn-on?"  Umi turned green,
starting to hyperventilate.

Heero started to smile, slowly.  "Well, he seems to like zero G a lot. .

Umi made strangling noises, turning bluer than her hair, and Mokona puu-ed

"But I'd have to say tying him up," he finished seriously.

Umi and Hikaru clapped their hands over their ears and fell over.  Mokona
bounced around merrily, trilling "pu-pu-puu-puu-pu!"

"I didn't hear that.  I did NOT just hear that," Umi declared adamantly.

Duo grinned happily and held up his card, flashing a sly grin at the
madly-cheering audience.  *I like it when Heero ties me up.*

"Look at it," Hikaru reminded Umi.

"You look at it!" Umi hissed furiously.

"Uh-uh!  It's your question!  You look at it!"

They stood toe-to-toe, glaring, sparks crackling along their line of

Finally Umi peeked at Duo's card between the cracks of her fingers.  "Ten
points!" she squeaked.  "Hiei?"

"Anything," Hiei responded at once, scowling.

Umi blinked.  "Excuse me?"

"Anything turns him on," Hiei clarified.  The audience whooped raucously.
Kurama blew kisses and held up his card.  *Everything about Hiei.*

"Awww. . ." the audience sighed.

Umi conferred with Hikaru.

"Close enough," she proclaimed.  "Hotohori-sama?"

"My handsome good looks," the bishonen emperor sighed, and Nuriko gazed
adoringly at him.  He wiped away a line of drool and displayed his card.
*My beautiful Hotohori-sama.*

"That's obviously a winner," Umi shrugged.  "Tamahome?"

"Uh. . ."  The Suzaku seishi was at a loss.  Suddenly he brightened.
"Whenever I rescue Miaka, and show my strength and fighting skills!"

Miaka smiled ecstatically, holding up her card.  *When Tamahome fights to
save me!* she'd scribbled on it, with little hearts and stars and a red
'oni' symbol.

Tamahome grinned with relief and hugged her as Umi announced, "Ten

"Ahem!  Next question!" Hikaru called out, holding up another cue card.
"What is your spouse's favorite food?"

Heero glowered at Duo, who beamed innocently back at him.  "K'so."

"Uh. . ." Hikaru and Umi face-vaulted.  "That doesn't count as an answer."

"I know that, baka," Heero sneered.  "I'm trying to think."

Duo looked a little crestfallen.

"A hot fudge sundae," Heero guessed.  He looked stony-faced.  "On me."

Umi gagged.

Duo grinned happily, his faith in his infallible spouse restored.  *A hot
fudge sundae slathered all over Heero's chest.*

The audience roared its approval.  Hikaru looked a little uneasy.  "Um,
okay, ten points.  Hiei?"

Hiei grinned, flashing a little bit of fang.  "A Fudgesicle," he replied

Kurama blew him kisses, holding up his card.  *The Fudgesicles Hiei steals
for me.*  He tossed the card away and glomped onto Hiei, smothering him
with amorous kisses.  Hiei struggled.  Not too hard, it could be noted.

The audience cheered.  Some members of the YSML offered some suggestions
that made Umi and Hikaru blush and sink towards the ground.

"Okay!" Hikaru proclaimed, making frantic shushing motions at the
audience.  Mokona bounced on her shoulders, puu-ing.  "Hotohori-sama?"

"Sugar cubes," the handsome young emperor replied.  "Especially when I
feed them to him myself."

"Wai!  I'm so shameless!" Nuriko swooned, half in Hotohori's lap, fanning
himself with the card.  *Sugar cubes that Ho-ri-sama feeds me.*

"Another perfect score!" Hikaru applauded, then turned to the last couple.

Tamahome heaved a huge sigh.  "ANY food. . ."

Miaka grinned and held up her card.  *Food!  Food!  Itadekimasu!*

Hikaru considered it.  "I suppose that counts," she conceded.

"Next question!" Umi announced, then she gawked at her cue card.  "Why
me?" she asked forlornly.

"PUU!" Mokona replied.  "PupupupuPUU!"

"I'm gonna smash you!" Umi yelled, pulling a mallet out of hammerspace.
Hikaru quickly snatched the creature up and cradled it to her chest,
stopping Umi short.

"All right," she sighed.  "What was your most exotic date?"  She pulled a
long face.

"That's not that bad!" Hikaru replied.

"Eh. . ." Umi sweatdropped, eyeing Heero nervously.

Heero stared back.  "Quatre gave us these tickets for Christmas, to this
um, place in California where you can. . ."

"That's enough!" Umi blurted, turning an interesting shade of green.
Hikaru got really wide-eyed.

Silently Duo displayed his card, giving a thumb's up to the audience, who
cheered.  *That really neat S&M place in California that Quatre bought us
tickets for a Christmas gift to.*

Hikaru and Umi turned bright red.  "Hiei?" Umi squeaked.

"Exotic?" Hiei said dubiously.  Kurama gave him a vaguely beatific smile.

"Yeah, stupid, a date!" Umi snapped.

"Look, who are you calling stupid, you fuku-" Hiei began heatedly, until
Kurama tugged gently on his arm, frowning.  Hiei scowled darkly at his

"Does the time I took Kurama to that big French restaurant and flipped
escargot halfway across the room count?" Hiei inquired hopefully.

"Let's find out," Umi gestured, looking relieved it wasn't anything like
Heero's answer.

Kurama flipped his card over.  *When we went to a French restaurant, and
the stubborn little fire demon wouldn't ask how to eat escargot, flung it
halfway across the room, then torched the rest of the appetizers in a fit
of frustration.  We got kicked out.*

"Hey!" Hiei growled angrily at his mate's description, but the growl was
swallowed into Kurama's throat as the red-haired fox bussed him

Hikaru grinned but Umi still looked queasy.  "Next couple!

The young Emperor looked troubled for an instant, then smiled.  "Chichiri
pretended to be me, and Nuriko took me for a night out on the town.
*ahem* and got me drunk on his 'Nuriko Specials,' " he finally said, while
Nuriko grinned mischievously.

"That was our first real date!" Nuriko added happily.  He flipped over his
card, which read *Chiri-chan spelled the Emperor so we could go out into
the capital and get blasted."  The audience cheered.

"Hardly exotic," Umi said in a pained tone.

"Ten points!" Hikaru shrugged, turning to Tamahome.  "Tamahome?"

The seishi thought about that for awhile.  "Well. . .I was meeting Miaka
for a nice date in the park, and we ended up in the Shijintenchisho

Miaka positively grinned.  *We met in the park, but Suzaku called us and
our date ended up in the book.  No kisses!*

Umi and Hikaru conferred, and decided that was close enough.

"That concludes our first round!" Umi announced, while Mokona puu-ed
agreeably.  "So far, the score is Heero-Duo, 40 points, Hiei-Kurama, 30
points, Hotohori-Nuriko, 40 points, and Miaka-Tamahome, 30 points!"

Duo jumped on Heero, eliciting another yelp from him, and Hotohori allowed
Nuriko to hug him ecstatically.  Both those couples were in the lead.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?  Will Miaka and Tamahome drown the other
contestants in sap?  Would Nuriko and Hotohori win a beauty contest?  Will
Hiei unleash the Kokuryuuha on Mokona?  Will Heero wire Cefiro with
explosives and blow it to hell, just to win the game?

Part 2

Duo jumped on Heero, eliciting another yelp from him, and Hotohori allowed
Nuriko to hug him ecstatically.  Both those couples were in the lead.

"Next round is for the ladies!" Hikaru announced, and was confronted with
three pairs of glaring eyes.  "Um, I mean, the female-designated spouses,"
she amended hastily.

"That's better," Duo muttered.

"Duo-kun, your turn first!  The first question for this round is, what is
your husband's most commonly-used phrase?"

"That's easy!" Duo replied happily, then glared out at the audience.
"Omae wa korosu," he uttered, narrowing his eyes and adopting a chilling

The audience went wild.

Heero glared at him, then glared at the audience, who tittered nervously
and fell silent.

He flipped over his card.  *Shut up, Duo,* it read.  He glared some more
at his spouse.

"You do not!" Duo protested, flabbergasted.  "You threaten to kill me all
the time!  And I do mean, ALL the time!"

"I tell you to shut up all the time!" Heero yelled back.  "You talk too
much, Duo!  Even in the middle of - "

"Stop!" Umi and Hikaru yelled, aghast.

"-the night," Heero finished, flicking his eyes at the jittering pair of
Magic Knights.  "Dammit, Duo!  We might lose now!  Omae wa korosu!"

"See!  See!?" Duo shouted at him, getting out of his seat and dancing with
fury.  "You ALWAYS say that!"

They started pounding on each other.

"Ano. . .moving along," Hikaru said faintly, astonished.  "Kurama-san?
What does your spouse say most often?"

Kurama drew his brows together in a fierce scowl.  "Hn.  Stupid fox," he
mimicked Hiei, lowering his voice gruffly.

Hiei glared at him and held up his card.  *Hn.  Stupid fox,* it read.

Kurama laughed and hugged him.  Hiei submitted to the embrace with a
faintly suffering expression.

"Aww. . ." Hikaru grinned, while Mokona puu-ed happily.  Umi made retching
noises.  "Ten points!  Nuriko?"

Nuriko smiled a wicked little grin.  " 'Oh, I am so beautiful!  No one can
match my beauty!' " he mimicked his spouse, even coming close to his

Hotohori lifted an eyebrow at his giggling spouse, silently displaying the
card.  *No one is as beautiful as I am,* the card read.

Hikaru and Umi held a quick conference.

"Close enough!" Hikaru beamed, while Nuriko played with Hotohori's hair,
smiling lazily.

"I hope you weren't making fun of me," Hotohori frowned.

"Me!?  Nani!?" Nuriko exclaimed, all wide-eyed innocence.  "Never!"

"And Miaka?" Hikaru prompted.  The former Miko looked up from her rapt
contemplation of Tamahome's features.

"Huh?  Oh. . .he says my name a lot!" the girl replied somewhat blankly.

Tamahome smiled and held up his card.  *MIAKA!!*

The audience went mad with laughter.  Some of them got the joke, some

Umi shuffled through her cards.  "AUGGH!" Umi yelled.  "NOT AGAIN!"

"Just read it," Hikaru urged her.  "It can't be that bad."

Umi glared at her.  "Omae wa korosu," she muttered.

"You making fun of me!?" Heero demanded, blue eyes alight with impending
doom.  He started to get up.

"NO!  No, I'm not," Umi assured him.  "Ano. . .the question. . ."  She
gulped, then said in a very tiny voice, "Does your spouse wear boxers or

Duo chortled.

"I don't want to know," Umi whimpered, traumatized.

"Umm. . .briefs. . ." Duo squeezed out.  "I guess they could be
*considered* briefs. . ."

"That's enough!" Umi declared, distraught.

Heero silently held up his card.  *Might as well call 'em briefs.*

The audience rocked with laughter.

"Moving along," Umi said grimly.  She REALLY didn't like that couple.

Kurama looked speculative.  "Does it have to be an either/or question?"

"Stop right there!" Umi wailed, now thoroughly shell-shocked.

"But - " Kurama objected.

"Can we just skip him?" Umi implored Hikaru, who shook her head,

"Kurama-san, just answer the question," Hikaru urged, blinking.

"Umm. . .boxers.  When he wears. . ."

"STOP!" Umi yelled, anguished.

Hiei flipped his card up.  *Boxers, when I. . .*  It petered off into

"Next contestant!" Umi said hurriedly.  "Nuriko?"

Nuriko chuckled.  "Boxers," he replied.  "Silk ones."

"Too much information," Umi gasped, as Hotohori held his card up, smiling
at Nuriko.  *Silk boxers,* it read.

"My love, you know me too well," he murmured in his sexy bedroom voice.

"Uh. . .Miaka?" Umi prompted.

Miaka blushed.

"Boxers," she finally said, in a very small voice.  "They're really nice
ones. . ."

Tamahome was flushing, too, as he held up his card.  *The boxers Miaka

"Thank god that's over," Umi breathed, grabbing Mokona and waving it in
front of her face like a big fan.  Mokona puu-ed indignantly.

"Next question for this round!" Hikaru said brightly.  "Girls - "  Three
pairs of male eyes affixed her with cold glares.  "Ahem, uh,
female-designated spouses!  What would your spouse say you do best?"

Duo opened his mouth to say something, snapped his mouth shut, and turned
bright red.

Heero glared coldly at his brightly-blushing spouse.

Umi fell flat on the ground, trying desperately to lose consciousness so
she wouldn't have to hear the answer.

"Ano. . ." Duo finally wheezed, trying hard not to laugh.  Bubbling little
chuckles escaped him.  "Probably that I um, I'm really good with. . .ano,
using my tongue."

"AAAUUUGGGHH!!" Umi wailed from the ground, trying to stuff Mokona into
her ears.

"To talk?" Duo added hopefully, wondering if that would calm the Magic

Heero silently flipped his card over.  *He's best with using his tongue,
for talking or anything else.*

Hikaru looked like she might faint.  "I'm too young to be participating in
this," she complained.  "Ano. . .ten points. . .next contestant. .

The youko grinned at his fire demon spouse.  "Heh heh."

"Why do their minds go automatically to the bedroom?" Umi wondered loudly
from her prone position.

"Because we're newlyweds, stupid!" Duo called back cheerfully.  "What ELSE
do you think we do for a month?"

"I don't wanna know!" Umi retorted.  She reconsidered.  "At least, not
yet. . ."

"I'm going to have to agree with Duo-kun on this one," Kurama replied in
his soft alto.  "He's going to say 'That thing with my tongue.' "

"I'm going to puke!" Umi announced from her position on the ground.

"Don't choke on it," Heero growled unhelpfully.

Hiei glared in Umi's direction, then held up his card.  *That thing Kurama
does with his tongue.*

Hikaru was stricken speechless.  Feebly she gestured in Nuriko's

"Please, enough with the tongues!" Umi pleaded, getting up and tossing
Mokona like a football.  The little creature hit a startled Hikaru in the
chest, puu-ing violently.

Nuriko smiled innocently.  "He's going to say, I'm the best dresser in
Konan-koku!" he exclaimed with absolute conviction.

Hotohori looked guilty and held up his card.  *He's the best at lifting
very heavy objects.*

"NANI!?" Nuriko screeched.  He looked hurt.  "That's all you have to say!?

"Sorry, Nuriko. . ." Hotohori apologized.

"We were in the lead. . ." Nuriko mourned as Hikaru pointed at Miaka and

"What do I do best?" Miaka frowned, considering it.  Then she brightened.
"I love Tamahome!"

The audience groaned.  It was TOO sappy.

Tamahome eyed them sheepishly, smiling at Miaka.  *Miaka loves me best.*

"Rub it in, why don't you," Hotohori sniffed.  He and Tamahome had at one
point been rivals for Miaka's affection.

"HEY!" Nuriko wailed, and the emperor immediately had to turn to his
spouse to reassure him.

"Okay," Umi said, gripping the cards with a determined expression.  She
held it up to her eyes and read it carefully.  "GODD@#^ #^&^  __^#% ^.^"
Umi broke into a stream of ranting curses.

"Wow!" Hikaru exclaimed, wide-eyed.  "Umi, we're not supposed to know what
those words mean!"

Umi glared at her.  Glared at the contestants.  Glared at the audience.
Then finally muttered, "Last question is, what is your spouse's biggest

"That's not so bad!" Hikaru replied, astonished at Umi's grim demeanor.

Umi clenched her teeth, eyeing Heero and Duo balefully.  "Maybe not, but
I'm afraid of what that twisted pair could come up with."  Heero glowered

Duo snickered.

Umi turned bright red.

"Heero's biggest hang-up is. . ."  He paused dramatically, beaming.

Umi began to wilt.

Heero eyed him with a dagger-edged stare that promised violence.

The audience waited with bated breath.

"Not finishing a mission!" Duo crowed, grinning at his spouse.

Silently Heero displayed his card.  *Not finishing a mission.*

Umi collapsed to the ground with relief.  "Not ecchi," she mumbled in

Duo winked.  "A mission can mean more than one thing, you know."

Hikaru blushed.

Umi wailed and started tearing up handfuls of the turf.  "Shut up Duo!
SHUT UP!"  She jumped to her feet and turned to the next contestants.

Kurama smiled at the balefully-glaring little fire demon.  "Admitting how
he feels," the redhead said with a fond smile.

Hiei raised an eyebrow, flipping his card up.  *Telling that stupid fox
how I feel about him.  Thinking about telling Yukina how I feel,*  was his
reply.  Immediately he tore the card to pieces, as if embarrassed by
something.  Kurama laughed and hugged him, and Hiei snarled and pushed him

"Okay, ten points," Umi granted them, then moved to the next couple.

"Hai!" Nuriko replied.  He sweatdropped.  "Not being able to protect
Suzaku no Miko."

Hotohori looked over at his spouse, and held his card up.  *Not being able
to protect those I love.*

Nuriko looked as if he was about to cry.

Hotohori dropped the card on the ground, and gathered up the purple-haired
seishi in his arms.  "Nuriko no baka," he said gently, stroking his hair.
"That goes for you, too."

Nuriko brightened and snuggled closer.  "Honto ni?"

"Of course."

The audience sniffled and there was a smattering of applause.

"And lastly, Miaka!  What is Tamahome's biggest hang-up?"

Miaka looked stumped.  Then she brightened.  "I know!  MONEY!"

Tamahome grinned and showed his card.  Written on it in big block letters
with little heart-signs and loops was "O-KA-NE!" and a little illustrative
drawing of gold ryuu.

"Yay!"  Miaka clapped her hands and hugged him, practically strangling

"Wow!" Hikaru exclaimed, astonished.

"Nani?" Hiei and Heero inquired, in almost identically suspicious tones.

"Everyone is tied!  All the couples have seventy points each!" Hikaru
exclaimed, frowning.  "No one's in the lead!"

"Time for the bonus round, then!" Umi proclaimed.

Part 3

"Everyone is tied!  All the couples have seventy points each!" Hikaru
exclaimed, frowning.  "No one's in the lead!"

"Time for the bonus round, then!" Umi proclaimed.

Heero and Hiei brightened visibly.

"Does it involve fighting?  Or swords?" Hiei demanded.

"Does it involve explosives?  Or guns?" Heero added.

"No!" Hikaru and Umi chorused, appalled.

"It's a bonus question, worth twenty points, for each set of spouses,"
Hikaru continued.  "Umi-chan, would you do the honors for the guys'

"Sure," Umi shrugged, shuffling around the stack of cards until she found
a bright gold prizm card with BONUS blazoned over the back.  Then she
stared in disbelief.  "I'm cursed. . ." Umi groaned.

"Just read it, already!" Heero and Hiei snapped in unison.  They eyed each
other suspiciously.

"All right. . ." Umi hedged.  "Guys.  If your spouse got a tattoo, what
would it be, and where?"

"What!?" Heero sputtered.  "That's a stupid question!"

Duo chuckled.  "You'd better get this one right, Heero!" he said
cheerfully.  "Or we might lose!"

"Die," Heero glowered.

"See!?" Duo clutched at the spot over his heart.  "He said it again!  He
ALWAYS says that!"

Finally after a long silence, Heero said slowly, "I guess he would get
some kind of cross.  Probably on his lower back."

Duo snuggled up next to him.  "If we win, you are gonna get SO lucky," he
informed his spouse, flipping his card up nonchalantly.  *A cross tattoo,
on my back.*

Umi choked at Duo's verbal answer and started to hyperventilate again.
Wordlessly, Hikaru passed her a paper bag she'd found somewhere.

"Uh. . .twenty points," she conceded.  "Hiei-san?"

Hiei regarded his spouse, who looked back with a secretive little smile.
"A rose," Hiei finally said.  He considered the question some more, then
finished, "On his hip."

Kurama pounced on Hiei and the card fluttered to the ground face-up.  *A
rose on my hip.*  Hiei was growling and swatting at the expressive foxy
redhead who swarmed all over his lap.

Umi chose to ignore the actions of the two demons, which were rapidly
progressing into what could be considered as foreplay, and turned to the
royal couple.  "Hotohori-sama?"

Hotohori frowned.  "He already *has* what most people would consider a

Umi sweatdropped.  "Just answer the question."

Hotohori sweatdropped.  "Ano. . .I don't know. . .a character to match
mine, on his neck?"

Nuriko scowled at him.  "That would hurt!" he complained.  He flipped his
card up.  *The character for love, on my back.*

"We could lose again!" he wailed, clutching at Hotohori.

"Ano. . .Nuri. . .you're cutting off-my-air!" Hotohori gasped, turning

"Ah-hee-hee!" Nuriko tittered, releasing him.

"No points for you!" Umi declared.  "Tamahome?"

Tamahome looked wide-eyed.  "I think. . .the characters for my name, on
her ankle."

Miaka grinned and held up her card.  *Tamahome's name on my ankle.*

They cheered and hugged each other ecstatically.

"Last round of questions," Hikaru said, looking very relieved.  Mokona
puu-ed softly.  "For the - ah, the female-designated halves of the
partnership!  What is your spouse's worst nightmare?"

Duo grinned cheerfully.  "Why, that I'd never shut up, of course!"

Heero glared.  "You never DO shut up," he growled, flipping his card up.
*That Duo would never stop talking for the rest of our married life.*

"Close enough," Hikaru decided.  "Kurama-san?"

Kurama's eyes grew serious and considering.  "That he wouldn't be able to
protect me, or Yukina, or one of our teammates."

Hiei scowled balefully.  His card read, *Not being able to save them.*

Hikaru's brow creased.  "That's awfully vague. . ."  She and Umi conferred
together, then Hikaru straightened.  "Okay, twenty points.  Next, Nuriko?"

"Losing his looks," Nuriko replied promptly.  Then he wailed as Hotohori
held up his card.

*Losing my friends and family.*

"I'm sorry Ho-ri-sama!  I'm sorry!" Nuriko apologized, hurling himself
into his spouse's arms.  "I underestimated you!"

"We're going to lose for sure," the Emperor said, crestfallen.

"That's okay, we look great together," Nuriko beamed.

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Miaka?" Hikaru prompted.

The former handmaiden of Suzaku looked puzzled.  "This is a lot like the
hang-up question," she complained loudly.

"Just answer it," Umi glared.

"Well. . .weell. . .ano. . .I'd have to say. . ."  She faltered.  "Having
his head pecked off by the Almighty Chicken of Doom(tm) again!!"

There were a few cheers from the audience, most notably from Kouji no Miko
and Priya.

"WHAT!?" Tamahome exclaimed.  His face fell and he held up his card.
*Miaka's cooking.*

"NANI!?!?" Miaka shrieked.  She looked outraged, and started pummeling him
as they both went superdeformed and tumbled off the mushroom caps,

"And that's all for the bonus round!" Hikaru interjected hastily.  "Umi,
what's the score?"

Umi looked blank.  "I was supposed to keep score?"

Hikaru face-vaulted.  "Uh. . .Mokona?"

"PUU!" Mokona voiced exuberantly.  "PuupupuupuuPUU!"

"DIE!" Heero growled menacingly, aiming an imaginary gun at the creature.
Duo shushed him by the simple expedient of jumping into his lap and
plastering him with an enthusiastic kiss.

"Puu PUU pu," Mokona finished, wiggling its ears defiantly at Heero.  It
seemed well-acquainted with the known anime law that the most annoying
characters of the show can never be killed off.

"There you have it, folks!" Hikaru beamed.

Everyone sweatdropped.

Umi facevaulted.  "Ano. . .Hikaru, you're the only one who can understand
that overgrown marshmallow."  Mokona puu-ed indignantly.

"Oh yeah!" Hikaru grinned sheepishly.  "Mokona says that Duo and Heero are
tied with Kurama and Hiei; both couples have 110 points.  Nuriko and
Hotohori-sama - sorry, but you didn't win any questions in the bonus
round, so you have the lowest score at 70 points."

"Waaah!" Nuriko wailed.  "I spoiled our chances, didn't I?"

"That's okay," Hotohori assured him.  "You're right, we DO look great

BIGGER sweatdrop.

"And Miaka and Tamahome have ninety points!" Hikaru finished with a
flourish, nervously eyeing the hetero couple who were still arguing
fiercely and tussling.

"I guess we need a tie breaker, don't we, Hikaru?" Umi said in bafflement.

"NOW can we fight with swords?" Hiei demanded.

"With explosives or small firearms?" Heero added eagerly.

"NO!" Umi and Hikaru yelled back, upset.  "We're the protectors of this
Cephiro *trumpet flare in the background* and we will not permit you to
harm this land!"

"Well how else are we supposed to break a tie?" Heero grumbled.

Duo brightened.  "I know an easy way to get out of a slipknot without
breaking it. . ."

"Not THAT tie, you idiot!" Heero glared.

Umi had clapped her hands over her ears and was humming the Rayearth
opening theme song with determined vigor.  "I didn't hear that!"

Heero glared over at Hiei, sizing him up.

Hiei glared right back at Heero, baring his fangs slightly.

"Oh dear. . .don't fight. . ." Hikaru fluttered.  "Where's that
tie-breaker?"  She shuffled through her cue cards, coming up with a silver
prizm card labeled PHYSICAL CHALLENGE.

"Oh NO!" Umi yelped, spotting it.  She tugged at handfuls of her long blue
hair, gnashing her teeth.

"Uh. . ."  Hikaru held it up by her fingertips, reading it, then goggled.
"Demo. . .Umi, where on earth would we get a hundred pounds of lime

Umi keeled over.

"All RIGHT!" Duo exclaimed enthusiastically.  "A physical challenge!"  He
glomped onto Heero happily.

Heero remained immobile.  "I will not fail," he intoned.

Kurama smirked.  "Don't bet on it," he told them, winding a possessive arm
around his impassive spouse.

"Hn," Hiei snorted.

"Get on with it," Umi said weakly, getting up.  "Just read the f#&*ing

"Umi-chan!" Hikaru exclaimed, shocked.  "Besides, it's not a question,
it's a physical challenge."

"Whatever. . ." Umi groaned.  "They ain't paying me enough for this gig."

"For this physical challenge hosted by Cefiro(tm), we are having a pair of
Spiritual Beasts haul in a pair of two hundred-gallon swimming tanks!"
Hikaru announced brightly, waving her arm.

Two immense Spiritual Beasts appeared, one a huge bird-like creature, the
other looking a lot like a cross between a dragon and a peacock.  They
clutched two immense swimming tanks in their talons, dropping them with a
resounding thud onto the turf not far from the contestants.

Everyone bounced up and down from the shockwave.

Duo took advantage of falling into Heero's lap to plant some kisses and
his hands in strategic places, while the Japanese pilot shoved
determinedly at his amorous mate.  Kurama leaped on Hiei at about the same

"Stop groping!" Umi yelled, her patience becoming frayed.

"And now!" Hikaru continued, ignoring her friend.  "The tanks will be
filled to the brim with lime jello!"

"Yay!" Duo and Kurama cheered.

"But first!" Hikaru continued.  "One spouse of each pair of the
contestants will go into the tank, and have a little cherry stuck in their
bellybutton!"  She sweatdropped.

Umi scowled.  "WHO WRITES THIS CRAP!?" she bellowed.

"The. . .the spouse that retrieves the cherry from his uh, partner's
bellybutton and gets back to the edge of the tank first is the winner,"
Hikaru continued, beginning to look a bit green around the gills.  "This
is really weird. . ."

Duo looked at Heero.  Heero looked at Duo, a wicked little smile curving
his lips.

"ME?" Duo gasped.  He clutched defensively at his braid.  "Do you know
what green jello will do to my hair?"

"It won't compare to what I'll do to you if you don't get in that tank,"
Heero growled.

Duo gulped, then pulled his shirt off.  He squared his shoulders.

Hiei glared up at Kurama, his arms folded resolutely.  "We both know which
one of us is faster," he informed his mate.

Kurama didn't even argue; he just unbuttoned his shirt and peeled it off.

"I'm so glad we don't have to do that," Miaka commented, snuggling up to

Duo and Kurama glared evilly.

Gingerly, Hikaru handed them both a cherry produced from hammerspace.

"Is this going to stick?" Kurama inquired doubtfully.

"Just hold it against your bellybutton until the jello's in place," Hikaru

"I can't believe I'm doing this!" Duo wailed, as they marched towards the

"I can't believe I'm SEEING this," Umi replied.  Mokona puu-ed

The two boys climbed into the tanks, and then magically the lime jello
began to appear.  Eventually, the jiggling, greenly translucent mass
filled both tanks.

"Ready?" Hikaru asked Heero and Hiei, poised shirtless on the edge of
their respective tanks.  Both of them nodded resolutely, giving each other
flat, deadly glares.

"Set. . .GO!" Hikaru shouted.

Two slender bodies dove into the heaving mass of green jello.

The audience waited tensely.

There was a LOOONG silence.

The birds of Cefiro chirped and sang.

The jello in the tank bobbed gently, gelatinously.

A slight breeze whispered through the clearing.

A few bees buzzed amongst some flowers.

The audience started to titter.

Umi groaned and covered her eyes with her hands.  "TELL me they're not. .

Hikaru shrugged philosophically.  "What do you expect?  They're


"CUT!" yelled a brown-haired girl in a brown fuku that looked a lot like
the one Miaka was wearing.  Nearly identical, in fact.  But her skirt was
longer to prevent the likelihood of panty shots.  Who was it. . .?  Why,
it was Talya Firedancer!

<The author pauses to take this moment to apologize, and beg permission,
for this blatant self-insert.  She's hating herself right now, and doing
due penance.  After all, that term paper still awaits. . .>

"Thank the gods that's over. . ." Umi muttered, tearing up her cue cards.

"PUU!" Mokona blurted, wiggling a little from his vantage point. . .of
viewing up Umi's skirt.

"MOKONA!!  I'm gonna f#^&ing kill you!" Umi screeched, taking off after
the little white puffball.

"Ah, Tamahome. . ." Miaka murmured, staring deeply into her husband's

"Miaka," he murmured back, eyes lighting up.

"Tamahome. . ."

"Mi-ACK!" Tamahome blurted, as a scarf was shoved into his mouth, and
another one tied securely around it.

Nuriko giggled.  "THAT should give us some peace and quiet," he observed,
handing a huge plate of food to Miaka.

Miaka squealed and superdeformed, chowing down.

Hikaru sweatdropped.  Umi paused in her chase of the white
spheroid-disguised devil to sweatdrop.

"PUU!" Mokona blurted.

Umi resumed the chase, pulling out a HUGE mallet from hammerspace.

"Where are the refreshments?" Hikaru asked politely.  "After all that, I'm
building up an appetite!"

Hotohori raised one willowy arm and pointed majestically.  Nuriko squealed
and glomped onto him, snuggling against him blissfully.  "Hotohori
KAWAII!" he exclaimed.

"Uh. . ." Talya sweatdropped, remembering who she'd put in charge of
manning the Newlyweds banquet table.  "Uh, Hikaru, you may not want to go
over there. . ."

"Nonsense!  I'm so hungry I could eat Mokona!" the pink-haired girl
replied, beginning to walk towards the banquet table.

Talya shrugged and turned to the two huge swimming tanks, still filled to
the brim with jello.  The gelatinous mass still bobbled faintly in the
passing breeze, or maybe from the exertions of. . .hm, nevermind.

"I don't think we should disturb them," she decided decisively, and turned
to join Hikaru at the refreshments.


"That would be Hikaru!" Talya exclaimed brightly, as Hotohori and Nuriko
detached their faces long enough to goggle.  Tamahome spat the scarf out
and stood up, eyeing his wife pigging out, and sighed.

They jogged over to the refreshments quickly.  Standing behind the table
were two tall, very handsome men with their arms around each others'
waist.  One was tall and thin with a shock of black hair, partly confined
by a gold circlet.  The shorter young man was also thin, with a shock of
white hair and a gentle smile.

"Lantis!  Eagle!  What are you-" Hikaru exclaimed, eyeing the duo with a
shocked expression.  Shock only began to describe it, actually.

"We got married," Lantis rumbled in his deep voice.

"He decided to make an honest man out of me!" Eagle added with a playful

Hikaru's eyes trembled.  "Does this mean no more threesomes?"  She dashed
off before either of them could stammer out an answer.

"Heh. . ." Talya grinned weakly, as Nuriko, Hotohori, and Tamahome stared
at her with blank incomprehension.  Miaka continued to scarf the food,
pausing to drop her plate and stand by the buffet table, using both hands.

"God. . .that. . .was. . .GREAT!" an exhausted-but-completely-satisfied
voice announced, as Duo appeared, smeared with the remains of lime jello,
and collapsed bonelessly next to the buffet table.  Somewhere along the
line he'd lost his shirt and pants and was clad only in boxer shorts.
"Did we win?"

Talya paused to wipe drool from her chin.  "Uhm. . .ano. . ."

"GET BACK HERE YOU PSYCHEDELIC PUFFBALL!" Umi screamed, wielding a mallet
as she chased Mokona over the buffet table, using Miaka's head as a
springboard, took a swing and narrowly missed Eagle, and did a somersault,
ending up in a heap at Tamahome's feet.

"PUU!!" Mokona trilled his triumph at eluding psycho-Umi, leaping
gleefully in the air.

"JAOU ENSATSU KOKURYUUHA!" a deep voice snarled out, and an immense black
dragon shimmered through the air, hurtling towards the repulsively puu-ing
spheroid, smashing into it with earth-shaking force.  The black dragon's
wickedly-toothed jaws yawed open, then snapped up the deformed, retarded
bunny, chewing it up.

With a yacking exclamation of disgust, the Kokuryuuha spat out Mokona.  It
hit a nearby tree and slid to the grass.

It lay on the ground, insides leaking a syrupy clear fluid.  "puu. . ."
Mokona sputtered weakly, one last time, and expired.


Then, "Ding dong, the witch is dead. . ." came from Umi, faintly, her face
still buried in the grass.  If there had been any men around who CARED
about a panty shot from Umi, one surely would've occurred at that moment.

"Hiei!" complained an alto voice, as Kurama walked up to the refreshment
table, gorgeously-defined upper torso sheened over with a light film of
green jello.  "What've I told you about gratuitous displays of violence?"

"Hn.  It turns you on?"

Talya used her hands to manually shut her jaw and noticed Hiei
approaching, just as Heero popped up next to her.

"Augh!  Don't do that!" she exclaimed, as the brown-haired Japanese pilot
silently presented her with a mostly-crushed maraschino cherry.  At the
same time, Hiei flickered forward and in his outstretched palm, too, was a
cherry, much worse for the wear.

"Geez, what did you DO to these cherries?" Talya exclaimed.  She
sweatdropped.  "Nevermind.  I don't want to know.  Um, you can have 'em;
they're all yours."

"Who won?" Heero and Hiei growled simultaneously, then speared each other
with vicious stares.

"No one," Talya replied smugly.  "While you guys were in the tubs getting
it on, the timer expired."

"#^(&(*#*!" the two young men yelled, swearing a blue streak.  Talya
frowned, then she grinned mischievously, then she pulled a pen and notepad
out of kasa-space and started taking notes.  Hiei was more creative than
Heero, but Heero was more lyrical.  Then she realized Heero was actually
starting to chant some nine inch nails lyrics.

Duo blew a kiss at his raving spouse.  "You promise?" he asked hopefully.

"How long was the timer?" Kurama asked curiously, munching on a sesame
roll from the refreshments table.

Talya grinned.  "Thirty seconds."

"Thirty seconds!?" Duo gasped, getting up slowly.  A blob of jello slid
down his ear and bounced off his shoulder to the grass.  "Not even HEERO
would be able to. . .um, *you know. . .* in thirty seconds!"  He looked
indignant.  "At least not if he knows what's good for him!"

"So nobody won?" Tamahome asked, a slow grin creeping over his features.

Talya chuckled.  "Nope.  The game was rigged."

"Omae wa korosu!" Heero yelled suddenly, then stomped off.  Duo shrugged
and started wolfing down some sushi.

"Ne, Talya," Tamahome began earnestly, sidling up to her.  "I've been
meaning to ask you. . .this is a *yaoi* fic, right?"

Talya shot him her best what-are-you-an-IDIOT? look.  Tamahome looked
sheepish.  "Yes, of course it's a yaoi fic!  What else did you think I

"Ano. . .then why are Miaka and I in the fic?"

A slow smile spread over Talya's face.  "I am SO glad you asked."

Suddenly Tamahome looked nervous.

A blue ki erupted out of nowhere, overwhelming everyone with tremendous
power, and Hiei drew his katana.  Umi and Lantis pulled out their magic
swords.  Eagle shook free some gleaming wire.  Kurama pulled out his Rose
Whip.  From gods-know-where (considering he was only dressed in boxers and
lime jello) Duo produced a gun.  Hotohori and Nuriko broke from their
extended clinch, assuming fighting positions as Hotohori called up his
Deity sword.  Tamahome's 'oni' symbol blazed red on his forehead.

Nakago emerged from the brilliant blue light, a gorgeous blond-haired
bishonen dressed in a mostly-chest-revealing white shirt, and tight black
leather pants.  He smirked at the assembled fighters, and lifted his fist
to throw a ki-blast-

The brilliant blue bolt of ki sizzled forth, hitting food-scarfing Miaka
and incinerating her in a single strike.

"MIAKA!" Tamahome exclaimed, the volume of his cry shaking the heavens.

Nakago turned to Tamahome, that same little smirk playing over his

Tamahome glomped onto him.  "MY SAVIOR!  Now I'll never have to deal with
her grocery bills ever, ever again!"

Nakago pulled his head back by the hair, staring into the Suzaku seishi's
eyes, then licked his cheek.  Then, keeping a firm grip on his hair, he
dragged him off into some convenient nearby bushes.

"Eeeewww!" Umi exclaimed.  "Is that his idea of foreplay!?"

"Hn.  Direct," was Hiei's only comment, and Kurama threw him a teasing

"You *would* like it," the redhead noted.

Heero returned, a manic glint in his eyes.  He was trying not very hard to
conceal something behind his back, in his fist.

"Heero," Duo said suspiciously.  "What did you do?"

Heero only chuckled.

Duo pounced on him, and the two boys went rolling off across the grass,
tussling furiously.

"Gimme that!"

"F^&* no!"

"Gimme that!"


Talya helped herself to more food.

The threat from Nakago averted, Hotohori and Nuriko relaxed.  Nuriko
turned back to his husband, eyes beginning to shine.

"Ne, Hotohori, have I ever told you you're *beautiful?*" the purple-haired
seishi asked breathlessly, clasping his hands.

"Yes," the emperor sighed, stowing the Deity sword back in hammerspace.
"But you can always tell me again."

Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Nuriko!" Hotohori said with firm resolve.  "There is only one thing for
us to do.  We are simply too beautiful.  It was inevitable."

"Die in each other's arms?" Nuriko suggested, face beginning to wilt.
"That would mean no more s-"

"AUGH! Stop!" Umi yelled, stuffing her fingers in her ears.

Casually Nuriko backhanded Umi, making it seem like an accident, and she
went spinning off into orbit, coming eventually to rest, we are told, in
the land of Chizeta where she was forced to confront her deep-seated
psychological uneasiness regarding dancing Jinn expressing their inner
feminine qualities.

"Oops," Nuriko giggled.  "Gomen."

No one seemed terribly upset.

"No, we don't need to *die,* Nuriko," Hotohori corrected, then he looked
thoughtful.  "Unless you're referring to the Shakespearean-age use of that
term, which puns on sexual orgasm. . ."

Talya sweatdropped.  When had Hotohori been reading over her shoulder
while she did her homework?

"What I meant was. . ."  Hotohori struck a dramatic pose, flipping
glorious, sparkling black hair over his shoulder, "we should join a beauty

"Yatta!" Nuriko cheered enthusiastically.  "With our looks, how can we

Bigger sweatdrop.

Several loud noises began to float towards them, coming from the nearby

"What's that?" Hikaru demanded, strolling up.  "It sounds like two animals
locked in a death struggle!"

Talya giggled.

Kurama paused, took her aside for a moment, and whispered something in her
ear.  Slowly, Hikaru's face turned brick red.  Then she glanced over at
Lantis and Eagle, nuzzling next to the buffet table, and fumed.

"It's not fair!" Hikaru wailed.  "Why did I have to be written into a yaoi

"I can take you out of it just as quickly," Hiei offered, red eyes
gleaming.  He put his hand to the hilt of his katana.

Hikaru edged away.  "Uh. . .no. . .that's okay," she replied hastily.  She
joined Kurama at the buffet table, and he offered her a yellow rose in

"Why yellow?" she complained.  "I like red better!  Or pink, to match my

Kurama smiled impishly.  "Yellow means 'just friends.'"

Hikaru stared.  "Well you don't have to rub it in!" she groused.

Duo started to limp towards Talya, battered, bruised, with teeth marks
standing out clearly against his neck and hand, and blood streaming from a
gash on his forehead.  "Talya-san. . ."

He flew off his feet, as Heero grabbed hold of his braid and yanked.
Something hurtled from Duo's hands, and reflexively Talya grabbed it out
of the air as the two GWing boys began to wrestle fiercely again.

"Dammit Duo, you just blew my mission!"

"Heero you maniac!  You'll kill us all!"

"That was the POINT!"

Talya looked at the object in her hands.  It was a small detonator.

"Heero!" she snapped, and the boys paused mid-struggle.  "Did you wire
Cefiro with explosives?"

Heero glared at her, and didn't answer.

"Was it because you tied with Hiei?"

This time Heero aimed his maniacally murderous, intense cobalt blue eyes
at Hiei.

The Koorime snorted, crossing his arms casually over his chest.

"That's not very honorable!" Talya protested.  "If you're so pissed at
him, why not just challenge him to personal combat?"

Heero's and Hiei's eyes acquired a definitely homicidal gleam.

"Oh no you don't!" Kurama exclaimed firmly, at the same time Duo exploded
with a "F#&* no!"

"I want my spouse intact in one piece after we leave this stupid fanfic!"
Kurama said with a steely-eyed expression.

"Yeah, our honeymoon isn't over yet!" Duo added, glaring over at his
spouse.  "I still have plans for him!"

Lantis guffawed.

"You'd really let us fight?" Heero inquired suspiciously, eyeing Talya
through narrowed eyes.  "Those ditzy girls wouldn't let us fight during
the game. . ."

"Yeah, well, this is the cast party," Talya shrugged.  "Enjoy.  Just don't
kill each other."

Hiei smirked.

Nakago and Tamahome emerged from the bushes, sheened with a light sweat.
"Did we miss anything?"

Hiei and Heero were starting to face off.  Hotohori and Nuriko were
clinching under the buffet table, blissfully oblivious to the world.
Mokona's body had turned into a puddle of corn syrup.  Lantis and Eagle
had lost interest in the impending battle and were starting to make out,
Lantis blushing and protesting at first because they were in public.
Kurama and Duo were screeching at their spouses like enraged fishwives,
hurling threats, insults, leftover lime jello, and miscellaneous items
from the buffet table.  And Talya had crossed her arms over her chest,
watching it all eagerly.

Tamahome eeped as Nakago raised an eyebrow, then dragged him right back
into the bushes.

Duo darted over to Talya and whispered something quickly in her ear.

"Eh?"  Talya eyed him, disappointed.  Her mouth twitched.  "I suppose so.
. ."

Heero had pulled out a small mobile cannon from his a$-er, hammerspace,
and was flipping a few switches, humming "Flight of the Valkyries" under
his breath.  The white wards wrapped over Hiei's arm had begun to smoke
and seethe.

"Heero!  Look!  It's a karaoke machine!" Duo yelled, pointing.


Heero leapt off the cannon and in the next heartbeat he was standing at
the karaoke machine, belting out a strong rendition of Blur's "Boys who
love girls who do girls like their boys. . .<etc.>"  Duo grinned and
flounced over, tossing his disheveled braid over his shoulder.

Hiei growled and started towards him, hands glowing with black fire.

"Hiei!" Kurama frowned, planting hands on his hips.  "Don't you dare!"

"Why not?" the fire demon snarled.

"Because you're pregnant!  And you're not going to risk our babies!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Hiei howled, shooting a look of absolute betrayal
at Talya.  "You promised!!"

Talya smirked, hiding it behind a cough.

The mobile cannon began to beep, a red light flashing.

"Uh. . .Heero?" Duo blinked.

Heero stopped singing long enough to give his spouse a malicious grin, and
shot another flat glare at Hiei.

The cannon went off in a soundless explosion of red light, a tremendous
beam of red energy shooting straight at Hiei.  The explosion rocketed up
in a small mushroom cloud from the point of impact, as Kurama stared in
disbelief.  He fell to his knees, stunned.

"HIEI!" he shrieked in anguish.

Heero sneered in triumph.

Hotohori and Nuriko paused long enough in their groping to stare at the
mushroom cloud.

Then the smoke began to dissolve, and Hiei stepped calmly out of the
remains of the explosion, death in his gaze.  "This means war," he
informed Heero, who looked suddenly as if his favorite toy truck had been

"Dammit!" Talya yelled desperately.  "Stop!  Or I'll be forced to use my
Ultimate Fanfic Author Attack(tm)!"

"Which is?" Heero inquired, tone low and dangerous.

"I'll. . .I'll. . ."  she faced Heero, pointing at him.  "You!  I'll write
you into a lemon scene. . .with WUFEI!!"

Heero paled.

She faced off with Hiei.  "You!  I'll write you into a lemon scene!"

Hiei smirked.  "With who?" he demanded.  "You buncha hentai chicks have
pretty much paired me up with every major villain. . ."

Talya smirked right back.  "A lemon scene with KUWABARA!"

Hiei choked.  At the mention of his nemesis, his eyes rolled back in his
head, and he passed out.

Talya took a moment to pause at the unlikelihood of this.  Hiei was, she
reasoned, weakened by releasing the Kokuryuuha earlier, and then surviving
that cannon explosion.

Talya put her hands on her hips, and turned to Heero and Duo's spouses.
"Why don't you take them home?" she suggested.  "Hell, you can BOTH have
the prize."

Heero looked suspicious.  "What *was* the prize?"

Eagle goggled.  "You never even bothered to find out?"

Heero looked flinty.

"The only thing he cared about was winning," Duo explained.

Talya beamed.

"The prize is. . ."  She paused for dramatic emphasis.  "A $5 gift
certificate for Sailor Moon merchandise!"

Sweatdrops appeared on Duo's, Heero's, and Kurama's foreheads.  "NANI!?!?"

Talya shrugged.  "Whadjya expect, a trip to the Bahamas or something?  I'm
a poor college student!"

"But five dollars won't buy us ANYTHING. . ." Duo whined.  "Not even a
cool Sailor Saturn wall scroll!"

"Or a miniature Eva model," Heero grumped.

"Or a Passionate Singing edition CD," Kurama pouted.

Talya stuck her tongue out at them.  "Bpeetah!  You should've asked first,
before agreeing to join the game, if you were so concerned with what you'd

Duo and Heero grumbled at her.

Talya sweatdropped and eyed Kurama.  "Ano. . .Kurama, what're you doing?"

The youko looked up.  "Baka, what does it look like I'm doing?  I'm tying
Hiei up!  I borrowed some of that shiny wire stuff from Eagle. . .I
*think* it should hold. . ."

Duo and Talya grinned as Kurama hefted his spouse up, and carried him off
into those convenient bushes.  Duo eyed Heero suggestively.

"Don't even think about it," Heero said, stone-faced, going over to the
mobile cannon to dismantle it.

"But Heero!" Duo protested.  "Everyone ELSE is making out. . ."

Heero glanced around.  Hmm, it seemed to be true.

"You wouldn't want to look like a quitter or a shirker. . ." Duo continued
persuasively.  "Unless you're too tired from earlier?"

Heero scowled darkly at his spouse.  Then he marched forward, snatched
Duo's braid in his hand, and hauled the American pilot off his feet,
heading for those *remarkably* convenient, thick, screening bushes.

"Owowowowow. . ." Duo yelped as he was bounced and dragged across the

Talya disappeared in a rush of fire.  Her work here was done.

-The End-


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